Dh and school mum friend

[justalittlelemondrizzle]

The dc's have a friend from school who's mum we both get on with although DH knows her better than me as he does more school runs and he is usually the one to organise things with the dcs. The dcs see eachother alot out of school. Anyway so far this summer DH has said we don't have the money to go on a day out. I've suggested a theme park, cinema, adventure farm etc. Dc's friends mum has just said she's going on an expensive day out with her dc and suddenly dh has told our dc were going with them. Up until this point he has been adamant we cannot afford it and we will only be having free days out. He's stopped me in my tracks whenever I have mentioned anywhere.
In the past the dc's have had disagreements and he's always quick to defend the other child without even knowing what happened and making excuses because he gets on so well with mum.
It comes across as though I am a paranoid person but I couldn't be less so. Dh works mainly with women. They go for drinks after work, nights out etc and I've never been bothered.
I've mentioned to him that he needs to take a few minutes to think about the fact that last week we couldn't afford to go and now suddenly we miraculously can because they're going. He got defensive and refused to entertain what I said.
Am I being stupid to think hes a little infatuated?

Agree he fancies her. It's the sudden turnaround regarding days out that would do it for me. Then you suggest some where cheaper and he gets pissed off. So why does it HAVE to be his choice of day trip? Because he wants to go with her

Agree that you should go as a family. If money is tight you do this day once - and there's no need to include anybody else, you're a family.

I would listen to your gut very carefully and I completely agree that you should say something to your husband now. I would say - "I know that you are friendly with this lady but you're now starting to sound as if you fancy her. Just so you know, I will not be putting up with this and will not be made a fool of by you. It's not her that is the issue, it's you. You're my husband. Behave like it or risk losing what you have. Your call.". Then walk away and so something else.

Don't mention to her that you think your husband has a crush. She has done nothing that you've mentioned here and she doesn't need to get involved in your business.

*do something else.

Sorry no advice OP, but watching with interest as very similar situation here

When I was a SAHM if my DH had said he thought I had a crush on/inappropriate relationship with another parent, I would have been at pains to reassure him, really upset that he felt like that. I wouldn't get all defensive and nasty about it..............

The first time I mentioned it he just said "don't be stupid"

He doesn't get to shut down the discussion.

The family have gone without trips because he has said that there wasn't enough money. Unless you've had a sudden windfall, there still isn't enough money.

All the sulking and the pouting in the world isn't going to change that. And if they haven't already noticed, it won't be long until your DC also make the connection between Disney-Dad-DH and the arrival of friend. That will have a serious impact on your DH's relationship with his own children.

I would veto this trip, just as your DH has vetoed all your previous suggestions. Your DC will not be going either.

The refusal to discuss the issue and the treatment of his own DC in all this are what would be the main factors here. The crush on the friend just magnifies what is already happening in your household.

Someone above opined that he's 'entranced' by her. I think I agree. On a scale of 1 - 10 (1 being just friends, 10 being full blown affair), I'd put 'entranced' as a 6. Just a 'crush' would be a 4, an 'obsession' would be an 8. And I don't think that getting defensive necessarily means they're having an affair. I think it means he sees this (whatever it is) as 'right' or 'justified'.

I think a lot will have to do with her behaviour. If she's cool or truly simply 'friendly' it'll probably fade. But if she's looking for a relationship or is a 'flirty' type (flirty without 'intention' as it were) it might not take much to tip him over into trying it on with her, especially if he appears to be unhappy at home. Not saying he has reason to be unhappy, but part of being entranced is convincing oneself that one is 'unhappy' and that the object is what will make one happy.

I'd probably drop any discussion for now. I'd go ahead and do the day out, try to take a small step back during it and quietly watch them interacting. Then get my thoughts together and confront him if I still felt it was warranted.

You just want to be prepared for what he might say so consider various scenarios and how you'd feel about/respond to them.

Huh. Sounds dodgy to me. AND like they're possibly covering their backs by making the trip on a day that you can come too. I really don't like the way he changes when he's with her and her DC, but can't be nice to his own, that truly sucks.

There was a thread a while back from a poster whose DH had an "old friend" (female) and there would be lots of chat between them, meet ups with her and her DH where there was flirting and so on - turned out they were having an affair and actually getting off on the fact that they were bringing their other halves to the meet ups!

Anyway - YANBU, it's dodgy as fuck.

Well, my answer to that, rightly or wrongly, would be something along the lines of
'well, i'm sorry if it seems stupid, but that's the way i feel and it's damaging our marriage. Do you give a shit about that AT ALL? Because it's not going to get better by telling me i'm stupid. So that's it is it?? ...' ect ect. ... with quite a bit of shouting and probably tears. Which i wouldn't actually recommend of course.

But then i'm one for wearing my heart on my sleeve and if i'm upset and angry then i'll show it.

That's exactly how I would react Laiste. I don't think it's wrong; it (rightly) shifts the blame back to him, where it belongs.

I noticed in your first post that you said he goes for drinks and meals out with his female colleagues. It seems a bit unfair that there's the money for that and not for your dc to have days out.

What LyingWitch said

StartledByHisFurryShorts- No I just meant occasionally. Maybe once a month after work drinks. Usually in payday and the nights out happen a few times a year. I was just making a point that he goes out with women and I don't have a problem with it. As he just makes me feel paranoid.

This would get my back up aswell. Big time.

OP you are right to be concerned.

Id be laughing at him and talking about his school boy crush. If you accuse or argue he'll become defensive and they can be all woe is me against you.... If you take the piss if might be enough for him to get her arse out of his head.

Wow! He's being totally unreasonable.

This happened a few years ago. There is even a thread on it. He got friendly with someone he knew through work. I can't remember how I got suspicious but it ended up that a few days later he went round to hers one evening while telling me he was going to another friends house. I messaged him while he was there. I knew where he was going before he left the house but I let him go after turning his location on on his phone. I then facebook messaged him and he replied unknowingly with his whereabouts attached to the message proving he wasn't where he said he was. I'd been suspicious for days so I planned to catch him out this way. He promised me he just went round to watch a film. He swore nothing else happened and he came home to a deadbolted house. We briefly split, know one knew we had. I was devastated.
This is feeling all to familiar..

So he has form

This doesn't look good, and is even more reason why he should be jumping through hoops to prove to you he isn't up to his old tricks, rather than dismissing you and shutting you down. Did he make you any promises about future behaviour when you agreed to take him back?

I wouldn't trust him either.

He promised nothing like that would happen again. He would tell me everything and would never keep anything from me or lie to me.
He could never explain why he wanted to spend time with her over us that night other than she was a good friend. He's never seen her since.

Your husband isn't good at maintaining boundaries with other women at all.

Why would he lie if he had nothing to hide that time?

I couldn't deal with a man like this, as it would cause me far too much anxiety. The only way I could cope is by building up a wall and protecting myself emotionally - which means detaching from him.

I had a situation with my DH, where I told him he could carry on doing what he was and I wouldn't leave, but I would detach my emotions from him, find happiness elsewhere (not with another man) and once the kids left home we could go our separate ways.

Things soon changed.

I'm sorry OP, this isn't sounding great. You still don't know anything for sure so for the time being I would observe his behaviour with her as closely as you can. Go on the day out and be around any other time you can. I would want to look through his phone at this point, but I know lots of people wouldn't feel comfortable doing that.

He's never seen her since.

How can you be 100% sure of this?

I've never had any reason to believe he's seen her again. I'm not the paranoid type. Even after that happened so I can't be 100% but what led me to be suspicious has never happened again until now so I think I'm pretty good at knowing when something isn't right.