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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Frightened, fucked up and ready to hear it how it is

101 replies

duckandcover · 30/07/2016 21:00

I've had an affair. I was in love. I wanted OM forever and I've never been so blindsided. He apparently was not actually that arsed after all. I need to keep going somehow or other though I just want to die and I have literally no idea where to start. The story is pathetic and usual but what do I do now? How do I pull myself together into a recognisable human being?

OP posts:
DioneTheDiabolist · 31/07/2016 01:57

OP, can you get away. Weekend away alone? Friend meet up? Hen party? Girl's day out? Shopping trip?

You feel how you do. Now you need time and space to grieve, and work out what to do next.

SherlockStones · 31/07/2016 03:18

The degree to which the marriage itself is being used as an excuse to step out on the OP's husband is staggering.

Double standards abound.

AyeAmarok · 31/07/2016 05:33

but you also must know deep inside that something is wrong with your marriage to cheat.

No, it shows there is something wrong with the OP. That she is selfish, puts her desires far above the needs of her family, and is willing to risk their stability and happiness so she can have a little bit of excitement and fun on top of her stable marriage and family, because she was only thinking of herself.

Now she's ended up hurting. Good. Those are the consequences of your actions, sweetheart.

attsca · 31/07/2016 05:47

Well I was thinking the same thing Matrix, the OP hasn't suggested any marital problems at all, quite the opposite in fact.

GreenRut · 31/07/2016 06:10

I agree on the seeming double standards. Op it feels like you're only upset because OM was leading you up the garden path. Your husband could be the nicest man in the world it doesn't mean you have to be married to him. I second a pp's advice ; do some solo counselling see what you find out about what's going on with you, hopefully you can make a calm decision on what to do next.

Original poster
duckandcover · 31/07/2016 07:18

Thank you for all the responses - you cannot know how much this helping. At the moment I am hiding in bed a lot and trying to find something to push me forward, and all responses good or bad are helping so much. I don't feel in charge of my ship at all - none of it seems real. I am a hugely melodramatic person and sometimes think I can't quite tell what is real. I must get through this and I see I have to do it quietly when all I want to do is scream. I know the only possible path to getting some dignity is no contact with OM. And to stop bloody drinking. It's just a case of doing it.

OP posts:
JudyCoolibar · 31/07/2016 07:29

Is this the same man you were having an affair with before, or a different one?

LottieL · 31/07/2016 07:41

I feel sorry for your DC and DH. All this wallowing and not a single consideration for them. It's very sad.

RestlessTraveller · 31/07/2016 07:54

This thread is Mumsnet hypocrisy at it's absolute best.

SandyY2K · 31/07/2016 08:08

I'm really disturbed by the number of people asking what was wrong in the marriage for the Op to cheat. We don't ask the countless betrayed wives that come on here the same question.

Couldn't agree more. Such hypocrisy. The minute a man comes on here with a glimmer of feelings for another woman, he is insulted to high heaven.

I feel sorry for your DC and DH. All this wallowing and not a single consideration for them. It's very sad.

You're right.

Thus I ask how much you actually do love your husband.

Tell him the truth so he can make a decision on whether or not he wants to stay. Knowledge is power and you've taken away his power.

If you were full of regret and remorse and spoke of how awful you feel for what you've done to your husband that would be one thing, but your missing your boyfriend. You don't get to have a husband and a boyfriend.

Would you honestly wish to reconcile with your husband if it was him who cheated?

HappyJanuary · 31/07/2016 08:27

You're not the first person in the world to be dumped by someone they loved. You'll get over it with time, like everyone does.

If your mm had made a different choice, his wife and children would have been feeling a lot worse than you do now.

Tell your husband. He deserves to decide his future based on truth not lies.

MatildaTheCat · 31/07/2016 09:04

Hugely melodramatic or hugely self adsorbed? You have to take responsibility for who you are not justify your actions as in, 'Poor me, it's just the way I am.'

Harsh words? Yes. Stop talking about taking control of your life ( and drinking, mentioned somewhat late in the thread) and do something. Get up and sort out your DC and house. Go for a run or take them out until you are too bloody tired to mope any more.

Then look into AA and therapy.

Fairenuff · 31/07/2016 09:12

You are feeling exactly what you should be feeling OP. It's all normal. You have hurt your husband in the worst way and you feel terrible about it.

There's no quick fix, no way to stop feeling like this, you just have to ride it through and either tell him so that he can decide whether he wants to bother with you any more or live with the guilt forever.

It's your choice. All of it is your choice.

Your choice and your consequences. Maybe this will help you to grow up and stop making such painful choices in the future. But for now you're stuck with it.

And as is usual in these cases, you come to an anonymous forum to wallow in self pity because you can't tell anyone in real life. Learn from this and behave appropriately or you will carry on hurting yourself and everyone around you.

PacificDogwod · 31/07/2016 09:15

I am totally at sea and cannot think of a way out - well other than telling DH. And I can't see a way of wimping out of that.

Well, then do it.
And deal with that fall-out.

I am glad to read that at least you realise that your are a 'hugely melodramatic' person. The situation that you are finding yourself in has been played out since time began - you are not all that special. Get a bit of perspective and act - either by seeking help for yourself (counselling/therapy/AA or whatever) or by talking to your H if you think this will help your marriage. NOT if you'd just feel better by dumping your guilt and shame on him and to enjoy ever more drama.

Be the adult that you apparently are.

OnionKnight · 31/07/2016 09:15

You reap what you sow.

And as others have pointed out, if the OP was a man he would have been ripped to shreds, not asked questions about his marriage.

ITCouldBeWorse · 31/07/2016 09:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ITCouldBeWorse · 31/07/2016 09:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

daisychain01 · 31/07/2016 09:25

It would be selfish and self indulgent to offload your guilt on your DH. What exactly does that do? Do you think he'll feel better for knowing?

You're all at sea, you can't see a way out. Talk about me me me..

daisychain01 · 31/07/2016 09:27

ItCouldBeWorse it seems we are thinking along the same lines!

Sounds like a carcrash to me

PacificDogwod · 31/07/2016 09:28

There is not 'way out'.

As said above, you made your bed and are now feeling the discomfort of lying in it.

Yy to double standards btw.

Euripidesralph · 31/07/2016 09:30

I'm genuinely curious why you think stating you are a hugely melodramatic person is OK? Being melodramatic is an intensely selfish behaviour and frankly thanks backed up by hiding in bed.....seriously you are a grown woman

Face up to the consequences of your actions , actually I retract my previous post...tell your dh because at this point I hope he does take the opportunity to leave

You're taking no real responsibility and behaving like a 14 year old girl.... the mind boggles that you have responsibility for children and you're behaving like this....it's not the affair that offends me it's the ridiculousness of your responses since

And to other pps I would say exactly the same thing to a man (obviously I wouldn't call him a girl but a boy) why do you assume each poster wouldn't? Genuinely curious?

ITCouldBeWorse · 31/07/2016 09:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Janecc · 31/07/2016 09:41

Euripedes you seem really angry now. Op is full of self pity and is procrastinating. Agreed. I don't think op should tell her husband though. If they split, op will probably have main custody of the children. Frankly I don't think she's mature enough right now to cope with them alone and it will likely create untold damage.

As I said previously op, go and get some counselling. You really need it. You're the one, who needs fixing far more than the marriage. Fixing the marriage really can wait because right now the lessons you're teaching you're children of how a grown up behaves are way off the mark. That's because you don't know how to be one yourself. It's possible that you were never taught by your parents. I wasn't either so I've been going through that process myself.

ITCouldBeWorse · 31/07/2016 09:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
duckandcover · 31/07/2016 10:35

I think being hugely melodramatic is a terrible thing but it is just as well to start having a go at working out WTF is wrong with me. I've been in denial about the problem being 100% me for far too long (again - not self-pitying - rather a statement of fact). I don't deny I am stuck in a perpetual childhood and massively immature and stupid with relationships and ought to tackle why. I love OM and I cannot have him therefore I need to get a grip and focus on DH and DCs and this thread is helping me see that. Yes it's sad to have to do this anonymously on a forum but the fact I am doing so is saving me and therefore a few others. This is helping. The harsh but fair stuff is helping. Thank you.

OP posts: