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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He's a tw@tbag right?

107 replies

throneofgames · 29/07/2016 13:50

Basically my H is just finishing his masters and has been going around like a bear with a sore head moaning how busy he is. Yesterday I left the house at 8am to drop our 14mo off at his nan's to allow H to work without distraction and I nipped back home because I'd forgotten something and he'd gone back to bed. I asked what he was doing when he's already passed the deadline and he said he was ill. Irritating. I said irrespective of this, he needed to be doing his work or he'd not pass I.e take some pills and crack on. I mean, we all have to at times don't we? He went crazy and called me thick, selfish and childish and proceeded to smash up his laptop, pushing me out the way and smashed some crockery etc.Oh and I said I hope he wouldn't ever scream at our son in that manner and he said he would if HE needed it! Urgh. I hate bullies.Of course today he says that his outburst was my fault for not asking him if he was ok when he was back in bed. That is messed up thinking at its best. I've spent the last 14 months looking after our LO singlehanded to allow him to do his masters and that's what I get? Nope. Not doing it anymore. Rant over!

OP posts:
FunnyTummy · 29/07/2016 14:24

Don't be afraid of being alone. that's what kept me in that situation for such a long time.

like PP have said . .you would be unlikely to make friends whilst still with him. now is your time to make new friends and look after yourself and your son. you can try new things and find out what you like to do.

once you get over the first bit, you wont look back, I promise xxx

ElspethFlashman · 29/07/2016 14:25

The thing that fascinates me is that you're talking about him being a "twatbag".

I call the guy who blocked in my car the other day a twatbag. If he smashed up my house I think I'd be using much stronger language.

Your previous thread, was it relating to violent behaviour too?

Have you changed anything based on the advice you received at the time?

throneofgames · 29/07/2016 14:26

I remember a few months back I was up against another headteacher for the headteacher post at my current school and I thought I had no chance of getting it. When I did, he said I was overly competitive about it and ungracious! I merely was excited and pleased I'd got the job. He was angry his birthday had taken a back seat due to interview prep AND that I'd been at my parents when I got the news that I'd got the job!!

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DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 29/07/2016 14:26

Natural as it is to be apprehensive over what the future holds, you are lonely IN your relationship.

throneofgames · 29/07/2016 14:29

Yes it was linked to smashing possessions in temper. Always with the response that I drove him to it.

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BitOutOfPractice · 29/07/2016 14:31

Yep. Controlling, violent, childish, selfish, twatbag

glasgowlass · 29/07/2016 14:34

You know what you need to do. Living like that is no life.

BolshierAryaStark · 29/07/2016 14:39

Fuck that love, you're better off without him-way way better off.
He sounds like a fucking cock lodging man child, you've done everything for your child so he could concentrate on the Masters he's now fucked off? That is not a person you should spend the rest of your life with, don't waste another moment of your precious time on this fuckwit.

throneofgames · 29/07/2016 14:43

Ok so next question, how do I actually make friends?! It's so awkward!!

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DownstairsMixUp · 29/07/2016 14:44

I hope he does find this thread to so we can tell him what a cunt he is. Time to leave op.

FunnyTummy · 29/07/2016 14:49

Well I just started doing things that I had wanted to do for ages, but hadn't done them because all my time was dedicated to him.

I joined an exercise class and also started horse riding again. I know what you mean about it being awkward, but I didn't go up to people and say 'can we be friends'! . .I just got talking to people. don't get me wrong . . I had to put my brave pants on to turn up to stuff alone - but that just builds your confidence one you have done it.

do you have family help around you, to help with your son whilst you do something new?

throneofgames · 29/07/2016 14:54

Hi funny tummy! Thanks for your advice. Yes my mum and dad help loads which is great. I don't even know what my interests are, if that makes sense. Maybe an exercise class or a gig or 2. Just not his gigs and no more dating musicians for me!!!

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FunnyTummy · 29/07/2016 14:57

I honestly had no idea either! My mum actually made a few suggestions. One of them being something called 'social solo's . .they might have something similar where you are.

it's not a dating group or anything like that. it's for people who want to make friends in their local area. we went to the cinema, went for a long bike ride, and even had an 'unwanted Christmas present swap night' in the January! . .it was loads of fun and I made friends.
xxxxx

FunnyTummy · 29/07/2016 14:59

when I was going through (almost) the same as you . .my mum said to me 'open your eyes . .there's a whole world of people out there' . . it really made me think.

she also said . . 'get some respect for yourself, or no one else will' . . that one was harder to hear, but worked. xx

notarehearsal · 29/07/2016 14:59

I know here I go again but please have a look at signs of Borderline Personality Disorder and decide from there if you want to bring your child up with a man like this
Your child and you deserve more, you can make choices, the child can't

Fairenuff · 29/07/2016 15:01

So you are going to stay with him then OP, and let your child be subjected to his abuse too?

throneofgames · 29/07/2016 15:02

You're not in the midlands area are you? You sound fab funny tummy!! Grin will start researching groups!

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throneofgames · 29/07/2016 15:04

Trust me, nothing can be harder to hear than some of the shit he's said to me of late!

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3soontobe4fx · 29/07/2016 15:04

Which area of the Midlands are you OP? I'm also in the Midlands, have a shitty relationship and barely anyone to talk to. Mumsnet is my only release x

throneofgames · 29/07/2016 15:05

Not going to stay at all. He must leave, when he gets back on Monday from his shitty gigs. He owns another house, he could live there.

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Fairenuff · 29/07/2016 15:07

And if he refuses to go?

FunnyTummy · 29/07/2016 15:10

Afraid im a little further south :)

Stay strong throne . . .sometimes its easier to just stick it out, but I really do feel like I wasted about a year, when I knew it wasn't right, but continued anyway. don't do that - you wont thank yourself further down the line. xxx

he sounds like a twat

throneofgames · 29/07/2016 15:12

No idea what to do then - go to my parents? Not sure!!

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tipsytrifle · 29/07/2016 15:33

I'm guessing your unexpected return meant you disturbed what's actually his usual routine? As in, he goes back to bed once the house is empty and is giving minimal time to his master's degree. Given that this relationship sounds kind of futile and you don't sound deeply in love or need of him, perhaps now would be a good time to call it a day?

If you're a HT could you afford to gently start viewing other houses to buy/rent if he finds it too hard to get out of bed and leave? Joint property gives him the right to stay. How objectionable is he likely to get?

throneofgames · 29/07/2016 15:38

Well all the bills come out of my account so I couldn't afford 2 houses and he already has one other...

OP posts:
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