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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feeling pretty stupid

82 replies

doinotknowhowluckyiam · 29/07/2016 00:15

So.. Been with my fiancé for about 18 months, we've built an amazing life together and get on amazingly... Genuinely that smug couple to other people (the shame!)

So, he says he's meeting someone after work... I then get texts for him as normal throughout the evening... He says he'll be home at a certain time... 15 mins later than he was due home he calls, says he'll be home in 30 mins... Then I get a text saying that he needs my help and needs it now and then I can't get hold of him..

I run out of our house, trying to find him, frantically calling... End up calling 101 who put me through to the emergency line... He turns up, steaming drunk and pissed off that I called the police... Won't tell me why he needed help...

I look on his phone (not even sorry) to see if he said anything to the guy he said he was meeting... My fiancé had cancelled, saying "something else came up" and further on down his text messages was an address of a local apartment from a number, which when googled, is an escort...

He sees I've got the phone and flies off the handle, chasing me round trying to get it back... Gets it and changes the passcode... Has it set so that if you enter the wrong passcode 10 times the phone gets wiped... So now I'm on the sofa while the drunken arse sleeps it off.... The latest was that he was googling them with a workmate and has never visited one.... That's not washing!

He won't own up to it, even when sober, will he? This is not me, this is not my life...

OP posts:
2nds · 29/07/2016 01:22

If it's your home don't leave, get legal advice and get him out.

Lilacpink40 · 29/07/2016 01:23

He's sleeping because he can get away with sleeping. He was cheating because he thought he could get away with that too.

He's not worth your time or love.

Original poster
doinotknowhowluckyiam · 29/07/2016 01:23

Lilac, I'm so sorry! I hope things are looking up for you (I'm sure they are)

What shocks me is that he wasn't even conscientious enough to cover his own tracks..

OP posts:
Emmaroos · 29/07/2016 01:24

I don't know what your job is or what your boss is like or even how far away your Mum is, but if your boss is human, and you are usually very reliable and you won't be letting anyone down in a major way, I'd call and say you are dealing with a family crisis and need a day off but will be back without fail on Monday. Failing that, go to work park it at the door (don't let him contact you, no reading texts/emails or answering his calls) grind through it and then go home to your Mum. He'll keep until Saturday.

Original poster
doinotknowhowluckyiam · 29/07/2016 01:24

2nds, it's a rental. Jointly in our names, so if one of us officially leaves, we both have to... It's an amazing apartment and could just about afford to run it alone... But I don't want to be here without him. And I don't want him near me right now.

OP posts:
Original poster
doinotknowhowluckyiam · 29/07/2016 01:26

Emmaroos, Work would be a nightmare... I've been so excited, non-stop wedding talk since we booked it a month ago... I can't face it.

OP posts:
Emmaroos · 29/07/2016 01:29

You wouldn't be 'sneaking out'. You would be taking control of the conversation that is now inevitable and steering it to a time and place of your choosing. You would also be diffusing the situation of the initial shock and the influence of alcohol. It's so bloody horrible - you need to mind yourself. xxx

Emmaroos · 29/07/2016 01:31

Then call your boss. Be honest and take one day. Trust that anyone in work who matters will be very sad for you and will care only that you are ok.

Original poster
doinotknowhowluckyiam · 29/07/2016 01:32

Thanks Emmaroos :) I know that I'm allowed to leave... It's just that I don't know how to...

I always knew that if I even ever had a whiff of cheating I'd be out of the door... In any relationship... But here I am!

OP posts:
2nds · 29/07/2016 01:32

Plenty of people cancel their weddings, you really don't have to tell colleagues why you are cancelling, certainly not yet anyway.
Honestly you've had a lucky escape, I'd take that over being pregnant and finding out about him.

BTW I cancelled my own wedding and at the time it was a big deal for a few days with people 'gossiping' but they all soon forgot that I Was ever getting married.

Emmaroos · 29/07/2016 01:33

But please don't be there for a big messy chat/scene in the morning. It's too soon. You need to absorb it all first, and he needs to be sober.

Original poster
doinotknowhowluckyiam · 29/07/2016 01:34

2nds... We've signed a contract after paying a deposit... Will we (he I suppose) have to pay the full amount?

I miss yesterday :(

I do count my lucky stars that I'm not pregnant and I know others have had it much worse... But this is just shit.

OP posts:
2nds · 29/07/2016 01:36

Probably not because thats why you have to pay a deposit. You will lose the deposit and that's it.

Original poster
doinotknowhowluckyiam · 29/07/2016 01:38

The shock is wearing off... I miss him :( he's just next door, but he's not mine anymore (if he ever was)

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 29/07/2016 01:40

"The weddings off because I found out that he cheated" would get you nothing but sympathy. Dont keep his secrets. It doesnt reflect badly on you at all.

2nds · 29/07/2016 01:40

If you have a key for your mum's house and she's not too far away can you not go to your mum's anyway?

2nds · 29/07/2016 01:42

I agree bogeyface plus she'd get people saying they thought he was a twat anyway probably.

Original poster
doinotknowhowluckyiam · 29/07/2016 01:42

I don't feel ready to leave... That's the crux of it...

OP posts:
2nds · 29/07/2016 01:43

Is the std clinic open tomorrow?

Original poster
doinotknowhowluckyiam · 29/07/2016 01:43

Thanks Bogeyface and 2nds Smile I had that when I announced split with my ex, too (and that split wasn't his fault) maybe it's the ones I pick.. They couldn't be more different though..

OP posts:
Original poster
doinotknowhowluckyiam · 29/07/2016 01:44

Yes 2nds... I'll be making a pit stop... Just another sickening part of my new life I suppose...

OP posts:
2nds · 29/07/2016 01:44

I'm away to bed night night, be good to yourself OP.

Emmaroos · 29/07/2016 01:45

It's totally shit. Sad
But don't torture yourself with his inevitable guilt and apologies in the morning. That will only make a bad situation worse. There's no salvaging the happy marriage with the lovely guy that you thought you would have - my guess is that that hasn't been on the cards for some time. Now the choice is between misery with him or the possibility (in time) to meet someone who really can make you happy.
I think you were amazing to call your Mum and tell her everything. Your instincts are telling you loud and clear what has to happen next. Find the course of action to minimise the pain as much as possible. Don't torture yourself with false hope, and if you still really love him (or the person you hoped he was) don't let that be used against you to make this more painful than it needs to be.

Original poster
doinotknowhowluckyiam · 29/07/2016 01:45

Good night x

OP posts:
Original poster
doinotknowhowluckyiam · 29/07/2016 01:48

Emmaroos, you're right... There have been so many "red flags" but you never think it's going to be you...

He seemed so perfect, I'd never been more happy, more settled, comfortable with myself... I've been promoted because I'm better at my job, I've stopped dieting for the first time in my adult life and I've laughed more than I ever have...

But it was a lie (or at least a big enough part of it for it to be broken now)

OP posts: