Can we have a thread for those of us who are daughters with difficult mothers?

[PinkyofPie]

Been thinking about starting this thread for a while.

My mother is a difficult and sometimes toxic woman and we have a strained relationship.

I think IRL there's not enough people around like me, all my friends are best friends with their mums. My mum recently moved back to the area and all I get is "oh I bet you're so happy". Actually, no, her being closer is awful if I'm honest.

There's so much to my relationship with her, too much for an OP.

A huge bone of contention is that she knows about a family member sexually harassing me quite badly through my teens (I've posted details in another name). I'm talking flashing, suggestive language and grabbing me now and again when no one was looking. I have told her the details. This person is still very much in her life, she bigs him up to anyone who listens and can't understand why I despise him and won't be near him. She minimised his behaviour massively and We Don't Talk About It.

She also made comments along the lines of "well did you lead him on?" yes mum, I was 16 and he was 55, I was gagging for it with a relative.

being in her presence is very tiring. She has no friends so I feel pressured to see her now she's back near me. I met her today, and I am drained. I always feel like I've done something wrong, she's in a constant mood. Everything is crap, she hates any food we eat, complains about people nearby and won't look for the good in anything. Where she lived before was so much better apparently. Spending just a few hours round that negativity is exhausting.

The funny thing is she makes out to others like we extremely close. A daughter of her friend - who I had just met that night - once said to me "I'm so jealous about the bond you and your mum have"

Anyway I know MN has lots of people who feel the same so thought I would start by having a place for us long suffering daughters to share, moan, vent and generally get everything out into the open!

[Farfromtheusual]

I'm in too.

In comparison, she's not as bad as some of the pp's mothers but she's a passive aggressive narc, who is miserable, self pittying and the biggest emotional drain I have ever known.. Not going to go into any detail as I'd be here all day trying to explain what she is like and I would be late for lunch with her... Thank god my sister is coming to keep her in line!

[Ariandenotgrande]

I have noticed lying seems a current theme, no matter what the differences in upbringing/nuances of behaviour.
My mother was and still does tell lies on an epic level and is deceitful. In the old days it would be called shit stirring. She causes arguments between family members and does it so cunningly that it takes months to unravel and realise she cooked the whole thing up. She enjoys playing with people's emotions. I can avoid this happening anymore by not believing anything she says and not engaging with nasty or bitchy talk.
I think she's a raging sociopath unfortunately. I would love to have had a supportive mother, like other posters I'm so jealous of women who have 'normal' mums who are encouraging and supportive, it would be amazing !

[RainIsAGoodThing]

MrsSchadenfreude, my brother's partner is 'the daughter she's always wanted'. Hurts doesn't it.

[Hope34]

Ariande, yes that sound familiar and I too envy others relationships and support they get. I agree, I in the past stayed well away form the bitchy gossipy talk, its so toxic and energy draining.

As a result i believe people like us tend to be more positive and driven to get away form this. I don't want me children learning that toxic behaviour.

[bananamilkshake1]

I'm in too - heaven't spoken since August last year & just the thought of getting back in touch with her (obligation) makes me anxious..

[chopchopchop]

I'm in. She left me with a feeling that I will never be loved or likeable. She died last year, but that doesn't make it any better.

ThePiano I could have written your post word for word, except I did the therapy a while back and it cured me enough to hold down a relationship with a lovely man, now DH. It really can make a huge difference.

[Tiggywinkler]

Oh that line above, about being loved but not liked - that's my childhood right there.

It hadn't occurred to me before quite how damaging that sentence is.

[OhHolyFuck]

I'm in too, not in a place to write much atm but been no contact for 2 years and I feel much better for it
No waiting for my phone to go at 3am with streams of messages of pure fantasy and vitrol or treading on damn eggshells because anything I might say or do would be used against me for years to come

[afferal]

Dickachu I'm sure your mum is my mums sister they sound so alike!! :(

I haven't spoken to mine for 9 years now but she recently sent me a friend's request on fb which has shook me a bit and opened a lot of feelings and emotions I thought were gone. I've blocked her but since discovered she keeps opening new accounts each time I block her.

She is a horrible lying, in denial, alcoholic narc who was physically, mentally and emotionally abusive to me, would take me at least a week to type out the stuff she's done!! :( big hugs to all the posters xx

[princessmi12]

I'm in too.
My mother lives abroad and I keep minimum phone contact ,just to let her know we're ok and alive.
After not seeing her for view years I mistakenly thought it would be good idea to invite her round. We just bought a nice biggish house and she never met my new DP so thought it's time for her to come over.
Halfway through her 3 months visit she managed to create enough tention to the point DP left and we broke up.
She constantly undermined him, hated the fact he has dcs and they been staying weekends with us. She been calling his dcs horrible names in one to one with me but hypocritical enough to pretend she likes them by giving cuddles and kisses when they were leaving after the visits.
She would constantly remind me I'm a mug by providing food for them while in my house. She had issues with DP apparently not contributing enough for food and drink but I kept telling her he transfers money into my bank account .she didn't seem to grasp the idea that his transfers were covering expenses for everyone, including her.
She thrives on drama, lies, spread rumours to friends and family then denies she ever said any of these things when I hear from 3d party.
To make story short, me and DP made up straight after she went home and actually stronger as a couple now.
I rarely communicate with her over the phone but even last time I spoke with her, she tried to stir trouble by accusing my DP of braking new bed (that came flatpacked while she was at ours) while trying to assemble it.
One of the bed parts was actually faulty and replaced straight away with no cost, the bed was assembled by DP and story forgotten.
6 months after that event she tried to accuse him of breaking bed parts while taking them upstairs and being weak.She even commented on him being out of breath!
Really don't want to speak to her again but will have to as will be accused of being cruel and selfish, if won't call her. And she will bombard me with calls herself

[Just5minswithDacre]

Oh that line above, about being loved but not liked - that's my childhood right there.

It hadn't occurred to me before quite how damaging that sentence is. 

Awful, damaging thing to say to a child/anyone, isn't it?

[SylviaFuckingPlath]

Oh that line above, about being loved but not liked - that's my childhood right there.

Mine too - and what the poster said about her therapy revealing that this illustrates that her mother's love was not unconditional. Wow, that's like a klaxon going off for me.

Any of you seen The Sopranos? I've been watching the box-set and it's been illuminating! The mother reminds me so much of my mother and she's a diagnosed narc. I know it's fiction but they based it on something, and it's the nearest portrayal of a mother to mine that I've ever seen!

[guiltynotguilty]

I'll join.

I posted on here (using a different name) about my mum when I was pregnant and worried sick about how I was going to cope with her bullshit once DS was here (only grandchild).

I received some fabulous advice and for the past 14 months have been managing to keep contact and interactions to a minimum and always on my terms. I thought I was doing so well.

Then, last week, she managed to completely derail me with one simple text message. On the surface, what she was asking for seems fairly minor and I'm sure that without knowing the backstory, most people would say I am being unreasonably cruel to her by refusing but I was in ruins for 3 days.

I've stuck to my guns, held my ground and said no but now I'm really struggling to fight the urge to give in to the guilt and back down.

I don't really want to give more details because the situation is very recognisable and on the off chance that she is on here I don't want her to find out the exact details of my feelings about her via an internet forum.

[guiltynotguilty]

being loved but not liked

This pretty much sums up how I feel about my mother. Horrible, I know, but there it is

[Mitfordhons]

Me too.

I was largely neglected as a child by mine after she and my father divorced, he disappeared and I was the oldest of three, well behaved, sensible, responsible and left to get on with my life without any support. Her line is 'I was a terrible mum, but now I'm a fabulous nanny' so flippant and that's my childhood brushed off. I see a therapist now, I spend most sessions in a lot of pain and wonder how this is going to help. I was a child for five years only.

[ThePianoHasBeenDrinking]

chopchopchop That's good to hear. I'm hoping that it will have a similar outcome for me!

Oh that line above, about being loved but not liked Yes, when I was at primary school that's the one I used to get, "Piano, I love you because you're my daughter and I can't help it, but I don't like you."

By the time I was a teenager I wasn't even getting that and in my 30s she finally admitted to my brother that she didn't love me and never had done. I'm crying again now just typing that and it doesn't bother me too much now on a daily basis.

But I do remember being in my first year at secondary school, so 11/12, and sitting on the wall outside the local shop after school saying to my then best friend, "If my own parents don't love me and they're supposed to not be able to help it, how is anyone else ever going to?"

And it became a self fulfilling prophecy as no one ever has.

Last week, a man I have known for a few years and been in love with for nearly as long told me that he "really likes" me and has done for over a year. All the signs were there, but I couldn't believe or trust them, even though other people could see and were telling me. He told me last Thursday. We can't be together. I'm not ready. I'm a whole load of therapy and about a year away from being ready to even consider it, if at all. He doesn't know the details.

We've agreed to just be friends and see what happens. I saw him over the weekend with mutual friends. I wasn't well on the Sunday and wasn't 'quite myself'. It's now Wednesday and I'm convinced he's realised he's seen The Real Me and no longer feels that way about me. Sad thing is, I'm just waiting for him to confirm it and tell me this. I'm not sad about it, I'm just unsettled until I hear that. It's a kind of resignation. I'm waiting for it.

My heart breaks for that girl sitting on the wall and the woman she has become.

[Olives106]

Mine's a vicious horrible person. I'm not feeling up to writing any more than that. I totally know that feeling of just wanting a normal supportive mum, and the judgement from other people who assume you "must" love her or there's something wrong with you.

I've been having therapy for a few months, initially to deal with a problem that arose at work. I've been finding it very helpful. Then two days ago I finally got round to telling him in some depth about my mother and some of the things she's done, and I felt really brushed off by him. I said, "I find it really hard when people say but I'm sure she loves you really", an pad he said, "but I'm sure she does".

I left feeling really confused and not listened to, which given my background really hurts. Am going to try and talk about it with him in our next session next week but am currently having all the old doubts, ordering if it is me, not her :(

[Just5minswithDacre]

. I said, "I find it really hard when people say but I'm sure she loves you really", an pad he said, "but I'm sure she does".

Change therapists.

The general societal assumption that everyone has a loving and kindly mother can be horrible.

[NoncommittalToSparkleMotion]

Sadly, I must join too.

The emotional and mental damage my mother has caused me over the years has taken a brutal toll on me, and sometimes I feel like I'm permanently broken.

The whole "FOG" is actually my life. I wake up every day expecting something to go wrong because her own neuroses and anxiety is so ingrained in my thinking and feeling.

She looks at me, my sister, and my DD as possessions. We "belong" to her and exist to make her happy, so we have to do whatever she says. Life is hard for her, because, yknow, we're human.

We had an actual argument once about how we aren't reflections of her and we're our own separate people. It ended in yelling and storming out.

She's sabotaged many of mine and my sister's romantic relationships because "they weren't good enough for her." This has caused further pain.

She's in a relationship with my uncle (my dad's brother) and cannot see the problem with this. The way she rewrites history is amazing. Scary.

to all.

[piglover]

And another one. Poor thing, she has bad depression and anxiety and lives by herself (I am an only child and ran away to work abroad) but she is HARD WORK too much of the time. I envy my partner whose mother does nice things for her and helps her out, whereas I always have to do all the helping all the time.

[Badders123]

Oh god
Yes

Since my dad died it's been horrendous
I'm the one of my siblings who works the least hours (my dh works away a lot and I have young DC) so I feel bad if I don't pop in every day
my siblings who live closer to her so not seem to feel this same guilt!
My sister works pt too but only For the past year but she likes to play "who's got the hardest life" top trumps and I'm not interested
She only sees my brother the golden child when she looks after my niece
I dont like her
That's the truth
And it makes me sad

[SandyPantz]

My mum takes the telling people we're close thing to another batshit level

She tells people that we're close AND that they should check with her before "bothering" us

People believe her, we are NOT close, but she has people thinking they're in touch with us through her and they're not

[UptownFlunk]

Eleven years no contact here, best decision I ever made - despite the fact she manipulated most of the rest of her side of the family not to speak to me as a result - it will never be reversed. I realised a few years ago that if I was told she was dead all I'd feel was relief - I think that says everything really.

On the positive side, I moved on long ago and have a lovely life. I have had a few mother figures who've 'adopted' me and cared for me in the way a mother should and I've been married to a fantastic man for nearly twenty years now so I've been very lucky.

[Badders123]

I recommend reading toxic parents by Susan forward
Really helped me after an awful Xmas one year
My mum does the whole
"I don't remember" thing
Or the
"I did my best" thing
Sadly her best was shit

[NoncommittalToSparkleMotion]

"I did my best" is going on my mother's tombstone (she has requested it).

She was a young single mother. I empathize. But she had a chip on her shoulder and made it "us against the world" and we were hurt in the process.

The only people we were allowed to be around were people she could get something from. Money, mainly.

It's been a hard day. Sorry..