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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh and school mum friend

122 replies

justalittlelemondrizzle · 04/08/2016 13:11

The dc's have a friend from school who's mum we both get on with although DH knows her better than me as he does more school runs and he is usually the one to organise things with the dcs. The dcs see eachother alot out of school. Anyway so far this summer DH has said we don't have the money to go on a day out. I've suggested a theme park, cinema, adventure farm etc. Dc's friends mum has just said she's going on an expensive day out with her dc and suddenly dh has told our dc were going with them. Up until this point he has been adamant we cannot afford it and we will only be having free days out. He's stopped me in my tracks whenever I have mentioned anywhere.
In the past the dc's have had disagreements and he's always quick to defend the other child without even knowing what happened and making excuses because he gets on so well with mum.
It comes across as though I am a paranoid person but I couldn't be less so. Dh works mainly with women. They go for drinks after work, nights out etc and I've never been bothered.
I've mentioned to him that he needs to take a few minutes to think about the fact that last week we couldn't afford to go and now suddenly we miraculously can because they're going. He got defensive and refused to entertain what I said.
Am I being stupid to think hes a little infatuated?

OP posts:
FantasticButtocks · 04/08/2016 16:34

Going from your last post I'd say to him - you're evidently not satisfied with having just one relationship and you are now panting round this woman like a lapdog just like you did with that other woman, it's so insulting, hurtful and lacking in respect. I'm not actually stupid, I bet you wish I bloody well was! I actually want an exclusive relationship as you well know, are you not able to give me that?

If he does anything other than give in and apologise and admit, you'll need to decide whether this is good enough for you.

FantasticButtocks · 04/08/2016 16:38

Not your last post. Thread has moved faster than I realised.

smilingeyes11 · 04/08/2016 16:42

oh dear - well he did it before and now is doing it again. The fact he is defensive and turning it on you speaks volumes I think. And if you have to keep checking and turning on location services etc then the trust really is gone for good?

Original poster
justalittlelemondrizzle · 04/08/2016 17:07

Re read my old thread. It is a similar situation but this time the woman doesn't live on the other side of the city. She lives round the corner.. If it happens again it will be the end of us. I will not forgive again.

OP posts:
Cagliostro · 04/08/2016 17:14

I was going to say that even without the potential infatuation etc, his attitude re: the money for trips is just really bad. But if he has form... :(

Bogeyface · 04/08/2016 17:19

Fantastic
One of the things I said to H was "I am not as stupid as you would like me to be", they really think that they can get away with pulling the wool over our eyes when we know them better than anyone. Its quite disappointing to realise that not only are you married a liar but also a bloody idiot.

LindyHemming · 04/08/2016 17:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BuzzzyBeee · 04/08/2016 17:41

Hmmm OP in light of that I'd definitely struggle to trust him on this. There might not be something going on but it sounds like he would like it to be.

I'd put my foot down and say that your not going and want to spend time alone as a family. His reaction will tell you all you need to know and open the door to further conversation which needs to be had.

Sorry Flowers

SandyY2K · 04/08/2016 17:51

I agree with the above poster.
Say you want it as a family day.

AnyFucker · 04/08/2016 17:51

what do you mean "if something like (what happened before) happens again" ?

it already has

his behaviour is dodgy and underhand....just like last time

he is making you feel unsafe and that he is untrustworthy...just like last time

I would have dumped his arse for the lies the first time around. You ave him a green card to do it again. Even if this other woman doesn't fancy him back it's about it makes you feel

what he says about it is actually irrelevant

hollyisalovelyname · 04/08/2016 19:15

OP In your original post you say your dh works with lots of women and socialises with them and you don't have a problem with that. Later you told us he has had an affair.
I think the affair was/ is relevant.
He has form.

WingsToFly · 04/08/2016 19:53

I think on no account agree for you or your DC to go on this trip. He's undermined you on so many levels and to top it all told DC you were all going, as a fait accompli, after all the vetoing of your ideas and claims of only doing free days out this holiday.

Would also question the well-being of your DC when with him and friend (when you're not there) if he's so sycophantic when she's around and you've witnessed unfairness due to him taking her DC's side automatically. Again, it's the boundaries problem mentioned by pps and his need to ingratiate himself to her (sad) but why should your DC suffer?

Hippywannabe · 05/08/2016 09:24

How are you today Op? I've been thinking about the situation. I do think you are going to need to have it out with him even if it causes an argument. I know it isn't nice to have to confront him but you are living with mistrust. If he genuinely isn't doing anything, it may just make him realise how his actions could be misinterpreted.

ChicagoDoll · 05/08/2016 14:56

strange to arrange the day out with you if he's having an affair or fancies her Confused

Not that it makes it ok but I've got some girlfriends like this. Haven't got the money to do stuff with me but as soon as someone 'better' suggests it they're all over it like a rash.
Appalling way to treat a friend let alone a spouse but just pointing out it may not be attraction just twatness

hollyisalovelyname · 05/08/2016 15:12

ChicagoDoll they might be hiding the affair in plain sight so as not to arouse suspicion.

torontonian · 05/08/2016 15:32

I could have written this thread. School mum, STBXH running like a puppy agter her and we couldn't have family time without the f#/@ing playdates with OW and her DD. STBXH would slide down with her daughter in his lap while our DD was hanging head down the slide and screaming for help, and he would not see DS. Looking at the pplaydates/ birthday photos was depressing. 80% were of OW's DD. Some of them with our DS in the background, most of them he didnt even appear.
And yes, we had her over very weekend. And yet I thought the same, how could she come if they were having an affair. But people having affairs are not always rational. Just listen to your subconscious. It is screaming to you.

ConkersDontScareSpiders · 05/08/2016 16:02

I went on several weekends away wth the woman in my situation (my best friend). We went on family weekends away with her and her husband and the kids. She was in our house all the time. My h, her and I would often go out to gigs etc. They were having an affair the whole time.
When I found out and asked how they could possibly have done that, the excuse was that they 'compartmentalised it'. People will behave pretty much however they want to and find any shite excuse to justify it.

Original poster
justalittlelemondrizzle · 05/08/2016 19:02

Thanks for the advice everyone. I challenged him last night as to how we can suddenly afford it. He said he hasn't had to pay a certain bill this month adds just realised so we can now afford a day out.
I haven't said anymore as I feel if I come across as suspicious he may make more of an effort to conceal whatever is going on.
I'm going to keep an eye on things for the time being. Gather any evidence that I find with the intention of using this against him if I do need to confront him.
I'm going to go on the day out and will be monitoring their interaction.

OP posts:
hollyisalovelyname · 05/08/2016 19:02

FlowersConkers.
Who wants people like that in their life ?
I hope things are working out for you.

AcrossthePond55 · 05/08/2016 19:26

I'm going to go on the day out and will be monitoring their interaction.

I really think this is wise. It may be an uncomfortable day, but at least you won't be stumbling in the dark afterwards. You'll probably have a pretty good idea of what's going on, at least as far as he goes.

You indicate this has happened before. I tend to think that if it's happened once, it's likely to happen again. If he's the type to develop these infatuations/entrancements willy-nilly it's much more likely that eventually it'll be with someone who'll respond to him. If he is that type, you'll need to have a good think as far as if that's something you want to live with whether or not these infatuations/entrancements lead to affairs or just burn out. I don't think I'd like my DH to be investing that much of his emotional energy outside of our marriage, even if it's completely one-sided.

Candlefairy101 · 05/08/2016 19:38

Great idea, you are one step ahead of them OP, they have no idea that you have an inkling so will be acting 'normal' but you will be very observant more than normal and will spot exactly what your looking for.

I really hope tho that this is a complete mix up and you all just have a nice day, good luck x

goddessoftheharvest · 06/08/2016 08:35

You are right to go on the day out while quietly doing some digging. I'm afraid his previous behaviour shows he has form. I'd be getting all my ducks in a row about now. If it's all innocent then no harm done, if not, well, then you are prepared

SandyY2K · 06/08/2016 10:30

While you're out, I'd sometimes go to the loo and see their interaction from a distance.

SandyY2K · 06/08/2016 10:31

I'd also arrange a day out just for the family. No third parties allowed. It would be great to see how excited he is about that.

hollyisalovelyname · 07/08/2016 11:02

Did you go on the outing OP ?