Today "D"H joined a dating site...so I discovered...

[candyflossdreams]

so, this evening I have discovered that "D"H joined an internet dating site today. He doesn't know I know. I have done some digging (no, I make no apologies) and it seems he was on 2 others a couple of years ago, and another 2 a couple of years before that.
I feel sick.
I don't think he has ever actually met anyone, but I cant be sure can I?
Are marriage has been terrible for a long time. I have lost count of the times I have tried to talk to him about it. Things get better for a few weeks then back to being terrible. But he has kept telling me he loves me every time we discuss our relationship, and stupidly I believed him.

What do I do now?

I honestly don't know how we could afford to live separately. We have dc. I just cant imagine the devastation to their lives if we separate.

Do I confront him. What the hell do I do next???

Well done OP, you are doing great. I'm afraid I'd assume he's been on dating sites for a good few years now and has probably met at least one woman if not more, he's at the very least engaging in chats with them and his intention is undeniable - he's looking alright.

Keep going, you don't want to be in a relationship with a man that can humiliate and disrespect you to such a massive level.

I think I'd be wondering about the reason he went on, not just that he did. I think it would be a deal breaker.

OK, I'm home from work
I am struggling tbh to see how i could get past it. Even if he only ever browsed. The point is he has even considered it.
2 years ago one of our dc was quite ill. I was really, really stressed juggling work, other dc, hospital appointments etc It was one of the worst years of my life. And now I discover H joined a dating agency in the middle of that year.And all the time I was carrying the majority of the burden of dc illness.
It is things like that that make me feel so totally betrayed, unloved, devalued.
And any time I have tried to talk to H about not being happy with how things are in the marriage he has made out it is all down to me, and made me end up doubting myself and then grovelling to him. and every time he assures me he totally loves me etc...and then all along he is joining dating sites checking out alternatives.
I need to talk to him. Will wait till dc are in bed. No clue what to say though....

I would be the same.

Are you ready to talk to him? I think the most important thing is to know what you want out of the conversation, and to set your expectations.

He is likely to lie, at first, and then to frantically minimise, and he'll probably swear on everyone and their dogs' lives that he is now telling the truth. He probably won't be. It doesn't matter, really. Keep pushing for what you want - him to leave for a while?

Make sure you've got documents/screenshots etc before he knows that you know, he'll probably start trying to lock things down when he's aware.

ok. I'm not sure what I want tbh. Ideally I would love for him to move out for a bit to give me space to think. But logistically that is not going to be possible.
I think I just want to confront him, and see what/how much he admits to and hear what he has to say for himself. Then I want at least some emotional space from him to think about things.I am not ready to enter into full conversations about it yet, until I know more clearly what outcome I want.But I also cant go on pretending everything is fine. I'm going to tell him I don't want him to come on day out tomorrow and take dc on my own.
Then I am going to do a lot of thinking (and maybe crying!)

will try and get some screenshots, not sure if Ill be able to.....

Hi candy. I hope tonight you have given yourself some head space ( stop with the practical and think emotional) I also hope you have managed to talk to your dh. And at very least got some answers.
I hope I don't come across as minimising but you said yourself at stressful times he turned to dating sites. Could it possibly be him just fantasising away from reality? If you don't love him it's a perfect opportunity to walk away. If you do love him them give him the opportunity to at least explain .
I'm not on his side by the way just don't want to see you make a knee jerk reaction which you might regret. Take care