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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dh and school mum friend

122 replies

justalittlelemondrizzle · 04/08/2016 13:11

The dc's have a friend from school who's mum we both get on with although DH knows her better than me as he does more school runs and he is usually the one to organise things with the dcs. The dcs see eachother alot out of school. Anyway so far this summer DH has said we don't have the money to go on a day out. I've suggested a theme park, cinema, adventure farm etc. Dc's friends mum has just said she's going on an expensive day out with her dc and suddenly dh has told our dc were going with them. Up until this point he has been adamant we cannot afford it and we will only be having free days out. He's stopped me in my tracks whenever I have mentioned anywhere.
In the past the dc's have had disagreements and he's always quick to defend the other child without even knowing what happened and making excuses because he gets on so well with mum.
It comes across as though I am a paranoid person but I couldn't be less so. Dh works mainly with women. They go for drinks after work, nights out etc and I've never been bothered.
I've mentioned to him that he needs to take a few minutes to think about the fact that last week we couldn't afford to go and now suddenly we miraculously can because they're going. He got defensive and refused to entertain what I said.
Am I being stupid to think hes a little infatuated?

OP posts:

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 04/08/2016 14:16

I'd do the same as Nicki and have it out, massive row or not.

Get it out in the open.

Original poster

justalittlelemondrizzle · 04/08/2016 14:17

I've tried NickiFury, he just gets defensive and dismisses what I say.

OP posts:

happypoobum · 04/08/2016 14:17

Oh dear. Then suggest you go to the same place but on a different day. Say that as he has repeatedly said you don't have the money, it will clearly be your only big day out this summer, so you want to spend it just you as a family.

To be honest, you are probably going to have it out with him and say you are unhappy with his excessive interest in the friend, what's he going to do about it. If he says "nothing" you have some big decisions to make.

BuzzzyBeee · 04/08/2016 14:17

Have you actually asked him? As in:-

"Hey, how come when I've suggested going out as a family you've bitten my head off and told me it's not happening as we can't afford it but when DCs friends Mum has suggested a more expensive trip you've suddenly decided that actually we do have the money and we are going?"

lyraj · 04/08/2016 14:18

Even if this were a male friend it's still more than a bit off he suddenly decides that you can afford the trip. He vetoed your suggestions, because of cost, surely you can do the same with this.

SandyY2K · 04/08/2016 14:18

Do you have access to his phone?

Does your husband drive?

Has he changed his sexual habits? More sex or less with you?
Going to the gym?

I'm sorry, but if he's not already having an affair with her, he really wants to. Why else would he bite your head off like that.

I'd personally refuse to go or have another cunning plan, that imvolved my DCs not going either, but that's me.

What do they talk about while the kids are playing. This seems like an affair right under your nose TBH.

Orangetoffee · 04/08/2016 14:21

You are not stupid, he is clearly infatuated with her (more than a little) as his behaviour and subsequent reactions prove.

Get it out in the open and don't let him accuse you of jealousy or that it is not fair on the kids.

SandyY2K · 04/08/2016 14:23

He's missing spending time with her now schools out. They don't see each other so much, so this is a great opportunity for him.

You will feel like a third wheel on this day out believe me.

None of it makes sense, unless he is emotionally invested in her or physically invested.

ConkersDontScareSpiders · 04/08/2016 14:23

I think your gut is telling you there is something up here. Trust it and tread carefully. As pp said maybe just say to him, off the cuff, 'you do know you are acting a lot like you fancy her?' See how he reacts.it will hopefully give you some insight.
As a disclaimer my best friend had an affair with my husband and I had no clue for a year and a half so I probably can't be relied apon for an objective opinion.but it sounds a bit dodgy from what you've said.sorry op.

228agreenend · 04/08/2016 14:23

Maybe it is like another poster said it is a case of not wanting to loose face over lack of money etc.

As you are invited as well, whyndon't you go on the trip and see what he is like around her, or vice versa. Is there any flirting going on from either side? Watch how they interact with each other. It may give you clues as to whether it's just a platonic relationship, an emotional affair (which I suspect) or a full-on affair.

I'd be suspicious as well.

Original poster

justalittlelemondrizzle · 04/08/2016 14:25

Hard to say SandyY2K. He's been ill recently so there hasn't been alot of that going on anyway. He does drive and I could have access to his phone if I wanted to. I dont know what they talk about. They just chat at the door.
I really had no thoughts on the matter until today when his position on trips out changed.

OP posts:

happypoobum · 04/08/2016 14:25

I don't think it's an affair, unless OP is a teacher. If it were an affair I would have thought they would arrange the Big Day Out on a date when OP couldn't go.

Sounds more to me like he is totally entranced by her. I would be livid.

ConkersDontScareSpiders · 04/08/2016 14:25

They used to ask me to go on their days out and to gigs etc...I just thought we were all three going as friends or all out with the kids as part of a wider group-i and no idea I was standing in the middle being so massively mugged off.so them you along is no guarantee of anything really.

candybar007 · 04/08/2016 14:27

You could be my friend I mentioned earlier, would advise getting all your ducks lined up.

ConkersDontScareSpiders · 04/08/2016 14:27

Then asking you along that was meant to say.

LoreleiGilmoreIsMyBFF · 04/08/2016 14:27

I think you should insist you do something as a family. If you go with both of the, you are going to be on high alert and feel extremely stressed and quite possibly, very unhappy. You will be watching every interaction between them and driving yourself insane. Don't do it. Speak to him tonight and ask him outright why he is prioritising her over you.

EweAreHere · 04/08/2016 14:29

You need to be able to talk to him about this, because it does sound off from where you're sitting.

No money for a single family outing you've suggested, but suddenly he can afford an expensive outing that this other woman has suggested?

Lump of dad when it's you and the kids, but Dad of the Year when she's around?

Won't even consider your perspective but went straight on the defensive when queried?

I would tell him no, they can't go. He was happy to veto your suggestions without hesitation. So agree that there's no money for it; he said it himself to you. And if there is all of a sudden, the special expensive outing will wait until you can come, too, as a family unit spending time together.

I would also insist he at least hear you out on how you are viewing how different he is when she's around, and how her ideas are great when yours were dismissed out of hand. Tell him how it makes you feel and ask him to think about it for a while before responding.

SandyY2K · 04/08/2016 14:30

Well I'd check if there have been texts or calls over a normal level between them.

Are you saying he just drops your DCs off at her house or does he stay while they play?

Original poster

justalittlelemondrizzle · 04/08/2016 14:30

In fairness they could have organised it for any day but he has organised it for the day I am off work next week.

OP posts:

happypoobum · 04/08/2016 14:36

I thought she had organised the day out with her DC and then your DH said you were all going as well? That's what the OP implied anyway.

I would tell him no. You will do to that place if it's suddenly somewhere he doesn't mind spending money on, but not with her. You just won't enjoy it now will you?

sunnydayinmay · 04/08/2016 14:41

Sounds like he fancies her, she likes the attention and they enjoy each other's company.

I would be having SERIOUS WORDS with your DH. It's all about respect for you, and not crossing the invisible line between friendship and emotional involvement, and it certainly shouldn't be upsetting you.

You need to tell him upfront that you are worried and upset.

OohMavis · 04/08/2016 14:46

He fancies her, definitely. And he's making a fool of himself.

Missgraeme · 04/08/2016 14:49

If u get a sneaky moment together u cud let her in on some of dh's disgusting habits??

Bogeyface · 04/08/2016 14:53

Make it clear that until he talks to you about the way he has been behaving to you and around her then you will assume the worst and proceed on that basis.

If he cant convince you that he isnt having an affair then you will have to assume that he is and if that means divorce then so be it.

One of two things will happen, either he will realise what a dick he has been, or dig his heels in even more. But you need to see it through.

Shesinfashion · 04/08/2016 14:54

The main point seems to be the money issue. Everything else seems innocent enough, you've been included in said expensive outing.

He needs to explain how you as a family can suddenly afford this trip.

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