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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Today "D"H joined a dating site...so I discovered...

56 replies

candyflossdreams · 04/08/2016 19:58

so, this evening I have discovered that "D"H joined an internet dating site today. He doesn't know I know. I have done some digging (no, I make no apologies) and it seems he was on 2 others a couple of years ago, and another 2 a couple of years before that.
I feel sick.
I don't think he has ever actually met anyone, but I cant be sure can I?
Are marriage has been terrible for a long time. I have lost count of the times I have tried to talk to him about it. Things get better for a few weeks then back to being terrible. But he has kept telling me he loves me every time we discuss our relationship, and stupidly I believed him.

What do I do now?

I honestly don't know how we could afford to live separately. We have dc. I just cant imagine the devastation to their lives if we separate.

Do I confront him. What the hell do I do next???

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 04/08/2016 20:04

I don't think there is much value in doing anything until you have a clear idea of what comes next, for you.

Is this the end? If you don't want to split, is an open marriage on the cards? Do you want to just forget you've found out, and carry on as you are?

For me, that'd be it. It sounds like the marriage was over anyway, and he's been lying to you for years. He's not even putting much effort in, just placating you by telling you he loves you and then falling back into old habits and routines. I'd ask him to leave and take the headspace. Speak to him in a few days, if you want too, and either talk about this or make plans for who will live where, contact, etc.

There will be devastation, if you split, that's probably unavoidable. There is devastation now, though. Whatever happens now, you have his mess to clear up. Your children will be okay, whatever happens - it's probably preferable to them that they don't grow up in a loveless marriage, where he shows you no respect, because they will model their relationships on yours. But regardless of if you stay or go, you'll be okay, and so will they.

It's probably wise to arrange STI testing, too, if he's been on dating sites for years. Just in the sense that it's better to be safe than sorry.

I am sorry that he's done this to you.

Original poster
candyflossdreams · 04/08/2016 20:16

oh god . I really really don't know where to start.All these years I have been doing the lions share of child care/housecare etc, and working long hours, and trying to hang on to the marriage as best as possible, and basically putting 110% of my efforts into family and all the time he has been looking for better alternatives.
I just cant believe I have been so stupid.
I cant even believe I am having to consider STI testing, but I have to really dont I.I've been married for 19 years. I have been so incredibly naive and stupid. Sad

OP posts:
Shizzlestix · 04/08/2016 20:19

See a solicitor and get the ball rolling. I can't imagine you want to stay with him? Please get tested. Flowers

Original poster
candyflossdreams · 04/08/2016 20:25

but I just cant imagine how I can do it all. We will loose the house. I don't even know what we will be able to afford to rent. We have a lot of joint debt.
DC lives will be totally ripped apart. He will tell them it is all my fault because I was too grumpy/naggy/shouty and they will hate me forever .
I supposedly an intelligent woman. How can I have not seen this.
Is it really stupid to admit I dont even know where I would go for STI testing (yes, I know I will google local clinic)
I am sat here in tears.

OP posts:
Original poster
candyflossdreams · 04/08/2016 20:26

ok, so really someone needs to tell me to get a grip.
part of me is thinking, was it really that bad? he was just looking. He may not have met anyone etc....

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 04/08/2016 20:29

Firstly, try and calm down. I can tell you are wound up (understandably) but you are no good to your kids like this. Take some deep breaths.

Getit · 04/08/2016 20:30

You have to end it!
He is a manipulative liar and chances are he has cheated repeatedly . At the very least he has intent.
Sort out your finances etc and bin him.
I'm so sorry you are experiencing this x

loveyoutothemoon · 04/08/2016 20:31

When you've calmed down a bit. Can someone come and sit for you while you talk to your DH?

loveyoutothemoon · 04/08/2016 20:32

Are you sure he registered today?

Cary2012 · 04/08/2016 20:33

Get a grip Candy. You don't need to do anything today. Look after yourself. See CAB next week. Find out your entitlements. CAB can give you a list of local family lawyers who offer free initial session. Keep all this from him. Set your ducks up. One small step at a time. The big picture is huge, so tackle it a bit at a time xx

Original poster
candyflossdreams · 04/08/2016 20:33

yes. You're right. Taking deep breaths. I am going to stay calm. My DC are absolutely my priority.
Dh has now gone out. wont be back till late.I would have said I know where he has gone, but now who knows whether he has gone where he said.
I am on my own with dc. need to hold it together at least till they are in bed.
Would ideally like to text dh to ask him not to come home tonight. But I am working tomorrow and DH has the dc (he is on holiday) so that would mess that up.
We've got a day out planned on Saturday - the kids are really excited but the thought of being polite to hi all day is not appealing....

has anyone had experience of this? Do you think that it is inevitable he has met up with someone at some stage?

OP posts:
Original poster
candyflossdreams · 04/08/2016 20:37

yes, he registered today. I accidentally saw the email saying "welcome to your account" or similar . I then read back through his emails (which yes I did feel bad about, but no longer) and found he had set up account with Match and another site about 2 years ago. I haven't been able to check out his activity on there. Then also a couple of emails from Zoosk and Flirt about 5 years ago.

OP posts:
deathtoheadlice · 04/08/2016 20:39

I know there are a lot of people on those sites who are just pretending and who have no intention of meeting anyone in person. So being on the site isn't the same as cheating or even really having the intent to. If you are really unhappy in the relationship overall, though, then that's a good reason to make some changes and maybe break up. Hope you're OK.

smilingeyes11 · 04/08/2016 20:41

You really won't be able to brush this under the carpet. You need to check what you can claim, both via CMS and go to the website EntitledTo also. And I agree about STI testing.

And do stop calling yourself a nag. That is such a hideous, misogynistic word. If he wasn't happy he should have left, not tell you he loves you then treat you like rubbish and be unfaithful too! Does he know you found out years ago?

Cary2012 · 04/08/2016 20:41

He may not have met any one yet Candy, but he joined with this in mind. That would be a deal breaker for me. Just take your time, you can fake happy family stuff, hard I know. You and the kids, that's all you need to focus on x

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 04/08/2016 20:43

I think, maybe, it's not a good idea to answer that right now. If you need to get through the initial shock by thinking he was just looking; you can give yourself that for tonight. Not for good - you will need to make plans, you'll need to acknowledge what's happening so that you don't go crazy, but sometimes our minds are clever. If it's easier to deal with in sections right now; do that.

A local clinic sounds like a good idea. Could you collect any financial documents that you know about, too? Get scans. Make sure you know where your passports are. You can probably do that stuff without thinking about it too much.

Are your children asleep?

Missgraeme · 04/08/2016 20:47

Your house is bricks and mortar. Your mental and emotional health are worth a lot more. And your kids deserve a happy mother above all else imo. U have a lot of mothering years to do yet (like forever) and deserve to be enjoying them not staying with him to play happy families and living a lie.

Original poster
candyflossdreams · 04/08/2016 20:47

I dint find out years ago smiling I have found it all out today, since getting in from work!
I am pretty much on board with all the financial stuff, I mostly sort the budgeting. Im not sure where the original mortgage docs are...but could find them
DC are a bit older (youngest is 8) so not in bed yet (and also on holiday time which runs about 2 hours late!)
will be putting youngest up in 10 mins....

OP posts:
Original poster
candyflossdreams · 04/08/2016 20:49

ok, may be entitled to small amount of tax credits without dh income.
not much but it is a start
need to go and see what difference it would make to oldest's Uni loan amount he was entitled to...

OP posts:
Cary2012 · 04/08/2016 20:54

Might make quite a difference, I know it did to my DD's bursary when I was sadly in your shoes 5 years ago x

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 04/08/2016 20:55

Probably a fair bit. It'll be a big change for you all, but you'll get there. Life will feel better without this hanging over you. I can't honestly imagine trying to live with someone who spent years online dating and lying... That'd be so soul destroying. It'd ruin your confidence, your happiness, your self esteem.

You've done well. You're doing well. Putting the littlest to sleep might be a bit of a soothing break, and then you can go back to gently collecting information; if that makes you feel more comfortable. Collect all the info you need to know that you'll be okay. You can approach this on your terms.

Original poster
candyflossdreams · 04/08/2016 21:25

ok, youngest is in bed. 10 yr old and 12 yr old have been "encouraged" to go watch a film in their room., will settle them to sleep soon.

have checked and ds would get approx an extra £2000 a year in student loan. Really bad timing though as he is due to start uni in October and all forms already completed etc...

now going to check how much equity in house and see if we sold it and paid off our debts what we're left with.
anyone every taken out a new mortgage at 43?

OP posts:
Getit · 04/08/2016 21:27

I took out a new mortgage at 38 .

Original poster
candyflossdreams · 04/08/2016 21:34

when do I talk to dh? What do I say? I know he is going to try and defend himself/minimise/blame me. I cant believe anything he says anymore can I. will he tell me if he has been with someone else?

OP posts:
petal68 · 04/08/2016 21:36

Sorry you're going through this. I found something similar on my exh email but his was a no strings attached site - this was actually the final straw on all the horrible things he did.

Anyway I managed to get a mortgage on my own at 46 so it can be done - good luck whatever you decide