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Thread for those who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL, just unsatisfying (pt. II)

(383 Posts)
All0vertheplace Wed 22-Jun-16 09:11:45

The last thread reached 1,000 posts (!) so here's where we can keep the discussion going. Cake and flowers to all.

SauvignonPlonker Wed 22-Jun-16 10:26:41

Thanks for starting another allover - how are things with you?

All0vertheplace Wed 22-Jun-16 10:44:17

Oh, so-so. Looking forward to having my first week with the kids staying at mine. About to start counselling just for my own personal sanity/calm. Still very anxious about the financial/legal side of things. I have never been good at that stuff, and this whole situation seems to be NOTHING BUT that stuff. Ditto confrontation.

Josian Wed 22-Jun-16 11:48:11

I'm glad this is continuing. I'm just getting started on this road, practically speaking, and I was really hoping the thread would stick around.

All0ver, you sound sad and resigned at the moment. Hang in there, it will get easier. cake brew

I'll be having the Conversation sometime this weekend. I've started looking at rentals, and it doesn't feel right to be doing it in secret. It's not like I'm fleeing an abusive husband; I'm just moving on from someone who hasn't made me happy for a long time.

I've already started running into unexpected little hiccups while quietly sorting belongings out. My wedding dress, for example - I kept it thinking that one day one of my daughters would like it, but when I saw it in the cupboard the other day I had to restrain myself from taking it to the charity shop. I don't know whether to keep it or not. How often do daughters really want their mother's wedding dresses? And our wedding photos - I don't want them but feel like giving them to him if he hasn't asked for them could be seen as spiteful and petty.

Some time in the next couple of weeks we'll need to tell the children. Not something I'm looking forward to. I just hope that he keeps his calm through this and realises that he still needs to be a parent regardless of how he's feeling towards me.

All0vertheplace Wed 22-Jun-16 13:48:31

Hi Josian, and welcome aboard this weird boat of swirly panic and occasional flashes of hope.

I do feel a little sad, but I think that will change tomorrow when I start my first week of having the kids staying with me. They haven't been over yet for more than a few mins (just to check out their rooms) and so the whole thing has felt a bit like being in exile. Lonely. Weird. That should all change when they're with me. <crosses fingers>

Just had my first counselling session (laid on by work). It went well. I like my guy. I basically just talked solidly for an hour without taking a breath. No idea what he made of it all, but he did spot that I have a very quick/busy brain and he advised me to Slow Down. Also recommended the Headspace app. Anyone a fan?

IronNeonClasp Wed 22-Jun-16 17:21:05

Ooh spangly new thread smile
<Waves to everyone>

IronNeonClasp Wed 22-Jun-16 20:25:14

Wonderful DH has just announced his intentions. He's giving up booze and weed. All in one pop. Brilliant.

Been here when I was pregnant, when I had a baby and toddler.

Sounds great verbally but the reality will be this weekend when he realises he hates me. And there is nothing left. Wish me luck! hmm

Shodan Wed 22-Jun-16 20:55:11

Hi everyone. I lost the other thread somewhere- I haven't posted for a while because I'm getting tenser and tenser the longer this goes on.

We're still in limbo- H is still here. He's going to move in with his parents apparently, but we have been delaying telling ds2 until after this weekend (we're both at separate camping things). After we've told ds2, I'm going to make every effort to move things along quickly, because I think more delaying is only going to damage any future relationship we might have.

Dad/Husband Of The Year has disappeared, predictably. Back to the normal way of things, now he's realised that his 'lightbulb moment' means nothing to me.

Good luck IronNeonClasp- I hope the weekend isn't too awful for you.

shandybass Wed 22-Jun-16 22:57:00

Oh dear Iron, upyergansey I'm so peed off its also financially hugely difficult for me. I don't work full time but if I did i wouldn't see much of the kids and they certainly couldn't do all they do now.
I feel so trapped although poverty is preferable to the current atmosphere. Even the kids have said independently of any conversation we can have a Mammy and a Daddy house.
If only.
Do others dread occasions that mark time. It makes me remember, like last birthday I vowed I would have left by this birthday and here I still am. Hugs to all, you are a big help.
This was the post I did on the old thread. Hi to Allover I'm sure it will be better with the kids.
HiJosian. You sound like you've git things sorted in your head anyway. Good luck. Show us how it's done.
I know i would stress over little things line wedding photos and toys though I now dh has never looked at them.

UpYerGansey Thu 23-Jun-16 09:18:03

I'm just one little lottery win away from happiness 🙁

I'd buy a house down the street, and be happy as a clam

hermionesheldonawinchester Thu 23-Jun-16 10:40:19

Iron Sorry to hear about the crash, I hope you are feeling ok now. The arguments are utterly rubbish aren't they? For me, it's the only time I get to reallt say what I mean (I'm never horrible with words like he is) but he deflects so well that after I am left feeling as though everything is my fault and maybe if I shut up and put up with it, I would stop making everyone else miserable. Hence I haven't posted in a while.
Shandy or was it Stealth no good with names, sorry I could have written your list, with the exception he did give up drinking, just exchanged it for smoking cannabis, which I hate just as much sad (Apparently he needs something to "help")
So it's been a week where we pretend everything is ok and he is genuinely on happy mode because he thinks I have magically solved my unhappiness. Really, I'm just job searching to reclaim independence. Visiting a prospective nursery next week, and the thought excites and terrifies me in equal measure.
Strength to everyone still plodding and to those making their new way in the world.
All0ver I am glad you managed to have a good Father's Day, I'm sure as the dust settles and the new situation becomes more familiar you'll be able to enjoy life again.
^I attempted to post this after catching up on the old thread, so I'll add to it now I have actually caught up blush

Iron Good luck this weekend, has he organised any counselling/therapy for his giving up or is he going solo? There is a great group called SMART recovery that I pleaded for him to go to without success that tackle addiction across the board. It's more grounded in science than religion like AA.
UpYer Me too, my chances of winning would probably increase if I remembered to pick up a ticket!

InstinctivelyITry Thu 23-Jun-16 21:14:38

Didn't see new thread......

I've just gone & lost my job. Just to add to the uselessness I am feeling. Didn't particularly like the job but it paid the bills. I just don't know how best to move on.
I've never looked worse, my skin around the eyes is grey & droopy, almost overnight. The physical & emotional discomfort I experience are making me look & feel worse.

I'm stuck

FantasyFanGirl Thu 23-Jun-16 23:14:14

Instinctively, flowers to you, I hope you are OK. I dread not having a job, I hope you can find something else soon.

Iron, good luck this w/e.

Hermione, I am in the same situation as well, he thinks everything is fine and is being very happy and affectionate. It just pisses me off that we haven't actually talked about any of our problems so I'm not happy and just end up feeling like I'm a stroppy bitch because I'm struggling to pretend to be happy. At the same time I'm too lazy to do anything about it, it's just easier to not argue and to just act civil. However, now that he thinks everything is fine, he expects sex and gets grumpy when I'm not up for it. Anyway, good luck with regaining independence and moving on...?

apintofharpandapacketofdates Sun 26-Jun-16 17:27:18

How is everyone? I'm a poster on this thread but have name changed due to brain fog & mixing up passwords etc etc.

Good days or bad days? Mine mostly ok.... Distracted about my work situation and how I'm going to manage confused

shandybass Mon 27-Jun-16 09:48:54

Hi all. Apintof hope you're ok it's crap trying to find work when you're feeling down, but you're right just concentrate on that for now and once you're sorted work wise you can look elsewhere.
Fantasy I have been where you are for years. Thinking oh it's ok and carrying on then having a wobbly, it's not laziness it's just really difficult on a lot of levels to make that decision esp alone, hence this thread.
For myself I reached the end of my tether again this weekend. I was laid up ill and dh was not crap but made me feel crap, like I was making it up but still had time for my friends and generally moped and sulked about everything but didn't actually say anything until I brought it up and then started hurling accusations at me, that I don't listen to him and that his company isn't good enough. I told him I had had enough and he said him to with the way I was treating him?!
Since then he's changed last night and was a bit softer and kinder but it's really hard. I don't want to live like this and get he's not out and out abusive. Well he is. but not that anyone on the outside would believe or he himself.
We're having couples counselling again, it was a disaster last time, but I'm going to try and explain this time why I've had enough.
The only problem is I don't have an exit plan, affordable rentals are few and far between here and I'm not going to have the means to buy.

FantasyFanGirl Mon 27-Jun-16 18:40:43

Shandy, hope you're feeling better! I know what you mean about renting, I would want to be able to rent somewhere big enough to at leat have the kids come and stay and I just couldn't afford it. Also I guess if I left the kids with him, I'd end up giving him money for food etc. for the children. So financially I feel trapped. Still, we had a good weekend (I was out a lot!) and I feel a bit better about everything this week.

Even though I saw a good friend, I don't feel like I can talk about any of our issues in person because I have to keep up the pretence and because people generally like him. It would be nice to know that I would have real world support, but I don't know how that would work out...

StayOrGo2016 Mon 27-Jun-16 18:53:48

Hey everyone, hope it's ok to join in here. I posted a thread earlier today, but really, I think this is the place I need to be.

As the title says, my marriage isn't awful, it's just doesn't satisfy me. Together 10 years, married 5 with an almost 3 year old son.

Our sex life is non-existant and has been for years. It was never anything great to begin with actually, but now it's a distant memory. I told him I wanted to separate before Christmas last year and we now have separate bedrooms but continue to live together, although he is supposed to be moving out as soon as he can find somewhere suitable.

He is a good man. He has never done anything that could be considered romotely abusive towards me. He is kind, supportive and a wonderful father. I just don't feel any attraction towards him. I'm not sure if I ever did actually. That's an awful thing to admit, but I need to start being honest with myself.

Last week he told me that he does not want us to split up. He wants to work harder at making it work. I couldn't feel more crap about myself and what I'm putting him through if I tried. I really hate this.

But what is the alternative? Another 30/40 years with a man who, while I love like a friend/brother, I have grown apart from? A man that I have very little in common with and that I can't ever see myself fancying again. I really wish I could. I wish I could press a button and want him the way a wife should want her husband.

Anyway, sorry to drone on in my first post. I'm just so glad I've found you all and I feel for each and every one of you. As I said in my other thread, I've had my heart stomped on and broken before, but I'd choose to be the dumpee over the dumper any day of the week. I feel awful for making him feel so sad. It's horrible.

Lostandlonely1979 Mon 27-Jun-16 19:06:04

StayorGo you're in exactly the same position as me, so sending flowers

Considering a breakup is always soul destroying but when you have nothing 'concrete' on which to hang your decision, that's a special strain of headf**k right there.

shandybass Tue 28-Jun-16 12:43:45

Hi
How's everyone feeling. End of June almost here and the long summer holidays. Do you look forward to them or dread the family time?

Lostandlonely1979 Tue 28-Jun-16 13:18:11

I'm dreading it a little, mainly because I have to keep a business ticking over while juggling the demands of... well, everyone! DH possibly taking the kids to visit his DPs for about a week and TBH that peace and quiet and reflection is what I'm looking forward to the most. And being able to watch/eat/drink/do whatever I want. Although I'll miss my kids like mad.

Lostandlonely1979 Tue 28-Jun-16 13:20:20

Although I'm really looking forward to not having to get them up and ready for school each morning!

apintofharpandapacketofdates Wed 29-Jun-16 13:44:51

I'm looking forward to being off over the summer. Catch up with myself & the kids, read some books, build up my activity levels etc.
It's been a monstrous year, on so so many levels; however for the first time in 15 years, I can say I am proud of myself. I can't believe how resilient I have been.
I guess it's part of the process ...

SauvignonPlonker Wed 29-Jun-16 15:50:13

Urgh! Feeling a bit crap here; I confided in a good friend yesterday about how bad things were & I was considering leaving. She was surprised, but pointed out that DP & I's communication is shit.

But if I come out with how I feel, it will be like opening Pandora's box & I don't think there will be any coming back from it. Can't leave for another couple of years.

Just feeling drained, sad & worn out.

shandybass Wed 29-Jun-16 22:36:07

Well I've gone and done it, but why does it feel like business as usual.
We had our counselling session where I listened and talked and said in the most plain and reasoned way why I thought there was no future for us and it was time to split. I was asked several times by the counsellor if there was anything dh could do and I said no based on his track record at not being able to listen or respond to my needs. The 3rd time I said it was enough as dh was pretty upset and I thought it was cruel.
I said to him after it wasn't going to happen overnight me moving out and he asked to try again, pleaded to. I repeated what I'd said but gave him no false assurances and he's now come home and is chatting pleasantly about the normal stuff.
I feel like I'm in a fog, the words are coming out, but noone's listening. Help. I can't just move out, it needs to be planned for where, the kids need an explanation and plan and I need finances.
Initially I felt relieved although scared and sad, now I'm completely deflated and feel broken.

IronNeonClasp Thu 30-Jun-16 09:21:50

Hope you're ok Shandy.
Hello newbies and oldies. I've been trying to post an update but the app has been failing me. So not going to do a long ranty thing now.
I just seem to be analysing day to day. I really am confused and extremely lonely! I could have killed to have a friend and a chin-wag when I walked out of work yesterday - had a real intense day..
Anyway. Hope everyone is ok.
(Hi AllOver - are you ok?)

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