Frightened, fucked up and ready to hear it how it is

[duckandcover]

I've had an affair. I was in love. I wanted OM forever and I've never been so blindsided. He apparently was not actually that arsed after all. I need to keep going somehow or other though I just want to die and I have literally no idea where to start. The story is pathetic and usual but what do I do now? How do I pull myself together into a recognisable human being?

If the only reason you 'have to' focus on your husband and children is because the other man won't have you, you should leave them and let them do without you. They do not deserve to be second best just because you are to some ridiculous affair.

I agree with Lottiel. I wish my STBXH had been honest when he first developed feelings for someone else. He would have shown me some respect and I would have been in a position to be part of the fixing or part of the end of our marriage. He was spineless and lied and cheated right to the end.

The moment you made your DH an option he had the right to know. Now he has the right to know that the only reason you are with him and the children is because you were dumped by the other man.

He deserves more that you can ever offer him. Woman up, be honest and let him decide his own future.

Please don't stay with your DH because he's all you've got left. The poor guy will feel that the temperature of his marriage has changed and go mad wondering why, and trying to make you love him like you used to. Do him the kindness of telling him what happened and, if he still wants you, working through the mess together. If this isn't worked through properly you are at risk of doing it again, when your DH has wasted another two, five, ten years on a crap marriage.

Being lied to is the worst. The absolute worst. You need to tell him.

You coming forward and telling him rather than him suspecting or find out is so less soul crushing.

Your husband should have the opportunity to find a woman who loves him. Right now he's being denied that because of your selfishness and that's very unfair. Your problem among others is a lack of empathy, as you're only able to think about yourself.

Infidelity experts would say that you are stuck in the affair fog. MM are happy with the sex and will throw you under a bus with no hesitation.

In disbelief at some of the responses on here.
Depends how you define ill behaviour. Such double standards but, to be expected

Your DH needs and deserves to know. The damage has already been done by you cheating. Your marriage has been dealt a huge blow.
He has to be told so he can make an informed decision.
Take a deep breath and get it over with.
I appreciate you're hurting but what did you expect would happen? I
don't have an awful lot of sympathy. My sympathy is with your DH and your children.
Stop going on about the OM. He doesn't love you.
Your family love you.

You love OM?

Let you poor H know this.

He deserves way better than you staying with him just because you have been dumped.

You are still putting yourself fast and being very selfish.

OP...i do not agree with telling your DH.

If you have very recently ended your affair or posisbly the OM ended it for you , then you are currently in the worse period.
It may not be a good time to tell...you feel you want to , to assuage your guilt but is that fair on DH ? Plus in time you may look back and see this as a affair fog induced feeling and regret telling.
Honestly...you made a mistake, you are not the first or last this will happen to. You feel right now you love OM and your heart is broken but time and strict no contact will ease this, and when you see the affair and OM for what it / he is /was then you might be glad you have not told your DH.
It is time for pulling on your big girl pants and getting through it.
You fell for someone being interested, no doubt flattering you, making you feel amazing, sexy, beautiful etc and though it takes two to have an affair and you did make that decision , please stop being so hard on yourself, we are human and the feelings you get in an afair are like the most addictive drug.

Please just take some time and it is not necessarily the best thing to tell , for you or your Dh or your children.

lots of hugs.

can you really look him in the eye everyday knowing you've been lying

She's been doing that since the affair started. Living a double life.

OP - You have already had a seperation and got back with your DH. Despite your claims that he is a good man - he clearly isn't the man for you, otherwise you wouldn't have cheated on him. He may well be a great man, but something within you doesn't respect him or love him enough.

One may accept that a ONS is a mistake, but you've gone back to your OM time and again, with no thought for your husband.

You can't identify any marital issues that caused this and subconsciously you will have been distant and pulling away from your DH because your emotional attachment is with the OM.

Think about how good of a mother you are to risk the security and financial comfort of your DCs by having this affair.

You sound so incredibly selfish.

Please just take some time and it is not necessarily the best thing to tell , for you or your Dh or your children.

It's not best to know your wife has been having sex with another man, who could have been having sex with others and you could have a lifelong STD?

Your health is put at risk with exposure to herpes, HPV, HIV and a multitude of disease and you think you don't have a right to know?

You've had the fun and excitement of the affair and sex and now you pay the price. It's tough.

Personally if my partner had cheated, fallen in love with someone else, I would absolutely want to know. Yes, it probably would destroy my world for a time but in my eyes it would be unforgivable and I would want out. I would want to be allowed to make that decision for myself. You've lied to him enough, I certainly wouldn't want to be made a mug of any longer. You checked out of the relationship once you had the affair.
I'm trying to find some sympathy but I just can't.

theredjellybean imagine tomorrow you found out your DH or your sister's/friend's DH had been having an affair and that they were only with you/her as the second-best option as the OM stopped the affair . Also, that if another more reliable option came along you/they would be dumped?

It shows no respect for the partner that is innocent.

I don't suggest the OP blurts this out while drunk. I'd suggest asking family to look after the DCs for at least a weekend, then talking honestly about what has happened and why. When I found out I gave my ex the option of staying in the house or living away but working out what was best for us and our DCs. He decided to continue with the affair so that was the end.

If OPs DH wants to work at it that's fine, but he should know where he stands.

i think people often tell their spouses out of need to assuage their own guilt, and the arguement its better for the betrayed spouse to know than not , is not necessarily the best.

so if the Op is genuinely sorry for what has happened, and really wants to make her marriage work , then telling her DH and putting him through that may not be the best thing.
I know this against the greater wisdom of mumsnet but i think she should suck it up, get some counselling, deal with her feelings of hurt/heartbreak , because yes they are real to her, even if they are actually due to affair fog and brain chemicals.
she needs to start putting her dh and dc first and make amends but that does not necessarily mean telling her dh.

Granted I haven't been cheated on when DCs have been involved, but I was cheated on in a prior long term relationship. I caught him out and the one thing I couldn't fathom is why, if he was so unhappy with me, did he not just end it and then do as he wishes. I don't think it's fair for her to leave her DH in the dark, regardless of her reasons for wanting to tell him.
He deserves the right to decide what HE wants to do.
I'm sorry but I cannot see any sense or fairness in her just getting to continue in the marriage with him not being privy to what has gone on.

She should tell him and leave, because to her the husband and children are consolation prizes.

I haven't read any previous threads, but if you split with DH last year what reason did you give? and why did you get back together if you were still seeing OM? If you are so heartbroken that you are drinking and moping around in bed, what does DH think is wrong with you?
Perhaps he already knows

You should tell your poor deceived DH before OM does.
It's the least he deserves.

Stop the melodrama now! It's incredibly self indulgent when, I imagine, taking to your bed and thinking about how awful you are is worrying the crap out of your family.
You fucked up. Suck it up. Get out of bed. Treat your family right and maybe get some counselling (but counselling focussed on fixing this not self indulgently analysing you)

Tell your DH. It's absolutely the right thing to do. He deserves full knowledge so that he can decide whether he wants to be with you.

Your affair was not a mistake- it was an ongoing deception and I think most people that are capable of doing this would feel the shame that you say you feel.

The marriage is over either way. You don't love or respect your husband. You are just going through the motions of daily life because you can't face the alternative. It's no way to live really is it?