I don't know what to tell my children

[KrakenAwakes]

Short version. DH and I married 10 years. DH caught having affair just before Christmas. Him and OW were discussing how they would raise our DC and also sharing many photos of them online at work and using social media. I kicked him out and we booked relate, went a few times in Jan. He secretly kept seeing other woman and vanished in mid Feb. At Easter I reached out and he was upset and desperately wanted to go to relate. I booked and paid for double session. He didn't show - found out he was at hers. Solicitor filed for divorce. He never showed to mediation. Shit got weird. He has been warned for harassment. Finally showed to mediation so now we are going some time in August. He's not bothered with either kids birthday, never asked how they are or told them he loves them. The OW is spouting off at work (we have a mutual acquaintance) about the bitch of an ex wife (me) who won't let him visit his kids and she can't wait to be the best step mummy in the whole world - bought outfits for them etc etc

Kids (2 & 5) not seen him in 5 months, oldest has little communication - all relevant agencies involved state no contact until ex agrees to work with dc1 needs and it would start with supervised contact. Both DC 'clingy' and hysterical if I leave, comes in waves but oldest is very anxious about change and has been described as disturbed.

But they want to know why daddy left. And after 5 months I have run out of patience with waiting for ex being able to 'develop a story together', I am adamant I will not lie to my children and so far have with great restraint not spoken badly of him.

1. Keep repeating current line - Daddy made a bad choice (this is used at school) and sometimes when we make bad choices we feel very sad inside and have to hide for a while

2. Daddy decided that he didn't want to be married to mummy anymore and made some other friends

I can't say he has been poorly (as my DC will worry, especially the oldest), they don't buy the line he is at work, and when he went that awful day in December he foolishly told my oldest that he had hurt mummy very badly and had to go. They only saw him 4-5 times after that (although I did make him visit on Christmas Day) because he just wasn't bothered to arrange anything. I am absolutely terrified if I make the wrong decision now then I will lose them to lies when they get older. They are still so very young I feel I have to tell them something.

What worked for you? Especially if this happened to your parents - what do you wish you were told or not told?

I'll come back as well to respond to the long and very helpful messages too. Just juggling Saturday morning chaos.

What a poor excuse for a father.
I'm so sorry you have to deal with that for your DCs.
I don't know what I would say about why their dad isn't seeing them (not helpful I know!)

I didn't really want to list the things he did when we were marred because ultimately I didn't stand up to him at the time and it will skew responses. I'm also not about to add them in as it is drip feeding.

He wasn't the best dad but he was their dad. He wasn't the best husband either. But he was my husband. I nearly broke myself trying to be the best wife I could knowing he left his first wife and wanting to keep him.

I just wanted to find out what others could tell me about how I go about reducing as much as possible the impact on my two children. For the advice to insist on reminding me he left me not the children is brutal - I know that and think about it daily. But again I try to counter that with the fact the issue was him not me. I did nothing wrong in this marriage, no arguments, no dissent, sex on tap and always putting him first. Always. I was effectively a doormat. To be reminded he rejected me makes me return to those dark days of feeling it was my fault. His behaviour was and is horrendous to me and to our children.

Well Op it does sound like your H has done you all a favour in the long run.

I think it sounds like depending on the question your earlier thoughts of

"Daddy has made some choices I don't understand" is also a suitable response.

I'd stop wasting your money chasing him. Let him do the legwork if/when he wants to resume contact.

If you haven't already read it I suggest reading "How to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk" because I think it's also a case that your older DD will have mixed feelings - sadness and anger towards her Dad and you can help her voice them and understand that it's ok to have them.

Not only is it brutal to say, it's not true either is it? He HAS left the children and, whilst I don't advocate pointing that out to them, it is where the OP is and she has no idea how to manage it for that very reason.

Yes he has left his children by definition of not being arsed to make the effort to see them since.:.

But what's the good in saying that to them?

None at all. But there's no good in harshly pointing out something to the OP that isn't true either. All it does is make her feel shit,

I understand what the poster meant though - that men who leave their marriages leave their WIVES not their kids.
In this case by definition of not seeing them since he has left his kids...

Either way my heart aches for these kids who have to deal with the fact dad doesn't want to see them and the fact that their mum is left trying to explain this in a way which causes them least hurt :(

Men should just be "leaving" their wives but in reality some arseholes do leave because of their children. I have no doubt my children "mother" also left because she didn't really want to be with my DP and she also didn't want to be a mother. If they didn't leave the children too these types of NRP would be fighting a lot harder to see their children.

My father left because he didn't want to be a father, he would have happily stayed around I think if it was just my mum. It is utterly heartbreaking what these "parents" do

You might find it helpful to talk face to face with a counsellor and / or family therapist . your gp can refer. In my area ypu can also get a 45 minute consult over phone eith child psychologist which I utilised and found helpful when youngest dd had v conflicted feelings about my exp her dad .

I would send him one last letter (& same to OW.)
Saying you have now spent 3K on trying to get him to be involved in his children's lives. The kids are hurting, & asking for him. You have done everything in your power to arrange for XH to see them. But as of the end of the month, you feel that any more lying, or wasting money will stop.
He can attempt to be a man & a father, but he needs to decide now.

& to bitch OW, add, You have never refused access, & she can fuck off.