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Original poster

Do affair relationships last?

75 replies

catty2016 · 11/08/2016 09:14

Just wondering.....
I have been reading a bit about the statistics of affairs etc. In peoples experience do relationships that start as affairs tend to last? Is it generally true that men realise the mistake they have made & try to come crawling back? Does the age gap make a difference? Would be interested to hear people thoughts mainly out of curiosity. General thoughts on websites suggest that they don't last.

OP posts:
bobbymc · 11/08/2016 09:18

Gosh that's a lot of questions. Almost sounds like you're writing an article?

5subjectnotebook · 11/08/2016 09:25

If you've been reading about the statistics of affairs, why are you now asking for what will in all probability be skewed responses?

allthatnonsense · 11/08/2016 09:25

I have no idea.

I suppose that on the one hand it would be unfair that something built on a foundation of lies and pain should end happily.

On the other hand, if it doesn't last, what a terrible sorry story for everyone.

I would also concede that affairs arise out of lots of different circumstances.

CatyB · 11/08/2016 09:27

I believe with so many factors involved, it is very difficult to say what comes out of affairs ...

mrsbrightside3 · 11/08/2016 09:27

Depends on the circumstances I guess. Me and my exh were an 'affair' relationship, and an age gap relationship. We met when I was 21 and he was 30. We were both married to other people. We fell in love and left our current partners for each other - we did have a few kisses, but didn't actually have sex until we had left our partners, meeting each other made us realise we didn't feel how we knew we should about our current partners.

We caused a lot of hurt for both our spouses and families (no kids involved), but we knew we were doing the right thing. We married within a year of leaving our ex's and our marriage lasted 15 years. We were very happy and had children together. The stresses of running a business together and general growing apart caused our marriage to break down, but it was all quite amicable. We are now 4 years post separated and are good friends and co-parent our teenage dc well.

So no, our marriage didn't last forever, but we are still family and we class our relationship as a success - we have amazing children together and have remained friends.

At no point did either of us consider 'crawling back to the ex' so to speak.

emilybrontescorset · 11/08/2016 09:28

I know a couple and they are still together and very happy.

veryproudvolleyballmum · 11/08/2016 09:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PurpleDaisies · 11/08/2016 09:29

*I have been reading a bit about the statistics of affairs etc.
Why? Are you having an affair?

Original poster
catty2016 · 11/08/2016 09:34

Definitely not writing an article! Just wondering due to my own circumstances. Everyone has been telling me the relationship my H has with OW (14 years younger) won't last. He's fool etc. Will realise what he has lost. Realise it depends on circumstances. We have both seen counsellor who knows a lot more of story & is concerned that the circumstances of how affair started probably means it won't last. Guess I am worried if it all falls apart how it could affect me & DCs (I know no one can answer that part). Guess I was just wondering if the statistics were believable.

OP posts:
BartholinsSister · 11/08/2016 09:35

How can there be reliable statistics when affairs are secret - other than those that get found out.
You asked if it is "generally true that men realise the mistake they have made & try to come crawling back?"
People who have affairs don't necessarily see it as a mistake, and they might actually be women too!

veryproudvolleyballmum · 11/08/2016 09:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ravenmum · 11/08/2016 09:45

We have both seen counsellor who knows a lot more of story & is concerned that the circumstances of how affair started probably means it won't last.

Why "concerned"? And if they are still having an affair, what is the point of your joint counselling? (Not sarcastic, interested.)

Guess I am worried if it all falls apart how it could affect me & DCs (I know no one can answer that part).

If anything, it would mean that he would have more time and money for your children, rather than spending it on his affair partner and any children they had.

Of course some affair relationships work out, like any other kind of relationship.

loobyloo1234 · 11/08/2016 09:54

Hello Daily Fail reporter waves

Alisvolatpropiis · 11/08/2016 09:56

They can do. Everyone being different and all.

Pearlman · 11/08/2016 10:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

raisedbyguineapigs · 11/08/2016 10:16

I would think it depends on why they had the affair. If the original relationship had genuinely run it's course and both parties were unhappy, but one had an affair because they were too cowardly/scared to end it then it may have more of a chance. If one partner just got bored of family life and liked his ego stroked he will soon be bored again and maybe having to do banies again with a much younger woman. However, if your story is true, it doesn't matter what the internet thinks. You have to do the best for yourself and your children. Whether his affair lasts and whether you will take him back when it does is his concern. You can't make decisions based on 'what if he comes back' Its making him your puppetmaster.

AndYourBirdCanSing · 11/08/2016 10:20

Why bother commenting if you think it's a journalist? I'm sure other posters can make up their minds whether or not to respond Confused

TheNaze73 · 11/08/2016 10:35

I think they can. If you are that determined to potentially break up a family unit etc etc, I think you'd try all you can to make it work with the OM/OW. mrsbrightside & her circumstances are completely different to someone who's strayed as they're not getting any

HippyPottyMouth · 11/08/2016 10:46

I know two people whose relationships started as affairs. Both couples are now in their mid-sixties, both have been together over 20 years. The relationship was right but the fall-out was massive. One person's eldest son didn't speak to her for years. The other had the very uncomfortable consequence on his daughter's wedding day of his ex-wife refusing to be in the same room as him and his wife aside from the formal parts, which took a lot of careful managing by his other children to avoid spoiling the day for their sister.

hellsbellsmelons · 11/08/2016 10:50

My ExH who cheated on me realised he'd made a mistake.
Too late matey. No way was I going back there.
His affair partner didn't last. She was mad as a bucket of frogs.

However on the flip side, I'm still with my affair partner 5 years on.
Not saying it will last forever because I thought about my marriage would but so far we are still together. Love each other etc...
However, age difference wasn't a thing. I am in fact older than his ExW.

Original poster
catty2016 · 11/08/2016 17:35

Thanks for everyone's comments. Sorry wasn't very clear in my comments earlier. Was having one of my down moments when I posted earlier. We started counselling but after 2 sessions he announces he wants separation. It was a few weeks later that it became clear that he had started relationship with OW hence why he probably decided he wanted separation. He stopped the counselling after saying he wanted separation but I know from counsellor she identified some of his issues (as well as mine) that he needed to work on and basically told him that if he didn't deal with them & used the separation as a way to start a relationship with someone else then it probably wouldn't work out between them since he hadn't dealt with so called issues.
Up until our problems started (mid May) we had a very good relationship. Been together 17 years. Hit our first rocky patch (sure some of which was brought on by a very stressful work situation for him). He went through the whole love you but not in love with you routine but supposedly committed to working on our relationship but then decides he wants separation and basically his way to deal with it all is to start sleeping with someone else.
I personally can't see a way back from everything he has done so not looking to see if there is a way back for us. Was just interested in people's opinions and experiences. I personally feel he thinks he has a new proper relationship but everyone else seems to be telling me it won't last (possibly because she it not that long out of a relationship herself (April) so the term rebound has been mentioned).

OP posts:
ravenmum · 11/08/2016 17:52

Her relationship ended in April, huh? But you think his affair only started after your problems began in May?

HappyJanuary · 11/08/2016 18:01

I've read a lot of those statistics too.

The only statistic that rang true was that 50% of first marriages fail, 60% of second marriages fail but over 70% of marriages arising from an affair ultimately fail.

So I guess there will be 30% of marriages arising from an affair that do manage to endure.

But then how many of those are out of a sense of 'this has to work or it was all for nothing'. I think my exes relationship would be seen as a success, except he cries and apologises and asks for another chance every time he sees me.

My advice would be not to dwell on it. You will make yourself mad waiting for it to happen when you should be moving on and making an amazing new life for yourself. Let the adulterous shit make the best of it with his gullible new partner.

SusieQwhereareyou · 11/08/2016 18:12

There was a widely written about report in 2013 that found 31% of second marriages end in divorce, compared to 45% of first ones. I don't think it mentions anything to do with affairs etc.

AmberNectarine · 11/08/2016 18:13

Well 8 years and counting, my DH and I are doing ok. No kids involved though (I mean before, we have ours now), not sure if that would make a difference.