Frightened, fucked up and ready to hear it how it is

[duckandcover]

I've had an affair. I was in love. I wanted OM forever and I've never been so blindsided. He apparently was not actually that arsed after all. I need to keep going somehow or other though I just want to die and I have literally no idea where to start. The story is pathetic and usual but what do I do now? How do I pull myself together into a recognisable human being?

'Understood' not 'understand' 'advise' not 'advice'. Wine!

Maybe don't tell your husband, ever. He would be hurt and the fall out would be awful all round. After all it was a secret affair and it was not broad cast - so why tell him now its over? However if you really want to stay with him, think about his good points.

I do understand about falling for someone, but he might have led you on a bit... Should have been more upfront about it being a fling. Sorry for your pain, though.

I think you knew when you started it that someone was going to get hurt. Maybe you just didn't realise that it would be you. And it would be bad.

Usual advice - get sti checks and tell your dh.

Firstly I agree with pps whilst you are taking responsibility and I genuinely say fair play to you for doing that....the drama and over the top references to being a whole etc....that's you're way of easing your guilt but honestly knock it off....it's not real taking responsibility it places the onus on other people to ease your pain....and that's not on

OK you made a mistake you're already paying a price no need to hang draw and quarter you but actually I personally think you'd be telling your dh for the wrong reasons
....to place the responsibility on him for the future is wrong and selfish

If you want to work on your marriage do it....don't expect other people to dig you out of your self imposed hole.....make the changes you need

And ask yourself this would you be telling your dh because he needs to know or because it'll ease your guilt....if it's the second one don't be so selfish

FFS don't be so dramatic!

Walk away.
Seek therapy if you think you might benefit.
As you say, boring story, so don't give yourself more status than you deserve: "whore', my arse.
Your children need their mother.
Work on your marriage or end your marriage.
Stop with the self-flagellation - who is served with that?!

What made you see the light, suddenly?

OP you are not an idiot or a whore, you are just a human being! And you are fallible, as we all are.

There must have been something in the OM or in your illicit relationship with him that met your emotional or physical needs, and you found it irresistible. We all do that, we all strive to meet our emotional and physical needs, that is the basis of all of our behaviour, all of the time. And most of us really have no idea, most of the time, what we are seeking to achieve or why. So much of what motivates us is subconscious.

What you have done has hurt you much more than anyone else, so far. And that's why I would recommend not confessing all to your husband. I am aware it is probably morally reprehensible to keep him in the dark, but would any good come out of telling him? He would be immensely hurt and your family would suffer, and how would that be helpful to you? I would recommend working through this on your own.

I would urge you not to punish yourself so harshly, but I also think that your self-castigation is serving a purpose. It is part of you coming to terms with what you felt and did. It is needed if you are to, as you say, rebuild yourself, but to succeed in that you will ultimately have to forgive yourself. In forgiving yourself you will learn greater compassion for the weaknesses of others. This is a learning and growing experience for you, and you will emerge a wiser, stronger person.

All the best and take care of yourself

Hmmm. My ex left me for OW and has now found out she has been cheating on him. In the immediate aftermath, I told him to choose and he chose her. He is now saying he fucked up. Part of me thinks don't even engage with his fuckwittery, part of me wants him back. Do you want your husband back because you love him or because the OM has left you and you feel lonely?

I don't understand what's going on in your life, OP. You seemed to be posting very similar messages about being at the end of affairs in December 2013 and April 2014, and to be single and separated from your husband in early 2015. Can you clarify?

Oh goody

I'm certain this thread is genuine. OP has posted about this before.
How long were you involved with this man OP?

Lorelei 💐

Please don't take him back. He's not come back grovelling to you because he realised he fucked up, he's coming back to you because she cheated on him and he's now 'womanless'.

Your self esteem would be in the gutter.
You'd never trust him.

It would be miserable.

Whatever fantasy life you're picturing - it won't be like that.

Well there must be something missing because why else would you have fallen for someone else?

Because she could.

This is the same reason men have affairs.

It's exciting and new and fun and they see no risk to their marriage.

It's not a mistake, but rather a conscience decision to do what you desired.

OP

have a look at the wayward thread on
www.survivinginfidelity.com

Many others there have walked in your shoes and you'll learn a lot and gain support from those who know exactly how it feels to be where you are.

OP your H deserves to know and decide if he wants to be with a woman who lies and deceives him.

You thought only of yourself while indulging in your affair and your post now is all I, I, I still.

Do something right out of this and finally show your H some respect and honesty.

Lorelei if OW hadn't cheated on him he wouldn't give you another thought.

You are merely better than nothing to him. He would be off with the next one eventually if you took him back.

You deserve better.

Easy to search me and see the sad little history behind this. Also quicker than typing cryptic comments about strange language (whatever that means). I feel all the responses (kind or otherwise) are a good old slap in the face. I am ill with this and it's no way to live. I want to want to be with my DH so much. He is perfect and no woman in their right mind would leave him when there are such loathsome shits in the world. Amazing to think anyone could think this sad little story would be made up. It's so bloody unoriginal.

I did leave DH and we were separated for a year until I worked out my happiness was a pretty inexcusable reason for the bloody trainwreck I caused.

Shame is there for a reason.

You made your bed - now you need to lie in it. Not look to strangers to ease your misery.

Nomud this is the thing: you can't just disappear - or mute - just because you have done something shit. You still talk and think and breathe, and if you're a bit desperate and frightened you may just turn anywhere in order to think and feel. I am totally at sea and cannot think of a way out - well other than telling DH. And I can't see a way of wimping out of that.

Would telling yur DH be to relieve your own guilt ? What good would come of it ? If nothing, then maybe living with what you have done, is enough punishment.

I came very close to having a relationship with a married man; immense mutual attraction like nothing I have ever felt before. I walked away and was tormented by my feelings for a very long time.
It made me very unwell, but at least it was only me that was suffering and not his wife and kids as well.
I'm not in any way condemning what has happened to you OP; you really have my heartfelt sympathy
I'm certain that if my " crush" had made a pass, I would not have resisted.
I'm sorry you were so cruelly played by OM.
You are not cheap/used goods or whatever...just human and vulnerable.
Cut yourself some slack; get counselling and try to muddle through this the best way you can.

OM has issues to chase you and make you think it was serious, but you also must know deep inside that something is wrong with your marriage to cheat.

My STBXH saw OW months before I found out. It was so hurtful to know that he could look me in the eye and lie. I knew he was acting coldly, but every time I questionned him he lied.

If you don’t tell your DH and this comes out later it will wreck your marriage, you'd be in a better position to be honest and rebuild your relationship on trust now.

If you want to tell your DH to alleviate your guilt and make you feel better. Then don't. That's all about you and not about him.

If you want to make a go of your marriage, that's great. And a start.

I think the one person, who really needs help is you. It sounds as if you went outside your marriage to find something missing in you. And you're discovering that bit is still missing. And you've been rejected by the shit you did the dirty deed with so you feel even more worthless. Now recognise this. Get private counselling for you, scrimp on something else if necessary to afford it and get what you have done off your chest in a private and safe environment.

This self flagelation is no good for anyone. Including you dcs. Your whole family deserves better. Including you.

I'm sure your affair started like so many others. You get pursued and you get your ego stroked by OM. You try and resist.. but MM finally gets you to cave in. The attention and complements are flattering and make you feel so alive. You feel like soulmates and all the rest of it.

You show each other your best side and you enjoy the excitement of secret trysts. It comes down to having your cake and wanting to eat it too.

A man who is scared of marriage recently asked why a woman would cheat on a good man. Most people said they wouldn't, but here you say your husband is good and you cheat on him.

That shows there's something wrong with you. Something lacking in you, or you have a sense of entitlement and didn't think what you had to loose before you started the affair. You still have a lot of wayward thinking and are here because it's ended with OM.

Are you just with your husband because he's dependable and reliable and a safe bet? Do you respect him? Are you sexually attracted to him?

You need to decide if marriage and monogamy are really for you. Also get tested for Std's and ensure you haven't infected your DH.

I completely speak from experience in what you are going through. It was a long time ago (16 years) and if I could turn back time and erase everything that happened, I would do without a doubt. I agree 100% with the other posters saying think very carefully before telling your husband. The desire to come clean will be strong, but honestly think it through first. I didn't have the choice like you do. Someone said above about a grenade going off in the middle of his life and it is so true. Mine found out, and the pain he went through was unbearable. Seeing him like that almost killed the both of us. It effected my relations with his family, friends as well as my job.

I don't know what is/was wrong in your marriage in the first place for this to happen, but its true you can love two people at once. The difference is, like me, you allowed it to happen. But it's happened and time is a great healer. And lesson learned never again will I put myself or my husband in that situation again. You may not get a second chance so try and get through this the best you can without beating yourself up or making any rash decisions. Do you have someone you can trust to talk to?

I'm really disturbed by the number of people asking what was wrong in the marriage for the Op to cheat. We don't ask the countless betrayed wives that come on here the same question.

I was just going to make a similar point Matrix