Do affair relationships last?

[catty2016]

Just wondering.....
I have been reading a bit about the statistics of affairs etc. In peoples experience do relationships that start as affairs tend to last? Is it generally true that men realise the mistake they have made & try to come crawling back? Does the age gap make a difference? Would be interested to hear people thoughts mainly out of curiosity. General thoughts on websites suggest that they don't last.

I do believe that if you meet the right person and they are truly the right match it doesn't really make a difference if it started as an affair. Its actually really difficult to leave a relationship that is just 'ok' or routine; in my experience lots of affairs start when one person meets someone else who makes them realise that their current relationship isn't right.

I think they have just as much chance of lasting as any other relationship really.

Be happy with the knowledge that if they're truly happy with someone else, it wasn't meant to be with you and that you can find someone who is more suited too.

round that's exactly it. My ex-fiancé was the nicest man in the world, but he just wasn't right for me. It took my DH coming along to realise that, because there was nothing wrong with my relationship, other than it being a bit platonic. When I got engaged it just seemed like the next logical step - we'd been together three years, we lived together. It was sort of 'courtship by numbers'. With my DH, we moved in together immediately, got engaged after 6 weeks and I was pregnant within 6 months. It all happened very quickly but it never felt at all out of the ordinary.

So, I do reject the notion that everyone who cheats once will cheat again, because I wouldn't and I believe my DH wouldn't either. We live and work together and still chose to spend pretty much all our free time together. I can only extrapolate that we must be quite fond of each other, really!

We've been together 15 years, married for 10. My first marriage was a complete mistake. I knew before we walked down the aisle but was too cowardly not to go through with it. He was a violent alcoholic but my family adored him and knew nothing of his horrible side. I knew the moment I saw DH. Went through lots of pain and heartache, lost members of my family but I'd do it all again in a heartbeat to be with DH.

Guess reading the few responses here that some relationships last but I think it depends on how & why they start.
ambernectarine - the way you describe your marriage to new DH is how I would have described my marriage to my H until May. Definitely was never platonic in the 17 years we were together. It was like he got attention from someone else and decided it was worth exploring. I am not saying our relationship was in any way perfect obviously things have changed from when we first started seeing each other, kids etc but nothing out of the ordinary. Maybe it will last maybe in wont but either way a lot of people have been hurt in the process. In my case what has been the most damaging is how my H chose to deal with it all. Lies, secretive, sneaking off, making me believe I was paranoid, everything was in my head, suggesting I wasn't right in the head & suffering from depression. Even his mum joined in claiming I was 'ill'. Well now she knows the truth.

OP my ex cheated on me with a girl 10 years younger than me at Christmas and I spent a long time fixated on whether it would last or not; given that it started as an affair, she was a lot younger, etc etc.

However it's really not worth obsessing over because it doesn't make a blind bit of difference to your overall happiness in the long run if they are or not. Focus on being happy in yourself and keep reminding yourself that he wasn't the one for you.

I'm now 8 months on and I honestly couldn't give a shit if the original ex was still with her or not! You will get there.

Round
Thanks for that I know it may seem like I am fixated about it but I am not. It was just out of curiosity that I asked the question.
I know I am better off without him. He has done so much to me that I know I no longer love him which actually makes quite a difference. When it all first started I was trying everything to save our marriage because I loved him& wanted us to be together. But so much has happened that I can never see a way back from it. I know some marriages survive affairs but the way my H did things to me is just unforgivable in my book. Guess I am saying if his new relationship doesn't last and he does come crawling back I wouldn't have him. It's not easy but as each day passes a little bit more of me moves on from him. Glad to hear from someone else who has been through this that it does get better.

catty I'm sorry you went though that. Crappy behaviour from your H and you know you deserve better. I too have been cheated on by a long term partner (came at a really low point in my life and OW was a close friend), so I do understand.

I guess nothing is ever guaranteed. You have the right mindset, but don't spend too much time thinking about them and how it will turn out. Onwards and upwards.

"Affairs of the heart that out in the dark, never do well in the light". Except for those that do. If you were to read the story of DH parents past then you'd be shocked but he ended up with happy parents and wonderful step parents. So.....it depends!!

My parents were having an affair with each other (one was married and one engaged) and left their previous partners to be together. 33 years later they are still married to each other.

DP and I had an affair - only 3-4 yrs later but still together.

All the mumsnet stuff about "karma", "once a man marries his mistres...", "it'll never last", "they all say their marriage was sexless", is BS. There are lots of different reasons people have affairs.

In our cases we were both too gutless to leave our marriages till we happened to meet eachother. Once we had we realised all the things which were lacking in our marriages. He realised his then wife was EA and we both left after a 6 month affair.

I think your friends are probably being kind by saying "it'll never last"... They can't exactly say "well he's probably found the love of his life".

I read so many stats when we were having our affair and mumsnet posters really made me doubt myself and our relationship but in the end we know the truth.

I really regret how DP and I started but our lives are so much happier than they were before - ironically so are both our exes lives from what we see and here.

Good luck OP

I'm happier in many ways several years after my ex left, as our marriage increasingly meant me making compromises for his career. I hadn't realised how little he was putting into it until he was gone. So I'm not sad he left. But I am still angry about how he left, and at the time I was very depressed and anxious. Just because an affair might lead to both parties feeling happier in the long run, that doesn't justify them I'm afraid. Confusion you admit you were too gutless to leave and I can understand and sympathise with that, but the idea that the results justify the means makes me think you are wallpapering over things a bit!

From my ex ' s affair I also learned that you can never know "the truth" - definitely not from what someone else says, and maybe not even from yourself, as we are all constantly trying to find the angle that makes us look the least bad. I've lost all faith in "the truth".

'I think your friends are probably being kind by saying it'll never last'

No, they are saying that because it's statistically the most likely outcome.

i guess there are some affair relationships that last - there are examples on this thread after all - but most fail. And of those that last, how many of the participants regret it but have no choice but to keep going down that path? My ex certainly regrets it, but I doubt his new partner knows that.

ravenmum - I don't think the end justifies the means at all. I definitely regret the fact we started as an affair but I don't regret ending up with DP. We should have both ended our marriages first.

However despite my ex being violent and his ex being controlling and EA, neither of us had the guts to leave until we met eachother. Also neither of us really realised how unhappy we were till we met someone who made us really happy.

My ex three away our relationship for an ex GF it didn't even last 6 months.

Ok. I'm having an affair with a woman who is married with two children she.has said she wants to leave him when her youngest is a little older. 4 years. Which is going to be hard for me and her come the time. I have asked her to promise she won't be physical with him in that time. She says she probably wont be and hasn't been for a over a year anyway. But she won't promise because she says its a added pressure as she at home and if it comes to an ultimatum she will until she is ready to leave at the time for her youngest....I'm just finding it difficult as i will be faithful to her and would forgive her if she did its just i feel i need a commitment from her as 4 years time she could say... I can't di it yet it's still too soon.
Tbh my heads up my arse and she is everything i want who has made mistakes like i have in the past. I just feel we have met at the wrong times but think we can make it. I just don't know what to do about the time im between

Why not start your own thread, this one is two years old.

FWIW in your position I would be wondering why on earth she'd want to stick with a miserable marriage for another four years. Why? What on earth would be the point? She enjoys making a fool out of her dh and wants to lie to his face for another four years? Or she wants to string you along for as long as possible with no intention of leaving?

Get some self respect and end it. How can you bear her sharing a bed with her dh, fucking him, cuddling him afterwards, then coming to you? If she loves you so much she'll leave her dh and come running when you walk away won't she.

OP, this thread has ended up a discussion of why people have affairs ( many valid) and whether these affairs continue to flourish as a relationship ( Yes ,much as many MN people do hate it they do ) . What you are really having to think about is your own situation - you sound as if you would still take him back whereas you have stated very clearly about what you expect from a marriage . The two do not match . Why are you even discussing what your husband and this woman intend to do ? Move on . He has made his choice . Concentrate your energies on yourself .

Depends what you mean by "last"

I know someone who left his wife and children for a 14 year younger woman. He married her. But he is also having affairs and going to strip clubs etc.

So you know, maybe it'll last. But it doesn't seem very awesome to me.

Some do and some don’t I guess. I know a few couples where there was definite crossover and they are still together and seem happy. One couple broke up their marriages for each other, which was horrible and had terrible repurcussions at the time but they still seem crazy about each other ten years on. Importantly his wife is much happier now with a lovely husband and two babies, which is great to see.

One man I know was effectively in a stay for the kids marriage and once his kids left home, met someone and they moved in together. That one didn’t last and not have any of his subsequent relationships. He says it was like he turned that relationship part of himself off while with his wife and can’t turn it back on again.

I think it depends on the people involved and the reason for the cheating maybe. Having been cheated on myself I still hate cheating, but it isn’t always black and white and it has been difficult when people I think highly of have made poor decisions and caused so much hurt.

I know a few people who are still with their affair partner:

My ex husband is still with the OW, 15 years on.

My boss is still with his OW, 12 years on

My best friend's ex husband is still with his OW, 16 years on

Whether any of them are happy is an entirely different question though!!!!!

Zombie thread but we're still together and happy. I think unless you're with a serial philanderer, every relationship should be viewed in isolations

One of my former friends had an affair with a married man at work. He had a young DD as well just to make matters worse. He played the standard “my marriage just isn’t working, I don’t find her attractive anymore, we haven’t had sex in years” etc card and ex friend fell for it. I honestly thought he was stringing her along and she would end up hurt. I was wrong, he left his wife after a few months and they’re still together now. Amazed me to no end.

Left his wife, or wife found out and kicked him out, forcing him to ow by default? I know several of those!

So what? A few months is nothing.

Maybe the POTUS or the former foreign secretary can shed light on this, allegedly.