He's a tw@tbag right?

[throneofgames]

Basically my H is just finishing his masters and has been going around like a bear with a sore head moaning how busy he is. Yesterday I left the house at 8am to drop our 14mo off at his nan's to allow H to work without distraction and I nipped back home because I'd forgotten something and he'd gone back to bed. I asked what he was doing when he's already passed the deadline and he said he was ill. Irritating. I said irrespective of this, he needed to be doing his work or he'd not pass I.e take some pills and crack on. I mean, we all have to at times don't we? He went crazy and called me thick, selfish and childish and proceeded to smash up his laptop, pushing me out the way and smashed some crockery etc.Oh and I said I hope he wouldn't ever scream at our son in that manner and he said he would if HE needed it! Urgh. I hate bullies.Of course today he says that his outburst was my fault for not asking him if he was ok when he was back in bed. That is messed up thinking at its best. I've spent the last 14 months looking after our LO singlehanded to allow him to do his masters and that's what I get? Nope. Not doing it anymore. Rant over!

Dollars to doughnuts he already has cheated at festivals - quickly and with no strings attached. Other than the g-string (if he's a guitarist) that you might like to wrap around a body part of your choice ... sorry, dark humour. You're a strong independent woman - believe it. Hopefully his "bohemian" fantasy world will allow him to flounce out of yours but it might be wise to get legal advice asap. The other his/hers house sounds like he isn't much of a do-er. He does like a woman to shield him from the woes responsibilities of the world doesn't he?

He ticks all the boxes for being an abusive twatbag.

You asked how to make friends. Here's the thing: people already like you. They see the incredibly accomplished AND kind person that you are. There are plenty of them out there who are ready to be your friend.

YOU don't see it, because you don't see your own greatness, and you don't believe anyone else would like you, and you believe that the best you deserve is an abusive twatbag whose only quality is that he's a person who's around to do stuff with.

So I suggest you just start opening your eyes to the nice people who are around, stop running away from them (you probably are), and instead take the time to chat with them, laugh, and invite them for a drink or a day out doing whatever your favourite hobby is.

You are great friend material, and once you start just being available to others, you will find that actually it is quite easy to make friends. Especially for a smart and nice person like you.

Jesus Christ... sounds like my DD's dad. Who is a singer in a rock band. "I only want to be an accessory to your life" LMAO! Awk I almost miss the flowery bullshit he used to spout. Temper on him too. If they really are all the same then you are better without. One day you'll look back on a tonne of funny stories. :) x

I think if you start talking to people, maybe find a group related to a hobby or interest just to turn up and chat? I bet you've already got the skills for that, or you wouldn't be a headteacher. You just have to believe in yourself.

Whereabouts in the midlands are you?

What about some toddler groups and similar? Playgroups? also for example there are several Facebook groups in my area for meet ups - there's always someone asking if someone wants to meet them and their DC for a walk or similar. Honestly, there's no need to keep an emotionally unstable twatbag around just so you have someone to do stuff with.

Last night I told my mum and a RL friend who were v supportive of me ending things. But didn't sleep a wink last night and feel horrendously anxious. He sent a barrage of nasty texts last night including the following little gems: Final point - you seem to think I think my behaviour is ok. I don't - what I'm talking about is help when I'm not ok. Just like I give to you when you are at the end of your tether. What I don't do is attack you. Honestly, it's really not on that you do. It doesn't seem to occur to you to consider how other people may be feeling. It's a really odd trait x

AND
And I am ambitious for things in life, including the masters, but I worry im ambitious for different things in life to you. Quality of relationships is more important to me than the highest paid job. And in fact, I know you're driven primarily by earning money, and the joke of it is, when I'm back into gigging, I'll be better off than you anyway x

Sounds like the most important thing to him, is that he's right. Let him get on with it, don't waste energy trying to explain why he's wrong.

Incidentally, the second message is particularly nasty, and designed to hurt you - the lofty critique of the freeloader who's been carried by you for years, now saying that money is more important to you thsn relationship quality... Set him free, please.

I would wonder if he means gigging will be cash in hand and undeclared so no tax to pay and all for himself.

Oh you're right - tax free cash in hand undoubtedly.

He's a wanker pure and simple he's done bugger all about his masters and now he's thrown a paddy because he's been caught out .

It's all you fault of course how dare you be successful and him not. There can be only one and if it's not him you'd better watch out that's the message.

Check www.outofthefog.net and a smart girls guide to self care

You know what to do, you seem to be a smart cookie but I bet it would be lovely not being in a relationship with that ego

Just feeling really wobbly today. Feel so alone and the house is so silent. Trying to be brave but it's so hard. I think he does have borderline personality disorder.

That style of text message - they're not worth responding to.

And I don't really know why people send them other than to drip anger and blame. Which they must know on some level isn't wanted and will only further damage the relationship. So in effect, they've either decided they've got nothing left to lose by pushing you to the edge and seeing what they can get away with, or they're just nasty bastards with a mean streak and little impulse control.

I'm sorry you feel a bit crap today. I know it's tough. But you'll be a lot better off soon making a new start.

I just don't know why anyone would be that mean!

Because he's a twat?

There's a lot of reasons why people act mean, but I've found that there's not a lot you can do about it except ignore and avoid.

I have pretty much nothing to do with my ExH, because he's got a mean streak. I didn't see it when I married him. He hid it so well. After he left me (and the DCs) for OW I felt its full force.

I guess it's all wrapped up with their ego and sense of self, and not being able cope with any ripples against that rigid box of their righteous identity.

Jealous nasty abuser, with some kind of inferiority thing going on.

Gosh I'd be having a festival myself....to celebrate his departure.

Vile

First of all take yourself out of victim "how could anybody be so mean" mode. You are not a victim , you're clearly ballsy and driven. You're a head teacher ffs you don't get to be in charge of stuff without knowing how to throw your weight around a bit. He's not being mean. He's being hurt. And hurt people say stuff (and some of it is true and Some of it is embellished and some is downright mudslinging bullcrap and only you OP know the difference. If he wasn't hurt he wouldn't be texting you or thinking twice about you. You didn't mention whether you initiated texting him or responded but I'm guessing yes. You've both taken up fight to the death positions now clearly. The question is can you both lose the bravado and get past this (both recognising the need for change in each other) or is it a case of giving your heads a wobble to not make it traumatic for your child or option three....just keep hurting each other out of ego and fear?

Those messages...

Frankly, they're an invitation to cut him loose, if he's soooo unhappy with you and would be sooooo much better off without you.

So don't worry about those messages or try to defend yourself: he's trying to put you on the back foot, and guilt you into changing yourself and letting him continue to be a twat. Fuck that. He can take his poor behaviour and his gigging riches with him when he goes.

Wow what a total knob jockey he is!!!
Totally entitled, spoilt, melodramatic bully!
You are so much better off without this child in your life.

I'm in the Midlands :-)

Those messages... hmm Frankly, they're an invitation to cut him loose, if he's soooo unhappy with you and would be sooooo much better off without you

Great advice!

Treat it like a judo move - use your opponent's own efforts against them.

All you need to do is agree 100% with his assessment of the situation and you're free and clear of him

And I love (not) his assumption that it's your job to handle his admitted bad behaviour, rather than his own dang responsibility.

Your assessment in the thread title is correct, OP: he is a twatbag.

I just need to know how to make the hurt stop. Had my family over just and they were talking about keeping the news 'just in the family' - made me feel even worse. Like I'm somehow doing something shameful.

Your family do not sound like your allies here. You are not doing something shameful, quite the contrary: you are protecting your values and your best interests.

The hurt... well, it will hurt. This is hurtful stuff. But I guarantee you that time is a healer.

You need to make an appointment with a solicitor with a view to separating. There's nothing else to talk about. The sooner you set the wheels in motion, the sooner this will be over.

Do it for your child if not for yourself.