H has been using massage parlour

[Happymassage]

Just that really. I am 35 weeks pregnant and upset is an understatement. I am a long time lurker and last week I checked his email and saw that he had messaged people on craigslist for massage services. I confronted him, he denied, saying 'you know I was researching that'. I called him on his bullshit (he did - a year ago), and then he said that he was looking into getting a massage with a handjob but did not go through with it. I told him I did not believe him, went mad at him (all via text unfortunately, as he was in no position to talk). He went to a work's drink thing that night, came back, would not speak about it, and I slept on the couch, getting only a few hours sleep. Next morning he said he would talk and admitted to visiting a place three times and getting a handjob at the end of it. I went mad on him, he seemed a bit remorseful, said sorry, but said he was stressed and it was just for stress release, that he did not see it as a sexual thing. Which I know is bullshit.

Thing is, I have been trying to engage with him sexually for months. He repeatedly turns me down, saying he is tired or that he feels uncomfortable because I am pregnant with his baby. So I feel really devastated, heavily pregnant, unattractive and rejected right now.

I have pointed out the STI risks, the moral/legal risks - this to me is a BIG deal paying for a service, using family money for an exploitation-based trade. He is evasive, and does not like to talk about it. He is away for the week unfortunately, so I am very limited in the contact, so I am left with my thoughts about how to deal with this bombshell.

It's not like we are a sexually prudish couple. Before pregnancy we actively involved others sexually. To me, it is lying and deception that is the issue. We used a site together which I then discovered he was using to contact others for his own needs (webcamming). I have caught him before on various dating/affair sites, where he has swore that he has never met with anyone and he uses them for webcamming (which is something which I said was ok, albeit reluctantly). I went mad about the sites and he said he would not do that again. All sites were deleted. Now he has gone that bit further in the lying and deception.

He is a very good husband in other ways, a great stepdad, very well house trained, caring. He has a high stress job too and several hobbies so he is very busy a lot of the time. He has been drinking a lot (at home) for the past few years. We have been through a heck of a lot together - some incredibly stressful family stuff that would break most people. We have both made sacrifices. As I said, it is a good marriage, apart from these lies. He thinks it is not cheating and has said he has never cheated on me. Every time I discover something else, I feel upset, then deflated. Perhaps because I am so heavily pregnant, this time I am at the end of it. If he cannot change, properly change, I can't see a way forward. That thought is scary as hell in my current vulnerable situation.

I have booked a relate session for us for next week. It all feels so cliched and seedy.

I know his character and I fully believe that he finds it all as escapism and it has nothing to do with our relationship

I fully understand Happy two of my best friends are exactly like this. Weird as it may sounds, I think, they think they are actually helping their DW's by keeping some of the behaviour away from the home.

You need to draw up clear boundaries because I think the swinging has blurred the moral compass on this.

In your situation you know your DH better than any of us, if it was a handjob then did he do this because he didn't count it as cheating? or do you think that it went further?

From him being on affair/dating sites I wouldn't expect this man to be faithful.

This must be utterly horrendous for you pregnant or not.

He has a serious secret sex addiction (escapism is easier for you to try and accept), and sadly something this bad can't be articulated by posters in cotton wool.

I think you need time to think about and absorb what people are saying (some with lots of experience), because they are right and there isn't a kind way of saying how wrong it all is.

I wonder how genuinely happy you were to participate sexually with others in your relationship, because I'd bet my bottom dollar it was initiated by him, and you showed willing not to upset your knight in shining armour.

He is abusing you btw, No loving DH would do this to their wife, let alone pregnant wife. He needs a lot of help and that's if he can be.

Sorry OP, I know that's a harsh post.

Sorry OP but I think you are desperately trying to salvage some good from him but he's not been behaving in a good manner at all - you don't really have a marriage, a marriage is built on trust and fidelity, he's already broken that.

For me, the first mistake was your boundaries and allowing him to webcam women for sex, he's moved that on to sex massages - I mean, do you not have a limit of what you see as acceptable in a relationship because he's basically acting like a single man, and do that to you whilst pregnant is just disgusting, in fact paying for sex is vile, I hate men like this, and he seems to actually be justifying his cheating.

I don't really see him changing his ways, unless you can both sit down and work out a plan that involves a relationship that doesn't involve others, then it's doomed.

We all suffer stress, anxiety, I'd never in a million years cheat on my partner, it's the ultimate insult to me, perhaps you are more tolerant, good luck.

Tbh, if I was in your shoes, I'd at least ask him to leave and I'd either go home to my family or have them live with me until I felt stronger.

I know his character and I fully believe that he finds it all as escapism and it has nothing to do with our relationship.

I think what you need to ascertain from him, is whether he will be satisfied in a marriage where he doesn't have any sexual contact or interaction with another woman or man), without your explicit consent.

From how things have progressed and how he takes it up a gear every time, I somehow doubt it, but so that you know where you stand - you need the absolute truth from him on this one, otherwise you'll keep on going round in circles and facing a knock every time.

I think he just wants you to be okay with anything that doesn't involve his emotions where other women are concerned. There are a few wives who are .... but he didn't marry one of them.

Sandy I think part of the problem is that I put up a boundary (no dating websites for example) and he complies. Then he does something completely different. The underlying thread is the deception and inability to communicate.

It's not really his inability to communicate, it's his desire to just carry on doing these things and hide it from you. He knows you wouldn't want such behaviour, so the alternatives are not to do it or hide it. He's chosen the latter.

I know I need the absolute truth. It is going to be a difficult few days waiting until I can talk to him.

Gives him plenty time to come up with more stories then.

Do you really want to be with person that is paying for sex and is saying it's not cheating, I mean, he's actually got the cheek to present himself as ok when in fact, he's a total sleaze.

Happy in a way it's a blessing that he is not there now. Gives you time and space to think and for your thoughts to progress.

Try not to think about it all of the time, though. It won't do you any good. Do something nice for you or indulge in something you find relaxing or therapeutic.

My ex partner would do things like this. Always on chat rooms. And the lies that accompanied. I also made excuses for him. I would say he was a good man. But the truth is a good man wouldn't do this to you. After forgiving him a few times he always went back into his habits. He believed I would always forgive him. I was a fool. I'm also pregnant and having twins but I feel happier now than I did with him. He bought me down so low until I didn't recognise myself anymore. Don't you realise you don't deserve to be treated like this? Friends would always tell me how stupid I was being. I was a doormat. If you think he will change then I promise you, he really won't.

You will never know the truth.

Only what he decides to tell you.

You need to make your decision on never knowing the truth.

Oh dear op.

This is horrendous.
Would your dh be perfectly happy for you to be given a handjob by another man?
Would ge be happy for you to film ypurself for other men?

What he has done is cheating. He wanted another woman yo wank him off until he came. He wants to look at other women until he comes.
Nobody joins a dating site unless they want to meet someone either for sex or a relationship. Absolutely nobody I know does thus and I know a lot of people who have used/ use dating sites.
He is making a fool of you.

However due to your condition please try not to stress( easier said than done).

He is also a liar.
He is not a good man.

Hope you're doing OK, OP x

He lies because it's convenient, he lies because he doesn't want his behaviour to be challenged, he lies because he doesn't respect you, he lies because he's a liar. Expecting honesty from a dishonest person is futile. He will always rationalise his dishonesty (knowing that on past experience, there will be no consequences) and you will always be on the look out for the next lie.

There will come a time (hopefully, sooner rather than later), when you can't be bothered with the excuses and rationalisations because you'll be too busy parenting the child you gave birth to and not the man sized one you married.

Thank you. I am ok, just trying to get on with chores today. I will post again after we talk.

Wifely services? What the fuck are they?

Not sure why the mention of wifely services? I am preparing the house for my baby. And if anything H does the majority of the cooking and is very proactive in the house. Please don't make assumptions that are not correct. I don't find that kind of hysteria constructive and there are bigger issues (clearly).

Do you think he loves you?

Thank you IT - I have been sleeping enough, yes. I have seen a different midwife every time, which is fine. I don't like confiding in people in real life. Comparatively, I have been through far worse, so I have become quite emotionally self-sufficient in some respects.

Yes, I do think he loves me. The things he has put up with to be in this relationship would attest to that alone.

Why are you bothering analysing this? It's pointless. All the thinking, talking and therapy in the world won't change anything.

He won't change so it's up to you to either leave or put up with it.

It's actually that simple. Your emotions might be all over the place which makes making a decision difficult but the facts are crystal clear.

I'd throw him out.

I think that posters having a go at happy aren't helping tbh.
It's not because she hasn't copme out straighht away saying I'm going to kick him iout that she is wroing for doing so.
Some couples go through infedility and having affairs and come out much stronger. But they only do because they ave given themselves the time and the opportunity to do so.
Besides, this is not what the OP wants to do just now (which is totally understandable for a lot of reasons).

Happy I hope your talk with your DH has gone as well as it could. Do you have a clearer idea of what's going on?

Thank you IT, trying to get a lot of rest. Nearly 36 weeks and constant uterus tightening - just trying to relax through it.

Hi Mammouth, we have had intermittent text conversation today. He is willing to do whatever it takes, and will go with whatever decision I make. He knows he has a problem and is willing to deal with it. I do think it is online sex addiction ramped up to the next level just recently and he has never dealt with the underlying causes. He is willing to go to counselling for it, as well as couple counselling. It is too early for any decisions - I have got nowhere near any of that. But I do know that if he changes, truly changes, and works through these issues and be emotionally honest with me, then we can stand a chance.