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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP will not take time off work and I am sick...

100 replies

hadenoughofit37 · 03/08/2016 18:16

He's going away tomorrow on business trip!. hospital calls today to confirm severe pneumonia on my X-ray a few days ago - said I should rest let antibiotics work. School hols, swimming run every day. toddler running about. Stressed.

Is it too much to expect him to take time off to take care of children. No family to rely on. I am so angry with him for being selfish, reason I have pneumonia is that I have not got over previous illnesses due to no time off.

OP posts:

HeteronormativeHaybales · 03/08/2016 19:18

I semi-carried on with pneumonia, incl sending dh on a work trip (I really sent him, he would have stayed home), doing school runs etc. I recovered but had crap chest health for the best part of the year that followed - repeated nasty chest infections, a query over bronchoectasis (which you really don't want to have) at one point and several courses of ABs - so it perhaps wasn't the smartest move.

In terms of your immediate health, YANBU. But I do think there are probably wider factors at play here. What do you mean by 'passive income'? Are your and dh's finances separate? Does he feel the need to push his career because you remind him you have more money than him (not sure 'earn' is the right work if you don't work) and 'don't get' his job (rather hurtful thing to say tbh)? Not even trying to rearrnage work commitments to care for a spouse with severe pneumonia is rather drastic and I am wondering what has gone on beforehand.

Phillipa12 · 03/08/2016 19:19

Pneumonia hospitalised my little girl, she never came home.........get an emergency nanny and then tell that sorry excuse for a partner to fuck off out off your life for good.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 03/08/2016 19:19

I'm sorry you are ill OP. I have had pneumonia and you need to rest

I don't care about his job it is too far from the family house (3.4 hour round trip every day) and he puts too much effort into it, he is senior manager but as I earn more than him I just don't get it

This statement however isn't good and is probably a good indication as to why he has said no especially if you have said this sort of stuff to him in the past.

notapizzaeater · 03/08/2016 19:20

He sounds like a real twat. It's nit like you are asking for a silly reason.

I'd tell him to go and not higher coming back

Finola1step · 03/08/2016 19:20

Oh and in your situation, his behaviour amounts to child neglect as he is prepared to leave his dc in the care of the other parent who is clearly unable to care for them properly.

Before others jump in, yes I do understand that lone parents get ill and have to cope. In my professional capacity, I have known many children to enter into temporary foster care when a lone parent has an illness like pneumonia, if it is severe enough.

FantasticButtocks · 03/08/2016 19:22

Even if it's 'non-negotiable' how can she make him take the time off? He has said he won't. He sounds absolutely horrible op, not loving, not cherishing, not actually giving a shit. If the hospital had rung to say you must go back in immediately, what would he do then I wonder?

In fact, can you ring them back to discuss, and actually tell them about your predicament, tell them your husband isn't taking it seriously and is about to leave you alone with the dcs for a week. I wonder what they would recommend you do. Perhaps you could ask your doctor to have a word with him so that he understands what is required.

Otherwise... Could you pack a bag and when he gets home tell him you're going to a hotel hospital and he'll have to make arrangements for the DCs, then just leave?

BeMorePanda · 03/08/2016 19:24

Go to a hotel or to stay with friends/family and leave him to it?

He really needs to look after his children so you can get better.

I'm really not surprised to hear you are thinking of leaving.

happypoobum · 03/08/2016 19:26

Phillipa So sorry to hear that.

happypoobum · 03/08/2016 19:27

I agree with buttocks I would get a friend to sit with the DC and go off to a hotel if you are well enough to get in a taxi and travel? When DH comes home your friend can just say you have gone to a "facility to recover".

Wanker!

JustAnotherPoster00 · 03/08/2016 19:33

'his behaviour amounts to child neglect'

only on MN........i despair

AnnieOnnieMouse · 03/08/2016 19:37

Hire an emergency nanny, or local student to play with your toddler and help with the house. I was in and out of hospital, on bedrest, etc for 4 months, and that was what I did, so DH could get to work reliably, ds was cared for safely and I didn't have to worry. I also had a cleaner in for a few hours a week for a few years.
You've got the income, as you say, so why not invest it in your health and wellbeing, rather than risk your DH messing up his job, even if you don't value it, he does.

Wdigin2this · 03/08/2016 19:40

Good grief, I don't care if he's the chairman of a multinational conglomerate....you are really ill with a potentially life threatening condition, of course he must make arrangements to be there to look after HIS children. What will be the situation if you end up in hospital....will he expect you to take them with you?!!

IsItGinTimeYet · 03/08/2016 19:40

You are right to be considering your relationship. Hope you get some rest, you need it.

Cabrinha · 03/08/2016 19:42

Sounds like there is one hell of a back story here.

Regardless, pneumonia is serious, he should be looking after his children.

But I am shocked at how utterly dismissive of his job you are. Do you speak to him like that?!

If so, I suspect that the pair of you are at the end of your tethers with each other, and this refusal might have an interesting context.

happypoobum · 03/08/2016 19:45

Well yes, he obviously values his job, but not OP.

I cannot imagine a situation where I would fuck off for a week leaving someone I loved in this situation, dangerously ill, and expect them to look after my precious children.

I would be beyond livid if I were OP. I would probably set fire to his passport or something......

EweAreHere · 03/08/2016 19:46

Wow.

It sounds like your marriage isn't much of a marriage, OP. And he doesn't sound like much of a father to not be worried about you driving the children about and taking care of them while you're struggling with pneumonia! What if you collapse? What then?

I'd go it alone rather than stay with someone like that. Find emergency childcare help and kick him to the kerb.

TheWildRumpyPumpus · 03/08/2016 19:48

There's a story here that we aren't getting.

RepentAtLeisure · 03/08/2016 19:52

You sound pretty hard work tbh ...

I'm assuming you're making a joke, but you could be a bit clearer about it...

If he can't be there for you when you have pneumonia ffs, then I'd suggest the first thing you do when you're well is see a solicitor.

Hobbitfeet32 · 03/08/2016 19:53

No question here. Pneumonia is serious. He should cancel the trip.

Cabrinha · 03/08/2016 19:53

Ah. Searched your username.
You will be happier when you leave him OP. Did you follow up with speaking to Women's Aid after you posted before?
Get your older child into a holiday club and use any friends you can to help out so you get some rest.
And when you're well, speak to Women's Aid to get support for your plan to leave

RepentAtLeisure · 03/08/2016 19:54

I really don't think someone with pneumonia should be heading off to a hotel by themselves, but then they shouldn't be alone with dc's to look after either! Ring round your family and friends, you shouldn't be the only adult in the home right now.

Cabrinha · 03/08/2016 19:54

And I apologise for my comment about you being dismissive of his job. So what if you are.
He's a total arsehole.

Original poster

hadenoughofit37 · 03/08/2016 19:56

Thanks for all your wonderful replies. Apologies if I came across negatively, I am just at the end of the road as feel so so very very ill. Plus screaming kids to control. i do care about his job and glad he has one - but he values it more than me and the children. My 75 year old relative is going to stay over now. Shes a lifesaver and gave me some really sound advice about getting better then getting out! Ive got a long road to climb but thank you for all your help. Might try to get care when ill written in custody documents!

OP posts:

EarthboundMisfit · 03/08/2016 19:57

While I find your comments about his job pretty unreasonable, I don't think needing help right now is negotiable. He either needs to take time off, or, if he can't (which sounds reasonable given his career), alternative childcare needs to be found. Swimming etc may have to be cancelled. Do you have friends who would pitch in?

Dontyoulovecalpol · 03/08/2016 19:59

I don't understand people who say he can't take time off. What if he had pneumonia? He wouldn't be expected to go so it's clearly possible.

It's normal to take time off in times like this. Totally normal

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