Lies

[Myfathersglove]

NC for this, I'm in pieces, I know what I have to do but guess I need validation. DH has lied before, not about anything massively bad just stupid lies to cover his arse when he's done something he knows I might not be happy about. I have a real aversion to lies and liars, I hate that feeling that I'm being/have been deceived to the point it makes me feel sick with anger. I think my reaction does border on extreme/unreasonable, I can't trace it back to a particular incident, all I know is that it makes me feel stupid and humiliated and I struggle with those feelings.

So I found out last night he has lied again, I told him last time if it happened once more that would be the end of us and still he's done it again. The thing he's lied about doesn't matter, it would have been no big deal if he'd come and spoken to me about it, it's the lie I'm upset about. I've told him over and over there's nothing he can tell me that would be as bad as lying, that I will do my best to work through anything as long as he's honest with me. I've been utterly consistent, the only real deal breakers in our marriage are lying and cheating, he knows that and I don't think I'm asking too much.

It took months last time for me to get anywhere close to trusting him again, it turned me into a paranoid mess and I don't like the person I become when I feel like that. I really thought he finally understood, that I'd convinced him he could tell me anything and I wouldn't react badly just as long as he was honest.

I don't understand why he's done it, there is no logical reason I can see. He says he did it to protect me but I honestly can't see why he thought I needed protecting, it wasn't anything I couldn't handle perfectly well and I truly can't see why he thought otherwise. If that really was the justification he used in his own mind I find it totally arrogant that he thought he had the right to decide for me that I couldn't handle it and I'm not sure whether that isn't just as bad as my alternative theory, which is that he just likes having secrets, gets some kind of kick out of sneaking around and keeping things from me.

The arrogance option makes me angry but the idea that he likes sneaking around makes me feel utterly humiliated. I know I react badly to that feeling, probably more so than the average person but I can't tell if that means I over react or whether it's a relatively 'normal' response to feeling I've been taken for a mug.

I think I have to end it, I don't think I can face trying to rebuild trust again and, if I give him yet another chance, it feels like I'm giving him permission to do it again because I said last time it would be the end if he lied again. But the thing he lied about is stupid and inconsequential and, in itself, is a stupid reason to blow our lives (and our child's) apart. So, tell me honestly, is my reaction to being lied to out of proportion? Is this abject fear of being humiliated making this seem a bigger deal to me than it actually is? Please help me get some perspective, I'm sorry this is so long.

[Leefr200]

Depends on the lie imo

Does my bum look big in this- no dear

Fact: everyone male/female lies!

Do you lie to your children about Santa Claus?
Tooth fairy?

As a bloke I will tell u now we lie to make u happy we lie because we don't think and we lie to protect I'm an extremely bad liar my wife can tell straight away so I tend not to about anything important but little things like nope I haven't used your deodorant or your bath stuff- when I have

So to me op it rly depends what it's about

[harrypoooter]

I think it depends on what the lie is. Bringing drugs into the house with DD I would be pissed off about (even though until about 7 years ago I was a occasional drug used).

If it was a small lie like he didn't tell you that you were both invited to an event because his ex would be there- fair enough. Some lies can be told to protect us and that's fine. I tell lies, we all do!

But it is up to you to decide the tipping point pf your relationship. I wouldn't say a bag of weed is a deal breaker (breaker of home and relationship) but that's just me....

[Hawkmoth]

See I was really worried about OP but now it's been mansplained it's all going to be fine I'm sure.

[toptoe]

When he says he can't explain it he really means he was hoping you wouldn't find out and he wants to smoke drugs. He can't explain why he did it because he doesn't think it's wrong.

How are you going to find out how much he's using if he's a liar? That's your biggest problem. Alongside the fact that he thinks not telling you he's still using is 'protecting' you.

I think it's time to discuss his drug use frankly. Is he likely to do that?

[Leefr200]

Oh is it to do with drugs I haven't read the thread?

Yeah drugs are a massive deal breaker for me especially when there's children in the house

[CiaoVerona]

As a bloke I will tell u now we lie to make u happy we lie because we don't think and we lie to protect I'm an extremely bad liar my wife can tell straight away so I tend not to about anything important but little things like nope I haven't used your deodorant or your bath stuff- when I have

Speak for yourself, you sound like you're justifying your lies because its a male thing to protect women. What a load of rubbish.

[Myfathersglove]

Just to clarify, he hasn't been using, the bag he fetched was the first in a long long time, the whole point is that he bought it because he was going to be working away, he wouldn't have the opportunity to use at home without me knowing about it, largely because I would know in an instant if he came home stoned and can smell the merest speck of the stuff from a mile away.

I am pissed off he brought it into the house but it was well out of DD's reach until I got the case down to put his last few clothes in it, that doesn't excuse it though and, however this turns out, it won't be happening again.

I just feel worn out by it all now, he's away til the weekend and I've said he can come home then to talk, he's away again as of Monday so that will give me time to make some decisions after we've talked.

I still don't know what I'm going to do, I take everyone's point that kids do cope but I can't help but worry that the implications are greater for DD because of the school situation. There's no way I could carry on home educating, I would have to work without his income even taking maintenance into account so her life would change in every possible way, I can't pretend the thought of doing that to her doesn't break my heart.