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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Today "D"H joined a dating site...so I discovered...

56 replies

candyflossdreams · 04/08/2016 19:58

so, this evening I have discovered that "D"H joined an internet dating site today. He doesn't know I know. I have done some digging (no, I make no apologies) and it seems he was on 2 others a couple of years ago, and another 2 a couple of years before that.
I feel sick.
I don't think he has ever actually met anyone, but I cant be sure can I?
Are marriage has been terrible for a long time. I have lost count of the times I have tried to talk to him about it. Things get better for a few weeks then back to being terrible. But he has kept telling me he loves me every time we discuss our relationship, and stupidly I believed him.

What do I do now?

I honestly don't know how we could afford to live separately. We have dc. I just cant imagine the devastation to their lives if we separate.

Do I confront him. What the hell do I do next???

OP posts:
rainbowstardrops · 04/08/2016 21:43

I think it's really important to take as long as you need to process what you've found out today. It was clearly a huge shock!
You don't need to do anything right now. I know it will be almost impossible to carry on with your H knowing what you know but just remember that you can do whatever you want when you feel the time is right.
So sorry OP Flowers

Cary2012 · 04/08/2016 21:45

No rush OP, get your ducks lined up first. Get used to what's happening.

justwantaquietlifeplease · 04/08/2016 21:57

I am very sorry to hear this is all happening to you. I think you know deep down that there is no way back from this...

I wanted to answer you Q on a practical level. I am 43. I have just taken on a £200K mortgage on my own. I only earn £20K so you would think this is impossible, but add in fairly hefty CM as ex is a high earner, some tax credits and child benefit and I just scraped it. Plus, as retirement age is now later, they will offer you a longer term which helps with monthly repayments. Some lenders will take all these 'incomes' into account, some discount them immediately. Get a good broker.

Amythest001 · 04/08/2016 22:07

I'm sorry you have discovered this...don't ask him-tell him you know.
I left my ex and ended up a single mum and practically homeless, it's scary but it all worked out ok and it will for you too Flowers

loveyoutothemoon · 04/08/2016 22:17

Just think about tomorrow for now. Can you make out you're ill so that you don't have to pretend to be nice?

Original poster
candyflossdreams · 04/08/2016 22:34

I'm working tomorrow, thankfully. He will be at home with dc
Have day out planned on Saturday, which I will go on as dc are really looking forward to it.
I just want to shout at him. lots. but will breath, and pretend.

OP posts:
TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 05/08/2016 00:59

Take screen shots of the emails. Then when he says 'prove it' you can.

Original poster
candyflossdreams · 05/08/2016 07:44

morning all
I managed 3 or 4 hours broken sleep last night. Don't feel tired though - think that's the adrenaline.
I'm off to work in a bit.
Going to make a list of what I need to do.

  1. get checked for STIs
  2. Open own bank account (have joint one currently)
  3. change salary to be paid into own account
  4. go through all bills etc that I would take on my own
5.try and find info for change in circumstances for odlest dc uni loan application
  1. do some reading around mortgages - work out if they would be likely to let me take on current mortgage in my own name (think I may just be able to afford it)
  2. read up/get advice on chances of dh agreeing/being made to agree to me staying in family home until youngest is 18

A quick look at finances last night suggests I MAY just be able to afford to take over mortgage and stay in our home. This would be much better for dc. I would then sell when youngest dc was 18 and would split any equity with dh at that point. Anyone else done this?
I am quite clueless about mortgages I'm ashamed to say as H mostly sorted ours so need to look into it a bit more...
The problem is even if we rented somewhere we wouldn't actually save that much compared to current mortgage it seems.

I have no idea how difficult H is going to be about the whole thing. If you'd asked me a couple of days ago I would have said he would be reasonable and want what is best for dc. Now I don't know.

what is missing form my list do you think?
Of course there are the obvious things like telling H to get out and telling the dc....but other practical things I need to do first?

But when it comes to telling the dc what do you think? Do they get to hear the truth? Or is it kinder to just say we have decided the marriage is over.
Much as I truly hate H right now for doing this to me, my dc welfare comes first and I want to help support their relationship with him as much as possible (not that he has ever really shown much concern about his relationship with them but hey!)

OP posts:
MephistoMarley · 05/08/2016 07:55

You poor thing Flowers
Your list sounds good but you haven't got legal advice on your list.
I think you can tell your dc that you and dh don't feel the same way about each other and you don't want to be married anymore. You can tell the 18 year old the truth depending on your relationship with him but you don't have to.

Newbienew · 05/08/2016 08:01

Hi candy. Just wanted to ask you to slow down. You've been hurt really bad but you don't know to what extent he has or hasn't been up to something. Cancel Saturdays outing there are many more Saturdays to go out . Your childen will be fine if you postpone.
Ask work for afternoon off and call your husband to meet you and talk.

petal68 · 05/08/2016 08:05

Hi Candy,

Sorry you have had a crap nights sleep - I know the feeling sadly. In my situation I couldn't keep it in and ended up ranting at him the same night when he came back from work but in hindsight being organised like you are doing is best.

The only problem may be that he wont move out or if he does he wants his share in the equity of the house. We stayed living together but separated for a while and it was hell on wheels I wouldnt recommend it. I eventually managed to take over the mortgage and buy him out with help from my elderly grandparents.

Just something else to think about sorry - I second getting a good financial adviser to help you sort the mortgage

Take care

Original poster
candyflossdreams · 05/08/2016 08:05

yes , thanks mephisto will look into legal advice today if I get chance.

My worry is (and I know it is petty) but I don't want dc to believe this is my fault. H is always aking comments to them about me being grumpy/expecting too much etc (eg when I ask them to tidy up becuase I am exhausted running round after everyone) and I worry he will paint this to be all my doing to turn dc against me. That sounds so petty I know, but I couldn't bare it if my relationship with dc broke down. They are my whole world.I already feel sad at the thought of having less time with them due to them being away with H.Sad but would never stand in the way of him being involved as much as possible obviously.
But, yes in reality I have to pput my feelings aside (I've had lots of practice at that at least!) and put them first.

OP posts:
MephistoMarley · 05/08/2016 08:07

You've put 18 years of hard graft into your relationship with your children. What makes you think he can undo that with his shitty comments?
I bet you become less stress and snappy when you aren't living with his criticism too

Spottytop1 · 05/08/2016 08:11

You think you won't cope alone but you will.

Sell the house, pay the debts off @ split any money left over.

Talk to a solicitor about a divorce and maintenance payments and look into any benefits you may be able to get.

I knowing hard - I was in a similar position about 3 years ago/ it's been hard it has worked out for me & now mine & my children's lives are better as we are all happy.

Original poster
candyflossdreams · 05/08/2016 08:41

thanks for all the support.
I would totally cope on my own, I know that, it is just the financial side that would be really hard.
newbie yes, I may need to slow down. BUT if nothing else he has set up profiles on dating sites, many times going back at least 5 years. I think I would struggle to get past that betrayal. Even if he hasn't gone any further, who does that? Certainly not someone committed to their wife and family surely. I have been unhappy in this marriage for many years, but at no time EVER would I have considered looking elsewhere.
petal I SO wanted to rant at him last night. I don't know how I didn't tbh. Only that I know I can sometimes be impulsive, and so I am making a BIG effort not to be this time round.
mephisto I think you are right, I will be a much less snappy grumpy mummy when he is not around, which has got to be good for everyone hasn't it.
spotty yes, we may need to sell the house you are right. I expect he will want to do that to pay off his share of the debts tbh.
I KNOW it is only bricks and mortar, but we have lived their for 14/15 years. We have done lots of work on the house and garden and it has so many memories. It is in a perfect location .It just feels such a wrench, but I know I am being really silly about that.

OP posts:
Original poster
candyflossdreams · 05/08/2016 08:44

ok, so genuine question and I realise answer will be different for everyone.
If he has "only" joined the sites and browsed, would this be a deal breaker for everyone? Would anyone feel they could move past that?
newbie's comment has got me wondering....

OP posts:
Cary2012 · 05/08/2016 08:48

Good list Candy, but top of it should be legal advice! Don't rush, don't make snap decisions, and remember to look after yourself, cups of tea, snacks, walks in the fresh air. I remember running around on pure adrenaline, that's a natural reaction. At some point you'll crash, sorry, but you will, so slow it all down if you possibly can. You'll need focus to make important decisions and to take in the legal advice and financial stuff. You're doing well.

Original poster
candyflossdreams · 05/08/2016 08:55

thanks cary you are right, I know. I am quite rubbish at looking after myself at the best of times! I have had tea this morning, but feel to sick to eat at the moment. Will try later. I need to try and get some focus now to get through day at work...it is going to be harder than I thought. Sad

OP posts:
Cary2012 · 05/08/2016 09:02

It is so hard, bless you. I went to work the day after I threw my ex out, it was hard, but kind of helped being in a place where I felt different and valued a bit, rather than crying at home where I felt lousy.

MephistoMarley · 05/08/2016 09:02

Nope, not in a marriage/committed relationship. Browsing dating sites is the end.

LaContessaDiPlump · 05/08/2016 09:02

I don't think I could move past that candy. Sorry, but that's an unacceptable level of 'just wondering' what it would be like to have an affair. He's deliberately seeking out potential real-life candidates. It's not idle daydreaming, is it.

Sorry :(

MsDe · 05/08/2016 09:08

I couldn't move past it. Sorry...

Keep making your list and doing your research. I think you're playing it all very well. I wouldn't have any conversations with my husband until I had my plan B sorted, so when he tried to tell me we can't afford to split/you'll never survive in your own, I could shove plan B up his smug arse.

Sending love and strength.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 05/08/2016 09:19

No, I'd still leave. He'd still be intending to meet someone else. If he wasn't successful, thats more a reflection on whether other women want him than of his intentions! That won't be the case after five years, though. It also seems like he treats you with contempt and it can't be nice for your children to live in this environment, which him always criticising you. I'd use this as the catalyst you need to call this off now.

Your list looks good. I'd second adding legal advice. It sounds like you'll be okay. Try to keep eating and drinking so you don't get ill.

pocketsaviour · 05/08/2016 09:21

If he has "only" joined the sites and browsed, would this be a deal breaker for everyone?

If he had only joined one site, and never logged in, and it was during a rough patch, I might be able to look past that.

But this behaviour sounds like it's been going on for years. Plus, you will never know the truth of whether he's met up with anyone or not, and unless you manage to get access to his account (do you know what password he commonly uses?) and log in and look for sent messages, you won't know whether he was "just looking" or actively seeking partners.

I also don't like what you described as how he slags you off to your DC. It's incredibly disrespectful.

deathtoheadlice · 05/08/2016 09:23

Of course you never know until it happens but if everything else was great i could probably move past it. I don't know if I could take the undermining comments re being grumpy, getting the kids to tidy etc.
I think sex isn't as important to me as to many people. Not that i don't like it and all, but there are other more relationship-killing things I'd put ahead of just browsing, if it really is just browsing.
MN is politically diverse and often liberal but sexual relationship wise, it's incredibly conservative and traditional on here a lot of times.