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Original poster

Finances when moving in together

83 replies

TooManyButtons · 29/07/2016 19:34

I'm having tentative talks with DP about the prospect of him moving in. DD is going off to uni in September, I have no other children, so most of the time it would just me me and DP. I own my own home, and wouldn't expect him to contribute to the mortgage, however would expect him to contribute fairly.

He doesn't earn much, I earn a bit (but not much) more. He's basically told me after he's paid his child maintenance/loan/petrol, he'll be able to give me £200 per month.

I know I sound like a heartless money grabber, but that's really not enough. Effectively I'd be subsidising him, and it worries me about the future. He'd have no spare money so holidays etc would mean me paying for us both. If (in the future) we decided to buy a house together, he wouldn't be able to contribute towards the mortgage.

Am I being a selfish bitch, or is it a non starter?

OP posts:
Original poster
TooManyButtons · 29/07/2016 20:38

FinallyHere he works in a call centre. He works for a bank processing mortgage applications, but essentially it's call centre work, hence the low wage. He knows it's a dead end job for a 40yr old man, but doesn't seem to know where to start in looking for something new. He certainly can't afford to retrain.

Giving up a car isn't an option - I'm a nurse so work stupid shifts, his job is 25 miles away and public transport is non existent.

OP posts:
43percentburnt · 29/07/2016 20:41

His attitude to money and being responsible for supporting himself would concern me. I think your spidey senses are tingling but you feel money grabbing by thinking £200 isn't enough.

I'd be very worried he owed £300 for 5 years - that's a hell of a credit card consolidation for someone with a take home pay of 1200 - he must have been living well beyond his means. He now expects you to subsidise him. If I were in his shoes I'd be very embarrassed to offer you £200 - you couldn't rent a room for that (and i don't live in London) to include food as well wow. I'd be saying I'd love to move in when I'm back on my feet.

Who would fork out for a blown tyre, dentist bill, prescription, new shoes, cinema visit, birthday gifts? It would be your problem op and your wages would have to cover it. You are right he'd have paid his £200 so no worries for him.

I really hope he hasn't blamed all the debt on his ex...

Pearlman · 29/07/2016 20:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

43percentburnt · 29/07/2016 20:43

Ok so why doesn't he train as an underwriter or a qualified mortgage adviser?

FreeFromHarm · 29/07/2016 20:46

Was it his suggestion him moving in ? have you been together long, sorry would be red flags for me I am afraid ( this happened to me with now xh and he has near bankrupted me ) sorry if this does not help

43percentburnt · 29/07/2016 20:48

His job means he fully understands how much bills are and he will know what jobs pay well. Banks offer career progression and Definately pay for qualifications for their staff (they may lock him in for a year but his wage would improve).

Overthinker2016 · 29/07/2016 20:48

I'm not sure it would be appropriate to say he needs to retrain - that needs to be his decision, and not everyone is career focused.

Overthinker2016 · 29/07/2016 20:49

Like if my bf said to me " you need to retrain as a mortgage adviser" I would distinctly get the impression he thought I wasn't good enough for him and tell him to do one.

43percentburnt · 29/07/2016 20:55

Op said he doesn't seem to know where to start looking for something new and he can't afford to retrain. Banks offer lots of opportunity. Yes he may not be career focused so in which case of course I wouldn't push him. But if he mentioned every night how he wished there were other opportunities I would mention other bank jobs in conversation.

Original poster
TooManyButtons · 29/07/2016 20:59

Overthinker essentially I feel that's what I'd be saying to him - 'you're not good enough'. But that's not what I mean at all, I just don't see how it could work without resentment ruining everything. On a purely selfish level, I really enjoy my time alone, so feel that for me to want to live with someone there would need to be big advantages. I'm just not seeing that many benefits right now.

OP posts:
Overthinker2016 · 29/07/2016 20:59

Anyway tbh the debt is the problem really. If he didn't have to pay that it might be more doable. 5,years at £300 a month is £18k - that's a lot of credit card debt.

tribpot · 29/07/2016 21:00

What about all his other car costs - road tax, repairs, MOT, insurance and servicing? If he hasn't figured out his true expenses, this would certainly explain how he's run up such a massive credit card bill.

I think you're right to assume that you would be responsible for all incidental expenses like a fridge going wrong or there being no food in before payday, in the way his sister is now. Meanwhile he gets to keep his fun money - to tune of £200 a month when he clearly owes thousands. Bugger that for a game of soldiers.

I think he needs to stay put at least until this debt is cleared, but frankly the attitude of 'I'll hand over money and let you worry about it' suggests he's not really partner material at all.

How is the call centre finding anyone to work for them without providing some kind of transport option? I know the banks here in my town run buses from the station out to where the call centres are.

Overthinker2016 · 29/07/2016 21:01

Don't then. It doesn't necessarily need to be the next step.

You can be together but live apart, possibly. Or plan to move in once the debt is paid.

Whenwillthisphaseend · 29/07/2016 23:41

That's a ridiculous amount of rent I live in a 2 bed house and my outgoings before food is 1650 (rents high) I'd tell him to wait till he's sorted himself out I'd expect my child to pay that when she works not a partner. 200 all in is incredibly low might cover what he eats/drinks but not much more !

ImperialBlether · 29/07/2016 23:47

No way. It would be like having a child living with you. Onwards and upwards, OP!

ImperialBlether · 29/07/2016 23:48

I'd be worried iif I couldn't suggest a career change when someone's on a low wage without thefm getting offended.

Overthinker2016 · 30/07/2016 00:35

£1650 is a ridiculous amount to spend on rent.

Not everyone lives like that or wants to.

Somerville · 30/07/2016 00:58

This doesn't sound like a partnership at all. You'd be swapping one dependant for another.
And not just in the short term, but when it comes time to retire as well. I bet he's not been saving into a pension.

You really don't sound like a heartless money grabber, BTW. Like others have said, covering more of the costs in the short term while someone retrains or similar wouldn't bother me. I'd happily do that for someone I loved. But taking over responsibility for joint finances for another adult who can only afford to contribute £50 a week for at least 5 years - nah.

Also - forgive me, this isn't what you asked about - I wouldn't be interested in setting up home with someone who could only afford to pay £25 per week maintenance for each of their children. Any increase in earnings I would feel should go to the resident parent, not to household finances.

I hope he takes it okay when you tell him your thoughts. Not an easy conversation to have. Flowers

ElinoristhenewEnid · 30/07/2016 08:35

£200 a month on petrol? What sort of car he drive? I pay about £ 40 per month for petrol doing around 600 miles so with his 50 miles per day round trip to work surely £100 per month is reasonable allowing some personal use as well!

AyeAmarok · 30/07/2016 08:42

I'd also question the 200 pounds a month on petrol.

How long has he lived with his sister?

And why is he only paying back 300 a month to the loan if he has no rent to pay and could be throwing an extra 200 at it?

TheNaze73 · 30/07/2016 09:10

He'd be royally taking the piss

Cabrinha · 30/07/2016 09:23

£300 a month for 5 years to the consolidation loan - and the fact that he ended up with a consolidation loan (yes it can be cheaper, but it's really often a sign that you've mismanaged your previous borrowing) - would put me right off. I'd want to know the exact circumstances of that!

Even if he could now afford to pay me full market rent, I'd be very wary of moving in with (or even dating) someone who can't manage their money.

Aside from the money, I noted that you said you like to be alone and so the advantages are big. I also enjoy alone time which I know I'll get when my fiancé moves in, because he'll be out sometimes, but it's not even on my radar because I'm do excited about being able to live together. If you're not feeling excited about it - don't do it.

llhj · 30/07/2016 09:35

Elinoristhenewenid
How does your car do 600 miles on £40 of petrol? That sounds very unrealistic.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 30/07/2016 10:19

I'd wait until he'd either paid off his loan or didn't have to pay CM any more? Is there a rush to live together for some reason?

SpringTown46 · 30/07/2016 10:24

I'd probably put him. Say that it's a big step and with daughter moving out, it's too many life changes in a short period, and you need a period of time to adjust and make good choices. I suspect all will be clear by Christmas.