Help On Verge of Cheating!

[user1469525654]

Hi
Please be kind as this is my first ever message on mumsnet. I have been married for 14 years and we have 3 children together all below the age of 13, our marriage has always been stable but in the last six months I have become unhappy as our sex life is dwindling and my husband makes no effort to instigate anything or be more affectionate. I have been in contact with an ex on fb who is also unhappy in his relationship for the same reasons and we have become very close again and are in the throws of an emotional affair, we are meeting up and I know where it will lead if we do. I am torn between my husband and my ex and I have feelings for both, help me please

OP there is groupthink on this mumsnet board that if you are thinking of extra marital sex you are EVIL. Please ignore this as in real life things are more complicated.

You might want to see a counsellor on your own to talk through your feelings. Also try Googling Dan Savage, sex columnist with more realistic attitudes to infidelity than you'll find here.

As you've said you've tried X to engage with your husband and it hasn't worked. Then as I see it you have the following choices.

1. Tell your husband that no sex is not acceptable and therefore you are going to seek it elsewhere
2. Don't tell him, but do as above
3. Break up with husband
4. Settle for status quo.

Really it is no-one else's business what you choose. Personally I'd choose to keep a family together over sexual fidelity assuming everything else ok. However a lot of people here would love to burn me at the stake for that :)

Katie, I think you will find we are all strangers, I don't know anybody on here so quit with the MN mentality, and stop being insulting.

EVIL you say, you said it, nobody else did lol.

Complicated? Read the OP again, it's actually pretty straightforward.

Nobody wants to burn you, nobody cares that much for people who thinks it's ok to lie, cheat and break up children from their parents.

I thought this was a forum for adults, clearly not.

OP there is groupthink on this mumsnet board that if you are thinking of extra marital sex you are EVIL. Please ignore this as in real life things are more complicated

No not groupthink, but a lot of women who are living the real consequences of when people cheat. Who have lost marriages, homes, security, family and being able to live with their children all of the time to their husbands infidelity. We know that the destruction that affairs cause because we are there, right now. We are either living with men we dont trust or sharing our children with someone who put getting his rocks off above their welfare.

So evil? No. Selfish, cruel and disgusting? Yes.

so if the OP leaves her husband because she is very unhappy but doesn't have an affair, is that ok? Or is it still "breaking up the family?"

I'm not advocating than affair. It just seems odd that she is being told she will destroy her family whereas on other posts women who are unhappy are told they deserve happiness and shouldn't model unhappy relationships to their children.

And who wants someone with them for the sake of the children?!

My mum was shagging an old flame behind my dads back, he said he would leave his family and so did she. Mum left, he didn't. Broke the family apart and broke me and my siblings hearts. Also caused my mum to have a breakdown. Please don't do it. Leave first or just don't do it.

I will try to give you some reasons not to do this.

1. the mess caused by an affair is catastrophic and very often lasts decades. I have been the child and the wife on the receiving end.

2. imagine yourself sitting in front of your kids explaining that you can't live as a family anymore because you have been having sex with ex

3. so far we've covered the spouse and kids. In actual fact, affairs have much wider injuries. My dd can no longer see her step cousins because BIL has been cheating on their mum. She's 9, she's cried, she said she will never forgive BIL and would prefer to continue seeing the step cousins and their mum than BIL. What should I say? BIL saw a pretty lady and decided his family could fuck off? I am actually a bit nervous about the prospect of my dd meeting BIL and his OW. She might well rip them to shreds in a fiery rage. If MIL is there (BILs mum) she will probably join in. It'll be like Eastenders. MIL already refused to meet OW.
   Also, I was banned from having my stepfather at my wedding by my dad.
   When my dh cheated, my adult brother broke down and cried on my floor, reliving his own childhood family split and worrying himself to death about my two little kids. My sister is in counselling as a result of my dads behaviour from twenty years ago.
   Need I go on? How many fuck ups do you want to cause? If you split make it clean. Or pay for it forever.

Jesus wept ...so your happiness comes above anything?
No one said you can't be happy of course it's ridiculous to not want happiness but I think everything you've said is just all about you ..you don't want him to leave his wife yet you'll happy have sex with him behind the poor woman's back and let him scurry off back to her? Quite frankly that's vile

SusieQ - if the OP wants to leave she should have the balls to do it for her own reasons rather than having an affair.

OP, You are a grown sentient adult in full control of yourself, not some helpless romantic heroine. If you didn't fancy your ex this wouldn't be bothering you at all, every day you speak to lots of people and are not on the verge of cheating with any of them. Why did you contact your ex or continue to speak with him when he contacted you? I'd suggest it was because you already have history, so in your mind it's not quite cheating as he isn't a new person. And all that guff about not being able to help it is nonsense. You can help it, you just don't want to, just like every other person who has an affair. They decide not to think about the consequences as they get undressed for someone other than their spouse or partner.

Generally people don't accidentally have sex, there's nothing accidental about booking a hotel to shag someone. And as you are both married you will have to plan it - time away from your spouses, lying about your whereabouts etc. It's going to be utterly pre-meditated and calculated.

Get a grip, you might think you deserve happiness, but your family deserve not to have their lives shaken because you've got an itch and want someone else to scratch it.

Do what others have suggested get some counselling learn to understand yourself, your marriage and the reasons motivating your selfish actions.
And while you sort your head out get your self a vibrator and some erotic literature to satisfy your carnal needs

Susieq being unhappy doesn't give her the right to potentially break up another family..sure by all means if a person is in an unhappy marriage then they should leave! Life's far too short to stay in unhappy relationships, but she doesn't need to shag another woman's husband to find happiness

Why did you post here when you've already decided to cheat?

Before you go ahead with it, could I ask you to read a few of the stories of men and women (at the link below) who discovered affairs and see what pain they are in.

www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?fid=2

There is also a specific thread in the I csn relate area with this title
'Timeline to regain respect for FWW?'

FWW = former wayward wife

Don't be one of those women. You may only want a fling, his wife or your husband could find out and 2 marriages are destroyed. Probably with kids being shuttled between homes, because you only thought about your sexual needs after a 6 month rocky patch.

OP, I wish you everything you deserve.

Why don't you make an effort on your marriage before doing something you will regret. Six months of tough times in a marriage is no reason to go and sleep with someone else. Sounds like you want some excitement and attention. What about counselling instead. Think!

Choose: grown up way-make an effort with your DH-it takes two, you know. Or idiotic way-have an affair. Partners almost always find out. Consider the impact on your children. Imagine telling them you just had to shag some bloke from your past. Do the decent thing and leave your husband if you don't love him anymore.

My advice you will regret it 100% ! talk to your DH like others have said if you are unhappy then leave and if you want to embark on a sexual relationship find someone who is single not another woman's husband ! Unfortunately you are just coming across as extremely selfish and in my humble opinion you give that right up once you have dependant children. So start looking at it from their point of view .... Do you really want to put them in that position?

Yep the groupthink continues.

Monogamy=only way

Desire outside marriage BAD BAD BAD

you must LTB IMMEDIATELY

If you don't agree with monogamy or don't believe it's the only way then what is the point of entering into a marriage
It's not group think ..it's logic ..if you want screw around don't get married

Seems you've made your choice, what are you posting on here for? Permission? Forgiveness?
What gin said with bells on. I'm out

Of course monogamy is not the only way forward. It is merely the promise the OP and her husband made to each other.
Thank goodness Katie has arrived to advise us of the error of our ways

Open relationships can work, afaik they very much rely on open communication and very strict agreements on what is 'allowed' and what isn't. But hey ho, you just go for your happiness, OP.

OP, MN can be pretty a brutal place if you post something like this here.

Ignore the personal attacks. But do ask yourself why you are staying with your DH and contemplating an affair instead of working at your marriage or leaving it. Does your DH know that your ex is back in your life? Would he be hurt or have you reached a stalemate where he would just turn the other way and not want to know?

There are many reasons why people have affairs but the common thread is that one or more people end up getting badly hurt.

Are you comfortable living with that responsibility? What would you feel if in the future it was one of your dcs that was betrayed in this way?

Only you know the answers to these questions OP. Please think very carefully before getting in any deeper.

A reminder that MN's raison d'être is to make lives easier

Seems like Katie is happy to goad and insult everyone else but cant take it back....