It's happened again

[TealLove]

I wrote a thread before about a guy I had been seeing v casually but had a v intense connection with. He left for Another country for a course for the rest of the summer and completely cut me off in a way that was pretty hurtful. I wasn't expecting it and his messages started to sound like a different person.
The advice I got was to cut him off and delete him so I did.
Then last week he got in touch again, heartfelt and apologetic about how he'd been and v contrite. I was v low key and just said not to worry about it and he promised he'd make it up to me. Full of recognition about our connection and how he'd messed it up.. And that he really wants to see me when he gets back. I felt so much better and we started talking again.

Now he's kind of done it again. He's cut off and it's honestly affecting my mental health. It's like when I come forward and open up again he cuts me off. But he was the one opening it up again! I'm so confused I'm not sure I'm making any sense.

This has really affected me. He really affected me, some of the things he said and how we was with me. He meat something to me and he knows it. I've let him walk all over me.

I'm just writing it down. I honestly feel depressed about this experience and I'm fighting counting down these 2 weeks until he's back. I hate it.

He's being emotionally manipulative and controlling. If you let him back in, he'll assume that it's a green light to treat you like dirt. He enjoys the thrill of 'catching' you, then wants to see how much shit you'll put up with, so that he can keep doing this. It's a fun game that keeps you available and needy, and gives him a sense of power.

If he ever contacts you again, remember that it's all just a game, he's playing a role to see how much he can hook you in, before he gets to bugger off and do his own thing again. Think of it like watching a con man spin his lies, trying to get something out of someone, before they take the money and run. He doesn't want money, he wants bragging rights over your emotions, but he's doing a conman's tricks in exactly the same way.

Part of the awfulness of this situation is that you give yourself a hard time for 'falling for' his crap. I had my ex (who left me in May for another woman) crying on the phone to me because she has now left him. He's not really sorry about what he did to me and DS; he's lonely. And for reasons I probably need counselling to fathom, I listened to him, I reassured him, I was kind.....And when I hung up, I was absolutely furious with myself for not just saying 'fuck off'.

He's with you, or he's not. The warning signs are there, OP. Do not, as I did, spend six years of your life (and have a child with) a man who is always halfway out the door. I really feel for you; I completely get it. But you are so kind and sweet and he's completely taking advantage of your very best qualities. You will meet someone who loves you for your kindness. Cry all you want, that's ok - but don't let him see you do it. You're allowed to feel crappy. He is not allowed to keep treating you this way.

NC is very tough, and takes willpower (but there are a ton of websites out there that will help you). A lot of people go into NC in the hope that their ex will miss them, and sometimes, it works and there is a reconciliation. But NC is mainly about you - about learning to live a life where wondering what your ex is up to and whether he is thinking of you, becomes less and less important to you.

Get through tonight without contacting him. Then work on tommorrow. Delete, block, whatever you need to do. We will be here!

Omg you guys are really helping
Really helping X

Don't ever go back to him! I had three years with a wanker like that, each time the honeymoon period got shorter as he knew he could fuck me around and I'd come back.

MOVE ON. Find someone who deserves you.

Your OP resonates with me because it reminds me so much of my ex and I in the early days. He was never committed, refused to use the term 'exclusive' while at the same time telling me he 'loved me desperately' (and I was such a sucker for that phrase!) and that we had a 'connection' he had never experienced before. He then went on to find a similar 'connection' with someone else shortly after our son was diagnosed with ASD.

He refused to even contemplate marriage. He would talk frequently about other 'pretty' and 'attractive' girls, while never complimenting me (and yet at the same time suggesting I worked on my low self-esteem)

He was an arse.

One of the hardest parts about being left, was not being single but the absolute headfuck of trying to understand why I had put up with this shit for so long. I remember looking in the mirror and thinking 'who am I?' Why had I tolerated his crap? What was wrong with me?

Answer: nothing. He was manipulative and controlling and many, many posts on MN helped me to understand that (although I have arranged counselling to be sure it doesn't happen again)

Get through tonight, OP with no contact. You want to type your feelings out? Do it here. Vent, cry, whatever. Do not give this man another second of your life.

I've known a couple like this. Massive head fuck every single time. IME they aren't ever able to commit to anyone, properly - ever. It's all about them and what they get out of it never about you or whoever else they're fucking over. Once they've played you and you want them they get bored.

Omg yes all about them!
He'd write pages about his problems his issues his family his this his that and I gave all this really valuable advice he didn't even take

His idea of keeping in touch was sending pics of his tan then when I sent back it was ignored , of course I complimented him
At first he was you're gorgeous you're beautiful you're so sexy then cut off completely
" we're not exclusive and I thought we were doing our own thing when we're away on hols"
I'm side pressed the I see pics of him having a whale of a time
Each time I re positioned myself to calm down but no no
He's actually using me for emotional support
The total cunt

*depressed

If he was having a great time he wouldn't hit you up for an ego stroke, he's obviously bored and wanted some attention. He is a cunt, and a pitiful one at that.

I hate the way these guys make you feel but honestly he's treated you so badly and will only keep doing so if you give him the chance. I read something the other day that said you should make it a rule not to date someone who's rejected you before. It seems so simple but I know it can be easy to be sucked back in in real life. Hold strong, lick your wounds and keep busy doing good things for you. Before long you'll realise you haven't thought about him in ages. Learn from this but don't repeat your mistake

Yes, he is using you - and now you get to use him. Use him as an example of what you do not want, need or deserve in a relationship. In every future encounter, use him as a barometer as to what is acceptable. Use him to be a bolder, stronger version of your already lovely self.

There is one more thing I'd like to add (I will be back later to see how you are getting on ). Relationships like this can also cause other important people to drift away from you, because they get tired of the drama, the break-ups, the reconciliations and the endless advice never taken. I'm lucky to have the-kindled one of my close friendships when I separated from my ex, because, as she said, I was back to being 'me'.....but she couldn't spend six years telling me to leave him, have me nod and agree, and then a week later, tell her we were together again. Keep us posted - and do not contact him. Do not allow him to chip away at the confidence you had before you met him.

Thank you again so helpful.
I'm giving myself today to be a mess which I am. I know it'll get better
He's not bothered so why should I be so? I hate this.
You know stopping it now saves so much pain in the long run.
I've blocked and deleted all social media. I feel totally and utterly shit

It's over before it began

Oh, Teal I do hope you're managing to be resilient. Do you have friends to distract you? Get through tonight without contacting him and you will then have the motivation to continue with NC tommorrow. You can be sad for as long as it takes. You can cry as much as you want. But do not let this emotional vampire back into your life.

I'm a mess
Sorry I'm letting it all out here
I know it's just a stupid guy but it's thrown me
I'm never contacting him dw
What hurts is that he'll never contact me again
And why did he say those things ?
I'm sorry but I had a bad experience a while ago, last year with a man. It's brought it all back I feel so worthless like I just get rejection. I feel so low.
As much as I tear it apart I genuinely can't see I did anything so wrong.
Any man I like has seemed to end up similar this for 2 years now so it must be me.
But I analyse and I can't see what I did that was so wrong!

Sorry I should say what hurts is that he's not bothered, after all he said and the way he was with me.
Why?
Sorry I'm just letting it out feel ridiculously low

It's not you. It's not a 'character flaw' or something 'wrong'. Sometimes, for whatever reasons, we put up with crap because either that's the way we were bought up or somewhere along the line, we've decided that this is what is 'expected' of us. I've applied to get some counselling, to work on my self-esteem because after all this, I recognise I need help with setting boundaries, etc.

None of this is about who you are as a person; it is about him. You've already mentioned he has problems/issues with his family. We don't know to what extent he's been damaged. He is not, and never will be, the man you deserve. Don't pity him; I've done that. At the end of the day, you have to look after you. It's fine to feel crappy, but don't let him steal your confidence and self-worth. These are his problems. Take a deep breath and try to be grateful you weren't drawn in any further. I'm a big fan of 'loving kindness' meditations; I'm rubbish at them but they make me feel like a better person afterwards! (Warning: If you attempt one, you will struggle!)

Thank you for being here Jess.

I tried a LOT of self help after the last experience. I thought I was there I really did then I met this guy on a fluke. He almost helped me in the process to feel better about myself. There were signs he was backing off but I pushed on a bit which I totally hate myself for. Then I was confused and caught out which is off putting. Then he thought he could get away with that behaviour so he pushed it and I was there being kind and understanding. It's like this awful pattern.

NC is the only thing I have but even then I feel like the looser.

Thanks for listening.

I honestly think that no man is going to 'help' you. We have to work out how to be ok on our own. I'm on another thread (completely daft; it's the 'Sixth Thread that No-One Responds To', ) but another poster just mentioned The Freedom Programme, which I'm going to look into. I've had so many crappy relationships that it is something of a relief to sit back and think 'OK, I'm on my own, how do I make being on my own a good experience?'

The goal is to be so comfortable with your own company, interests etc, that a romantic attachment is the icing on the cake. Have you contacted him?

You are so not the loser! Every day you don't contact him, you get a little bit of power back! These twats love games; he's probably smiling to himself and expecting you to contact him any moment! He wants to play? Fine. Play to win! Let him wonder why you haven't been in touch. And then let him wonder some more. Until you don't care any more. Every 24 hours that passes without you messaging, you win. Got it?

Thank you so much.
No not contacting him I'm totally resolute but I'm in a lot of pain.

Tje pattern is we don't speak then he writes with a massive apology or a crisis then I get hooked start to say I miss you or something like that then he cuts. That's been the pattern for like 4 weeks now.

Find it so hard to be happy myself. I'm so lonely Jess and I have needs. I don't want anything serious even! Just someone I fancy who is kind. Ffs I'm attractive, funny , kind understanding and I have a good personality. There's just something in my heart that's damaged and they pick up on it!

Your heart is not damaged, you just need to give it to people who appreciate it! Do not give in. He will contact you at some point, and that will be the true test of your resolve. I have to go to bed in a mo, but honestly, PM me anytime and I will respond in the morning. Your thread resonates with me so much, because it is so similar to my early days with ex - who is still trying it on, and therefore the reason for my seeking help. Have a look at the Freedom programme; I think we both might benefit from it. I firmly believe if you can do NC tonight, you will wake up tomorrow feeling a tiny bit stronger. I will check in with you in the morning, you can do it!

Thank you so much Jess
I mean it

It sounds like you agreed that you weren't exclusive then? Let it go, he's not taking this seriously at all.