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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm not enough.. it's happening again..

37 replies

orangesoda · 08/08/2016 01:48

Really don't know where to start so it's all going to spill out. Dh has got friendly with a woman. He acts completely different when in front of her with dc's etc. Doing her favours, arranging trips for all of us together.
I have been telling him for the last few weeks that I am taking them to a particular place. Anyway today when I was at work he text me to tell me that this friend is taking the dc's somewhere with her dc's. I asked all day where and he kept saying he didn't know. Must have asked 5 times throughout the day up until I was leaving work. I com home to find that he has let her take them where I was planning to to take them next week. We were really looking forward to it.
He claims he didn't know I was taking them. He claims he really didn't know she was taking them there till the last minute.
He had an affair a couple of years ago. I thought I'd got past this loss of trust. But I haven't.

I feel now like I felt then when I suspected the affair.
He seems to have boundary issues with women. I think this stems from his excuse of a mother.
I feel useless, worthless and pushed aside. I feel like I am sharing my children.
Due to what happened in the past (an apparent one off) and how I feel now. I feel I am clearly not enough. Like when ever he strikes up a friendship with a woman I mean nothing.
I've been thinking of the logistics of leaving him the last few days and especially today as I am livid he obviously deceived me and went behind my back today the way he did. We have a mortgage and the dc's are still quite young. I'm financially dependant on him although I paid the hefty deposit on the house. It will be messy it won't be pleasant. It never is I know.
I don't know what to do. I'm so upset with the whole situation.

OP posts:
DietCockBreak · 08/08/2016 01:53

It's not you, it's him, it really is. See a solicitor and get some advice. In the meantime, is it worth telling him in no uncertain terms you want him to go no contact with this "friend"?

Isetan · 08/08/2016 04:26

Ahh, so his affair was an aberration, a never to be repeated mistake. Accept this behaviour proves it was probably the logical culmination to having his ego stroked.

Do you really want this to be the rest of your life, watching your H cultivate relationships with other woman and using your children as cover? Stop waiting for this man to treat you better and start treating yourself better because you don't have to accept this behaviour.

pallasathena · 08/08/2016 06:40

This should be a deal-breaker because he's showing you serious disrespect. His ego is out of control from what you say and speaking personally, I'd find it impossible to take him seriously after this. He's a bit of a plonker isn't he?
Is he insecure perhaps? or maybe narcissistic? Either way, I'd shrug my shoulders and tell him to go play puppy dogs somewhere else...permanently.

Shizzlestix · 08/08/2016 08:47

This would really hurt me. He obviously knew you were taking the DCs yourself or he would have told you where they were going. Did he let this woman take your DC and not go himself? This is long term lack of respect and it seems clear that he's trying to impress this other woman. Is this the woman he meets at the school run who loves round the corner and who is single?

If you're going to start getting your ducks in a row, get copies of bank statements including mortgage payments.

AnyFucker · 08/08/2016 08:51

Stop blaming yourself and stop blaming his mother. The fault is all his.

He has no respect for you so for me that would be Game Over.

See a solicitor for financial advice.

Original poster
orangesoda · 08/08/2016 12:00

Yes Shizzlestix. He didn't go with them. She just took them all. And he lied to me all day about it as he knew it say no if hell m where.

There's no chance of that DietCockBreak Confused she lives too close. To be honest she isn't the problem. He is and his attitude.
I won't even speak to me today, he's just brushed our bust up under the carpet to suit him but he's being off with me.
He always claimed last time it wasn't an affair as they didn't have sex. I do class covering up messages, deleting them, secret meetings and lying to me as cheating.

OP posts:
Original poster
orangesoda · 08/08/2016 12:02

*As he knew I would say no had he told me where.

OP posts:
ConkersDontScareSpiders · 08/08/2016 13:27

Sorry op-this just feels all wrong to me. I would be livid. What on earth would he let her do that for?

ConkersDontScareSpiders · 08/08/2016 13:28

What did the kids say? They surely found it odd that they were being taken on a day out by this woman when they knew you were taking them to the same place the following week? Or are they too young?

NoFanJoe · 08/08/2016 13:31

His choices, his actions, his fault for all of it.
You have a choice now as to the action that you take. Do you think the relationship has a future?

Original poster
orangesoda · 08/08/2016 13:40

They said they reminded him that I was taking them next week. He told me it would have been rude to say no to her and it's nice for them to go out with their friends.

I would like the relationship to work, get it back to how it was but there's been no affection for a while. There's been other stuff but not simple kissing, has holding etc. I think it would feel odd if he were to hold my hand.
I don't know how I will go about splitting up. I can't believe in even saying it.

OP posts:
mannose · 08/08/2016 13:40

Boundary issues wear you down eventually, sadly men who like their ego stroked by females who are not their wife never change.

Cagliostro · 08/08/2016 13:43

sorry it turned out like this :(

tipsytrifle · 08/08/2016 14:02

Apologies if I'm being dense but do you know this mother? Is she the one H had an affair/experience with? It was shitty of him to send DC off with someone else like that on a trip you had already planned. It's also clear, as others have said, that he is way off-key regarding his relationship with you.

TheHoneyBadger · 08/08/2016 14:09

I've seen both of your threads. Sorry OP but he sounds awful to me. The whole grouchy crap dad, can't afford a trip, thing in contrast to being superdaddy when she is there as an audience and oh so keen to go on a trip when it involves her is awful.

I'm not clear what you are getting from this relationship other than avoiding the discomfort of splitting up?

Original poster
orangesoda · 08/08/2016 14:15

I do know the mother Tipsy. Clears not as well he does.
He had the affair years ago. Not with her. We didn't know her then.
Th similarities in his behaviour when he had the affair and now are scarily similar. And he doesn't even seem to be trying to hide it. He hasn't even tried to reassure me once. He's just ignoring me.

I'm not sure either badger. You're probably right 😕

OP posts:
hollyisalovelyname · 08/08/2016 14:33

OP I'm sorry to read that you were right to be suspicious.
Ba**ard.
I just don't understand men who think with their .... instead of their brain and are willing to lose their wife and children for a bit on the side.
Was it worth it I'd love to ask them at the end of their lives.
And as for women who get involved with married men, knowingly...... grrrrr.
So much heartache for innocents.

Original poster
orangesoda · 08/08/2016 14:35

What do I do now. Where do I go from here?

OP posts:
hollyisalovelyname · 08/08/2016 14:38

OP I'm sorry to read that you were right to be suspicious.
Ba**ard.
I just don't understand men who think with their .... instead of their brain and are willing to lose their wife and children for a bit on the side.
Was it worth it I'd love to ask them at the end of their lives.
And as for women who get involved with married men, knowingly...... grrrrr.
So much heartache for innocents.

NoFanJoe · 08/08/2016 15:12

You sound so terribly worn down by it all. I don't see that he's likely to change when he's not listening to you. That pretending it's all a misunderstanding is just so much nonsense as I'm sure you know. It's his way of shutting you up and putting you back in your box so he can carry on as he wants. Whether it's the final straw only you can say.

ConkersDontScareSpiders · 08/08/2016 15:43

I think you need to say to him that what he's done re this woman is making you feel massively uncomfortable and the fact that he hasn't even bothered to see if you are on makes you feel sad for the state of your marriage. Tell him you want it to be better and ask him, honestly, if he does?
Better to know I think what he is thinking. You can't carry on like this. He's putting you in a terrible place here op.

ConkersDontScareSpiders · 08/08/2016 15:44

Ok, not on!

temporarilyjerry · 08/08/2016 15:47

I found this thread after reading your other thread and am sorry to hear the change in your tone. You sound so sad. This situation does not reflect on you at all. He is a cheat and a liar.

What should you do? Get your ducks in a row and make it clear that you will not forgive again.

SouthWindsWesterly · 08/08/2016 15:55

Oh dear! Is this Disney dad when the mother around the corner is around? Sack him. The trust has gone and he refuses to see it from your view. You need a Rottweiler lawyer - you're better than this and both you and your children deserve better.

temporarilyjerry · 08/08/2016 15:57

Your instincts have proved to be sharp so don't let him make you feel that you are paranoid.