Do affair relationships last?

[catty2016]

Just wondering.....
I have been reading a bit about the statistics of affairs etc. In peoples experience do relationships that start as affairs tend to last? Is it generally true that men realise the mistake they have made & try to come crawling back? Does the age gap make a difference? Would be interested to hear people thoughts mainly out of curiosity. General thoughts on websites suggest that they don't last.

My ex has been with his OW for more than three years now, if you find anecdotal evidence interesting.

But yes, you'll be happier when you no longer dwell on this kind of question. It's hard at first, but once you've made the decision to split up, his love life is, fortunately, not your problem any more.

OP, I mean this nicely as you are clearly hurting, but ravenmum is right. You will be far happier when you stop thinking about him and his future and start thinking about you and your future

It hurts when someone falls out of love with us, and in love with another, it's agony, but it's not within our control. All you need to know about him is whether he is going to fulfill his financial and emotional obligations to the DC.

Whether his relationship with OW is a bed of roses or doomed to failure is none of your business.

It does get easier I promise.

Surely it depends on what you define as last. I.e. For a year? Two years? Five? Ten years? Ultimately many relationships break down but that can be for a number of reasons and may have no bearing on whether the relationship began as an affair.

I used to live in a town where affairs were really common. It was a town which was owned by the company my parents worked for and as such everyone knew everyone iyswim. And the thing was, people had affairs, other people knew about them, then at some point these people left their partners and moved in together. Of these I know of at least two couples who are still together 25 years later and who are very happy. And as far as I know they have amicable relationships with their ex's as well, and the children were completely accepting.... Presumably those marriages were just wrong for whatever reason, and while an affair is never the way to go, it would seem that it was for the best those marriages ended...

Conversely however I had a friend at school whose dad had been having an affair for around fifteen years. Once the youngest child had left school her mum left him and filed for divorce. He moved straight in with ow and the relationship lasted for less than a year after that.

My exH had an affair with a much younger woman. Went on to marry her and still together 14 years later

My dad had an affair with a woman 5 years older than me and they were together for 20+ years until he died. They were a far better match for each other than he and my mother ever were. She cared for him throughout a prolonged terminal illness. My mother wouldn't have been able to do that.

My exH is still with the OW. They split up for about a year about a year after he left, but they are together again. I guess that means it's for keeps. I don't like the way he's treating me and the children nowadays, but everyone deserves to love and be loved, so I don't begrudge him the relationship. I didn't love him and he didn't love me. It would never have lasted anyway.

I can think of three couples off the top of my head who married after having an affair and are still together.

It totally depends. My dad is just about to celebrate 25 years with his OW. I know some which have lasted and some which haven't.

It also depends what you class as An affair. If you meet someone you connect with and it makes you realise that you aren't happy as long as you leave BEFORE getting sexual with someone else I don't count that as an affair. I think that's a catalyst for a breakup that was likely Inevitable.

When I met my now DH I was in a shitty relationship. The connection I felt when I met him and the way he treated me made me realise I had been putting up with a substandard relationship. I hadn't considered anything beyond friendship it's him but when we met there was a huge spark.

I ended my relationship but didn't even know if he was interested until afterwards. I ended it because I wanted to find those feels and that respect with someone even if it wasn't this person. I owed it to my current partner to walk as soon as I felt those feels for another in my opinion.

Depends on the circumstances. I had an affair towards the end of my marriage (I subsequently found out OH was gay, which explained why the marriage was sexless and why he seemed to resent me all the time). I can see that affair man was a distraction - for breakfast not dinner - but the affair gave me the confidence to leave my husband. Affair man was also as mad as a box of frogs and I finished with him soon after. I call him 'transition guy'.

Thanks for the continued thoughts. My H definitely started his thing with OW while we were still together. In fact he even made it quite clear he was committed to trying to save our marriage while pursuing her. It does feel like he has become infatuated with her presumably flattered by the attention of a much younger woman. Up until our 'issues' he was a loving, attentive husband and father. None of our friends can believe I am talking about the same person when I describe what he has done. It's like I am talking about a different person. Even our counsellor said that she couldn't see any obvious red flags when describing our relationship before our rocky patch. I think at the end of the day he had the opportunity of investigating a new relationship and decided to take it! Also read an article about whether a son can inherit his fathers infidelity gene recently. My FIL had numerous affairs whilst married to MIL. Strange thing was my H was absolute raging when he found out this (as adult) & always gave impression he could never do what his dad had done to his mum since he saw how much his mum suffered. Like some have said it doesn't matter what happens all I need to worry about is myself and my kids. Certainly not waiting for him to come and not sure I would ever be able to take him back since I know I would struggle to ever trust him again.

Even our counsellor said that she couldn't see any obvious red flags when describing our relationship before our rocky patch.
It's a pretty normal chain of events, sadly:

1. Apparently normal relationship
2. Flirting, chatting, affair "because I'm worth it"
3. Rocky patch
4. Affair comes out
5. Guilty party claims affair started after rocky patch
6. Affair is blamed on rocky patch / rewriting of history with "normal" relationship made out to be worse than the fires of hell

My mum married her MM. Still together 20 years on.

My dad had an affair and later married ow. They're still together, he's late 70s, and he still has affairs. Noone knows this on the outside. It's like they've made their bed and stay in it despite how shit it is.

So I'd query how people know affair relationships are solid.

rumred Sometimes marriages are just bad and people stick in them so that they are not turning the applecart completely upside down and sending those apples all over the place when there doesn't seem to be a good enough reason to do so.

One or both of the people in that marriage might eventually meet someone who makes tipping the applecart and spilling all those apples worthwhile.

Those are the affair relationships that tend to last.

That's very different to people who just have numerous affairs behind their spouse's back because they don't respect the vows of the marriage.

My dad wasn't an adulterer, but he did meet someone who loved him more than my mum ever did, and he loved her too. I didn't particularly like his second wife, but I could see that they were happier together than my parents ever were.

My ex married the OW and they have 2 children. (9years)
My other ex has a child with the OW and still together (6 years)
And my last ex is still with the OW (4years)

I sure know how to pick them!

Although my DH is the best!!!!!
#goodriddance

My DF had an affair with OW when I was little (3-4 years old) and they are still together nearly 30 years later.

He has cheated on her both emotionally and physically but they're still together...

Ugh, Evergreen, bad luck there!

Raven tell me about it!! TBH I think a bit of it was my fault as I was very insecure back then and should have walked away from them after a few red flags....

How bizarre, I was just going to add a comment then realised what the previous posters username is!
Do you think whether an affair relationships lasts depends on
if the affair was just for the sake of supplementing an unhappy marriage with no intention to leave
or if the affair came about because the affair partners came across each other by chance (i.e. a more natural meeting)?

I think from the general comments it does depends on circumstances. Guess there are so many reasons why affairs start
-unhappy marriages
-midlife crisis
-the person has no morals and doesn't care about the consequences
to give a few examples.
The list is probably quite endless.
I do believe though that if you are in a marriage that has no major issues then even if someone comes along there should be no straying. You have promised yourself to a person and so shouldn't contemplate starting anything with anyone else. Like previous people have said you at least split up first if you really can't control your feelings. I can maybe see why it is more likely to happen in unhappy marriages but still think you should split first. But I guess there are always going to be people (both men & woman) who are going to be tempted even if they know they are doing the wrong thing.

Ravensmum
Your list of chain of events is scarily very accurate of what has happened to me....
I will be interested to see how it all unfolds. My H made it quite clear and has continued to do so that he does not want anymore children (after birth of last DC who is now 5). Will be interesting to see what happens with the 25 year old OW. Have actually asked him that question of what he is going to do if and when she might want kids. His response was that they hadn't discussed it, she might not want any. Then throws in quite a revealing comment 'if we are still together by that point'. A few people have said that it already sounds like he is questioning their relationship. I am hoping karma does exist if that's the case.....

Evergreen!

I think one indicator of whether it will last or not is if the unfaithful spouse leaves their partner or is forced to leave when the affair is uncovered.

I'm not sure how reliable the statistics are, but I've read lots of times that a person genuinely in an unhappy marriage and looking for an escape will do so within the first four months.For every additional month that passes, it is less likely that that person wants to leave.

So when someone is discovered in an affair and is kicked out, and then by default ends up with OM/OW, it is less likely to work out because they were not explicitly chosen iyswim.

The trouble is that the OM/OW won't be told that will they? When their lover turns up on the doorstep or expresses relief that they've been told to leave, their new partner will believe it.

FWIW OP, my ex regrets it hugely and I think that's quite common. Real life is not like the excitement and forbidden fruit of an affair, where you show each other the best version of yourself for the short periods you're together. One day your new partner looks as dull as the old one, but with inherent trust issues, guilt, shame and all while handing over a chunk of your monthly salary and seeing your kids every other weekend.

The only woman I know who is in a proper relationship borne out of an affair is still jealous of his wife - the shared memories, long history, marriage, children and even the fact that his family still love and include his ex.

I would rather be you than her. Forget her, forget them, focus on moving on.

I know a few couples and they are very "happy".
What the wife doesn't know is he's a cheating bastard who has never been faithful in his life.

It takes a certain kind of man to cheat on his wife and those men never stop.

I know, with absolute certainty, that my DH has never cheated on me. He left his wife pretty swiftly after he met me and has never regretted it for a moment. I also left my fiancé (after a month) and also have no regrets.

Neither of us were particularly 'unhappy', just rumbling along in relationships that were OK, but more friendships than anything else. When we met each other it was immediate, all-consuming passion. We still feel the same 8 years later and neither of us are remotely interested in looking outside the relationships.

We're not bastards or serial philanderers, though the way it happened was less than ideal. I wouldn't cheat again and I know he wouldn't either. There is no one-size fits all rule to apply, people are different, relationships are different.

Wow, I'd never even thought about this but yes, off the top of my head, I know of several relationships/marriages which began as affairs who are still together and appear to be happy, 10-20 years later. I never would have thought that.