Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Friend sh*gging married men

54 replies

georgethecat · 11/08/2016 19:46

A friend goes to weekend themed gatherings/festivals.

She has returned laughing about having ONS with a married guy a couple of weeks ago and then last week a different guy. In both cases their wives were at home looking after the kids.

I have a childhood listening to DM crying regarding DF repeated affairs so I am particularly sensitive about it.

The first week I said - didn't you think about his wife? She stated his marriage wasn't her responsibility.

Second week, second guy - I'm more fucked off. She justified it by saying that she asked him if he wanted to change his mind. He didn't but 'bless him' felt guilty the next day. She says I will feel differently about sex when I get older(!)

Yes these guys are twats, goes without saying but I'm raging at her for her attitude towards these women.

I was supposed to see her today & I just can't

OP posts:
MagicalRealist · 11/08/2016 19:53

Ugh. You're unlikely to be able to change her mind about the ethics of what she's doing 😬 Maybe it's best to tell her you really don't want to hear about it as it bothers you a lot and you don't want to fall out with her?

MorrisZapp · 11/08/2016 19:54

Personally I don't think it makes any odds who your friend shags. These guys are clearly serial cheats, and would be regardless of your friends moral fibre or lack thereof.

Lewwat · 11/08/2016 19:57

Karma

Original poster
georgethecat · 11/08/2016 20:02

True story.
Skanks the lot of them.

OP posts:
FleursDuMal · 11/08/2016 20:07

I would distance myself from her to be honest. I had a friend like this once and the selfish drama she created for herself was just too much. I prefer spend time with friends I actually like.

madgingermunchkin · 11/08/2016 20:08

Morris there is this little thing of treating others how you would like to be treated.

Tbh, if I were you OP, I would feel the same and would probably scale back and gradually phase out the friendship.

Lookatyourwatchnow · 11/08/2016 20:08

I couldn't be friends with somebody like this.

Paulat2112 · 11/08/2016 20:11

I couldn't be friends with someone like that either Look

Original poster
georgethecat · 11/08/2016 20:18

Yea I'm backing off. Hard because she's been in my life 10 yrs.
It just gets me on a few levels.
I just wouldn't treat another woman like this! Whether I knew her or not.

OP posts:
Chinks123 · 11/08/2016 20:23

I have the same problem with my friend op, and it really changed my opinion of her. Yes the man would cheat regardless but it was the fact she clearly didn't care about the poor wife and saw it as "not her problem." It was also the fact that she laughed and seemed to find it amusing. What really made me think she was a bitch was when she said "well it's not my fault she can't keep him entertained"... I then challenged her and said so if DP cheated on me it would be MY fault? She just went red and mumbled 'no that's different.'

I put it down to the fact she has never had a serious relationship, if she had she may be able to imagine the heartbreak the woman would feel if she knew. I still don't understand her lack of morals though Hmm some people are just plain twats. Sorry for the rant!! Grin

Original poster
georgethecat · 11/08/2016 20:28

Your rant is helpful!!!
I feel the same.
I sometimes despair at how people treat others.
But sometimes I wonder if I'm an old fashioned prudish nun.

OP posts:
Blueemeraldagain · 11/08/2016 20:30

I've never understood the forgiveness on MN for people who get involved with those they know are married/in relationships. Both are wrong in my view.

Buggers · 11/08/2016 20:32

Ugh yeah that's awful, maybe when she settles down one day and she's the wife at home with the baby whilst she's unable to get hold of her dh she'll understand. I'd get rid of her tbh, you don't need someone like that in your life.

Original poster
georgethecat · 11/08/2016 20:34

Well that's the thing, she's in her 50s and has been the wife at home with babies!!!

OP posts:
Scarydinosaurs · 11/08/2016 20:39

It took me about a year but I cut off a friend who did things like this. I lost all respect for her.

annandale · 11/08/2016 20:40

I had this to a smaller extent. Dear friend of 15 years, fantastic thoughtful woman. Fucked over by a long-term boyfriend and sad for years about it. Suddenly started an affair with a married work colleague who lived with his wife and two very young children. Informed me that it wasn't about the sex, they just liked to relax, chat, do the crossword. What did he tell his wife? Oh, she thought he was at the gym.

At the time I had a two year old and could well imagine how bloody nice his wife was being to send her husband off to the gym for some time to himself, and he was using this to fuck my friend and then lounge about in peace doing the FUCKING CROSSWORD.

Anyway, I couldn't spend time there. Good news was, she rapidly came to her senses and ended it. Give your friend time, everyone makes mistakes.

timelytess · 11/08/2016 20:42

She's obviously decided to have fun while she still can. Laughing about the wives is a bit off. I'm in my fifties. I don't go with married men, but if I did, their marriages would be their responsibility, not mine.
Looking at sixty as the next big birthday makes you rethink some of the attitudes you had when younger.

MarbleFox · 11/08/2016 20:42

I've always thought the excuse, "Well, their relationship isn't my responsibility" or any variations on that are massive cop outs, and the people who use them are cowards. It may be the mans responsibility to remain faithful to his partner but that doesn't make it ok to jump into bed with them. You're still doing a terrible thing and placating a guilty conscious with nonsense.

Original poster
georgethecat · 11/08/2016 20:49

Yea I don't buy the 'their marriage, not my responsibility' line either.

There are plenty of single people out there, why be part of enabling someone to deceive someone at this level, especially when the wife is at home bringing the children up, doubting herself, her body, her attractiveness. It's shitty

OP posts:
Original poster
georgethecat · 11/08/2016 20:50

Sorry I'm projecting and assuming massively above

OP posts:
FleursDuMal · 11/08/2016 20:52

Yes it's the married person's responsibility, but doing something shitty like this with full knowledge and gloating over it is still shitty no matter what age you are.

Cary2012 · 11/08/2016 20:54

Perhaps she was badly let down and become really hard and cynical, a sort of 'if you can't beat them, join them' approach? Still wrong on loads of levels though. No excuse just trying to understand how a middle aged woman can be like that. Hope she doesn't have daughters...

Blueemeraldagain · 11/08/2016 20:57

Enabling or, in some cases, encouraging an immoral (or illegal) is not ok. I'm not defending the menz. I don't care what gender either party is. Yes, the partner is a arsehole but to want to pursue a "taken" person is a special kind of fucked up.

Essentially: it takes two to tango.

I would distance myself OP.

Pearlman · 11/08/2016 20:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

aLeafFalls · 11/08/2016 21:10

My sister's like this. Fucking married men seems to be a hobby. She even had a baby with one of them, his poor wife turned up on sister's doorstep after someone told her.

A special kind of fucked up is right. She's revelled in the distress she's caused. I have as little contact as possible.