I've been excluded and I don't know why

[excludedandsad]

I have namechanged in case I am recognized in rl.

I am one of these people who doesn?t make friends easily, I can do the initial chatting and have even invited some to lunch but invites are never reciprocated. Over time I?ve learned to accept this, albeit that it does hurt.

Now there are a group of mums at preschool who always seemed to chat to one another. I appeared to be one of them, one of them I?ve known for a while, not that closely but in passing, and another I met in the park and we got chatting, In fact I was the first person from the preschool she?d had the confidence to talk to as she?s quite shy. After preschool the kids always go and play on a wall outside, they tend to just run up and down, chasing and generally messing around, and that?s when the mums tend to stand together and chat. But over this past week something?s changed. Whereas everyone used to stand together and chat, the two mums mentioned above, and one other, have started to stand together in a little huddle, talking amongst themselves, it?s a definite group which is impossible to enter if that makes sense? It was always those mums whose kids play after preschool so I find myself being excluded and I don?t know why. DS loves to play with his friends after preschool so I can?t just say that we?re leaving and avoid the situation that way. But if you looked in from the outside there would be this huddle of mums all pally and me standing on my own to one side.

I don?t know what I?ve done wrong. As far asI was aware we all got on fine, but I feel now that they have formed their own little group of friends which I?m not a part of. We went to a birthday party yesterday and they were all together as well and not one spoke to me.

Why is it always me that gets excluded? I don?t think I?m a horrible person, but yet I just can?t make friends.

ah, guess I have my answer then :-(

People can be thoughtless can't they? I think I would go up to them and ask one of them a direct question, maybe invite them for coffee or something that way they will have to let you in the huddle iyswim. If they still continue ignoring you then just drop them they are not worth having as friends.

I don't have any useful advice but I do know how you feel.

I'm sure you haven't done anything "wrong".

What do you think would happen if you just went up to all three of them and joined in?

Is it possible that they might think you've gone off them - perhaps that's why they didn't speak to you at the party?

(((hug))) making dinner for kids, be back soon x

you are a nice person, or you wouldn;t care....

some people bounce from friend to friend, others find it harder......

you are not alone, and it is hard work making and maintaining friendships

Have you actually gone up and made yourself part of the conversation? Could it be a case of a self fulfilling prophecy, and the more excluded you feel the more they think you dont want to talk to them?

sorry if I am way off the mark there, I know how hard it can be when a group is formed. If they are being that rude and exclusive then they really dont sound like very nice people at all.

ah the school gate cliques I hate them.

You have probably done nothing wrong. Is there anyone else you can stand and chat to? Are you shy? I am a bit shy and I know sometimes it can come across that I am being rude and it puts people off.

Some people are just weird - simple as that!

I have said about this on MN before but when my DS was born i went to the HV and got told about a new mum that had a difficult labour (similar to mine) and would like to meet people in the village (v.small village).

So i wrote a card "CONGRATS ON BABY ETC' put my details and that when she's up for it, we could meet. She never called me, and i've since seen her and she makes no effort to talk to me... perhaps i was being freakishly nice!

If the women you are talking about can be so rude, why would you want to be friend with them anyway... i'm sure there are many more waiting to be friends with such a nice person!

poppies no I'm not really shy as such, I'm always the one that tries to instigate something further, invite for lunch etc. I've had two of the mums over for lunch and both have said that invites will have to be recipricated but they never have been, and yet I know that they've been to each others' houses/had each others' kids over etc.

I did try to join the group this morning but they were all standing so close together, almost in a circle, that I really didn't feel I could just join in their conversation. and when they left one of them told her dd to say goodbye to my ds but none of them said bye to me, even though I did.

Part of me is hurt by all this, but part of me does think that it's no wonder that children behave the way they do when their parents are acting like they're in a school playground. It's just hard to distance oneself from it when you're at the centre of it.

I would definitely just march up to them tomorrow and say hello! in a loud and cheerful voice (even if you don't feel loud and cheerful, iyswim) and see how they react.

And, as another poster has said, if they continue to ignore you, then drop them and get some new friends.

Good luck, anyway.

I agree absolutely with nogoes.

Poor you. I can absolutely empathise with you. It's awful to feel excuded without knowing why; you'd think we'd have left this behind in the playground, but every now and again I find myself in a situation where I almost feel 8 years old again, wondering why today is a nobody wants to play with decaf day.

On the other side, I also have times when I'm sure that I probably haven't been very sensitive to others - for instance with other mums at nursery, etc. but this is often due to me being in a hurry or because I have something particular I need to discuss with one or two of the other mums.

Obviously it's difficult to comment on your situation without being there. It sounds as though you are quite shy in general (you say that this isn't an isolated occurrence) so you most probably aren't the kind of person to throw yourself in other people's faces (thank goodness!). Instead, you wait to be invited into a conversation/ group. Are you convinced that the other mums are actively avoiding you or are just insensitive? For both your and Ds's sake, it's worth testing out by taking the plunge and being brave and just joining in, regardless. If they snub you and make it clear that they aren't interested then that is a shame (for them). Unless they are total b*tches, I'd think that it is unlikely that this would happen.

Good luck!

they sound horrid tbh. I would feel very hurt too.

Agree with Dinosaur. Give them a few cheery "hellos" and if they still ignore you then ditch them. They don't sound worth knowing if they are deliberately behaving this way.

Message withdrawn

Sorry E&S. cross-posted. I'm sorry that these women do seem to be so cliquey. Wish I could bop em on the nose for you, not that that would help.

You have lots of support here anyway (and you sound very nice to me!)

i think there is alot more nasty people than there are nice people.i dont make friends easily, mainly just because im too shy to approach others, but if someone was to approach me i would jump at the chance to have a new friend. i only have one who has a child and i dont see her that often. i think the other people are just probably fickle.

I disagree .. I don't think there are that many nasty people in the world tbh

but something is going on and as I see it you have a couple of options

do the big cheery hello and go and stand with them and chat

or talk to the one you're closest too and explain how you're feeling and ask her to honestly tell you whether you've done anything wrong or why she believes this has happened

poor you .. it sounds so sad .. I have been known to have my paranoid moments too .. as has everyone .. it may well just be one of those and they are wondering why you aren't chatting to them any more

I know a group of three mums who are very cliquey. If I see any of them on their own they are lovely and we have long chats, but if two or more of them are together I really feel like an intruder. They all get along really well together, always going out together and they all have dds whereas I have dss.

I just think it's a bit rude to change your manner depending on who else is there and I do feel saddened by it but luckily I know plenty of other people who aren't like this.

I would just say that you haven't yet met the right people. Don't blame yourself.

Hi there, know exactly how you feel. I just started another thread re feeling isolated. Its really not nice and I too just absolutely struggle to know what i am doing wrong.

Went mine first started school i knew none of the other mums. I always stood on my own, but then i just started talking to people. People always seemed pleased to chat and although they are not my friends i now feel more comfortable there. Are there not other mums there, just go and make conversation about the weather, local activities, how they enjoy pre-school??

I have decided to go and join evening classed to make new friends

Good luck and [hug]

Would you consider asking one of them if there is a problem. There is a chance you could be giving off some vibes you arent aware of, or may have done something you didnt realise. If this is the case I still think they are acting in an extremely immature way, but at least this way you will know.

you sound very nice and very friendly, but it might just be worth asking them and putting your mind at rest if nothing else.

I just wanted to clarify, I dont think you have done anything wrong. I rushed that last post and didnt want it to seem like I thought it was your fault. By asking one of them it might make them realiase how they have been acting if nothing else.

Do you have friends outside the pre-school excluded? I always find myself getting more wound up about friendships with other mothers when I have little going on outside school/ park etc and seeing people with their children. When I make the effort to catch with friends on an adult basis (ie not just people I know because our children play together) I find that the playground stuff just doesn't seem as important.

if you like these women and would be friends if you'd not met at pre-school I would make an effort, otherwise keep it friendly but don't get too involved.

I agree that there may be nothing wrong. I know that I've been part of a group in the playground that was accused of being cliquey by a new mum to our school. We had absolutely no intention of excluding anyone but I suppose we just felt close and pleased to see each other. Looking back it probably was hard for anyone to 'break in' but it wasn't our intention. In fact I find it hard to make friends myself and so I suppose I was just a bit pathetically pleased to be one of a friendly group. We were shocked to be told we were a clique and did then make a big effort to include other parents in outings etc

Like saadia says -get them on their own. Easier for you to start a chat and for them to realsie you are a nice friendly person and then harder for them next time to ignore you.

Why don't you invite one of your child's friends to play?

Do you really think they have changed or do you think you may have noticed it more? Im a very paranoid person and I am really trying to do something about it, I have a playground problem too but too paranoid to put it on here in case someone recognises it!
Do you think maybe you're being paranoid?

I would def. going and say a big good morning tomorrow and ask questions that can't be answered with yes or no. They may not realise you feel excluded.

Yep divide and rule! . A clique of one is no longer a clique. I think the world is full of wonderful people but once you've got your protective group of friends around you you don't need to make the effort.

Thank you everyone.

Puddle I do think that?s a part of why it bothers me so much, I don?t really have friends outside of the preschool setting. I am a sahm and so don?t really get out on my own, and although I am a member of a jim and do talk to people there, it?s generally during the course of exercise and therefore there isn?t really time for friendship to develop. The people I know are all through the park/preschool.

Saadia you?re right they are much easier to talk to on their own. One of the mums is someone who had never previously spoken to anyone at the preschool despite her dd having been there since March of last year. One day we met in the park and started chatting and got on from there, she even said that it was nice talking to someone and that I?d given her confidence to talk to others. She?s since made friends with the other two and it seems I?ve been left behind.

How does one go about asking if I?ve done something wrong without appearing desperate though.