DH has to think about going away for a weekend with me

[LippyLiz]

DH has had a brief affair, started as emotional in Feb, I found out in Apr, he went to stay at a friends for space and said he wouldn't be in touch with OW. He kept visiting me and kids midweek and for full weekends. Found out in June affair had progressed, we separated on the Fri and on the Tues found out he'd gone away for a weekend with her, blazing argument over the phone, very sorry etc. He came back on the Weds full of remorse and guilt and we've been working on things very slowly for the last 3 weeks. He's still at his friends but he's spending more time up here. We don't argue, never have, I feel dissatisfied with his attempts to sort things out, perhaps it's because he has his doubts, as do I, but mine are stronger doubts.

Because I've been trying to get us back together for over 3 months not knowing affair was progressing, I'm now getting past the point. He knows this but still wants to work on being a couple and family again. I know this won't happen overnight but he's only been working at things for 3 weeks so we're on different pages....

Anyway, today I asked him if he fancied me and him going away for a weekend, away from kids, house etc. He said 'can I think about it?'. I asked him why and he said 'because he wants to make sure we won't get on each other's nerves' type thing. He is an insensitive oaf but is this sensible of him or a sign he's not trying hard enough? Advice please

It seems YOU are making all the real effort. 'Can I think about it?' I'm afraid my response would be 'Feel free to take as long as you want while I shove all your stuff in bin bags.'

The cheek!!!

Sorry it kept saying oops it'd failed to post

Sorry, OP.

He has another phone.

He has a girlfriend.

He's 'not really cheating' on his girlfriend if he doesn't finish inside you (and please tell me this is a condom situation for your own health's sake)

He's 'enjoying where you are now' because you're running yourself ragged trying to get him to pick you and he isn't.

Two women, one huge ego trip.

Please stop this now. You deserve better and better is out there.

Blocking her means nothing when he has a burner phone.

Not finishing inside you might be guilt but more likely because you aren't her. I'm sure he'd have no problem finishing inside her right now.

Much of his behaviour shows he has checked out and his heart is with her, no matter what he tells you. He went away for space but then spends the weekend away with her.

He should have been on bended knees thanking you for the opportunity to spend the weekend away and for your willingness to even try, but instead he has to think about it.

I'd be even less likely to reconcile with a cheating DH if my DDs knew. I don't want them thinking they should do the same in the future.

This isn't the kind of man I would want to stay with. He blew his chance and by you accepting this, it gives the message you will continue every 'slip up' from him.

You shouldn't have to be in contact with your husband's OWs spouse as a means of policing.

What he wants is a wife and a mistress. Remove yourself from his list of desires and don't allow yourself to be disrespected.

if he really is not still with the other woman then he is still carrying a torch for her and has put you firmly in second place.

He is just too cowardly to end it with you, so do yourself a favour and make the move for him, put YOU first and get rid!

Set a good example for your girls, no one needs a man so badly they degrade themselves.

Well I tried to end it last night, told him a lot about how I felt. Said I could go on no more. He insisted he thought we could work it through, he just wants to make sure things are right between us, he doesn't want to be set free, he wants us to work at being together. I said no and went outside for fresh air. At that moment I realised I'm not ready to lose him (possible kneejerk reaction). Normally I don't make snap decisions, I make sure I'm ready for the consequences etc, but last night I wasn't. I still don't think he is talking to her, I know I could be wrong.

He ended it with me when we separated nearly 4 weeks ago and admitted at that point that he was a coward which is why he still denied the affair in its entirety. So if that was the case and we were already apart but he was with OW, why would he come back. He didn't have to, he had her, his freedom etc, but he did come back. She didn't split with him, she went home to tell her DH that she wanted to be with my DH and he's confirmed this.

I think I need proper counselling and a holiday with my girls. I've been so strong for over 3 months but paranoia keeps setting in and it's hard to shake off. It's an awful feeling not to be in control of your feelings.

He came back because they do and there's this awful period of limbo where they're swearing blind to everyone that they've chosen then.

It's so awful and I'm so sorry you're going through this. Holiday sounds like an amazing idea. Do it.

When I say I tried to finish it, I did, but he somehow managed to talk me round with his insistence. I need to do it when I'm 100% strong, not when I think I'm 100% strong.

You deserve so much better than what you are getting. I think you need to step back and take a look at how this sounds as an outsider.

I know you love him and you want to make it work, but do you really think he is doing all he can to get you back?

Sorry you are going through this. just try to realise that you are worth more than what you are getting, and the longer it goes on, the harder it will be to rebuild your trust and self esteem.

xxxx

why would he come back. He didn't have to, he had her, his freedom etc, but he did come back. She didn't split with him, she went home to tell her DH that she wanted to be with my DH and he's confirmed this.

He came back to you after she told her DH she wanted your DH?

Could it be the grass wasn't as green as he thought it was with her?

The stress and hassle of divorce and the financial aspect?

The impact on your children perhaps?
The guilt and shame of what he's done?

It may well be that he's done what he sees as the right thing, but he's missing her and is struggling with his feelings.

That happens quite a lot with MM. They miss what they had with the OW, who they talked with and texted every day and who they shared all their secret with.

They describe it as the loss of a best friend. So he's struggling with withdrawing from his 'drug' of choice in the OW. I'll see if I can dig out something about how MM feels post affair and misses the OW. That's whether he ended it or there was a dday.

Even though these men are not your husband, it gives you an insight into how they think.

Unfortunately, he's not currently feeling the emotional connection with you and that's probably why he doesn't want to go away with you.

None of what I've said is done to hurt you at this very difficult time. I've just heard the same from different perspectives many times.

Perhaps you could do with some time apart without making a final decision right now.

What you need to do is stop suggesting things to him. Make him win you back and give the very clear message that you capable of having a good life with or without him.

Here's a link to the 180. Take or leave what you like, but I suggest you get on with life, go out without him with your friends, dress well/look good, don't appear needy and leave him to bring up any discussion about your marriage and future.

Let him arrange marriage counselling, let him start doing the heavy lifting to fix this at the start.

That in itself will show his commitment to repairing the damage.

beingabeautifulmess.files.wordpress.com/2012/07/180logo.jpg

He didn't want to be 'set free'? Wow - just by going off his language - he is telling you he is trapped.

Something is keeping him with you op but I'm sorry I really don't think it's anything to do with how much he loves you or wants to be with you.

You need to have a good look at your finances and see how much worse off he would be if he wasn't with you. That might shed some light on it.

That sounds to me, as though he is visiting to see the children. Surely he should have jumped at the chance of alone time with you?

Tbh, I think you should cut your losses. You have every chance of meeting a lovely guy who won't dick you around.

Could it be the grass wasn't as green as he thought it was with her?

The impact on your children perhaps?

The guilt and shame of what he's done?

All of the above. He knew that I had a feeling he'd gone with her on the first night and on the following day I told him I couldn't see him again as he was making me ill. You could hear a pin drop. He told me that neither were having a great time and it wasn't what they thought, guilt etc. They both left a day early and she told her DH, and my DH finally told me the full truth.

I listened to him for the first couple of weeks about how much he was going to miss her. So hard but I listened. Sandy, you've talked a lot of sense, because he hasn't mentioned her I'd sort of forgotten he could be missing her and as strange as it is, I get that. Is attitude towards us has changed over the last nearly 4 weeks and so perhaps him missing her is lessening as he says he has no contact.

I will look at the link later when I've time. I'm not that snivelling person who's being really needy and not doing anything for herself. I go out walking most days, I've extended my hours at work, I'm socialising a bit and oi really not looked this good in 13 years xx

Hmm. Just imagine if you hadn't found out in April. Do you think it would still be going on? Again, if you hadn't sussed the weekend away, would he have told you? What's his excuse for the affair anyway? You don't fulfill his needs blah blah blah? If he really wants to get back with you he would be doing everything in his power to make amends and make you feel like a princess again. As for having casual sex with this toad, how can you be sure he's clean?

I listened to him for the first couple of weeks about how much he was going to miss her. So hard but I listened

op wtf??

He sounds like he thinks he is doing you some favour. Op dig deep and find yourself respect and get rid. What an absolute narcissistic twat!

He doesn't want to be set free and he was going to miss her - which he made you listen to for weeks. Wow what a sacrifice he has made for you!

Why are you still making excuses for him? He sounds like he has been punishing you

at op's last post... DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITCH!!

Some men just can't stand seeing women getting in with their life and doing well - sounds like he noticed you thriving and is pulling you back down again

Dear God, just leave the selfish, lying, cheating arsehole.

Have some self respect! He's got another phone, and he's biding his time (siphoning off funds, waiting until she's done the same) until he can be with the one he currently loves*.

• Currently, because when their relationship gets past the lust stage, he'll do the same to her.

He has little if any; respect for you.

He will definitely have zero respect for you if you continue on this path. I know it sounds like victim blaming but it's very hard for most people to have respect for someone they have treated with utter contempt (and emotionally destroyed) but can still emotionally manipulate into doing what they want, when they want and under the circumstances they want.

He is in slang terms 'mugging you off' and you're letting him. I understand the complexities of being the wronged partner in an affair but he has treated you dreadfully, still shags you on occasion but makes you feel inferior in some way as he won't come inside you and you want a weekend away with him?.

Seriously. Fuck him off a.s.a.p.

Lippyliz

I thought as much regarding the not so green grass.

Affairs are usually fantasy based. It's easy to be fantastic when the other person only sees your good side. The side you use to impress people with. We can all do this is we spend limited time with others.

During affairs you aren't dealing with bills and children or the leaking roof etc. It's really not reality.
When it comes down to it, they realise there's no substance to the relationship and without the secret getaways it's not that exciting anymore.

That's why they say the best way to end an affair is to expose it. So many think this is revenge, but that's not necessarily the case.
Then the WS has to face the cold hard truth of what they've done. All of a sudden it just doesn't seem worth it anymore.

I'd seriously let him step up and it's not just about saying what you want to hear. It's actually showing his remorse in his actions.

If he hasn't got a second phone he is definitely using a messaging app that he deletes as soon as he gets home.

Check his phone for what apps he's downloaded. If it's an iPhone then go to App Store -> Updates -> Purchased. It will list all the apps he's ever downloaded.

He's a bullshitter.

You are just wasting your own time at this point.

I am so, so sorry for you but honestly this is the difficult part. Cut him loose and start working on your self-esteem. Get this loser out of your life. Seems to me he is taking advantage of your love and your willingness to live up to the commitment you made. However, all that effort on your part won't help if he's taking the piss.

Starting from today, start looking out for number one.

The deleted apps thing is a good point. It takes 2 seconds to reinstall when he leaves the house.

It probably doesn't feel like it but you're doing really well to be getting through this. He's treating you so badly. Not finishing inside you when your his wife and the mother of his children

Missed off my angry face but here it is...