Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

AIBU "intruders" in laws

86 replies

OneAppleADay · 17/07/2016 11:03

Hi
I live in a house with two entrances, the main one that leads to the hall and the back glass door that leads directly to the living room.
To get to the back door one has to open the gate to the garden and go around the house.
I am used to go around in comfortable clothes when I am home, like for example light clothes, no bra, just a t-shirt and VERY short shorts. So, the kind of clothes you don't want to be seen in.
The thing is, my BIL uses to show up without a notice (which is almost enough to annoy me), but also comes trough the back door, coming straight in as it is usually unlocked. What a terrible surprise. Last time I was just coming out from the shower and had zero clothes on me, apart from the towel.
Does it happen with everyone? I mean, is that an acceptable behavior?
AIBU to feel annoyed?

OP posts:

Original poster

OneAppleADay · 17/07/2016 13:24

OMG I said DH talked to him. Is there any difference between me talking or him talking? I don't get it. If he knows he is not welcome this way, then he should stop doing it no matter who told him to stop.

OP posts:

OlennasWimple · 17/07/2016 13:24

If your family can come and go through the side gate without you hearing it, so can anyone else. This is really really unsafe, and you need to secure it. If anyone comments, you can just say "we heard about done attempted burglaries in the area so needed to improve own lien security. You can still knock on the front door to see if we are around"

OlennasWimple · 17/07/2016 13:28

Do you know what DH actually said, though? If his family are used to just dropping in, then DH provably dies too, so his chat may have been along the lines of

"OneApple doesn't like unannounced visitors"

"Oh, why's that?"

"Dunno, but just make sure you knock on the door before coming in"

"Sure"

Ie a sort of vague conversation, not a specific do not come around the side and in through the back door conversation

Original poster

OneAppleADay · 17/07/2016 13:28

The gate is a little over 1 meter high. Not for stopping intruders, only to stop dogs coming in and small kids going out. And should stop guests from coming in the wrong way as well, but it is easy to jump and putting a padlock there would not improve security.

OP posts:

Original poster

OneAppleADay · 17/07/2016 13:32

Maybe Olennas. I will check how it was said.

OP posts:

Wolpertinger · 17/07/2016 13:36

Talk to him yourself - you already know your DH thinks you are weird about this you are so not so the conversation like as not didn't happen or was so casual your BIL barely noticed.

Next time BIL does it just say 'BIL can you not come into my house by the back gate unannounced anymore. I would prefer if you rang before coming over please and used the front door'.

PokemonGo · 17/07/2016 13:41

It all sounds a bit silly and easily preventable. It seems a bit daft to be wandering around lightly clothed but with all the doors unlocked.

What about a motion activated buzzer set up on your side gate so you can hear when it's opened.

Spadequeen · 17/07/2016 13:53

For security reasons I would be installing a higher gate and keep it locked. Your dh and bil don't see it as a problem, you do, so do something about it rather than moan on here.

For what it's worth, I agree with you, I would be highly irritated that your wishes were being ignored, don't care whether it's the norm for him, he's been asked to not do it and he should accept that, but he hasn't and he won't,

cozietoesie · 17/07/2016 14:03

Yes. Say it yourself - you have no idea how your DH put it. (And you said that you yourself would find it difficult to speak bluntly to someone so imagine how much moe so your DH might have found it with his own brother.)

I simply wouldn't tolerate BIL's behaviour.

cozietoesie · 17/07/2016 14:03

DeathStare · 17/07/2016 15:22

Why are you so against locking the door? Pretty much everyone has suggested it and it's guaranteed to solve the problem instantly with no arguments or awkward conversations and no cost. Yet you're still debating the overall problem without commenting on everyone's solution.

Original poster

OneAppleADay · 17/07/2016 15:38

Thanks.
Hard to explain how the property is as it is kind of rural so having a high gate wouldn't help in terms of security as it is not closed around anyway.
I mean, it has clear boarders so that well behaved people understand how far they can go and that it is private property. Boarder with the neighbor for example is just some low bushes but I don't cross to his garden and he doesn't cross to mine because it is clear what is his and what is my property. Still, if criminals want to come to my property through his (that is wide open all around), they just need to be more than 2 year old to make it.
There are absolutely no safety issues in the area so that the only intruder so far is my bil.
Property is big around the house so I could go as undressed as I wished with all doors unlocked and yet no one would be able to see.
Just a bit weird to be questioned why I want to use this or that clothes inside my own house. I guess privacy is a right I have and he is the one doing wrong. Why should I change my dress code inside my own property?
My main question was either it is normal and acceptable behavior or not. I see it is not, I will talk to him myself next time. Thanks everyone.

OP posts:

Original poster

OneAppleADay · 17/07/2016 15:40

DeathStare, no. I have commented I will lock the gate. 😉
Locking the back door is harder as we use the veranda all the time.

OP posts:

DeathStare · 17/07/2016 15:49

Locking the back door is harder as we use the veranda all the time.

Locking the door adds an extra 3 seconds to getting out on the veranda. If it's not worth that to solve the problem with your BIL then the problem with your BIL really isn't that big a deal to you.

Spadequeen · 17/07/2016 15:51

The thing is every feels differently whether it is normal or not. Obviously your bil and dh feel it is normal, you don't. You have requested that he stop doing it, your dh has said that he asked him and he's carried on. Short of you telling him yourself and making it very clear there's not a lot else you can do. That's why people have suggested loving the gate or the door.

diddl · 17/07/2016 15:51

I would have thought that the more important thing is preventing access to the back door-especially if people can see in.

Hissy · 17/07/2016 19:03

Go Batshit on his arse! Seriously!

You've tried nice, you've tried subtle, scream at him to get out of your house and never to come in again without having some respect and knocking

Spadequeen · 17/07/2016 19:28

What Hissy said!

cozietoesie · 17/07/2016 19:34

After all, you told your MiL face to face and she stopped doing it.

DinosaursRoar · 17/07/2016 19:45

Right now, your BIL has been told by his brother not to just call round, and has decided he can ignore his brother, but ignoring you is a different matter, particularly if when he does call round and let himself in you never say anything negative about it /have an atmosphere, so it might not be clear that you aren't happy with it.

Lock the gate and back door, you actually won't have to do that often, first time bil tries to get in and finds it all locked up, he'll either presume you are out or go to the front door, you can breezily say "oh yes, I'm keeping them locked now, I really hate people just letting themselves in, ring at the front from now on, the door will normally be locked."

After a couple of times if trying and finding it locked, he'll be "trained" to go round the front first.

DinosaursRoar · 17/07/2016 19:46

Or what hissy said!

Veterinari · 17/07/2016 19:59

Are you by any chance in Northern UK OP? For many families the back four is traditionally used by family/friends, often only with a brief knock or 'hello' and enter if the door is open. It's totally normal and may be a tough habit to break. It doesn't mean you shouldn't try if you're not comfortable, but there aren't necessarily sinister motives to this behaviour. I now live in a city but when I go back to my home town it's totally normal to walk into the back door of friends/family and call out 'hello' - probably a bit weird if you're not used to it.

sykadelic · 17/07/2016 20:15

It is the done thing here in the Midwest to just walk-in. As someone else said about the front door is for strangers and the back door for friends/family. HOWEVER I don't care that this is the "done thing" here. I am not okay with people walking in and out of my house whenever they feel like it.

#1 - I have dogs. They may or may not eat you. Most people they know but we haven't had someone come in while we're not here (that I'm aware of)

#2 - I too have house clothes for when I get home/get up. I don't wear "normal clothes" unless I'm going somewhere and neither do I wear a bra. I'm naked and walk to our room after a shower, and I don't wear clothes to bed so I'm also naked when I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.

#3 - In the early days, DH and I would have sex at random times of the day in random rooms. Now it's the bedroom (we have a baby gate to block the dogs) but still random times of the day.

When we first bought the house one of the first things DH told his family and friends was that I would prefer if people texted/knocked. We have no problem with visitors I just need a second to chuck a bra on or get dressed or pick up the dog toys!

I totally understand the OP's displeasure. We have the blinds closed at the moment because it's hot outside (they're the light/heat blocking curtains) but we'll be changing them out soon enough for sheers so I'm actually going to have to wear a dressing gown to and from the bathroom!

Original poster

OneAppleADay · 17/07/2016 21:36

DeathStare, thanks for sharing your opinion but I am not going to explain here all the dynamics of our routines and why I can't lock the back door. It just can't be locked.

Hissy laughed with your answer. That's what I was actually looking for here, to know if my reaction is unreasonable because I need to do something about that. As I see now, iANBU. So I can go and talk to him and make him understand that is not acceptable.
Would be unfair to have to change mine and my kids routines at home because of him. So he will have to change.

Veterinari, no I am actually living abroad now.

Thanks for all the answers.

OP posts:

Original poster

OneAppleADay · 17/07/2016 21:40

Sykadelic, I totally agree. It doesn't matter if it is the done thing! How annoying...

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4