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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feeling pretty stupid

82 replies

doinotknowhowluckyiam · 29/07/2016 00:15

So.. Been with my fiancé for about 18 months, we've built an amazing life together and get on amazingly... Genuinely that smug couple to other people (the shame!)

So, he says he's meeting someone after work... I then get texts for him as normal throughout the evening... He says he'll be home at a certain time... 15 mins later than he was due home he calls, says he'll be home in 30 mins... Then I get a text saying that he needs my help and needs it now and then I can't get hold of him..

I run out of our house, trying to find him, frantically calling... End up calling 101 who put me through to the emergency line... He turns up, steaming drunk and pissed off that I called the police... Won't tell me why he needed help...

I look on his phone (not even sorry) to see if he said anything to the guy he said he was meeting... My fiancé had cancelled, saying "something else came up" and further on down his text messages was an address of a local apartment from a number, which when googled, is an escort...

He sees I've got the phone and flies off the handle, chasing me round trying to get it back... Gets it and changes the passcode... Has it set so that if you enter the wrong passcode 10 times the phone gets wiped... So now I'm on the sofa while the drunken arse sleeps it off.... The latest was that he was googling them with a workmate and has never visited one.... That's not washing!

He won't own up to it, even when sober, will he? This is not me, this is not my life...

OP posts:
Emmaroos · 29/07/2016 01:49

Are you over-emphasising the meaning of going to your Mum's to get some sleep and to avoid a messy scene in the morning? I imagine you'll be back tomorrow or Saturday to talk to him, but give yourself time to get used to it all.

Original poster
doinotknowhowluckyiam · 29/07/2016 01:53

I think it's because I know that there's no way back, so yes, we'll speak and do life admin... But once I've gone, I've gone, haven't I?

OP posts:
Emmaroos · 29/07/2016 01:54

All those things are good things and the confidence you found while you were with him is yours, not something he can take away. There were red flags and you were smart enough to notice them and act on them. If we ran to the hills every time we hit a bump no relationship would ever last, but when the combined effect becomes strong enough then you act to take care of yourself BECAUSE you are a happy, strong girl and you aim to stay that way. I have faith in you, and your Mum sounds like she has your back.

Emmaroos · 29/07/2016 01:57

There's already no way back or you wouldn't have told your Mum. In so far as the rest goes, manage it in the best way possible for yourself, and that's probably not when you are in shock and he's hungover.

Original poster
doinotknowhowluckyiam · 29/07/2016 01:58

Thanks... It still feels like a bad dream... I am having waves of anger about what he's done to me... But mostly just numb and nauseous... I just wish I could sleep... But I drifted off earlier and woke up and those few seconds where I forgot and then remembered were enough to put me off sleep for a while...

OP posts:
Emmaroos · 29/07/2016 01:59

I'm going to go to sleep now - you should try and get some sleep too. You must be exhausted. xxx

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 29/07/2016 02:13

I'm so sorry this has happened OP, I cant imagine how you must be feeling but PP are right, please try to sleep a bit if you can manage it. If you are to talk to him about everything in the morning you'll want a clear (well, as clear as it can be) head.

Don't worry about work for now, cannot in sick tomorrow if you need to.

Flowers
Original poster
doinotknowhowluckyiam · 29/07/2016 02:21

Thank you whatthe... Feel a right mug. I wish I could sleep, I'm yawning.. But can't face how I'll feel when I wake up... I'm sure it will happen (probably 5 minutes before my alarm goes off - Sod's law)

OP posts:
LilacInn · 29/07/2016 03:05

you refer to STBXW - does that mean he still is legally married?

So we have a drunkard, selfish, angry, cheating married man who feels the need to visit escorts. And is not, clearly, prioritizing the child he already has sired. Instead he is prioritizing his love life, his sex life, partying, drinking, whatever.

What a stellar individual. Who wouldn't want to crawl into bed and embrace him and put out a glass of water so he won't be thirsty?

I give up.

Original poster
doinotknowhowluckyiam · 29/07/2016 03:08

I give up too, lilac. And yes he's still married, we are (were) expecting the absolute any day now...

I know this whole thing is ridiculous...

OP posts:
LilacInn · 29/07/2016 03:13

So what are you going to do? continue rewarding and pandering to that mentality?

BitOutOfPractice · 29/07/2016 04:33

You haven't "built an amazing life". To start with its only been 18 months and in that short time it sounds like you've been on a merry go round of crisp behaviour from him followed by promises to reform and round and round you go again.

It sounds to me as if he cheated on his ex with you and snow he's doing the same to you. He sounds very far from amazing. He sounds vile.

It also sounds like you rushed into this (he rushed you into this? Because he needed somewhere to live when his ex kicked him out probably) and now you're seeing his true colours

TheNaze73 · 29/07/2016 07:00

I totally agree with bitout it all sounds incredibly rushed. Without wanting to sound judgy, I can't see how you can know someone well enough after only 18 months enough, to commit to them for the rest of your life. Had he pushed this really quickly with you? From what he's done, I wouldn't be surprised in the slightest Hmm

You do 3 things now:

End the relationship immediately
Get an Std test ASAP
Prepare yourself for the rest of your life, one that will be so much better, for having a prostitute using chrat out of it.

Good luck op & stay strong Flowers

Dozer · 29/07/2016 07:08

Run for the hills!

Even before this it sounds like he and your relationship were never "amazing": you don't even know if you were the OW when he had a small baby! Have you ever asked his ex?

18 months isn't long at all and isn't "building a life" if one person is pretending.

It's good that you don't have DC with him.

MephistoMarley · 29/07/2016 07:15

Oh dear Flowers
Well he's not the man you thought he was. I've lived with a drunkard and it's a miserable existence. Especially an unrepentant, blaming, abusive one.
He's a cheat - he cheated on his wife with you and he's cheated on you with prostituted women at the very least.
You rushed this - 18 months in is very quick especially as he had no single time between one wife and the next. Also sounds like you've been struggling with his drinking for some months. I hope this will be the straw that broke the camel's back?

SandyY2K · 29/07/2016 07:19

I too am not convinced you weren't the OW. How long have you been engaged for?

It does seem rushed especially as he is still married. Have you asked why the marriage ended?

Maybe his STBXW also discovered he was cheating with escorts/prostitutes and kicked him out.

This isn't a relationship you want to be in by a long shot.

Goingtobeawesome · 29/07/2016 07:20

This is how you'll feel a lot of the time if you marry this dickhead. Do you really dislike yourself that much that you would chose that? You're not married or pregnant. Easy to walk away compared to being married and pregnant but still hard I know but you have too or he'll treat you worse.
Because you're letting him by staying.

AnyFucker · 29/07/2016 07:21

He moved straight from his stbexw and in with you ?

I expect she was glad to offload the drunken, cheating arsehole.

You've been played, love.

Best to slow things right down next time you meet someone.

whatyouseeiswhatyouget · 29/07/2016 07:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

junebirthdaygirl · 29/07/2016 07:38

The cheating is a direct fall out of the drinking. Most drunks are lovely guys when they are sober but please listen they do not make lovely husbands. This relationship was in big trouble when he started back drinking not just when he cheated. He will lose access to his little one if he continues on this road. This morning he will be full of remorse but that is not the answer. My heart goes out to you because from my extended family l know exactly the kind of guy he is, good and bad. But please don't go into denial this morning. Don't even waste energy on discussing last night. This guy is not good news. Just go home to your mom and leave him. You don't need to tell everyone yet. Give yourself time. Just don't give him the opportunity to charm you back again. If you are worried about him tell his family you're going and go.

category12 · 29/07/2016 07:38

Jeepers, I thought you must have been together several years to have had a period where he never drank, then started drinking again in binge/dry circles. But this is all in 18 months? No wonder you're reluctant to leave, you're still in the semi-infatuated 'honeymoon' period (or New Relationship Energy period). And what a honeymoon it is... Hmm

I know it's hard and you're hopeful he will convince you it isn't as bad as you think, and that he will promise to change, and stick by it this time, and love will conquer all.

But it doesn't.

Walk away.

TheHobbitMum · 29/07/2016 07:47

I hope you managed to get some sleep OP, I agree with everyone else, he isn't amazing he's vile! Get out while you can, it'll be hard but so much easier than a life of being treated like this

Original poster
doinotknowhowluckyiam · 29/07/2016 08:19

Dragged myself to work this morning... Don't really have much to add... My feeling is that he was looking for an out and will be gone by the time I'm home...

OP posts:
Dozer · 29/07/2016 08:26

Hope he is gone, or perhaps he'll beg to stay, stop drinking blah blah, but how come you're not booting him out?

"You never think it's going to be you". There were clear red flags here from the start. adjust your twat radar.

Emmaroos · 29/07/2016 08:29

Hope you got some sleep. I think people are being a little harsh (not about him - he clearly deserves it). 18 months is quick, but I know the type (been there and worn the T Shirt, although unfortunately I didn't walk away until after the wedding). You fell in love with a part of him, and that part probably love bombed you and sold you the story of the magic life you would have together....he had to, and he had to keep the relationship moving forward to minimise the importance of the negative side of it all in contrast.
At a later stage I'd give some headspace as to why you were vulnerable to it, especially when you say your previous relationship wasn't ideal - In my case I had an unsettled childhood (nothing horrific, but bereavement and a difficult relationship with a step father) which left me more desperate for a secure family of my own than most.
For today the task ahead is to do whatever you can to formally end this chapter in your life in whatever way will be the least painful for you.
I think all conversation about what he did or didn't do last night should be shut down - it's not really the point any more. What is the point is that you don't trust him and he is an alcoholic who is in denial about his problem, and you are lucky to know this now. If you hope to have children in the future they deserve much more than to be saddled with a Dad they will be looking after for the rest of his life. He for his part will probably be trying to break down your resolve to leave - don't subject yourself to that.
I wish you well. Go home and lick your wounds for a bit and don't be too hard on yourself - learning from your experiences is not the same thing as beating yourself up. Be proud you are smart enough to walk away now - there will be many on here who wasted far longer in relationships trying to make things work before they got to the point of no return. And let us know how you get on.