Help On Verge of Cheating!

[user1469525654]

Hi
Please be kind as this is my first ever message on mumsnet. I have been married for 14 years and we have 3 children together all below the age of 13, our marriage has always been stable but in the last six months I have become unhappy as our sex life is dwindling and my husband makes no effort to instigate anything or be more affectionate. I have been in contact with an ex on fb who is also unhappy in his relationship for the same reasons and we have become very close again and are in the throws of an emotional affair, we are meeting up and I know where it will lead if we do. I am torn between my husband and my ex and I have feelings for both, help me please

Also, if it took only 6 months for you to get jiggy with an ex, you really need to be honest with yourself and your OH and leave him to find someone who will actually love him and stay committed.

Christ's sake, you've been unsettled for about 6 months after being married to someone for 14 years (so together even longer) and you're seriously considering having an affair.

How fucking selfish can you get. Either have the decency to REALLY tell your husband that you think the marriage is in trouble and give him a chance to put things right, or leave him. And if you leave him, leave him. Don't begin some sordid fling with this bloke but spend time on your own and sort out why the hell you'd even consider an affair.

6 months! Dear lord! Leave your poor husband to find someone who will love and respect him. He doesn't deserve someone who after a few weeks of being 'unhappy' runs to find an ex to shag. (And it will have been only a few weeks if your talking to ex about meeting up shagging )

As said, you've already cheated.

The fall out from what you're doing/will do will hurt multiple people. Don't be selfish. Either sort your marriage or leave it. Don't cheat on him - maybe there's a reason he's not been interested in sex for six months, ask him?

I bet your ex is bullshitting "oh I'm not happy" I've heard it so many times before.

I feel for your husband tbh.

Why are you even asking op. You know it is wrong. Would you like it done to you? Either you want to be with him or you don't. Maybe if you invested the time you have spent backsliding with your ex on working out your issues you wouldn't have got this far. Maybe there is something causing your husbands change in libido? Have you two drifted, is he having mh issues, stress? Maybe speak to him and either see if you aren't working anymore or if he need support. Don't go about chatting up your ex. Remember your ex is your ex for a reason. You weren't happy with him either at one point. Why swap your new unhappy situation for your old one.

Go ahead OP, do the emotional equivalent of throwing your husband and kids under a bus. Because that is what my ex did to me and our kids three years ago. Just so he could find out if the grass was greener, it wasn't. I'm happy, the kids are ok. He's still a miserable twunt with the OW, who did the same to her ex and family. If you are so taken with your ex, why does the opinion of a load of strangers on here matter?

OP, search for 'emotional affair' threads on here and read them. Then re-read them. It never ends well from anyone's perspective. You'll end up heartbroken and your husband will be devastated. Not to mention the impact on your kids.

Until you go NC with this man it will be a vicious circle. You'll keep wanting more contact. End it now is my advice.

Well it's up to you really. On the one hand you get to have a shag, on the other hand you break your husbands heart, destroy your kids and lose everything you've worked for over the past 14plus years. So its just a case of figuring out your priorities. If it's any help to you, try reading a few of the other relationships threads to see how emotional / physical affairs work out

The question is, how do you really feel about your marriage? Bored and unhappy but wouldn't want to lose it, or reached the point of wanting out? (And since you've got kids, I'd at least say you should be talking to him and trying to work things out before getting to that point)

Imagine how you'd feel if your husband found out about the affair and asked for a divorce. Do you feel sick, awful, terrified? If so, then you still feel you have something to lose – don't risk it, it will never be worth it. Break off contact with the OM and try and rebuild your relationship with your husband.

On the other hand, if you imagine that and feel relief that you'd be ending a relationship that's already done, then do the right thing and leave, rather than pursuing an affair while your husband has no idea his marriage has ended.

I get that you feel like you can't choose between them – unfortunately, you have to. As has been said a dozen times above, trying to have both will only end in a world of hurt for everyone involved. Could you face a lifetime of your children knowing you cheated on their father? The longer this continues, the more chance that you will get found out, and you'll never get back what that will do to them.

You are already cheating on your husband. And your ex is cheating on his wife. What a couple of peaches you certainly are.

Your post is so self absorbed. What about your poor husband and children and your ex's family?

Your long term relationship has reached a bump in the road and instead of trying to support your husband, trying to help him and find out what is wrong, your selfish ego has turned to the first available man to make you feel good. You are willing to destroy your marriage and your children's happiness and stability for a pathetic ego boost.

You ought to tell your husband what you have been doing and let him find someone else who really loves him and treats him with respect.

Your poor children. What an example to set.

Keep in mind that even if the sex has actually been dwindling in your relationship, "we haven't had sex in forever" is the typical line cheaters use. The odds that his relationship is actually what he says it is...well, let's just say they're minimal. He isn't honest with the woman he committed to spending his life with; why on earth would he be honest with you? You'll find out a little ways into this relationship that he was lying about his relationship with his wife, that they were regularly intimate, and you'll feel like a fool who can't trust anything and won't be trusted by anyone since you've betrayed your husband too.

I see from these posts that most people think I haven't even tried to talk to my husband about things when I have done so many times and each time I get I will change and try harder and then after a while things just go back to how they were. Surely I am deserving of some happiness in life and no it is not an ego boost I didn;t set out to have feelings for them both it just is that way and in no way does wanting more out of life make me a bad parent.

And no I do not want a relationship long term with the ex and neither does he with me so no I am not looking for him to leave his wife

Shag him then! Go on after all you 'deserve happiness'

If you want happiness LEAVE your husband, then you can shag who you want

If you are unhappy in your marriage, feel it cannot be improved, then leave your husband.

Don't have an affair - the fall out will be destructive.

Don't use your unhappiness as an excuse to justify cheating on your husband, your OM cheating on his wife and children being affected by the immeasurable hurt when it all goes to pots.

Give yourself a shake.

adora1 there is no need to use vile language in your responses. You are extremely rude.

If you think that having an illicit shag occasionally will make you happy then you are either mild meltingly stupid or very easy to please.

See you back here when its all gone wrong.

Wrt wether you 'deserve happiness': there is no "right to happiness". Even the American constitution stipulates a right to the persuit of happiness, not happiness itself.

Do you truly believe that you will find happiness by cheating?!

If you are sexually frustrated, masturbate.
If you miss the closeness and intimacy of a good relationship, be honest with your husband, seek relationship counselling if need be.
If you'd be happier without your husband, leave.

Don't be a coward.
Don't hurt others because you are vaguely dissatisfied with your current life.

If you think that was bad language, you just wait and see what your husband says when he finds out about this. And he will.

I happen to think you are a pathetic person who is using your husband's lack of attention to blow apart other people's lives, I think I have let you off lightly.

You are so self absorbed you don't seem to be able to see reality.

Your poor husband doesn't deserve this. What a horrible person you are trying to justify what you're doing.

I do hope a shag is worth risking your marriageans hurting your family

OP, grow up and own your choices.

If your DH won't give you what you want, leave but don't fuck up innocent children's lives because you want to fuck someone. Get a vibrator if you're that frustrated.

Affairs destroy lives.

You deserve happiness, but not at the expense of the destruction of your husband and children's lives. If you can't see that, then your self absorption is spectacular.

If you have tried to talk and you can't see a way forward for happiness in your marriage, man up and end the marriage. Don't go fucking around with the first chancer who comes calling. Be a grown up, end the marriage as amicably as you can, and move on.