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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So apparently I've just ruined dp's birthday...

77 replies

Keeponmoving03 · 13/07/2016 20:34

Dp and I have been together nearly 8 years it's has been a bit rocky at times but we've come together and moved on. Well I say that today is dp's birthday, he doesn't like a great fuss so just an ordinary day with work. He loves lamb so I thought I'd get some lamb steaks for dinner. Got in and he's just as quiet as yesterday. I started the dinner and he comes and asks me if I would mind if he had something else, he'd do his own stuff. I was surprised as lamb is his favourite. He then complained that the steaks were really thin and not proper. I had paid £10 for 4 m&s steaks so that he could have three if he so wished or there would be enough for leftover lunch!!! I didn't say this, I just kept calm. The thing is, he has been quiet since Monday night when he had a strop, we were having sex and when I changed position he tried to force my head in the direction he wanted me to go. I absolutely hate that and has made him aware of this before. He said that I like it but I insisted no and told him that instead he should tell me what he wanted, he got out of bed and slammed the door ( he had had a few beer). So when he all of a sudden has a problem with a lamb dinner I thought there is more to it. I calmly asked if he's alright and if this had anything to do with the other night. He started swearing about the steaks and how rubbish there were (they are so not) and said that if he had a problem with the other night he'd say so, well from experience I know that this is not the case, he can stew over things for days and I have addressed this before telling him I'm not a mind reader and refuse to walk on egg shells. I said that I was just checking and if he's in a quiet mood that's fine. I packed the food away as I quite frankly wasn't in the mood to cook anything (in fact I felt like screaming my head off but that would just make the situation worse). I went to the bedroom to read. He started banging doors and eventually I got up and asked what's going on but got no answer. He then decided to go to bed, and as I picked up my book and closed the door I heard him say something so I opened the door again and asked if he said something. He answered yes thank you for ruining my birthday bitch. I was gobsmacked, he's never talked to me like that before! I preceded to then open the door and shouted don't you ever talk to me like that again and then wait for it... finished with a "your bastard". Oh dear I feel I let myself down by saying that last part...
AIBU?? I don't think so but what do I do?

OP posts:
GabsAlot · 14/07/2016 00:09

so not being a to conceive is an excuse for aggresive behaviour?

sorry but no in that case the op can trash the house then

tipsytrifle · 14/07/2016 00:19

It may not be the bj itself that was at issue - more the fact he wanted it like this not that and it was not acceptable like that. Do you think this might escalate further? I get flutterings of red flags at this.

Thinking twice about conception at this point would be wise. What kind of potential father is this? might be a good question to start with.

Life-plans have to change when significant others start to slide off the mask of whatever kept you "in love" with them but it's off-kilter, taken on a life/route of its own that is more based on assumption than reality. Are really really sure that this relationship is for you?

Do you feel safe and loved with this man? Does he contribute equally to the home? Could you cope as a single parent? How much do you want a child at this point in life? Why? How is he in other aspects of making a happy home? What evidence of his love do you have?

He sounds bloody awful

You don't have to answer any of my questions, obviously - they're offered as think-outs for yourself.

Pearlman · 14/07/2016 07:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fanniboz · 14/07/2016 08:45

I think you can do, and deserve, a lot better OP. Find someone who would appreciate your efforts and respect you Flowers

pictish · 14/07/2016 09:31

You tried to do something nice for his birthday - you were thoughtful and considered what he likes (quiet birthday and lamb). He responds by trashing your efforts, picking a fight, calling you abusive names and blaming you for the situation he engineered - a horrible birthday.

Absolutely. This is psychological abuse in all it's insidious, subtle and thoroughly effective 'glory'.

Original poster
Keeponmoving03 · 14/07/2016 12:34

Thank you everyone. Slept on the settee last night and got a text apologising calling me a bitch said it was uncalled for but never retracted the fact that he blamed me for ruining his bday! Told him I don't want to be in a relationship where you have to walk on egg shells you should be comfortable and able to ask questions. He replied that when he's tired he's quiet and should Not have to tell every time. We'll I can normally gauge when he needs to be left alone but this time he all of a sudden had a major problem with the lamb steaks which he has had before and loves. I know it sounds pathetic but do you see what I mean. It's not about the food there is more to it!

OP posts:
Jengnr · 14/07/2016 14:54

When he's tired you have to tiptoe round him?

Fuck.

That.

You can do so much better OP

Joysmum · 14/07/2016 15:17

Ok so when he's tired everyone has to leave him alone or walk on eggshells around him otherwise he's in danger of losing his job/friends because he's nasty to them?

No? Just you he's nasty to then?

Original poster
Keeponmoving03 · 14/07/2016 16:18

Joysmum funny you should say that, he's nice as pie to everyone else, he'll be quiet but not rude to hos work colleagues...so yes only towards me. God how did I end up in such a disfunctioning relationship? My dad used to throw tantrums and my mum did everything in her power to keep the peace in the houseSad

OP posts:
NeedACleverNN · 14/07/2016 16:21

When my dh is feeling down he goes really quiet.

But if I ask what's wrong he will just say, I'm feeling a bit down and not in the mood to talk. Nothing to worry about though

And then we drop it. When he is happier he either talks about what upset him or he will let it drop.

Original poster
Keeponmoving03 · 14/07/2016 16:35

NeedACleverNN yes exactly, and dp will occasionally do this but only occasionally...

OP posts:
TheSparrowhawk · 14/07/2016 16:36

Am I right in thinking he expects you to go along with sex even if you don't want it, and gets moody if you don't?

PassiveAgressiveQueen · 14/07/2016 16:38

If he was "just feeling quiet" he wouldn't have blown up about the lamb he would have quietly eaten it.

He is being an arse, and if he is not talking to his whole family maybe you know know why.

NeedACleverNN · 14/07/2016 16:38

See it sounds like he doesn't respect you at all. If you can see your father in him, then I would think carefully.

Do you really want to be your mother and know any children would grow up and see the same things you did?

Penfold007 · 14/07/2016 16:50

He's telling you loud and clear who he really is so listen to the message. He's an abuser who tried to physically force you into a sex act. You need to decide what your going to do.

Aspergallus · 14/07/2016 18:55

It's probably the relationship between your parents that led you to think that yours is normal. It isnt. You dont have to walk on eggshells, tolerate sulking, name calling etc, let alone sexual aggression. Relationships can actually be about mutual respect and partnership. You need to do 2 things to find the right one:

  1. pay attention when men show you who they are
  2. walk away when who they are isnt good enough
Aspergallus · 14/07/2016 18:56

And remember, who they are is determined by their actions. Not their words. Words really are cheap. Do you think domestically violent men dont know the right words when necessary?

CalleighDoodle · 14/07/2016 19:23

How was today op

FolderReformedScruncher · 14/07/2016 20:09

Anyone that called me a bitch would get called a bastard at least. You are doing all the work int his relationship OP.

Thattimeofyearagain · 15/07/2016 08:07

How are you doing today op?

allnewredfairy · 15/07/2016 10:49

Hi OP,
I hope things are easier today for you. I can only speak from own experince that when my EXH started making out of the ordinary sexual demands, would blow up over seemingly insignificant things and acting like I was a bad smell up his nose it turned out he was having an affair.
I'm not saying your husband is but I would certainly be keeping it in the back of my mind.

Original poster
Keeponmoving03 · 15/07/2016 20:36

I'm okay thanks. I went out last night to the cinema with my mate. Tonight we're in separate rooms.. Im 100% sure he's not got an affair. I'm disappointed that he hasn't made attempts to apologise about accusing me of ruining his bday. It's really hard to just say this is it after nearly 8 years together, don't even know where I would go..

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 15/07/2016 21:15

Honestly, if and when you manage to ditch this waste of space, you will look back and realise how miserable and stressful he is making you. And how liberated you will feel.

I can guarantee it.

CharlotteCollins · 15/07/2016 21:56

8 years of experience to learn what you are worth, and what you are worth a lot more than.

Not wasted time.

Or think of it this way. You have had a bit of a lightbulb moment. Your future is stretching in front of you. How much of it do you want to spend with this man who doesn't make you happy and treats you wise than his friends and colleagues?

CharlotteCollins · 15/07/2016 21:57

Worse! Not wise.