dp said we're over.

[Feelingsolow12345]

dp said we're over but can't gather up myself to actually leave the house. I'm standing outside the front door but my legs won't walk to leave with my son.

So sorry this has happened to you. I'm afraid it sounds like he doesn't like to have to pick up his own plates.

he is abusive, please never ever go back. You need to speak to Women's Aid and you need the Freedom Programme. What makes you think this is what you deserve. Do you want your son to grow up to abuse his future partners too? This needs to stop now.

That's good. Try not to let him occupy your head space and relax.

He needs to learn how to be a good partner and a good father. This is your chance to play hard ball and to demand the respect you deserve. If he doesn't know what a supportive loving partner should be, then he can read online and show you what he's learnt before you step foot near him again.

He'll see a new you who will not tolerate his poor treatment anymore.

It's this kind of fatherly role model that allows sons to follow in their father's behaviour. They see how dad treats mum and go on to do the same.

Don't let your son grow up seeing that.

that was a wrestlers night. I kept thinking if I rolled over I would see him there to give me a cuddle. wish I saw the red flags before we had a son so it wasn't more complicated.

Don't live in regret my dear. He'll either see you mean business and aren't taking any nonsense anymore or he'll just be your father's son and you can just have a coparenting relationship.

The bottom line is that he gets it through his head, that the old you who put up with that crappie behaviour is gone for good.

He's an abusive, controlling, nasty piece of work Feelingsolow. It's likely that you were picked by him as a perfect type for him to behave exactly like this. Probably so with your first relationship too. it's like those of us who had a bad start in the family/romance department have a target on our backs for bad ones. So now it really is your time to choose.

Personally, I'd take this opportunity to leave because abusers just don't get better at anything except honing their abilities to do what they've always done. He's on overdrive now to re-establish his control over you. Offering you "stuff" and an attitude that suggests free will on your part. It would not be Real. It would be an illusion. Just my opinion but it really really is up to you. Entirely up to you. Possibly for the first time in your life.

I think this has to be your wake-up call. Don't go back, men like that don't change. Do the Freedom Programme so that you will learn that you deserve better and you will no longer be a target for abusive losers.

Well done for walking out on him.

Please don't go back.He might get better for a bit, but his fundamental attitude is that he doesn't care about you and sees you as, at best a domestic appliance, at worst, an emotional punchbag.

The fact that he is "offering to change" shows that he knew his behaviour was making you miserable and yet he did it anyway. I bet you've heard these promises before, haven't you, and they never lasted. The fact that you've already seen through the 'love bombing' phase tells us that you have been on this ride a couple of times before.

You are being very strong. Please continue to ask for support from your family and friends and get away from this man.

I have to agree with Pointy and Tiger

Once he wins you over, it will prove to him that he still has his way in the end. He will, in all likelihood, ramp up his efforts to control you so you don't try anything like standing up for yourself again.

From my own experience, before I was married to exH, we had a trivial argument about something really petty and he picked up my handbag and hurled it down the stairs of his flat. Just for the hell of it. I walked out and went to stay with a friend for a few days. I knew instinctively this was not right behaviour on his part.

How I wish I didn't let him wheedle his way round me over the 'phone. I gave in because I was a softer touch in those days. I also had nowhere to go - not even family. He was my first boyfriend and older than me. Lived to regret it as his behaviour did not get better. Oh yes, it did for a while, but then it got much, much worse leading to violence and intimidation.

When I did leave him for good, I got the patter about how he would seek counselling IF I came back. See - once again he was trying to impose his will on me. I told him it was too late for us, but he absolutely should do it for his next relationship. To my knowledge he never did and just has a string of broken relationships behind him.

There may not have been red flags prior to the baby.
Many many abusers true colours only show once the partner is pregnant or after giving birth.
It's very well know.
As a PP said please do call Womens Aid 0808 2000 247
Also contact citizens advice and have a chat with them about what benefits and tax credits you are entitled to.
Then get onto Child Support and find out how much your abusive Ex should be paying in maintenance.
If you know his salary you can look HERE
When you talk to Womens Aid make sure you discuss their Freedom Programme.
Attend in person if you can.
This will help you with boundaries, spotting red flags, your self esteem and keeping away from abusive assholes!
You've been so strong so far.
Do NOT go back for more abuse.

Lost a previous post.

Anyway, agreeing with all others. Do not return to him. Or even consider it at this point. He'll only make it more difficult for you to leave a second time.

Agree with the good advice on here. Also, just because your HV has said you don't need any help with your PND, doesn't mean s/he's right. I'd book an appt with GP for an honest chat, and let them decide, especially with what's happened in the last 24 hours. Glad you are at your mum's, hope you and little one get lots of tlc x

They're right reading your story lady night made me think about an old relationship and awoke in a cold sweat but relieved to find it was a dream. He hated my friends and would beg me to live with him even though he bullied me on a constant basis. One year coming up to Christmas he harped on about how we should spend Christmas together. Weakening towards maybe living with him I relented and arrived in Christmas Eve. I'm from Ireland so was giving up a family Christmas to be with him. I bought lovely food and gifts and arrived to find him on her phone to his mother drunk and being abusive to her. I tried to make it nice. It he turned on me. He eventually fell into a drunken sleep and awoke hungover with no memory of the night before and about 20 missed calls from his poor mother. Later that morning he picked a fight with me over something stupid. I was apparently peeling carrots wrong and too early. This from a man who's contribution to the world of cookery was pasta with pesto. He actually shouted at me that I was useless and that I felt sorry for me, that it was over and I could fxxx off. There I was in a sketchy neighbourhood with only my handbag. No buses were running tubes were closed and no taxi companies seemed to be open. I started to walk home and a nice Indian man asked me if I was ok. He invited me to his house (his family were there) made me tea, drove me to my flat and gave me a food parcel and these words. People don't change, a bully will not change as surely as a leopard won't loos his spots. The victim of a bully however changes from one day to another until there is nothing but a shell left behind. I'll never forget that. The boyfriend eventually turned up a day or two later sorry of course and saying he would change. I gave him another chance but if anything it was worse. A very good friend and flat mate eventually said to me she could no longer watch what was unfolding that it was depressing to behold. I got away after he physically attacked me for the crime of taking too long to return from a baby shower. That was the last straw. I hear from him from time to time even though he is married with children to a woman who's parents are at their wits end. To my knowledge she has been kicked downstairs, hospitalised several times and is apparently a shadow of her former self. That could have been me.

I'm so sorry, helena. Thank Goodness you're out but a real disaster for the poor woman he's with now. Tell me - did you report his attack to the police at the time?

OP, you have had a very lucky escape. Let your mum look after you while you heal then build a better life for yourself and your DC.

The pile of shit you left behind is not worth a second's thought.

No. Big mistake. I hear that the police have been involved this time around.

Husband was a total bastard after our one was born. I stuck at it, and he now fully regrets his behaviour towards me. He was too immature for fatherhood. About eight years after child was born, we realised he had MH issues. He is seeking help right now. DH had a violent upbringing, lost his DM early in life, and thought all women were gold digging bitches. He's in his early forties and the right therapy and support is constantly challenging his opinion. He had hit me too. I do not advocate EA or PA but sometimes you have to dig a bit deeper to find the root cause. If the man cannot face up to his problems, dump him. If he is willing to change (and makes the appointment) stay apart but be supportive.

If he is willing to change (and makes the appointment) stay apart but be supportive.

Agree. Particularly with the "stay apart". But he needs to show true willingness to change and to respect your wishes.

Could I remind anyone reading about Clare's Law - the Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme. I've not had to invoke it myself, but I understand that it doesn't need to be the victim that does so. (Whether or not people decide to do so for another person would be down to their own situation, I guess.)

It now covers Scotland, England and Wales - not Ireland at the moment if I remember - and a quick internet search should give anyone the procedures in their own locality.

sorry been having me time. done everything I would have done before ds was born. my doctors dont have any appointments for another 2 weeks, typical.

I'm so sorry to hear what happened helen I'm glad you're better off.

I personally think he's like this since our son has arrived now I've thought about it. he even admitted last night we was happy before we moved in together. I told him if he can change (and have help with his depression) then maybe we can work through it on my terms. he's never hit me just knocked me down with his ea.

'just' ? 'just' ???

What did he do before the baby?

So, what is the problem with the baby?
That your attention isn't on him anymore, as it used to be?
Because suddenly he is supposed to be responsible too?

Ups, sorry, I misread. The whole problem was when you moved in together???
Well, there's definitely a good case for you to stay out. He may only be good enough to go out with, not as a partner.

He won't change and he's been unsupportive and abusive at the time you needed him the most. He may give the illusion of change, but it will be fake.

Depression does not present itself in this way: this is not because he is depressed. He is abusing you because you are vulnerable and because he chooses to.

I'm so glad you're at your mums: you can make a fresh start from this safe place. Well done for calling the gp too. My advice is to not make any more decisions til you've been seen... If you're on antidepressants, give them some time to work til you make why changes.

I speak from experience. You have made an amazing escape: please do not go back.

*why=any