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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

It's happened again

92 replies

TealLove · 15/08/2016 10:31

I wrote a thread before about a guy I had been seeing v casually but had a v intense connection with. He left for Another country for a course for the rest of the summer and completely cut me off in a way that was pretty hurtful. I wasn't expecting it and his messages started to sound like a different person.
The advice I got was to cut him off and delete him so I did.
Then last week he got in touch again, heartfelt and apologetic about how he'd been and v contrite. I was v low key and just said not to worry about it and he promised he'd make it up to me. Full of recognition about our connection and how he'd messed it up.. And that he really wants to see me when he gets back. I felt so much better and we started talking again.

Now he's kind of done it again. He's cut off and it's honestly affecting my mental health. It's like when I come forward and open up again he cuts me off. But he was the one opening it up again! I'm so confused I'm not sure I'm making any sense.

This has really affected me. He really affected me, some of the things he said and how we was with me. He meat something to me and he knows it. I've let him walk all over me.

I'm just writing it down. I honestly feel depressed about this experience and I'm fighting counting down these 2 weeks until he's back. I hate it.

OP posts:
Ineversaid16 · 15/08/2016 10:33

You have to be strong and cut him out of your life he is playing a power game with your emotions.

Original poster
TealLove · 15/08/2016 10:33

I know how pathetic I sound.
But why the fuck did he say things if he didn't mean them ? What's the actual point in that?

OP posts:
Original poster
TealLove · 15/08/2016 10:34

Do you honestly think he knows what he's doing?

OP posts:
peppercold · 15/08/2016 10:37

I was seeing a guy in the army, very full on for three months then just stopped any contact. Then two months later his mum turns up on my doorstep saying can you call my son he's lost your number Hmm like an idiot I rang him and he did the exact same thing again. Just cut me off with no explanation.

Nellyphants · 15/08/2016 10:37

He said those things because he wanted a connection with you at that moment in time. When he doesn't want that connection he cuts you off.

You're trying to understand him using the standards that you use, that you hold yourself accountable to.

He doesn't have those standards. He's not a nice man.

Feck him, cut him off. You'll get much better than him.

MoosLikeJagger · 15/08/2016 10:38

Because he is shallow and wanted to get laid? I'm sorry he wasn't who you thought he was Flowers

Ineversaid16 · 15/08/2016 10:40

At my age I have come to the conclusion that most men just don't get as attached or feel as deeply as women do in a lot of situations. You will drive yourself mad wondering, they also like women sitting around wondering about them it's an ego boost. Cut off, hold your head high and move on.

Missgraeme · 15/08/2016 10:40

Peppercold his name wasn't Gary was it?? Some men just don't know when they are on to a good thing! They want their ego stroked without making any commitment !

Original poster
TealLove · 15/08/2016 10:43

I didn't have sex with him as yet. But there was lots of everything else. He was so lovely.

It's like when he's apologetic he says things like I'm an asshole I'm a piece of shit and I felt sorry for him. He says I want us to reconnect like before and then when I start to try he cuts off again!
He so wasn't like this before he went away. He was a lovely person.

I'm just offloading but it's really affected my mental health.
Anything I say sounds like I'm crazy so I don't want to write to him.

OP posts:
SeaCabbage · 15/08/2016 10:44

I think sometimes you just have to accept that you might never know why someone behaves in a certain way. Especially when it is nasty and in your situation, so weird and nonsensical. You have to accept you will never understand, but that doesn't matter. He did what he did for whatever reason and the main thing is that you look after yourself and recover.

You may learn something from this horrible experience but I don' t know that it is worth it for that! Be kind to yourself. Do some lovely things and spend time with friends who love you.

Original poster
TealLove · 15/08/2016 10:47

Thank you
I feel so shit.
You're right I'll never know why he's like this. I don't want to let him know how much it's got to me. :(

OP posts:
tanyadm · 15/08/2016 10:48

He was just keeping you as an option. I'm saying that not out of cruelty, but because the same was done to me. You need to move on and forget him for your sanity. You deserve better than to be strung along.

peppercold · 15/08/2016 10:48

No missgraeme must be more than one tosser Grin

bluecashmere · 15/08/2016 10:48

Go NC and make sure you don't make the same mistake again.

He gives you little scraps so that you give him the attention he wants (this is what he's really after and the only reason he's being so 'heartfelt'). It's not real, even if it seems like it is. He is not lovely. Forget about him for your own sake.

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 15/08/2016 10:50

The WORST thing to do in these situations is to try an analyse why the other person does that. Because, actually, that's irrelevant.

The BEST thing to do in these situations is to ensure it only happens the once and that you don't allow them to do it to you a second time and if you need to analyse anyone, analyse yourself as to why you allow it to happen to you. Then don't do it again.

Original poster
TealLove · 15/08/2016 10:51

I will go NC properly now.
I did before and got over it then he got in contact again and it affected me.
I think I may have to block :(

OP posts:
Original poster
TealLove · 15/08/2016 10:52

Do you think I should say anything if he does contact again?
Any good ideas for what to come back ?
He usually writes when he has a problem out there ...

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 15/08/2016 10:55

Well if you truly blocked him from everything then he would not have been able to do this to you again.
Make sure you don't make it a 3rd time.
BLOCK HIM - Properly!!!!!
No tosser of a man is worth this.
You really need to look at why this has affected you so badly.
Could you go to your GP and get referred for counselling?
Could you afford your own private counselling?

MiddleClassProblem · 15/08/2016 10:56

I don't understand how he's done this in a week. Is ot possible he hasn't and you are just expecting too much? If he has gone from crazy contact to not replying then sack it off.

Original poster
TealLove · 15/08/2016 10:57

Ok I'll
Block now.
Yes I've had counselling, therapy.
It's a long story. I was attacked physically by a man I went on a date with last year. I haven't been the same since and it's been v hard to trust again.
This last guy said things like you can trust me etc. It's messed me up but I suppose he wasn't to know.

OP posts:
Original poster
TealLove · 15/08/2016 10:59

He goes from intense contact, apologies then when I start to reply and open up and connect again he retracts.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 15/08/2016 11:00

"he says things like I'm an asshole I'm a piece of shit "

Believe him. He's telling you the truth.

Original poster
TealLove · 15/08/2016 11:02

Omg you're right Sad

OP posts:
peppercold · 15/08/2016 11:04

Flowers block, he's not worth it

cosytoaster · 15/08/2016 11:11

Agree with everyone else, just stop engaging at all with him and move on. if he writes don't even read it. He's had one chance, don't let him mess you around any more.

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