Thread for those who swing widely between wanting to leave and wanting to stay

[FranGoldsmith]

Is anyone else like this?

Sometimes I feel like I'm going mad. We are both age 42, no children, two dogs.

Ours is a sexless marriage. It wasn't at first - we couldn't get enough of each other - but the last time we had sex was February. The time before that was August 2014. Before that, June 2013. Apart from the self-esteem erosion it causes when your husband doesn't fancy you, I'm not that bothered. It's always over in seconds, it's never good for me. I still have a decent libido though. He doesn't.

He has all the traits of passive-aggressive personality disorder and all the traits of obsessive compulsive personality disorder (OCPD: a different disorder to OCD). Sometimes I could scream, he's such a frustrating man to live with. Of course he doesn't accept he may have any kind of disorder. He is perfect, normal, and is right all the time, and I am unreasonable and emotional.

But he's also great company. We're very comfortable together. We like the same things, laugh together, enjoy each other's company (mostly). We like holidays, eating out, going to the cinema, walking the dogs. He adores our dogs. He brings me flowers home from work. He looked after me when I was ill. He works very hard and he's not a lazy man.

More and more I think, this marriage is no good. It's got no emotional depth; it's superficial; we're just friends sharing a house. He shuts down any conversation about anything meaningful, anything about our relationship, but he will talk endlessly about jobs on the house, his work, himself.

I've decided several times I'm going to leave. But then I miss him when he works away, or we laugh together at something, and I change my mind.

Anyone else going through anything similar?

[FranGoldsmith]

MummyB, sorry to hear you've had such a rotten night. Are you ok? I'm concerned to hear that your husband uses your teenager children to back him up - you must feel very cornered.

[svenwhen]

Frans, mine does that too! Once I found my dress which had been on the clothes line ,lying on the ground after he had been just in the garden. Other occasions my coat thrown on floor or my good black pumps squashed like someone had stood with a heavy boot on them.
He also and I've said it to him on various occasions,if I'm so tired I'm falling asleep on the sofa and we were watching TV in the evening, he'll make me feel so guilty saying Don't you want to spend time with me? Or once as I left the room I heard a bang behind me ,I turned round and he had hit the coffee table and knocked my bag off it, I asked him innocently what had happened but I knew he was mad because I was tired (small kids I'm up everynight at least twice with them) he said oh I pushed it a little and it just fell off.

[svenwhen]

Deleted some words by mistake, it was ment to say
He also ,and I've said it to him on occasions not to do this as it makes me feel bad, throw his eyes up to heaven sighing or else say Don't you want to spend time with me?

[gingerbreadmanm]

oh gosh daily! sometimes hourly.

i love dp and i think he loves me but we dont get on much. he's not a very nice person at times and very selfish.

we have been through something terrible together though that bonds us even though at times i think he doesnt even understan and it was in the last year. i dont know if it's that that makes me feel like i do right now.

i used to think it was us against the world but ive always been optimistic.

truth is, if i posted half of what he did on here it would be LTB galore but something is still keeping me here.

[FranGoldsmith]

Sorry it's been a few days since I posted. Being on here, reading about other people's experiences, was making me feel worse. I could never articulate why I felt like things weren't good with my husband, but having lurked on Relationships for a while, I've started learning about passive-aggressiveness, emotional abuse, learned behaviour, and so on.

Before I found mumsnet, I thought this was fixable. I bought into his reasonable and calm attitude. But I'm more and more thinking it's not fixable. He's impossible to talk to. He will never ever admit I might have a point. He minimises (there's another term I learnt here) my concerns. He makes himself seem totally rational and reasonable, so I'm left wondering what my problem was in the first place.

It's depressing. I'm feeling very low at the moment. 20 years I've spent with him. If I tell him I want to separate, there's nothing tangible to tell him about why I want to leave. He'll make me seem silly and emotional.

I don't even know if I want to separate anyway. I'm getting on my own nerves. Maybe I'll just hang out on Relationships for a while, get my head in order. I have started thinking about the practicalities of leaving - housing, money and so on. That's a start.

[MummyBtothree]

to everyone. Apologies if I too seemed to go quiet. Talking about it and reading through everyone else's stories was making me feel even more down. Im on antidepressants and trying my best to pick my mood up a bit. Finding Mumsnet was excellent for me as I don't have any family/friends to talk to about all my crap but sometimes talking about it has the opposite effect and drags me down.

[FranGoldsmith]

Oh MummyB, you too :-( I know exactly what you mean. Mumsnet seems to get right to the root of the problem and opens your eyes, and it's wonderfully supportive. But it's also really bloody depressing to realise this relates to your own very real life.

[Peonylass]

Me too. Want to leave him at the moment, was very frank about being unhappy and he is making some practical efforts. We do have sex though he struggles with this. His libido is much lower than mine and there were many sexless years. He is adamant that we ought to stay together for the kids.

But he still doesn't meet me halfway. He's still passive aggressive. I still carry him though I am working to disengage. The thing I miss most is conversation. He's not a talker any more and I love ideas, banter.

I have asked him to think about what he wants in life. First time he said fancy car and holidays. The second time he talked about needing more comfortable chairs. Left to his own devices he plays with his phone and watches tv. He's no career aspirations.

What do I want in life? An interesting career, well balanced kids, travel, experiences, cuddles, spiritual growth, friends. To jump from high places, to make a difference. I just don't think we are matched at all and sticking with it feels like having to get into a box

[adora1]

I think if you feel dissatisfied and unhappy but have some good times it's really not enough, you are just accepting the crap along with the good, there should not be crap like this in a relationship and personally no way I would accept a sexless relationship - you've got years of this ahead, I'd rather do something about it than carry on pretending the shit doesn't matter, it does, you only get one kick at the ball, you can have all the good stuff without the crap with someone who makes you happy and content.

Just sounds like you are all selling yourselves short to keep the status quo.

[adora1]

He is adamant that we ought to stay together for the kids.

So not for the love and adoration for each other - you should never stay together for the kids, that just highlights what's missing.

[apintofharpandapacketofdates]

Thread for those who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL, just unsatisfying (pt. II)
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2667694-Thread-for-those-who-have-left-marriages-that-werent-AWFUL-just-unsatisfying-pt-II

For additional reference, should it help

[apintofharpandapacketofdates]

Hi all.

I recognise so much of myself in what you're saying.
I'm almost 1 year on and can honestly say it's better now. ExDH and I get on better than we ever did.

We never had sex
He was v v PA
I spent years in counselling/therapy-type situations
He is a woefully inadequate communicator
He's a bully
He's a misogynist

They're his issues now. No longer mine. I'm not perfect, far from it. However I have had enough of trying to be something he wanted. He was so disingenuous about most things; I'd never have been good enough.

Fuck that. Yes these threads are bloody depressing reading, they strike a chord for a lot of us. I recognise that pain; the aching heart, the melancholy.

Sending strength for whatever you decide....