Can we have a thread for those of us who are daughters with difficult mothers?

[PinkyofPie]

Been thinking about starting this thread for a while.

My mother is a difficult and sometimes toxic woman and we have a strained relationship.

I think IRL there's not enough people around like me, all my friends are best friends with their mums. My mum recently moved back to the area and all I get is "oh I bet you're so happy". Actually, no, her being closer is awful if I'm honest.

There's so much to my relationship with her, too much for an OP.

A huge bone of contention is that she knows about a family member sexually harassing me quite badly through my teens (I've posted details in another name). I'm talking flashing, suggestive language and grabbing me now and again when no one was looking. I have told her the details. This person is still very much in her life, she bigs him up to anyone who listens and can't understand why I despise him and won't be near him. She minimised his behaviour massively and We Don't Talk About It.

She also made comments along the lines of "well did you lead him on?" yes mum, I was 16 and he was 55, I was gagging for it with a relative.

being in her presence is very tiring. She has no friends so I feel pressured to see her now she's back near me. I met her today, and I am drained. I always feel like I've done something wrong, she's in a constant mood. Everything is crap, she hates any food we eat, complains about people nearby and won't look for the good in anything. Where she lived before was so much better apparently. Spending just a few hours round that negativity is exhausting.

The funny thing is she makes out to others like we extremely close. A daughter of her friend - who I had just met that night - once said to me "I'm so jealous about the bond you and your mum have"

Anyway I know MN has lots of people who feel the same so thought I would start by having a place for us long suffering daughters to share, moan, vent and generally get everything out into the open!

[NoncommittalToSparkleMotion]

contrary I'm so sorry.

lljk I had hoped for a son when I was pregnant with DD too. Because I know my mother doesn't like men/boys and would leave me to it with parenting as she wouldn't bother with boys.

I adore my DD, but as I knew would happen, my mother thinks DD is hers. And interferes in everything.

In the depths of my PND, I said to her that I felt I was a bad mother. My mother replied, "Stop talking like that. People will judge you. Your daughter deserves better than that."

[NoncommittalToSparkleMotion]

Bloop it's so unfair.

[SandyPantz]

"Stop talking like that. People will judge you. Your daughter deserves better than that."

oh it's always "people"

My mum puts "some people will say" or "other people will think" in every judgemental bitchy racist or homophoic sentance that comes out her mouth.
If challenged she's all "oh not ME! I don't think that, I'm just warning you that other people might say that"

[PinkyofPie]

Hi everyone, OP here.

Thank you so much for posting and a for you all - as bad as this sound I feel better reading other people's experiences knowing I'm not alone.

I could have absolutely written this:

But still I feel guilty, as though I should have done more, been a different person, expected less - then we might have had a proper mum-daughter relationship.

I've waited all my life for my mother to say she was proud of me and that she loved me. It's never happened

Sylvia you asked what I was like as a teen - funnily enough I was as good as gold, never gave her any grief and never got so much as a detention. My 2 DBs on the other hand were a nightmare - they stole, took drugs and barely a week went by where the police weren't at our door because of one or both of them.

Luckily my brothers have grown into fine young men and wonderful fathers, total turnaround. And my mother never mentions the teen years, which is good! However, my 'crime' in childhood was much worse and gets mentioned constantly...

I was a premature baby, I had jaundice, a heart murmur and failure to thrive. I sicked up everything I ate and had to have tubes up my nose pretty much all the time in my first year meaning I spent most of my time in hospital.

I'm not sure if my illnesses contributed to this but apparently I was a terrible baby for sleeping and eating (once I could eat myself without tubes). I was always sick or just wouldn't eat and I barely slept for my first 4 years. And doesn't my mother let me know about it! If I say DD had a bad night, she goes "HA! I bet it wasn't as bad as you you were awful, from the age of 2 I used to put you in the living room on your own with toys and go back to bed with earplugs in!" always followed by what amazing babies my DBs were. I also 'made her fat', she was stick thin before she had me (though my nanna and old pictures tell me otherwise). Every time she gets down about her weight, it all comes back to "I was fine before I had you". I wonder if she actually believes I was purposefully a bad baby who made her fat out of spite. My DH has said a few times when she visits "can we get through the day please without mentioning what a bad baby Pinky was." She's even said it to friends and some of my ILs which I just find completely embarrassing.

When I've told people this IRL they think I'm being daft but I know my mum, it's a real dig at me and my personality, and just another example of how I'm a disappointment. Almost like I started out not good enough and never got any better!

I also think it's the little things that count towards a bad relationship, and people can control others through the little things, then make out "it's no big deal" IYSWIM. For example, mum went to Italy not long after DD was born and came back with a christening dress she'd spent £200 on!! I'd told her when I was pregnant that we aren't religious and we're not having a Christening. She banged on and on about a good dress going to waste and they can't return it. They wanted her to have one just to use the dress I never asked them to buy. I stuck to my guns and she'll tell anyone who'll listen that she spent a fortune on a Chrsitening dress and we were so ungrateful and changed our minds about having one and never offered to give her the money for it

I'm 4months pregnant and she actually rang me today to see if I wanted to have her in the room when I give birth. I felt like saying "what planet are you on, we don't get on!". She doesn't want to do it because she wants to help me through a difficult and painful time, she wants to do it so she can tell people what a super mum she is! I said no and now she's in a huff.

I'm just exhausted from trying to figure her out. DH says that the best thing to come from it though is that I'm a great mother to my DD because I know exactly what not to do. I fear that my DD will feel about me one day the way I feel about mum, and I try so hard to not be like her.

[Birdandsparrow]

Will read thru thread now. Feels like it might be my place. Two years almost NC bar e mails from her now and again, been nothing now for six months. My psychotherapist said (with all the usual caveats about diagnosing someone he'd not met) that it seemed clear she had a narcissistic personality disorder.

[heavenlypink]

I feel my sister was the "wanted" child and I always felt (and still do) that my mum is happier spending time with with her and her daughter. Another 'secret' she kept till I was pregnant myself was that inbetween having my sister (older) and me she had a miscarriage which I think adds to my feelings of being the 'outsider'. I too longed for a boy when I was pregnant - never really read much into it but looking at other posts I wonder if subconsciously I was worried about the mother-daughter relationship

[SlipperyJack]

Me as well. My mother did love me, I think, but in the old phrase, she had a bloody odd way of showing it. Highly critical, always taking other people's side over mine, undermining, manipulative, emotionally abusive. She did suffer from depression and had had a poisonous upbringing herself - but had no insight into how her behaviour affected me, particularly after my father died when I was 10.

She's now in a care home with Alzheimer's, and doesn't recognise me (she's immobile and non-verbal too). I'm slightly surprised at how little I mind. And not feeling sick with dread each time the phone rings is a bonus too.

[BodsAuntieFlo]

for each and every one of you on this thread.

[Ladybird08]

Quietly stepping into the conversation.
I have recently had a massive argument with my mom and we haven't spoken for nearly a month and it's like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.
We used to be quite close but over the years it's all fallen apart.
All I ever wanted was to be close with her but I feel she constantly rejects me. She has no time for me but does stuff occasionally with my sil that she never does with me.
I genuinely feel she either doesn't like me or is ashamed of me because I am overweight and common.
She says nasty comments about big people and when I raise it with her she says "oh, I don't mean you "
She feels she does loads for me as she did a few days childcare for me each week (she is retired but in great health).
She makes me feel so guilty about everything.
I suffered quite badly with post natal depression and all she said was "I never had it so I don't understand ". She didn't try to understand.
I feel so let down by her.

[BodsAuntieFlo]

Unfortunately I'm not anything as good as a teacher. Do you know what afferal? I've met some truly awful teachers in my time. It's not what you do, it's about the person you are and the journey you've been on. I think everyone on this thread is equal and we're all travelling the same journey ❤️

[Geraniumred]

It's really sad, isn't it? Do other people on this thread feel they've had to work hard at mothering themselves and feeling like they deserve it? That's probably what I have found the most difficult.

[Belindaboo]

Name changed for this as I don't want this thread to follow my other postings.

The shame of not having a 'normal' mother doesn't go away, clearly Only recently have I stopped being angry with being dealt with the mother I have rather than the kind one I really did deserve.

So Firstly, thank you OP. I'm in.

I could've written most of the postings on here. I too felt isolated growing up given that I had a moody, lazy, slovenly and angry mother who clearly felt better by bullying me. She is massively indiscreet with particularly my business and could start a row in an empty room. My younger sister was not treated the same which gave her power over me and set up sibling rivalry. This I know stemmed from the favouritism shown to her own sister in her own childhood. I think my mother enjoyed this. I too was told I was not likeable. During my teenage years I learned not to confide my fears in her as invariably when she was in a foul mood (often) it would be thrown back in my face 'no wonder no one likes you' was often said. I can't imagine sending my little girl to school with those words ringing in her ears when she had no one to confide in (or sit with). On the upside it has made me a stronger person who has done well in life although it has to be said whatever my sister does is obviously better!

I was married before but I never told my husband about my difficult childhood. She manipulated him to not tell me things to see if he would do as she wanted. He did so he had to go as really I'd had enough of that shit. When I met my partner I felt safe enough to tell him what my childhood was really like and he believed me. He loves me unconditionally and now I am a mother. I never thought unwound be as I was worried I didn't know how to parent. As a PP said, I did the opposite parenting method! My DP dors not like my mother and she is vary wary of him. I love my child with all my heart and I never want her to go through the emotional crap I did. I want her to be strong and kind and to know she doesn't have to please me for me to love her.

I too had to deal with the 'I might kill myself today' shit before I went to school. Seriously, who does that to a child? Most days I was worried that she might actually do it. Unsurprisingly I was a very anxious child. My mother was and remains today a shit wife, shit housekeeper and a shit mother. She is awful to my Dad who is her enabler. I used to be cross with him, now I feel sad for him. Her house is a fucking tip but she criticises mine for being 'bland and clinical' it is not. It is however clean and tidy and my daughter can invite anyone over at any time without being embarrassed. I never had anyone over to play as I was aware that my house was not the same as other people's. My mum did not work. I cannot understand what she did all day as she didn't cook either.

God that feels better getting it out there,

[Belindaboo]

Geraniumred - definitely. I work really hard at mothering and being mindful of my behaviour. If I am shouty like a normal mum I think 'God am I like her?' Then I realise no, I haven't made her feel totally shit about herself, haven't let her think I might not collect her from school having committed suicide. I take her to interesting places, travel with her and answer any questions she has about puberty with honesty. I didn't have any of that so it's important she knows she is loved even if she messes up. My little girl is awesome but deep down I know I only had one child so that I could' have a favourite like my own mother.

[Belindaboo]

• couldn't

[Geraniumred]

Belinda - I work hard at mothering my own children and monitor myself quite closely too.
I didn't phrase what I meant very well - which was
Do others find it hard to be a mother to themselves? As in do you find it hard to be kind and caring towards yourself and meet your own physical and emotional needs?

[RainIsAGoodThing]

My little girl is awesome but deep down I know I only had one child so that I could'nt have a favourite like my own mother.

Yes.

And YY to only liking children up until about age 5. Right about when they start having a mind of their own.

[Belindaboo]

Geranium I think I had to parent myself from a very early age so I have a safe space I retreat to in my head where I tell myself it'll all be ok. I've done this since I was about 7 so it obviously is nature's way of self preservation. It was only when I got older and observed that other mother's didn't spend their time trying to show their kids up and cooked for them edible food and kept a clean house that I realised all was not well at mine. I clearly remember telling a friend's mother that I thought I was adopted. Hoped more like! Unfortunately that mum didn't realise what a narcissist my mother was and told her as she thought it was a funny thing to say. God did I get a bollocking. From that day on I realised adults where not to be trusted.

[Belindaboo]

Oh and my mother never really had friends she was always falling out with people. She also cannot read other people's feelings as to 'God have I outstayed my welcome?' As a result I value my close friends dearly. They are my sisters. My mother has tried her best to hijack them whenever she has the opportunity

[BodsAuntieFlo]

I'm seeing a bit of a trend here with dirty houses. My mums house was dirty and it took me a lot of years not to be cleaning constantly. Every time I put my children to bed I told them how much I loved them. My children are grown up now and I adore them. I was so scared I'd turn into her. DH and I never drink in front of our children when I remember the times she came into my room drunk, threatening to put her head into the gas oven still scares me I remember lying in bed trying to stay awake and smelling the aftermath of the vodka in my room. The odd thing is, my sisters don't remember anything like I do, but they forget they were older than me and stayed out of the house a lot. I'm not NC with them as well. Life is easier that way.

[BodsAuntieFlo]

That should have read NC with my sisters now too.

[BodsAuntieFlo]

This thread has been fantastic. I now know I'm not alone.

[Belindaboo]

Agreed bod! My mother used to associate with other clearly fucked up people too. She changed my piano teacher when I was about 8 from a lovely kind lady to some old pisshead she was obviously involved with behind my Dad's back. How awkward can you make a child feel? Why would you leave your children alone with a drunk person? I still can't get my head around that. My sister also doesn't have the same memories. That's not because it didn't happen but she literally has no memory of childhood lucky cow

[MistressDeeCee]

I've been NC with my mother for 2 years. She is a narcissistic woman and a man-pleaser, women don't matter very much to her. Due to her lies causing myself and sister to fall out, I decided I didn't want her in my life anymore

My mother can create very elaborate plans to cause other people unhappiness, and then barely hide her glee when the other person is in abject misery. She hates women to the point you can't even watch a tv programme featuring women, with her. Every woman is a bitch, or fat, or ugly, or stupid

I can't stand her. At times I wonder if I should feel guilty about that but, I don't. Only a few people know our situation but I hate it when some say "but won't you feel guilty when she dies?" Which I won't, and don't see why I should

My mother is a very active 74 year old who looks nowhere near her age, has a good circle of friends, and a brilliant social life. Appears not to have a care in the world. She is extremely vain, and happiest when all focus is on her

Someone mentioned upthread the shame of not having a normal mother. I do feel tinged with that. It would be nice to have a normal mother but I don't, took me years to come to terms with that and I wish I had before. Better late than never I suppose

[ladydepp]

I'm in too. My mother is not as bad as some others here but she is very difficult to love. She has suffered from depression on and off throughout her life, but I think she is also a very selfish person. She is 79 now and has no close friends and is virtually a recluse. She lives abroad and I visit her once a year. Thankfully she lives in a nice region of the world and so we are able to turn it into a nice family holiday with a few visits to see her.

Every year she makes some kind of horrible comment to me, almost like she is saving them up for my visit. This year we were having a very light hearted conversation about when her children (me and my sibs) started walking. She can remember everything about my DB's childhood but nothing about mine, even though I am 8 years younger. I asked her if she could remember when I started walking and she said "I can't remember anything about your childhood, well nothing good anyway!". Can you imagine ever saying that to your child???

I have finally learned, after forty something years, to let her comments wash over me. I think she resents the fact that I am happy and settled and she feels very bitter about her life. Once our visit is over I basically forget about her until she emails or calls. Thankfully she is nice to my DB and he is basically "in charge" of her.

One of my best friends recently lost her mother who she was very close to. My friend said to me "spend lots of time with your mum, you'll miss her when she's gone". Sadly I don't think that's actually true for me.... But I do really miss my DF .

You all have my sympathy and I hope you can all get some good emotional distance from your difficult mothers.

[princessmi12]

afferal
I have been told same thing about my pregnancy. That she would kick me in the stomach until baby's no more.
It's even more bizarre because I was actually married and had a child already but my h went to work abroad and she falsely thought he abandoned me pregnant with a child on my hands.
It's first time ever I heard someone experienced same horrible stuff.