So fed up of dh's attitude to money

[MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig]

Had a lovely day out with the dds today. A real treat, out with friends, nice lunch, trip to the theatre. A lovely day. Came home and told dh all about it and how it was a bit of an extravagant treat and could he top the joint account up for the school holidays and he went up the wall.

Apparently I spend too much. Like I do that sort of thing every day. Then he started bringing other stuff into the row, stuff I'd already paid for with my own money. He's far better off than me and they're not just my children so why are they my financial responsibility when they're off school? He is the breadwinner and pays all the bills, I'm a sahm but I earn a little bit, enough to contribute here and there.

He's a high earner and we don't have any money worries. Well apart from the usual cost of living. He's just had a massive overtime pay cheque. He's not hard up. He says I spend too much - I don't - it's the bloody school holidays and the occasional trip out is nice.

So fed up of the continuous control over the purse strings. Apparently he's 'had to tell me' to reign it in. I've told him he's a miserable fucker who sucks the joy out of life and to fuck off. Why the fuck is it up to him? He's so like his father. He was a tight git too.

How can I move forward? We've just had a massive row. We hardly ever row. Whenever we do though it's about money. We never go out, we don't smoke or drink, we don't drive flash cars, we never go abroad. I buy a bit of pottery because it makes me fucking happy. More so than he does, just lately.

I can't give him too hard a time, I know he's very worried about his dad who's not well but Christ, if I get one more patronising lecture about money I might actually divorce him. I'd be better off if I did, I'd get half the house, the money and the pension!

[EarthboundMisfit]

Do you have a budget with money allocated for different things? If not, could you sit down together and plan one?

[WhisperingLoudly]

miracle horrified?! What on earth do you expect the OP to be doing during the holidays? OP has clearly said its not an every day spend. In the absence of any suggestion they're skint it's hardly unreasonable and why on earth should the OP be expected to obtain permission to spend money entertaining the DC

[MiracletoCome]

We have an income of about £65k for just 2 of us and I certainly wouldn't have spent that without mentioning it first.

[MrsMcBoatface]

Adorabelle I hope this argument won't tarnish your DCs memories of a nice day out. It's nice to have a special treat once in a while (I'm looking back now as my DCs are much older) and the cost can be considerable, I'm sure you have some nice days out which are cheaper as well so the big picture is more balanced. When the summer is over they're talking about what they did over the holiday they'll probably mention it as a highlight.

I think the issue isn't whether you were right or wrong to spend the money, it's your DHs failure to put yours and the DCs feelings above his reaction. In his mind it's more important that he gets you to think of him first and his role in it all. Perhaps he felt a pang of envy that he couldn't be there, or he had a hard day at work, in any case he shouldn't have the right to ruin your day.

Perhaps the reaction was because you asked him for the money first rather than sharing the excitement about the day with him.

Reading your post just made me remember how long and difficult summers can be with kids to entertain. But I also worked full time for Part of the time when my kids were young and I remember having to hand over about £100 per day for childcare and that was 10 years ago. And if they were doing anything like zoo or swimming I had to pay more plus feel excluded from the outing! So it's not as simple as just saying 'get a job'.

[Unicornsarelovely]

I gave a salary about the same as your DH's (DH works too) and I wouldn't spend that without a lot of humming and ha-ing about whether we could afford it. I'd certainly raise it with DH beforehand.

I'm probably just tight too though.

[redhat]

Attitudes to money are so interesting. Our family income is significantly higher than the OPs but I still think thats a fairly expensive day out and would have discussed it with DH.

Surely the fact that you'd had an expensive family day out the week before is relevant. That will be one of the reasons that he felt you were extravagant doing it again so soon.

[Fairylea]

There is a lack of budgeting and a lack of communication. The way we do it is to set a budget for the holidays, then no one over spends and no one is surprised.

In our personal circumstances dh would have been upset if we went to the theatre / dinner etc as we only do that sort of thing as a family and he would have felt completely left out. For us that would have been akin to spending a weekend away or something like that. It's also a lot of money to spend without consulting the other person. We tend to discuss something if it's more than £50 from the joint account just incase the other person had something planned and then it's suddenly £100 plus out of the joint account.

We both have equal spending money which we transfer to our own bank accounts to spend however we wish. We don't ever consult each other about spending this (about £200 a month). Do you have equal spending money to your dh?

[Bohemond]

I am the main (pretty much sole) earner in my household. I pay for everything and bear all of the financial worry that goes with it. It is hard and I would prefer it to be otherwise.

If my DH had gone off and spent that amount of money on a day out with no discussion beforehand I would have been pretty pissed off.

[43percentburnt]

I think it depends on your outgoings at home. If you have a £150 mortgage, £90 council tax, £90 gas/elec, £30 on water, etc etc. Run one small car, owned outright,and walk most places. Spend £60 a week on food, cheap mobiles. Then he is being unreasonable.

Conversely if your mortgage is £900, council tax £170, gas and electricity £130, food £150 a week, 2 cars with car loans - then it seems excessive to spend £120 without all the family going.

[ShebaShimmyShake]

50k is a high salary but a low household income for a family of four. That kind of money and trip out should not be taken without discussion. I've every respect for sahps, (though your kids sound old enough for you to return to work on some basis), but you really don't seem to have any respect for your husband's contribution. Your post doesn't come over well, to be honest. I wondered if you were for real.

My husband and I have a combined income of almost 70k and we wouldn't drop £120 without thought or discussion.

[AyeAmarok]

If you don't know what your family outgoings are then I think it probably would have been a good idea to let him know about the trip beforehand.

It might be that things are really tight and £120 can't easily be absorbed if not planned for.

[bakingaddict]

I earn similar to your DH and it's not uncommon for me to spend that sort of money on a day out with the kids. It's just the price of things going for a meal in somewhere like Wagamama will cost about £40 for me and the kids and even using things like 2 4 1 vouchers that sort of day out costs. I think it would be a pretty joyless existence if I had to get permission from my DH to treat the children on school hols. As a pp stated if the kids had to go to holiday club then a large portion of that £120 would go on childcare costs and at least the kids have had a memorable day.
My DH never minds if I've done something with the kids without him as we do lots together as a family so unless your DH is constantly excluded then its a lame excuse to say days out should always include him

[ToastDemon]

OP has said that her DH spends a similar amount without checking with her, people seem to be missing the unfairness aspect.

[redhat]

But if the DC had to go to holiday club it would be because the OP was working and bringing in more money presumably and so the issue wouldn't arise in the same way.

[Bearsinmotion]

There are two many factors we don't know. Our joint income is higher than £50k but £120 would be a lot to us. Also I manage the money and while I might plan a day trip for us all for £120, if DP did it on spec we might be screwed for that month.

On the other hand, "He's far better off than me" . Why? DP and I have earnt varying amounts during our relationship. Once we had the Dv (and from a long time before actually), neither of us were better off than the other - the main breadwinner may have changed and family income fluctuated but neither of us were better off just because we earnt more.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

He probably regards all the money as solely his money; it was not a problem when he spent more.

I realise that his dad is not well at present but its still no reason or justification for his telling you that you are spending "too much" (in his head). I would think this has been a running problem throughout all of your marriage. His mother's attitudes have likely rubbed off on him as well; what with her "his money and his decision" attitude.

There is a large power and control imbalance in your relationship when it comes to money and he seems to have the vast majority of the power and control when it comes to the finances. My guess is that he has always been obtuse when it comes to any discussion on finances.

How much say do you actually get in the financial decisions made in your home?. Does he primarily make the decisions?.

You've written it yourself; you are fed up with the continuous control over the purse strings. He is very much like his father who from all accounts acts the same as his son, your H, does. We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents including attitudes to money. This power imbalance could be seen as financial abuse; he is using money to control you and your actions.

[MimiSunshine]

But he didn't spend £150 on a whim or just for himself did he? OP said it was a similar family day out.

Surely no asks 'permission' on a family day out, one person suggests going to X then Y for dinner and the other agrees, therefore the agreement has been made to spend the money.

What he objected to was another similar amount being spent so quickly. And then the assumption that the shortfall would just be replaced.

However OP where are you expecting the shortfall to come from? Does all money go into an account that you both can access or does his wage go to him first and then into a joint account?

That maybe what you need to sort out but I still think it was a lot to spend

[Oblomov16]

At first I thought your dh was very controlling and was shocked at the majority of the first lot of posts giving you a hard time.
But I suppose when you think about it £120 is a lot.
Are you planning on working?

[redhat]

It isn't financial abuse

They have already had a family day out that month costing £150.

That in itself will clearly impact on the ability to have other such family days out that month.

OP has just gone and spent the money without family discussion (or full family involvement) and then said she needs more money. DH says watch the finances you're spending too much what with unplanned days out and pottery purchases.

If anything the OP is the one being manipulative with the money by spending money without discussion when it hasn't been budgeted for.


TBH if this post had been written in a different way it might have evoked a slightly different response but the OPs attitude and language is awful.

[Whathaveilost]

I get your point.
I couldn't be with someone who moans about how much money is spent especially if we are comfortable. This is the stuff I used to do when the boys were small and DH used o come home , sit down and gather the boys up and get them to tell him about their great days out ( sometimes it was free days in the park or woods and other days a day out to a themed park. We would always have treats) Every morning DH would ask how much money I needed and then add an extra £20, just in case.

I had a boyfriend before DH that would quiz me as to why I needed a new lipstick and why did I buy that one when there are cheaper ones. He would ask why I never went to the sale rails first in shops. I knew pretty quick I would be in for a life time of penny counting misery.

I don't know what your answer is OP. Your boys are only young once I miss school holidays and days out with them but it must be awful if you can't be spontaneous and do stuff you want because you are upset if in case it causes a row.

[Joysmum]

I'm happy when my DH has fun days out, he's happy when I do...because we both want each other, and our DD, to be happy.

Income is household income, expenditure comes out of that and the rest divided equally into our individual current accounts to save or spend. I'd never accept having to ask my DH if I could spend £120 be it for a family day out, a treat for me or a gift or charity! Doing it our way means we don't have to and allows us to prioritise our own spending as we see fit.

Mumsnet is great because it makes me realise how lucky we are and gives insight into why so many marriages fail. Partners aren't equal partners and having to ask the other if you can go out and spend money really seems archaic. There's really no need for it.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

mimi

I agree with your first two paragraphs.

Re your comment:-
"What he objected to was another similar amount being spent so quickly. And then the assumption that the shortfall would just be replaced".

I think he has objected because OP took the children out and spent what he likely regards as solely his money.

Re the second sentence I am wondering if this happened because there are actually insufficient funds in what he sees "her" account. Has he decided (without discussion) that £.. is the set allowance given to his wife. If that is so that is in itself demeaning to OP.

Does all money go into an account that you both can freely access or does his wage go to him first and then into a joint account?

If I was to make a wild guess I would think he has kept most of "his" money for his own self. It would not surprise me at all if he paid an "allowance" into an account for her use separate from the one in which his salary is paid into.

[Sidge]

I can sort of see why he'd be a bit pissed off.

He probably works long hours in a fairly high pressure job to be on £50k plus, and given that he's done a ton of overtime to pull in a huge overtime payment he's probably knackered. To have his wife waltz in after a lovely day out and say "top up the account will you love, I've spent a fair bit today" may have been the final straw.

That doesn't excuse his attitude but I know I'd be a bit pissed off to be viewed by my partner as a cash machine, especially when I've been at work and can't be a part of that lovely day out as I've been slogging to fund it.

I do find this "my money and his money" split in families strange where there is only one main earner as it creates a divide in financial power. I'd prefer one account for "our" money, but on the understanding that all big spends are negotiated.