Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

You've bullied me in to marrying you

(136 Posts)
rhubarbandpear Fri 12-Aug-16 11:16:35

So this is what my partner said to me last night.

We have been together for nearly 9 years. I have only recently seriously broached the subject of marriage (but it has been something we have talked about being "in the future" for years). He keeps coming up with reasons for why we can't marry in the next few years, keeps shifting the goal posts. But on holiday this year we saw a wedding venue we both loved and could see ourselves getting married in. He somehow agreed for us to put our names down for a date in 2018. He now says that I have given him a deadline for him to propose by, effectively an ultimatum. He says that I am bullying him into marriage.

Cost isn't an issue- my parents will be paying for most of the wedding which will only be an intimate one anyway. I let him do his own thing - he is going travelling in Peru with his mate later this year (which is costing him a lot of money) and I haven't battered an eyelid. He constantly moans about everything - he says he has nothing to look forward to in his future and his career is a failure - and I feel like I am constantly trying to pick him up and make him see the bright side.

I don't want to marry him after accusing me of bullying him into it. I have been fair to him and feel like he's taking me for granted. Am I being too sensitive over that comment? I feel like I should just walk out on this relationship. sad

ImperialBlether Fri 12-Aug-16 11:20:27

Oh come on, OP, why on earth do you want to be with him, never mind marry him? He sounds really depressing.

Getit Fri 12-Aug-16 11:22:30

He's an arse by the sounds of it.
You need a serious conversation with him Imo.

PaintedDrivesAndPolishedGrass Fri 12-Aug-16 11:22:39

Which is more important, the relationship or marriage? One is reliant on the other but not vice versa. Do you love him? Do you feel loved?

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 12-Aug-16 11:24:09

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

He is taking you for granted.

Why do you want to be with him at all (I note that you state he moans about everything and you seem to be carrying him as well) let alone marry him under such circumstances. Is this really the best you can do here, think your relationship bar here anyway is set too low. Don't settle for so little from him or any man for that matter.

TheCrumpettyTree Fri 12-Aug-16 11:25:14

He doesn't want to marry you. He's putting it off and putting it off because he doesn't want it.

LordRothermereBlackshirtCunt Fri 12-Aug-16 11:26:08

Come on, OP, you can do better than this guy. I would take being single any day over being with someone who behaved like this.

rhubarbandpear Fri 12-Aug-16 11:28:52

I do love him and he does make me feel loved (didn't used to but has done for last couple of years). The relationship is important but I know that I want marriage. I will soon be 30 and I know I will want kids in the next five years but I am starting to think he will resist this too.

He is all I have, I don't have any friends or anything, but I also know that is not a good reason to stay with someone. sad

TheABC Fri 12-Aug-16 11:29:05

It does not sound good and yes, he is taking you for granted. Best to get this ironed out now, along with other expectations (money, work, kids, home etc.). If he is not going to make a long - term commitment to you (after nine years ffs ), you need to know now so you can a man who will.

FinallyHere Fri 12-Aug-16 11:29:06

Have a long cool look at your life, with and without him. Which looks better? What are you getting out of this relationship?

All the very best.

TheABC Fri 12-Aug-16 11:29:37

You can do better, OP.

SpanishLady Fri 12-Aug-16 11:29:45

You know that expression 'he's not that into you'?....well that is what I think.

I had a DP like this once though not quite as blunt - it gradually dawned on me that he was thought there was someone out there better then me ..eventually I am relieved to say my self esteem reared its head and I called it a day before I went too far down the road of trying to talk him into it. for what its worth the guy I did marry didn't have to be talked into anything it was just simple - though he cheerfully admits he isn't that bothered about being married per se but knew it was important to me though now we are married likes having a 'missus'.
I know someone who is a few years down the road from you - it is never not going to be a bone of contention between them and has affected her self confidence.
Im not one of those people who think there is anything wrong with being NOT being married - plenty of people are very happily in love and with kids etc without 'the piece of paper' but it has to be a mutual thing or cant work or at least I haven't seen it do.
Ultimately you want to get married and he doesn't - you don't say how else your relationship is (though you suggest he is generally hard work) or what reasons he has for not wanting to - cost? principle? hates the palaver? but all of those are surmountable if you love someone enough who really cares about it.
Is it a deal breaker in your heart of hearts (taking him out of the equation)? if so - move on - you owe it to yourself.

FinallyHere Fri 12-Aug-16 11:30:24

Ah, just seen your update. No friends etc. Right, let go the things that are holding you back and go and find the life you really want and deserve. Start now. You won't regret it.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 12-Aug-16 11:32:09

"He is all I have, I don't have any friends or anything, but I also know that is not a good reason to stay with someone".

No it is not a good reason to be with someone besides which he is a millstone around your neck. Did you meet him when you were very young (say late teens) and thus had no life experience behind you?. Why is he going travelling in Peru without you as well?

Why is it that you have no friends? Has he driven them away? Where is your self esteem and self worth here; you are indeed worth more than this.

ImperialBlether Fri 12-Aug-16 11:33:27

You've been with him nearly 9 years but have only felt loved for 2 years? That's no good.

I would recommend you leave him and go all out to make some friends before you find someone new. This will end in tears - it's obvious to anyone reading it.

ShipwreckedAndComatose Fri 12-Aug-16 11:36:34

Why don't you have any friends op?

I agree with others. If he is resisting, it's for a reason. And I agree with you that he could well accuse you of bullying him into kids in the future. marriage and family will only work if both people want it.

You need to start thinking of yourself, you deserve better.

whimsical1975 Fri 12-Aug-16 11:36:47

OP, how important is getting married to you? I've always been one of those women who really and truly wanted to be married, have children and raise a family, but certainly NOT at any cost.

If it's something you really want then please don't waste another 9 years on this guy. Thinking about starting all over again is so daunting and I think we often feel we'd rather limp along in the current situation rather than take a chance on something new, different and unfamiliar. The thing is though, he's not going to change... he just isn't. He doesn't want to get married and even if he did go ahead with it then every single time you have an argument, for the rest of your life, he's going to throw this "you bullied me" crap at you! I mean how old is he? 12? I can assure you that if you stay then in another 9 years you are going to be wishing you made the decision to leave today.

Please move on from this and be kind to yourself.

Thingvellir Fri 12-Aug-16 11:38:08

OP please don't waste any more time on this guy - another 5 years of this and you'll be almost 35 and feeling like it could be too late.

What about doing something drastic to turn your life around - go travelling yourself, find some interests and interesting people, have an adventure!

This guy is dragging you down and you need to start living!

Ninasimoneinthemorning Fri 12-Aug-16 11:38:17

He doesn't want to marry you. Don't waste your best years on somebody that is not on the same page as you. You need an honest and frank discussion about children because the longer you leave it (after 35) you chances of getting pregnant even through IVF start to get lower - dramatically.

I have a friend who waited and waited for her Dh to 'be ready' for kids for her to be nearly 40 now and he doesn't want them. She won't leave because she has spent decades with him and it's too late now.

You have a time frame for kids (biologically) he doesn't. Think very carefully about the life you want and what/who you want in it. You gave been with this guy nearly ten years now and he is now accusing you of bullying him in to making an official commitment. Don't ignore this.

DragonsEggsAreAllMine Fri 12-Aug-16 11:38:23

He's tellng you very clearly he doesn't want to get married and if it happens it's because he feels forced into it.

You can either decide that living together is enough or leave and start over.

Why is he all you have? Did your old friends not like him? Don't you have any friends at work etc?

WhirlwindHugs Fri 12-Aug-16 11:39:33

You sound really down, I'm sorry, please don't stay with him because you feel you haven't got anyone else. His miserable attitude might well be putting off potential friends!

He certainly doesn't sound like he values you and your feelings.

Hockeydude Fri 12-Aug-16 11:39:43

Please get rid of this motherfucker. He should be desperate to marry you.

It makes me so angry when people make excuses to 'delay' marriage (after 9 years ffs) because they are too spineless to admit that it isn't what they want or too lazy to actively change their situation.

Ugh, makes me feel sick. Send him off to Peru and tell him not to come home.

Ginmakesitallok Fri 12-Aug-16 11:40:18

I'd cut my losses if I was you. You don't want to get 5 years down the line and still not have his commitment or dc.

Just one thing though - if you've already set a date (and booked it) why on earth does he still have to propose??

Hockeydude Fri 12-Aug-16 11:41:11

He isn't all you have. You have your wonderful self. He is the actual barrier to everything else.

mydietstartsmonday Fri 12-Aug-16 11:41:53

Walk away...

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now