Finances when moving in together

[TooManyButtons]

I'm having tentative talks with DP about the prospect of him moving in. DD is going off to uni in September, I have no other children, so most of the time it would just me me and DP. I own my own home, and wouldn't expect him to contribute to the mortgage, however would expect him to contribute fairly.

He doesn't earn much, I earn a bit (but not much) more. He's basically told me after he's paid his child maintenance/loan/petrol, he'll be able to give me £200 per month.

I know I sound like a heartless money grabber, but that's really not enough. Effectively I'd be subsidising him, and it worries me about the future. He'd have no spare money so holidays etc would mean me paying for us both. If (in the future) we decided to buy a house together, he wouldn't be able to contribute towards the mortgage.

Am I being a selfish bitch, or is it a non starter?

*put him off.

That's not my rent my rents half that , that's all in bills !

oops just checked its £40 per month after my travel allowance for work - I actually spend on average £60 per month - £200 does still sound high for around 1000 miles work + personal use. I have an eco boost 998 engine very economical.

Also OP do you have £50 per week personal spends?
As a bare minimum I would say to him that his personal spends would have to be used towards unexpected expenses as they arise and for savings towards holidays, future house etc.

This sounds doomed. As you said, if he moved in, you would suddenly be paying for everything for him.

What could he do on £50 a week? Not much.

Your daughter would be flying the nest and you would have a new child to pay for.

It's sad but I would keep him as a live out boyfriend for now and see how it goes.

DPs commute, about 250 miles a week is about £150? So 1000miles in a very economical 1.4 Peugeot 206. Sounds like he's doing a similar length commute for a lot more money.

Our rent is £1500 for a two bed house, that's before any bills at all. It is a very nice two bed house but we're in an expensive part of the country. Luckily we can afford it but it is a lot of money.

OP I would put him off. Why should he have £50 a week 'for himself' when you're bearing the brunt of everything else. Spare money is for after people have paid their fair share.

I don't understand so much about him not having money for holidays being an issue.
Presumably you've been together for a while, if you're talking about him moving in.
So - isn't that already a problem?

Also about affording a mortgage together in future - why do you need to? You've already got a house. When his maintenance and loan stop (5 years for the loan, how many for maintenance?) he'll be £600 a month better off. And you said you don't earn that much more than him. So although it's lucky for him that you have your own home, if you love him, does it matter that he doesn't?

But as I said upthread, I'd be running a mile from someone in debt that much if it were down to mismanagement.

I didn't think that Bank employees were allowed to be in debt or go into an arrangement. It would be al too easy for a debtor to watch for chances to see accounts that could be used to pay of any debts and this is why it is not allowed for Bank employees to have debts.
Banks do encourage taking further courses and qualifications and pay extra salary as a reward.
I also think that he is looking for a girlfriend with more income than him. Having been there I would run like the wind. Love is fine but you have to be realistic and resentment would come into the relationship.

Do t do it, OP. You would rue it in short order and how the hell would you get rid of him if the relationship soured and Sis wouldn't have him back?

He has three children to support and if he has to lead a spartan existence to do so, so be it. But he appears to lack gumption and as others have pointed out, it would be like taking on a dependent not a partner.

You can enjoy companionship without living together.

I think it's unfair to say he's looking for a higher earning girlfriend!
I earn 3x my fiancé's salary and I'd be gutted if any of my friends thought that of him. When he found out, he was
😂

OP has already said she only earns a little bit more than him.
And she says that they've tentatively started discussions about him moving in - she may have started those!

It's a simple answer though: if you're unsure, don't do it.

He's got his feet comfortably under his sister's table for a measly £200 a month and now he wants to put them under yours.

For a man of that age to have to commit and quarter of his take-home pay in towards debts is a shocker and suggests very serious money mis-management in the past. Not only that, but he's going to be very seriously skint for the next five years. It would be a deal-breaker for me.

This whole scenario would have me running for the hills.

Keep him as nice boyfriend but do not give him a (cheap) home.

I think he has too many financial problems now for you to have him live with you. Really. If he is living with you, why would you not expect him to contribute to the mortgage? I don't get that bit. I don't get that he would 'give you' £200 a week. Why would he not say that he'd pay half the bills except the mortgage. Or that the Electricity bill goes into his name and he pays it.
Giving you money each week sounds like an adult child living with his Mummy while he is free of responsibilities for the Utilities.
Just tell him you are valuing your own space, and independence more and more now your eldest is leaving home - and that you want to keep it like that for the forseable future. I think having come this far you are entitled to a bit of 'selfishness' or rather putting yourself first.
This bit worries me also "but doesn't seem to know where to start in looking for something new. "
So great you are faced with paying for everything for him then like an overgrown kid. If he needs a filling or a crown at the dentist, you pay. If he needs a winter coat, you pay. If his kid needs extra for a school trip, who do you think he'll ask for a 'loan'?
Can he seriously exist on £50 a week spending money?
Every time you suggest getting a takeaway he will say 'I can't really afford it'. So you'll end up paying for the takeaway.
He won't be entitled to any welfare benefits etc either, if he was eligible, as his living arrangements will be assessed also.
If you didn't want him moving in before this, then what has changed? I'd certainly give it some time after your DD goes to Uni to decide what to do. Don't make the decision to live with someone who is virtually penniless, based on that.

It's not just his income, though, it's his prospects. Low wage & three young kids vs the OP, a financially secure empty-nester. She either lives at his no frills level or foots the bill for travel & leisure fun.

Based on his salary, paying £300 in maintenance would suggest he maybe has little contact with his kids, is that the case OP?

Also he seems to have no drive to earn more or to get a more suitable job. That would really annoy me.

Also do you know how he spent that much on credit cards? At the age of 40 he should know better.

Also if you are in debt it is very difficult to work in any form of the banking world. So do you believe him when he said he does?

For what it's worth, when my oh had been dating for about a year, he started staying had the week. He didn't contribute anything and would kind of expect to have the ingredients all stocked up so he could make the tea. Milk in the Fridge. It got to the point where I snapped saying that I was a hotel and he needed to start contributing and taking ownership. If he wanted to do a roast, he can't expect me to have the fridge stocked ready. Luckily he picked up what he needed to do promptly. But I can see your relationship going the same way.

Can you not carry on as you are and have him stay half the week. He can then perhaps pay contribute for that?

I understand your concerns and it seems like you need to talk more about how those issues like fridge breaking down or blown tyre will be dealt with. If you are living together they should be joint things or contributing what each person can not just him saying but I've given you my £200. Is he likely to say that? I don't see a problem with him not paying the mortgage. That way it stays your house. But whilst he lives there he should be paying towards food and all bills.

How long have you known him? His debt and discussion about finances suggests he isn't keen to take responsibility so you are right you would need to step up.

That's OK for some relationships but I agree it can lead to resentment.You will be taking more financial responsibility and shouldering the burden.Its not a highly attractive option for you.

As others say, if you wanted him to move out it might cause issues so make sure if he moved in he has a fallback plan.

"If he is living with you, why would you not expect him to contribute to the mortgage? I don't get that bit."

Have someone move in and receive any payments from them that could be interpreted as contributing towards the mortgage and you're giving them a claim on some of your equity. That's why you don't expect him to contribute towards something you might not want to give up. If I was a home-owner I would never give someone that opportunity. Most especially if that someone was not who I was going to marry and make a long-term commitment with.

"I don't get that he would 'give you' £200 a week."

He hasn't proposed that at all. He's suggested giving the OP £200 A MONTH. Which is a complete piss-take. A grown adult could chew through fifty quid's-worth of food and drink a week and then the OP would be financing the Council Tax and utilities, and all the rest on her own. Sod that!

This guy isn't much of a prospect: low income, three kids and a huge debt in his forties. Sod that, too!

Well to me he doesn't sound like a very good catch , who is irresponsible with money, no ambition or prospects .
What are you hoping to gain from him moving in?
IMO he has seen a gravy train and will lead to disaster and resentment .Think carefully before you commit at 40yrs old he should have a little bit more to his name.

I just had a quick look and £300 a month over 5 years is a debt of about £17,000
Don't do it OP. You'd be paying for every single thing for 2 adults and once he's in you'd never get him out. Keep him as a live-out boyfriend where you get the best of him and he has to make some effort.

I think it's totally unfair to refer to a gravy train!
He only earns slightly less than the OP.
A big chunk of his income goes as maintenance for his 3 children - surely we're not going to blast him for that?!

And another big chunk on debt repayments. And we don't know why he has the debts. We sometimes read on here women who have been shafted by unwisely taking out a loan to pay off a boyfriend's credit card as the rate is lower and he has a poor credit rating and it all makes sense until he fucks off and refuses to pay.

Some people have also made big mistakes with money in the past, but are truly reformed in their money management - though OK, personally I'd still be very wary.

He might be a cocklodger. And certainly the OP might decide she doesn't want a big commitment to someone with considerably less disposable income than her. But that doesn't mean he was looking for a girlfriend with more money, or is looking for a gravy train.

As a PP said though, I'd be more interested in why the size of the maintenance payment suggests he doesn't have his kids often.
I'd take a poor good dad over a wealthy dead beat dad any time!

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2279228-To-be-utterly-pissed-off-with-lazy-selfish-DP?pg=1&order=

OP, check out this thread from Jan 2015, take it as a warning what your life could be like.

Oh wait! It is what your life was like, you posted it

I know it is questionable etiquette to link to other threads, so please go ahead and report my post anyone that wants to.

But I think it's not fair on posters to waste their time with lies or without the full picture.

So OP, is this current thread a kind of reverse? You're seeing what people would say if you hadn't already moved him in?

To the PP that said he was looking for a gravy train... I did think that was jumping to conclusions from what was posted on this OP, but fair play to you, you were absolutely right.

OP, you don't need any more replies - you received a unanimous 8 page thread telling you to chuck him out last time. It's still good advice.

Sigh. Not another one of these. Ah well.

What's going on OP?

Actually another post in between the two suggests that she did split up with the cocklodging lazy pisstaker.

But this isn't a new one, unless she's managed to find another one with the same call centre job, same number of kids and same debts and same £100-200 "contribution".

So kindest interpretation isn't that OP is lying, but that she's considering letting him move back in.

I still think it's unfair to waste posters time not saying what he was like (a total gravy train riding waste of space) last time.