Can we have a thread for those of us who are daughters with difficult mothers?

[PinkyofPie]

Been thinking about starting this thread for a while.

My mother is a difficult and sometimes toxic woman and we have a strained relationship.

I think IRL there's not enough people around like me, all my friends are best friends with their mums. My mum recently moved back to the area and all I get is "oh I bet you're so happy". Actually, no, her being closer is awful if I'm honest.

There's so much to my relationship with her, too much for an OP.

A huge bone of contention is that she knows about a family member sexually harassing me quite badly through my teens (I've posted details in another name). I'm talking flashing, suggestive language and grabbing me now and again when no one was looking. I have told her the details. This person is still very much in her life, she bigs him up to anyone who listens and can't understand why I despise him and won't be near him. She minimised his behaviour massively and We Don't Talk About It.

She also made comments along the lines of "well did you lead him on?" yes mum, I was 16 and he was 55, I was gagging for it with a relative.

being in her presence is very tiring. She has no friends so I feel pressured to see her now she's back near me. I met her today, and I am drained. I always feel like I've done something wrong, she's in a constant mood. Everything is crap, she hates any food we eat, complains about people nearby and won't look for the good in anything. Where she lived before was so much better apparently. Spending just a few hours round that negativity is exhausting.

The funny thing is she makes out to others like we extremely close. A daughter of her friend - who I had just met that night - once said to me "I'm so jealous about the bond you and your mum have"

Anyway I know MN has lots of people who feel the same so thought I would start by having a place for us long suffering daughters to share, moan, vent and generally get everything out into the open!

[Badders123]

Hugs to all of us
It's a bloody grim way to feel

She wants to go to Ireland for my aunts big birthday party next month
Jesus
I'd rather stick pins in my eyes
I'm not even sure if I love her
God that's awful
But she is like a dementor....sucking the joy from life
Ugh

[Olives106]

I definitely don't love mine. Amazing how taboo it is to say that

[TrulyFubar]

I've been NC for 16 years now. I grew up coping with my mother's narcissistic bullsh*t, but when my kids started to be affected ("why doesn't Gran live me?) the shutters came down. I saw her briefly at my brother's wedding party and she hadn't changed at all. I was disappointed in myself that the thought of having to see her made me so anxious even after all those years. Thankfully I had all of my adult children around me for support which helped. They've chosen to be NC too. There's been no 'poisoning' of their minds by me. Her actions were everything.
I grieve for the mother I never had. I certainly didn't deserve the one I got. It has tormented me that I might be like her. I'm not but I still worry!

[Reindeerlily]

I feel bad posting this but my mum just gets on my tits. She questions me on the most ridiculous things, "what time did you put the washing out?" And she's so naggy too.
Since her and my dad split up nearly 16 years ago she's had more men in her life than soft mick.
It's embarrassing when people ask after her and ask who her boyfriend is now.
I just don't feel like we have anything in common.
She's good with my children, my daughter specifically. She hasn't made much of an effort with my baby though.
God I do feel guilty writing all this but it's true. I've just never admitted it before.

[Flanderspigeonmurderer]

My mum is not toxic herself but her parents were and I think it has affected her so much that it can make having a relationship with her difficult at times.
I feel that she wants an intensely close relationship with me, where I tell her every detail about my life and every thought I have, and anything less makes her feel hurt as though I'm purposely excluding her.
She's very insecure and no amount of telling her that I feel loved by her seems to reassure her.
But she can also be very controlling and sometimes emotionally manipulative. We have talked about our relationship and I think she can recognise what she's like but it's a bit one step forward, two steps back with her. Luckily we live quite a distance away from each other so I get some peace!

[SandyPantz]

I definitely don't love mine. Amazing how taboo it is to say that
What amazes me is people who openly admit to not being close to their fathers who dictate to me that my mum is "the only mum you've got and you should cherish her" - go and "cherish" your rubbish father that you're not close to before you tell me to cherish my rubbish parent! or STFU-thanks!

She's good with my children, my daughter specifically. She hasn't made much of an effort with my baby though Be careful with that, mine was great with my first, as a result I let my guard down (should have known better after a lifetime of her batshit!) and let her be more involved in our family. She treated my second totally different and has not only tried to foster a toxic compeditive relationship between them, but also talk down my younget to relatives who as a result think she's awful and spoilt (by spoilt, she is not smacked! and we don't give 100% of our attention to her favourite, our eldest!)

[Toria2014]

'I did my best' - that old chestnut. When she tells me she loves me, I simply do not believe it, as her actions throughout my life say differently. Her mother was an epic narc from what I can ascertain and her brother was the golden child. She is in poor health now and I have tried and tried to help, be the good daughter she expects me to be. Its all pointless though. The miserable old bitch.

There, I said it.

[BodsAuntieFlo]

I was NC with my mum for the last 10 years of her life. I couldn't deal with her huffs/rants/bipolar/alcoholism anymore. I blamed myself for years before realising it wasn't me, it was her. She said some awful stuff to me while growing up. When I was around 9 I remember her telling me she was going to put her head in the gas oven if I didn't go to sleep (I was terrified in my room as my grandmother had recently died.) Another gem was telling me she should have aborted me. I was a late unexpected child and she never really forgave me for being born.

I limited her contact with my children and I'm glad I did. I have no regrets going NC with her but I wish I'd had a normal mum like my friends had. My MIL turned into the mum I'd never had - she's amazing.

[Badders123]

I'm 43
She has never told me she loved me
She certainly hasn't shown it in other ways either

[EwanWhosearmy]

I always feel guilty joining a thread like this because mine wasn't as bad as some of these.

But her favourite phrase while we were growing up was that she loved children until they were 3 or 4 or able to answer back but not so much after that.

If ever I try to broach the past with her I get either that she can't remember, or it didn't happen, or "oh it's always my fault isn't it", and how she always did her best but it obviously wasn't good enough damn right

I was an independent feisty little girl, so she much preferred my passive DB who was happy to just hold out a foot or an arm to be dressed. I was a horrible teenager who made her life a misery, and despite the fact that I've spent my entire life trying to please her/get her to notice me it's still all about her.

[Bananasandchocolatecustard]

I'm in. My mother did the controlling by guilt tripping, ignoring me and my sister for days (aged about 8 onwards), we had to apologise to her before she would speak again even though we hadn't done anything. There are lots more examples. I love her but don't like her. She had no friends and expects me and sisters to provide a social life for her. She is bitter, twisted and sucks the joy from everything.
Her latest was to scream at me on the phone until I hung up on her. Haven't spoken to her in 2 weeks, enjoying the peace. When I was being my children up as a single parent she always had an excuse why she "couldn't " help out. I did the opposite of what she did when I was a child with my children. At one point I moved 250 miles away from her as I couldn't cope with her and the way she treated me.

[Olives106]

Yes, mine adores children under 5. Presumably because they don't answer back and give affection easily.

She loves reading children's books and has pictures aimed at children all over the house and asks for Miffy books and paraphernalia for presents. It took me a while to work out she's emotionally about 5 herself.

[afferal]

**BodsAuntieFlo that was said to me a few times too..infact it was one of the last things she said to me before I went NC, that I should bow down and be eternally grateful to her for not aborting me as she didn't want me anyway. Along with she only kept me to get a council house!! Classy! x

[NapoleonsNose]

I'm in unfortunately too. Its only recently that I've realised that my mother is a narcissist. Everything is always about her. She constantly talks about how everyone - friends, work colleagues etc - thinks she is fantastic, that she copes so well on her own, is always so happy when the reality is she's a chronic hoarder, whose house looks like a shit hole, is rude to people, has a sense of entitlement that is frankly astounding, and has run up enormous debts spending money she doesn't have. She also has mental health issues. I'm tired of picking up the pieces but cannot go NC.

[afferal]

I definitely don't love her..tbh I don't ever think I have even from a young age.
I had 2 siblings who she give up custody to their dads/dads families (we all had different dad's) she kept me I was 7 when this happened, she spent from then till I left home at 18 telling me she had to keep me cos no one else wanted me and never would.
I'm 42 now and still feel/fear being unwanted. Sad really x

[BodsAuntieFlo]

Afferal my mum made it very clear from I was very young I should consider myself lucky. It's awful isn't it?

My 2 siblings on the other hand were the wanted children and she often referred to her "2 daughters" When I think back to how I was treated I often wonder how others didn't see it. I was glad to get away at 18 but that was another failing on my part - I fell pregnant. According to my mother I was a "waste of space". Oddly enough when I went to on have 4 more children, DH graduated as a vet and I as a teacher she was "so proud" of me. I have no guilt in saying I hated her in the end. I spent years in counselling unpicking all the things she said and done to me over the years. I never cried when I'd heard she'd died, I never went to her funeral, I simply didn't care by that point. She'd killed any love I had for her as an innocent child.

[Lulioli]

I m in too. My heart goes out to all the pp on this thread. We all deserved a loving mother. Mine is a ghastly woman... But only to me. She adores her first born, my older sister by fifteen years. She loves her unconditionally. It's fascinating/painful to watch. My mum is so rude and spiteful. She never says sorry. She hates me and it exudes from every pore. I ve had years of therapy but still feel so alone and so rejected. Unfortunately I have chosen many boyfriends over the years that have taken her place and replicated her behaviour. My ex husband particularly. I have three littl children and am terrified that I will become her. Friends tell me that's am a different person and far too kind and reflective. But I m not so sure.....

[afferal]

Bods I too left at 18 and fell pregnant. I was threatened that if she saw me she would kick me in the stomach till I lost the baby. I believed her 100% :(
According to her I was a waste of space daughter and would be a waste of space mother too.
Unfortunately I'm not anything as good as a teacher (failed school and most of collage) but I'm a much better wife and mother than she could ever be and although it took me a long time to realise..i'm not the waste of space,she is!!
I don't know how id feel if she died..I saw her last year ,she didn't see me but she looked so old and small and much to my disgust I felt sorry for her and guilty.I will never have anything to do with her again though no matter how feel. x

[Sighsofthetimes]

I'm in the same boat as JT05, lljkk, Noncomittal and BodsAuntieFlo

My mother died eight years ago. I now know she was a classic Narc.
I am an only child and was never good enough, though her younger sister said she was so proud of me and my achievements.

Really? Why didn't she ever tell me then? Why did she instead tell me, a year before she died, that she resented me because I had come between her and my Dad when I was born?

How dare any mother ever, ever say that to her child!! I told her so, too.
Not that it made any difference to her sarky, snide ways.

And no, I didn't go NC with her, though I was sorely tempted, because by then she was a bitter, old widow.

I was with her when she died of a massive stroke.
Did I mourn? No. Do I miss her? No. It was a relief.

That seems harsh, doesn't it? But it's the truth.

The best thing anyone has ever said to me, is that I'm a good mother to my two DC. Goodness know how, it wasn't from having a good role model, was it.

[lljkk]

I badly wanted my first child to be a boy, because I didn't know what kind of mother I'd be to a girl. I was scared of being like my mom was to me (very emotionally needy).

[contrary13]

I'm in, too.

In the long term... oh, where to start?! She told me when I was maybe 5 or 6 that - in NI - she'd taken tablets "to get rid of" me. She broke my nose when I was... a year old-ish. She told me, in graphic detail, when I was 4 that my father had had an affair with a colleague and that "the only reason [she] went back" was because of [me]". She hit me in the face with a shoe when I was 13, then lied about the black eye when my grandmother questioned her about it. When I was being sexually abused (by a family member as a 7 year old) and badly bullied as a 14 year old... she told me it was my fault. She didn't notice for 7 months when I moved out, aged 15, but then, she didn't notice that I had an eating disorder from the time I was a year old until my DS was about 2, either... When my daughter was born, we were living with her again, and she dragged me to a solicitors 5 days post-partum (with a child who'd effectively died in my arms 2 days prior) in an attempt to get parental responsibility for my daughter (the solicitor took one look at me, one look at her, and said "no"... but she's never actually forgiven me for that!). She took it upon herself to choose my daughter's first school, which was 3 miles from our home but 2 minutes walk from hers, whilst I was at university an hour's drive away - then cancelled her nursery place (I honestly think that this was her attempt to get me to quit uni... which I didn't do. I simply... juggled and ended up owing my daughter's godparents a lot of favours!). She still undermines me when it comes to my daughter, 20 years later.

When I told her that I was pregnant with my DS (11), she said "I didn't even know you were still having sex!"... I was 28 years old and I'd been with my ex-P since we were 14, on and off, by that point. She then insisted on having a "chat" with said ex-P... during which she got her knickers in a knot because he wouldn't allow her to bully him into allowing her to do whatever she wanted. Prior to this "chat", when I lost my DS' twin in the first trimester, she said "oh, that's how all my miscarriages started..." - and took my daughter away for 3 days, over the Easter weekend, leaving me completely alone and bedridden... because my ex was at a wedding and I was too terrified to move in case I lost my DS, too. She bullied me into having her in the delivery room, then mocked me in front of the midwives (who were all great). She bullied me about picking my DS up every time he cried. She bullied me about wanting to breastfeed... because she "couldn't". She bullied me about "allowing" a relationship between my DS and his paternal family when we broke up 18 months later.

She bullied me a week and a day ago when my daughter left me for dead, and I refused to have her back in the house... because apparently that makes me a bad mother!!!

15 years ago, when my step-grandparent died and we'd arrived for the funeral, she attempted to bully my grieving Gran into going and buying her the milk she wanted... and then couldn't understand why everyone was looking at her as though she were insane (I can still see/hear her clapping her hands in an "oh, well, this won't do... where's the milk for my tea?!" sort of way).

When my dog was put to sleep when I was 18, she muscled her way on in to her head, and I was left by the tail (my father was there, too) watching my childhood friend trying, desperately, to get to me... this, after she'd taken said dog to the RSPCA because she was "too dirty" in an effort to get rid of her as a pup... and spending the next 15 years moaning about how my dog "looked at [her] funny!".

She doesn't like the fact that I won't allow her to turn up on my doorstep as and when it suits her. She doesn't like the fact that I won't have anything to do with her mother (who is worse than she is). She doesn't like the fact that I have 'A'-levels, let alone a PhD... because she dropped out during her 'A'-levels and no one is allowed to be above her in any way, shape, or form. She doesn't like the fact that I wouldn't let her convince my daughter to drop out of college on a whim. She doesn't like the fact that I encouraged my daughter to go to uni ("it's only an art school..." apparently). She doesn't like the fact that I am my daughter's next-of-kin, not her. She doesn't like the fact that my son has her measure. She doesn't like the fact that I won't have anything to do with her Golden Child son, who tried to kill me when I was 5 and he was 15... but that I have a close relationship with the other scapegoat in the family. She doesn't like the fact that my children have another set of grandparents, full stop. She hates that I had a close relationship with her father and my father's parents.

She loathes that I'm more maternal than she's ever been (although that wouldn't be hard...). That was her big sneer until my DS was about 2 years old. "Oh, you're too maternal...". Uh-huh. Apparently not ignoring him every time he cried/cuddling him/interacting with him... was being too maternal. She doesn't like the fact that I have a close relationship with my father's family, but not with hers...

Oh, and she hates that I have no problem in cutting people out of my life if they're toxic.

[contrary13]

And wow... but that was cathartic!

[Bloopbleep]

I'm guessing karma doesn't want me posting my story as it wouldn't let me. My mother is a narcissist disappointed with the daughter she got. She minimises contact with me because I'm not who she wanted me to be. She loves my daughter because she's the daughter she never had, the NT daughter she wanted. It hurts knowing now how much my mother disliked me growing up when all I ever did was love her and want to please her.