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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should he have told me?

80 replies

KeepItToYourselfPlease · 31/07/2016 15:49

Ex has DC this weekend. Just messaged me to say he will be late dropping back today as he is in a seaside town with DC over 200 miles away.

I have no problem with him taking DC to the seaside, that's lovely, but it was a shock to get the message out of the blue that they were so far away. I'd assumed they were 20 minutes down the road.

I've messaged to say I'm not happy that he didn't let me know their plans until now. He's says I'm overreacting. I don't expect to be told their every move during his weekends but it just didn't feel right my child being so far away and I had no idea.

Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
IHopeThatIDontFallInLove · 31/07/2016 16:09

Sorry, agree with the others. But you know now and you'll be more comfortable with it next time.

I'd love to find out my exh had taken the children on an impromptu trip to the seaside. Would be so much better than learning that they only left his bedroom and the PS4 to go to asda and back.

I don't tell their dad when I'm doing something with them, or taking them somewhere. I consult him on important things like, I wanted us to both be in agreement when DD had her ears pierced, for example, because it's a physical change I'm making to his daughter's body, but I don't consult him about haircuts or daytrips. And I would expect him to do the same. That's not the same as we don't communicate about things, but I wouldn't expect any more than you have had.

ChaCha You're not a freak, you're normal. It doesn't bother me either, I am more than just my children's mother and I have hobbies and interests that are difficult to include in a life with children and no family support. I also relish the time they are with their dad and I don't miss them or anything. It's fab, I get to be me.

Original poster
KeepItToYourselfPlease · 31/07/2016 16:10

What do you mean, what would I have done differently?

Obviously nothing differently.

Here's your cue to say :"oh well, what are you complaining about? What difference does it make........." off you go!

Sometimes I wonder why I post on MN, emotional ups and downs are sometime s so harshly judged.
I'm a mum of toddler who has had her family broken apart very recently. I'm finding it hard to adjust to all the massive changes in my life.

Today was the first time in almost 3 years where I didn't know where my child was. It bothered me. I'm not a fucking robot.

OP posts:
TimeforaNNChange · 31/07/2016 16:11

I guess it depends on how you parented as a couple - my ex had taken DD away many times when we were together; the first time was when she was 6 months, and when she was 4, he took her to the US for 2 weeks. When we split, it wasn't a big deal for him to be in charge.

If you've always been the primary parent, then trusting the man you've just split up with to suddenly fulfil that role is harder.

But, it is necessary. DCs deserve the opportunity to be parented by both their parents, whether or not those parents are together or separated.

IHopeThatIDontFallInLove · 31/07/2016 16:13

I disagree too, Choc.

I don't want to have to phone/text my exh and tell him my exact movements with the children. I'm entitled to have a life that doesn't involve him at all. I'm a perfectly capable parent, as is he, and I wouldn't appreciate the thought he was keeping tabs on me any more than I would feel the need to keep tabs on him.

What would happen if the other parent said, "no, sorry, I don't want you taking them there."?

NickiFury · 31/07/2016 16:16

Well I wouldn't feel comfortable with it either but you'll get told you're controlling and he can do what he wants as they're his kids too, which is probably true, but you're not wrong to feel a bit wobbly about it.

YabuDabbaDoo · 31/07/2016 16:16

OP I totally get it and the snarky comments on here are not worth your time. In the early days of a separation there are lots of conversations to be had about what does and doesn't suit all parties, while you all adjust.

Original poster
KeepItToYourselfPlease · 31/07/2016 16:16

I think from just this one instance posters are extrapolating that I want to have ultimate control over where DC is. Not the case at all. I wasn't suggesting he should have asked my permission, I'm not sure why this is even being discussed.

Simply that I would have preferred to be informed of long trips away.

OP posts:
NickiFury · 31/07/2016 16:18

Yes fuck the snarky comments off. MN is full of smuggards sticking the boot in these days. Don't worry about it, they're like it on every thread whatever the subject matter.

IHopeThatIDontFallInLove · 31/07/2016 16:20

OP You have to reframe how you see it.

So instead of you not knowing where your child was today, you have found out that your child is having an amazing adventure. One that neither of you knew about. You couldn't prepare them for it and they weren't expecting it.

You can both be excited about it when they return and they can 'tell' you all about it and you can talk about how lucky they are that they were able to have this wonderful adventure. And just think about how many more adventures there are out there to be had.

How do you feel when your child is with the childminder? I know that I used to love it if she'd been somewhere new or different or if we were out and a 'stranger' came over to say, "hello" and introduced themselves as someone from toddler group that the CM took DD to.

But I know that not everyone feels like that. I used to love the knowledge that this was the start of her independent life and that people, other than me, cared about her and wanted to know her and share experiences with her.

That's how you have to see it!

YabuDabbaDoo · 31/07/2016 16:22

So now you know that, is it worth mentioning how you feel to your ex, do you think? If you are on reasonable terms it could be worth it. Me and my ex chat regularly to try and ensure the other isn't struggling with things that can easily be resolved. Eg it took us ages to work out that deciding in advance who will feed the DC after a handover would be a good idea, as I was preparing lovely meals to welcome them home & then they would arrive fresh from McDonalds... Sounds obvious right? Well no, we had to work that out as we went along. You just can't forsee all the many adjustments that will be needed.

OurBlanche · 31/07/2016 16:23

Keep ignore it all. As you say, you aren't a robot.

IHope's post might help in the long run. You don't seem controlling, just a bit surprised and emotional... and to hell with anyone who tells you that is in anyway wrong!

Original poster
KeepItToYourselfPlease · 31/07/2016 16:24

Thank you Hope, that's lovely positive advice.

I'm absolutely comfortable with DC being with CM and others who care for them.
And as I said in my OP, I'm really pleased that DC had a day at the seaside. That's lovely.

It was just the distance I think that shocked me.
Irrational? It seems so. But as I said, I'm human.

OP posts:
Scarydinosaurs · 31/07/2016 16:26

If you have informed him every time you've taken a car journey that is 2+ hours, or if you've never taken the children that far away but in future would- then maybe just suggest that?

I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to know where they are (if I could put a tracking device in mine I think I would!) but with these situations you just need to set out expectations.

Suggest in future you both notify the other if you're going more than 2+ hours drive away, just in case of emergency. And have a wine. Everyone feels differently about these things, and your feelings are just as valid as anyone else's, it's all about how you deal with it that actually matters.

Original poster
KeepItToYourselfPlease · 31/07/2016 16:28

Thank you Blanche. Smile

Yabu, I'm afraid we're not on the best terms. Lets just say that this trip was the latest in the Disney Dad routine.

Real life stuff is ALL me.

Nevertheless, DC had a day out which is great.

OP posts:
ChaChaChaCh4nges · 31/07/2016 16:29

No, I don't think you sound controlling either. And thank you for finding kind words for me at such a difficult time for you. And I certainly don't think you sound like a bad mother either!

happypoobum · 31/07/2016 16:30

OP I think you are getting a bit of a bashing here!

I have been separated from XH since 2010 and out of sheer courtesy, either of us would have told the other that we were planning to take the DC somewhere that far away.

Not because either of of us are control freaks, or because we felt we could veto the others plans, but just because it's good open communication that helps us co parent effectively.

I do agree with PP that it gets easier. I still recall the first time XH took the DC on holiday for a week, and I cried myself stupid Blush

He is taking them away for 5 days soon and I am so excited to have the house to myself!

IHopeThatIDontFallInLove · 31/07/2016 16:31

Yeah, but next time, it won't seem quite so bad. It's just that this time it hadn't occurred to you that that was a possibility. That's all.

Make sure you spend your 'alone time' doing something meaningful for you. Don't spend it cleaning and doing batch cooking etc. spend that time building your own life and your child will benefit from having a happy and well balanced mum too.

Original poster
KeepItToYourselfPlease · 31/07/2016 16:43

Thank you for being kind Flowers

The way things are now has been incredibly difficult for me to come to terms with. I'd only ever spent an overnight apart from DC here or there before, and always knew where they were, as I assume most parents of 2 year olds do.

Its tough, but I'll get there!

OP posts:
YabuDabbaDoo · 31/07/2016 16:45

You will! I think these are natural feelings you're having. Sounds like you are doing really well. Just a bump in the (200 mile long) road!

Pearlman · 31/07/2016 16:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
KeepItToYourselfPlease · 31/07/2016 16:52

Pearlman read the thread, the childcare response was to a PP who referred to it.

He's not obliged to tell me, no, but doing so would be in the spirit of healthy co-parenting.

OP posts:
Original poster
KeepItToYourselfPlease · 31/07/2016 16:56

Thanks Yabu I'm certainly getting there Grin

OP posts:
Scarydinosaurs · 31/07/2016 16:58

Do you think you could ask him? Even couch it with "and of course I will notify you if I take them out of (the county?)" so that he can feel the spirit of your co parenting intentions?

honeyandmarmitesandwiches · 31/07/2016 17:08

I think he should have told you, absolutely. It's not controlling or not trusting the other parent or wanting to veto things, it's just communication. What if there was an emergency? Damn right I'd want to know where my son is at least within reasonable parameters, not locally but a day trip - of course! It's called co parenting and I'd do exactly the same! Don't understand the previous posters at all.

balence49 · 31/07/2016 17:11

Wouldn't bother me unless I was say expecting them home for 4pm and at 345 I got that txt. That would annoy me because by that time I would be waiting at home. And obviously they knew well before that time how far away they are and how long it takes to get home.