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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should he have told me?

80 replies

KeepItToYourselfPlease · 31/07/2016 15:49

Ex has DC this weekend. Just messaged me to say he will be late dropping back today as he is in a seaside town with DC over 200 miles away.

I have no problem with him taking DC to the seaside, that's lovely, but it was a shock to get the message out of the blue that they were so far away. I'd assumed they were 20 minutes down the road.

I've messaged to say I'm not happy that he didn't let me know their plans until now. He's says I'm overreacting. I don't expect to be told their every move during his weekends but it just didn't feel right my child being so far away and I had no idea.

Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
Pearlman · 31/07/2016 17:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TimeforaNNChange · 31/07/2016 17:29

honey what if there was an emergency?

If something happens involving the OP, then her DS is safe with his dad, and a message can be got to him, just as if he was local.

If something happens to the OPs ex, then she would be notified and her DS would be kept safe until she could retrieve him.

If something happened to the OPs DS, then whether she knew in advance or not that they were on a day trip, she would have to make the same journey. Unless you are proposing that she travel to spend the day nearer to her DS if her Ex tells her they are going on a trip? Eugh. As I said, my ex used to do that Angry

honeyandmarmitesandwiches · 31/07/2016 18:15

What nonsense, as I clearly said it's about communication, it's not rocket science. Maybe your perspective is different if your ex was like that but there's no need to project that onto someone else's situation.

honeyandmarmitesandwiches · 31/07/2016 18:19

Pearlman I disagree, why is it not a reasonable expectation? A simple text isn't hard is it? Not everyone has to have identical views to yours on shared parenting, what matters is that the OP comes to an arrangement she and her ex are comfortable with, telling your child's other parent that you're taking them away for the day is just a no brainier to me and not something that would impinge on your time with your child in any way so if the OP prefers that then what's the problem?

Goingtobeawesome · 31/07/2016 18:24

I'm still with DH and I remember a jolt when he said he was taking the kids to X then texted when arrived to say they'd gone to Y instead.

It would have been nice if he had told you and I understand why you're feeling like you are.

I'd just make light of it when he gets back so it doesn't become a big issue.

AnneElliott · 31/07/2016 18:40

I don't think Yabu Op. I can imagine this first time feels very raw.

Ignore the sneery posts. MN is like the worst competitive parent routine sometimes.

Wallywobbles · 31/07/2016 18:43

The quicker you get used to the idea that everyone is moving on the better. So new partners are pretty much none of the exs business. Same in regards to how everyone spends their time. It's hard but it gets easier.

Original poster
KeepItToYourselfPlease · 31/07/2016 18:46

Just a little update......

They got a flat tyre on the way back, ex only has a space saver tyre that he can't drive more than 50 miles on. Great trip preparation.

Waiting 2 hours for the RAC. DC has had no dinner. Fucks sake.

OP posts:
babba2014 · 31/07/2016 18:48

I think it would have been nice to tell you. I mean, even as couples we tend to tell the other half if we're going several hours away with the kids or even close by plans.
I know you're not together anymore but it would feel reassuring. Maybe you can tell him from now on just a quick text or mention. There's nothing wrong in soothing a mummy's heart even if you trust him. It's not like you want the entire plan. Just that they'll be several hours away.

TinyDancer69 · 31/07/2016 18:59

OP - I totally understand how you feel. If it were me (my ex refused to tell me where they were going on holiday but I found out anyway)my concern wouldn't be a trust issue with ex DP but more about if something were to happen and your child was 200 miles away and you had to be there quickly..that's different than 20 mins down the road. So yes, your DP can do what he likes when it's his weekend, but a reasonable person would mention such a distance. I do although my ex does not...it will get easier, I promise you that and you will come to value the down time CakeBrew

TimeforaNNChange · 31/07/2016 19:04

Unless you are going to micromanage his contact then there's nothing you can do.
He has to learn these lessons for himself - just like all parents.

I'm sure there are plenty of DCs who've been stuck in their parents broken down car waiting for recovery because one of the adults didn't do all the necessary checks in advance.

It's just one of those things. Reserve your energy for fighting the things that matter - whether that's selecting a school, ensuring he's well rested before exams or not being removed from school for a holiday.

Being late back after a fun day isn't really worth the headspace you're giving it.

RandomMess · 31/07/2016 19:06

How annoying re the flat tire - however that is life!!!!

Yes it is very hard to adjust and literally it is a case of what the DC do during their contact time with the non-resident parent is non of your concern unless it's the sort of neglect or abuse social services would take an interest in.

Oh and yes it's very unfair when the other parent become a "Disney Dad"

However bite your tongue, smile, "hope you had a lovely day", shut the door and ensure that an opportunity for an ex to score points or being controlling over contact time is minimised.

Flowers
Pearlman · 31/07/2016 20:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

aintnosunshinewhenbriesgone · 31/07/2016 20:36

Hi OP
I was in a similar situation about a year ago & got a total flaming on here. It gave me a great big wake up call but I get where you're at - it sucks!
I've slowly got used to the fact that my ex is bloody annoying and selfish has his ways of doing things & two years down the line, I'm loads more relaxed about it all but still have the occasional Confused
Adjusting & letting go are hard.
Hope things get easier for you, love

HermioneJeanGranger · 31/07/2016 20:49

It is frustrating, OP. But what's happened doesn't make him a bad parent or irresponsible. Loads of parents have been out with DC and broken down, gotten a flat tyre or gotten stuck in traffic so DC end up having a late dinner/McDonald's/falling asleep in the car on the way home.

I totally understand why you're annoyed, but your DC is with their dad. He'll look after them and DC will be okay. Tired, maybe, but it's not the end of the world. These things happen Flowers

Original poster
KeepItToYourselfPlease · 31/07/2016 21:00

I know. I just miss DC, as was dropped off at Friday lunch time
I count down the hours until its drop back time.

OP posts:
honeyandmarmitesandwiches · 31/07/2016 21:23

Pearlman the other parent needs to be respectful in this situation then and put himself out a bit. Obviously nobody can force him but in my opinion it's not an unreasonable expectation at all.

Cary2012 · 31/07/2016 21:42

OP, I think you've had some harsh comments. I imagine you missed your little ones, and were picturing them fairly close by. When you found out that they were 200 miles away, it hit you that you have no idea what they are doing in their dad time. It's very hard, but it will get easier. Don't get stroppy with your ex, but explain to him that adjusting to this is hard, and it would be great if he sent you a text now and then to keep you in the loop. I pined for my kids when they first stayed with their dad. I accepted it, but it hurt. But it got easier and it will for you too. Other posters found it easy, that's great but some of us struggle at the start and that is nothing to apologise for.

Pearlman · 01/08/2016 07:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

honeyandmarmitesandwiches · 01/08/2016 15:27

Pearlman, let's agree to disagree. I don't think it's pandering, obviously and I think if you have a child with someone basic communication shouldn't be beyond either of you. Obviously if you're not bothered about it that's up to you but OP is.

Montane50 · 01/08/2016 23:30

Fearing the wrath of other posters, can i ask something that was previously asked but i didn't see a reply? Does op keep her ex updated on dc whereabouts?

Also fearing the wrath, what part of having a space saver tyre (thats all i have!?), and being a paid member of the RAC makes it bad planning? Id say thats quite good planning tbh!
Reading your extremely defensive replies so far, to anyone who doesn't totally agree with all you say seems a silly approach on a forum, where by posting, you're literally inviting opinions (thats the whole point! ) otherwise perhaps start a blog where no negative comments are possible.

Mrstumbletap · 01/08/2016 23:38

I feel for you OP, I would feel the same, and your child is only 3 I would think shit my baby is really far away if he needed to go to hospital I couldn't be there in a flash!

Crappy for you, and I hope adjusting to this gets better. Ignore the snappy responses, you are not a robot and I get how you feel, you can't control it as its dad's decision where he goes, doesn't make it easy though.

Original poster
KeepItToYourselfPlease · 02/08/2016 14:49

Um, montane I think if you read the full post, you'll find that I did take opinions on board, I 'considered myself told' and explained the reasons why I might have overreacted to the shock of finding out my child was hundreds of miles away.

Because it has never happened before

I've always known where DC was at any given time. Pretty usual circumstances for most parents of small toddlers.

I have explained that I am finding this adjustment difficult. Yes, I'm sure it will get easier, but at the moment it is fucking hard.

My 'extremely defensive' replies were in response to posters who seemed devoid of empathy and understanding and used the opportunity to stick the boot in.

So, I don't think I need to start a blog - thanks all the same!
I will continue to post on this board, where for the most part people do understand that life is complicated, emotions are complex things and people don't always react to life's ups and downs in a text book fashion.

Perhaps you need to start posting in AIBU and leave the relationships board for people who want constructive and helpful advice when they're going through difficult times.

Sorry, was that a bit patronising?

OP posts:
JustAnotherPoster00 · 02/08/2016 15:04

OP if you tell him you over reacted nd that its gonna take a bit of a mental adjustment he might be grateful for your honesty nd feel more likely to inform you sooner/where they r going, fair play on him letting you know he was going to be late instead of leaving you to panic and wonder :)

Montane50 · 02/08/2016 15:55

Nobody is on here to stick the boot in. You ask for opinions and they are given, when you don't like the reply you have a hissy fit, complain bitterly and threaten to leave mn.
My apologies if you feel i should leave because you actually still haven't answered my very polite questions: do you inform your ex of the whereabouts of dc at all times?

How can you say being in the AA is poor planning?
Simple answers please -let's stay civilised shall we?