It's happened again

[TealLove]

I wrote a thread before about a guy I had been seeing v casually but had a v intense connection with. He left for Another country for a course for the rest of the summer and completely cut me off in a way that was pretty hurtful. I wasn't expecting it and his messages started to sound like a different person.
The advice I got was to cut him off and delete him so I did.
Then last week he got in touch again, heartfelt and apologetic about how he'd been and v contrite. I was v low key and just said not to worry about it and he promised he'd make it up to me. Full of recognition about our connection and how he'd messed it up.. And that he really wants to see me when he gets back. I felt so much better and we started talking again.

Now he's kind of done it again. He's cut off and it's honestly affecting my mental health. It's like when I come forward and open up again he cuts me off. But he was the one opening it up again! I'm so confused I'm not sure I'm making any sense.

This has really affected me. He really affected me, some of the things he said and how we was with me. He meat something to me and he knows it. I've let him walk all over me.

I'm just writing it down. I honestly feel depressed about this experience and I'm fighting counting down these 2 weeks until he's back. I hate it.

Definitely no contact. I do empathise; my ex left me in May for OW and it totally fucked me up. Yesterday he phoned; the OW has left him and he's all contrite and 'feeling sickened' at what he's done. I won't take him back but the call made me feel very uneasy and vunerable and confused. You deserve so much better than this.

"he says things like I'm an asshole I'm a piece of shit"

Think about this carefully, OP: would a well-adjusted, emotionally healthy and available man say these things?

No?

He's telling you the truth about himself, if only his level of self-loathing, of which you are currently bearing the brunt.

Maybe, therapy-wise, this is the place where you finally get it and manage to curtail an abusive situation before it even starts? The downside is that you'll never know, because the only sensible thing is to block him.

Onward and upward

Reminds me of someone I heard about years ago. I was involved with one of the DC. Dad was in prison. Wrote me an anguished letter wanting me to give his DC a letter from him. He wrote how he really cared for them etc and wanted to see them when he got out and do things for them. Talked to DC's mother -- he did that every time he was in prison then when he got out never saw his kids but got involved with other women and made more kids. I checked it out and she was correct. A case of absence making the heart grow fonder because no other distraction is on offer.
You just can't fathom how some minds work because it's so alien to caring and sensitive people.

Whatever, connection you feel with this man, he is not good for your emotional and mental health. Does having this man in your life make you feel better or worse when you consider the overall picture?

I agree with other, you need to block this man, he is not good for you.

Thank you everyone. It really helps to get a perspective.
So much.
I know not everyone's perfect so I gave him chances but no more.
I think he must know what he's doing. He's not stupid v intelligent actually.

I know exactly the type of man/relationship you are describing.

Can I ask - are you usually and confident and independent woman who is quite laid back?

Because I am and yet have seen a few blokes in the past who have seemed to solely want to make me needy. Luckily I cottoned on quickly after the first time of being hurt!

Yes I was v confident when we met. He commented on it.
He really drew me in said some incredible things. Told me he wanted me to come out to visit him on this trip etc.
Then when he was there for a week he cut me off completely then started suggesting I was being heavy. ( I wasn't) but as it was casual I questioned myself and backed off gave him the benefit of the doubt.
It's v hard to explain but yes I wasn't at all needy.
I don't need this at all. It's made me mentally low.

I am also v independent

So, are you going to give him a chance to take the piss a 3rd time ?

Forget any clever "comebacks", forget any "closure" and forget trying to understand

He's a headfucker, pure and simple. You say he is affecting your mental health. Tbh, if you let him in again you will only have yourself to blame.

Oh god, sounds very much like my ex. He wanted me to 'need' him too. When we first met, I was addicted to alcohol and in a terrible mess. As the years went on, and I sobered up, he frequently withdrew his affection/attention. He liked me better when I was weak and completely dependent on him. Men like this really do mess with your mental health. You will be happy and confident again when you cut him out completely. I sometimes think these guys are a bit like an addiction; you know they are terrible but you keep going back. You get the 'high' when they reel you in and then the misery of repeated withdrawal. Go cold turkey!

Anyfucker. Spot on. Detach.

Yes. You're right AF.
Everyone said to block before and I only deleted.
I think what I've been questioning is am I getting this right? Am I overthinking or being too emotional? Am I being harsh? Am I ruining what could be nice when he gets back?
But no you guys are right. It's done and I have to make it over.

Somewhere out there is a guy who will be blown away by your intelligence, your confidence and your sensitivity - and you by his. This is not that man. Make space in your life for the right one, and in the mean time, build on your confidence and self-resilience again. Remember, no man should make you cry, and the only one worth crying over, would never do so. Corny but true

Yes your spot on you have to block him.

You need to remember the person you were before - strong, confident and independent. And remember that he took p/ has taken that away from you.

To gain back that feeling of control and confidence you need to make it so he's left unable to contact you.

I truely empathise because I've been there. Having seen others try it after I've come to the conclusion there's a breed of man out there who just want to make woman needy. There's a man out there who will love and respect you for the strong woman you are.

Do you honestly think he knows what he's doing?

Yes.

He knows exactly what he's doing, the cunt.

Sorry

Jesus
Thanks guys truly X

Just another one here to say block him OP. It shouldn't be this difficult. You deserve so much more. Realise your worth, move on from him and don't let arseholes makes you feel like this again

Thanks guys

Sounds like he has a family where he is going too. He doesn't want you to go so that's why he behaves how he does. It seems you are his bit of fun. I would leave him to it and find someone else who's committed.

I think in fact I know he's having fun with girls there. He told me as much as I we weren't really exclusive or anything.
I've been a total idiot.

Nuh-huh. No blaming yourself. Been there, done that. There are good men and there are twats. You are not the idiot. He is. He had the opportunity to have a relationship with a lovely, intelligent, thoughtful and sensitive woman. He fucked it up royally. A (much younger) friend once told me that all the crappy guys you meet are 'training' for the real deal. You will be surer of yourself. You will know what is acceptable/unacceptable. You will have your confidence back. You will know love when you see it.

Don't let this bag of shite steal all your wonderful qualities from you.

Is this what is called ghosting?

wizzy. I don't think so. This twat is reeling her back in when he feels like it and then pushing her away again. 'Gosting' is what I think and hope the OP will do to this man - I.e cut him out of her life entirely with no explanation, no apology and no backwards glance. And I really hope she does just that! She sounds lovely, and deserves lovely. Not this idiot.

'ghosting' even...

Thank you all so much.
I've had a little cry today and I think this thread is my opportunity to vent and self pity so appreciate it ladies!

The thing is I am a kind person, I did understand when he apologised and said he would be different, I listened to his problems out there and gave him advice. But when I'd see this as a reconnection and open up again he after a few days stops contacting completely and goes back into exactly the same behaviour as before then he'll like a post of mine and I'd feel lifted and then feel totally stupid because it means nothing. This was the guy who told me to trust him, wrote constantly, reeled me in.
He keeps saying how kind I am how forgiving and what good advice I give and how he knows he's been an asshole but he's going to be different and " when I get back" I want it to be like before. Then he completely changes.
It's really affected me a lot. Im just letting it out. Thank you I know I sound pathetic !