Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've been excluded and I don't know why

53 replies

excludedandsad · 29/01/2007 16:01

I have namechanged in case I am recognized in rl.

I am one of these people who doesn?t make friends easily, I can do the initial chatting and have even invited some to lunch but invites are never reciprocated. Over time I?ve learned to accept this, albeit that it does hurt.

Now there are a group of mums at preschool who always seemed to chat to one another. I appeared to be one of them, one of them I?ve known for a while, not that closely but in passing, and another I met in the park and we got chatting, In fact I was the first person from the preschool she?d had the confidence to talk to as she?s quite shy. After preschool the kids always go and play on a wall outside, they tend to just run up and down, chasing and generally messing around, and that?s when the mums tend to stand together and chat. But over this past week something?s changed. Whereas everyone used to stand together and chat, the two mums mentioned above, and one other, have started to stand together in a little huddle, talking amongst themselves, it?s a definite group which is impossible to enter if that makes sense? It was always those mums whose kids play after preschool so I find myself being excluded and I don?t know why. DS loves to play with his friends after preschool so I can?t just say that we?re leaving and avoid the situation that way. But if you looked in from the outside there would be this huddle of mums all pally and me standing on my own to one side.

I don?t know what I?ve done wrong. As far asI was aware we all got on fine, but I feel now that they have formed their own little group of friends which I?m not a part of. We went to a birthday party yesterday and they were all together as well and not one spoke to me.

Why is it always me that gets excluded? I don?t think I?m a horrible person, but yet I just can?t make friends.

OP posts:
Booboobedoo · 29/01/2007 17:37

Excludedandsad: I'm sure if you'd done something 'wrong' you'd be aware of it.

I'll bet there's nothing more to it than misunderstanding: i.e. they were having a conversation and just being a bit thoughtless.

Obviously I could be wrong, but if you've got on with them in the past I shouldn't think it'd be anything sinister.

My DH is terribly paranoid and always projecting that onto other people. Actually, when he's feeling like that, he gives very strong 'eff off' vibes to other people without realising it.

I've never met you, so I have no idea if that's the case with you or not. Just something to think about.

KezzaG · 29/01/2007 17:44

Could you do a jokey "hey you lot, I introduce you all, and now you dont bother with me, thats charming!!" Then have laugh and just carry on the conversation.

Or, could you get the nicest one and ask if she has noticed if anything has changed as you are not sensing the same kind of friendship with the group as you were before. If you can make it sound as if you are not accusing, just curious and little concerned she might react better to a full on accusation, I dont think that makes you sound depserate at all, and might make her think about how they have been acting.

I think in a group of people you sometimes have to make yourself heard so you are not overlooked. Ifnot, what about putting a meet up request on here? Im sure there will be people in your area.

pointydog · 29/01/2007 17:53

Oh no - don't ask if you've done anything wrong.

The only thin gto do is carry on as if you're bright and normal. Try speaking directly to the one you're more friendly with, make it clear you'd like to break up the week by arranging an outing/get togther and see what she's says.

You can only keep plugging away I think. With an eye always open to new acquaintances.

pointydog · 29/01/2007 17:54

The jokey/serious thing could really backfire.

sibdoms · 29/01/2007 19:07

Yeh, agree with pointydog, the only thing to do is to be blase and cheery seeming. You can nonchalantly suggest coffee/park but must be prepared for them to say no. It sounds like you could do with doing a few other activities with your kids too and widening your circle. I don't think most people are nasty, I think they might be thoughtless or wrapped up in themselves. But if you feel like you find it difficult to make friends, then you will be more sensitive to perceived criticism or exclusion - and very likely it is just perceived. Good luck. There are lots of nice people around - go for it.

Dior · 29/01/2007 19:16

Message withdrawn

BecauseImWorthIt · 29/01/2007 19:19

This happened to me once, but the reason for the clique was that one of the mums had a serious alcohol problem and the others were trying to help her deal with it - hence being huddled together quite frequently. I felt a bit foolish when I found out because I suddenly realised I had been thinking about it only from my own perspective. Not saying that you are, but just trying to say that there may be something else behind all this.

madamez · 29/01/2007 20:43

As becauseimworthit says: it could be that something is going on which involves the three of them and doesn't involve you - no malice on their part, just dealing with a situation.
Also agree with other posters that it's probably worth trying to make other contacts to socialise with - both with and without children becaseu if you have a diversity of mates it matters a lot less if one lot start giving you grief.

traci8 · 29/01/2007 22:07

This kind of thing happens to me all the time, I don't make friends easily at all and when I do get talking to someone it doesn't take long for them to suddenly start avoiding me or ignoring me.

It;s all playground behaviour and whilst it used to bother me I just can't be bothered with it anymore. I think that sometimes school/playgroup "mums" are the worst types of friends to have.

I find the best friends are made through hobbies or college etc...something away from the bitchyness of the playground.

Fireflyfairy2 · 29/01/2007 22:27

Hey E&S. did you do anything today? Did you see the other mums?

thelittlestboho · 30/01/2007 11:41

Beware of the Stepford cliques!! Why does it matter if they make their own wee "club"? Rise above it, I abhor all these playground politics, when my two were younger I actively avoided any regular attachment to any groups, and I KNOW I was more respected for it. It doesn't mean that you're anti-social or unlikeable, it actually shows you in a strong independent light, (IME). Fair enough your DC likes to play with friends after school but I never have understood the need for the mothers to be chummy as well.

I hope you feel better about the whole situation now, just leave them to it and concentrate on YOU. People like that are generaly up their own arses anyhoo.

Fight the power, lol
x

DumbledoresGirl · 30/01/2007 11:47

God, I am the loner standing on my own every single day so I know who it feels, well the loneliness certainly, maybe not the rejection as I am too shy to make advances as you did originally.

I don't have any answers. I have just developed a thick skin and pretend I don't care that I am standing alone. I do have one or two individuals who talk to me once in a blue moon and then that is fine, I chat back, but it never goes nay further than that. I think I have just come to the conclusion that I am not very likeable.

What can I do?

madamez · 30/01/2007 12:13

I think, as a couple of people have said, it's probably better to make a social life away from parents-of-your-DCs-friends. Because, for one thing, any mums you pal up with are somehow bound to have DCS that either beat yours up or bring out the worst in your own DS/DD - and the kids yours love the most will have parents you bring you out in a rash.

I go to several toddler groups (DS only 2.4) and, though I find the other mums generally civil enough, I don't see myself becoming great friends with anyone. It can be difficult when really the only thing you have in common with people is kids of a similar age. And if you're not simliar to the majoirty of other mums in some notable way (much older/much younger/other end of the class spectrum/the only one who is/isn't a SAHM or whatever) you're always going to feel like a bit of a misfit. This isn't to say that people should only socialise with people who are just like themselves - living like that is a kind of hallmark of iether the stupid or the very trapped - but everyone needs friends with whom they have some ideas/attitudes/experiences in common, more than just gender and postcode.

ginnedupmummy · 30/01/2007 12:32

Message withdrawn

SarahJaneSmith · 30/01/2007 12:42

Last Summer a group of friends taht I had been very close too just seemed to drift away. I was very sad but just didn't want to 'have it out', I just cringe at confrontation. They seem to be back to normal speaking terms now and i'm glad that I didn't make a thing about it.

I have noticed over the last few weeks that another one of the original group seems to be left out now. I was standing about 30yds away from her yesterday at school and I texed her 'come and have a chat with me?' She had a little tear in her eye when she came over. We were both terribly British about it and talked about the weather.

It is horrible to be excluded but it may just resolve itself. I do know that I wouldn't rely on one group of people only now. Too easy to be left out IMO.

Hope things improve, keep smiling.

anniemac · 30/01/2007 12:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
excludedandsad · 30/01/2007 12:51

Hiya all quick update.

Only saw two of the mums this morning and one of them came over to talk to me. Didn?t say anything to her about how I was feeling etc, she seemed ok. Having thought it through, I suspect that the ?ringleader? if you could call it that, is the mum who wasn?t there. She?s the type who?s always trying to arrange social events/is always keen to be the centre of attention, and her dd is very very much like that as well, eg she won?t let anyone else play with her best friend, if she gets left out of play she runs to her mum absolutely distraught, I mean sobbing her heart out and mum will then make them include her etc, even if it?s to the detriment of another child. So I?m beginning to wonder if it?s a bit like mother like daughter iyswim.

I?m still sad that I don?t seem to be able to make friends that easily, but I don?t want to get involved in playground disputes, so really it?s their loss. And dh referred to them as ?the witch?s coven? which made me laugh.

Thank you for all advice/support xxx

OP posts:
anniemac · 30/01/2007 12:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

SarahJaneSmith · 30/01/2007 13:02

I'm pleased for you that today was better. Every group has it's drama queen.

I really must start previewing my posts. I am such a shite typist.

Dinosaur · 30/01/2007 15:21

Thanks for the update, excludedandsad. Glad you're feeliing a bit happier

decafskinnylatte · 30/01/2007 20:50

Am so glad that you can see through & laugh at this woman. I'm sure that in the long term the other mums will see her for what she is too. Just hang in there (it does sound painful). Good luck!

SecondhandRose · 31/01/2007 08:10

Definitely don't tell them you are feeling sad about it. Invite one them over for a cuppa or to a keep fit class or something.

edam · 31/01/2007 08:35

Glad you are feeling better. Why not talk to some of the other mums in the playground too? Maybe they think you are in a clique of four and never want to talk to them!

Fillyjonk · 31/01/2007 08:42

god thats horrible

i was going to say-take a book, feck 'em

but you seem to be sorting it

i will say that i utterly dont get why we are expected to get on with kids friends parents.

gorblimeyguvnor · 26/03/2007 16:22

The "ringleader" sounds a bit like a Queen Bee as described in Rosalind Wiseman's book Queen Bees and Wannabes , and Queen Bee girls often do have Queen Bee mums - there's a follow-up book that looks at parents too, and how they interact at school gates. Really interesting, and it can take a weight off your mind to realise how people get themselves constrained by some of these roles, into behaving in some quite nasty ways that aren't anything to do with the person they're ignoring.