So apparently I've just ruined dp's birthday...

[Keeponmoving03]

Dp and I have been together nearly 8 years it's has been a bit rocky at times but we've come together and moved on. Well I say that today is dp's birthday, he doesn't like a great fuss so just an ordinary day with work. He loves lamb so I thought I'd get some lamb steaks for dinner. Got in and he's just as quiet as yesterday. I started the dinner and he comes and asks me if I would mind if he had something else, he'd do his own stuff. I was surprised as lamb is his favourite. He then complained that the steaks were really thin and not proper. I had paid £10 for 4 m&s steaks so that he could have three if he so wished or there would be enough for leftover lunch!!! I didn't say this, I just kept calm. The thing is, he has been quiet since Monday night when he had a strop, we were having sex and when I changed position he tried to force my head in the direction he wanted me to go. I absolutely hate that and has made him aware of this before. He said that I like it but I insisted no and told him that instead he should tell me what he wanted, he got out of bed and slammed the door ( he had had a few beer). So when he all of a sudden has a problem with a lamb dinner I thought there is more to it. I calmly asked if he's alright and if this had anything to do with the other night. He started swearing about the steaks and how rubbish there were (they are so not) and said that if he had a problem with the other night he'd say so, well from experience I know that this is not the case, he can stew over things for days and I have addressed this before telling him I'm not a mind reader and refuse to walk on egg shells. I said that I was just checking and if he's in a quiet mood that's fine. I packed the food away as I quite frankly wasn't in the mood to cook anything (in fact I felt like screaming my head off but that would just make the situation worse). I went to the bedroom to read. He started banging doors and eventually I got up and asked what's going on but got no answer. He then decided to go to bed, and as I picked up my book and closed the door I heard him say something so I opened the door again and asked if he said something. He answered yes thank you for ruining my birthday bitch. I was gobsmacked, he's never talked to me like that before! I preceded to then open the door and shouted don't you ever talk to me like that again and then wait for it... finished with a "your bastard". Oh dear I feel I let myself down by saying that last part...
AIBU?? I don't think so but what do I do?

[Jengnr]

So he's been alright for years but is suddenly wanting stuff you don't in bed, picking stupid fights over you making his fave meal for his birthday and storming off to bed, calling you names, for no reason? And it is definitely not like him?

I'm sorry to suggest this but 'cherchez la femme'

[Keeponmoving03]

angryangryyoungwoman can you elaborate?

[Aspergallus]

If you are actually going to stay in a relationship in which he tries to force you into sexual positions, sulks instead of communicates and gives you the silent treatment, can I suggest you get some relationship counselling before you bring a child into the situation?

[Heidi42]

Hmm he sounds like he has issues my dear, stating the obvious I know. I wonder if he has low self esteem and sex makes him feels in charge in some way but you know him OP but imho there is something def wrong with him my dear .

[Heidi42]

and lamb steaks are lovely especially Marks and spencers!

[SaggyNaggy]

Simple question time...

Is this !an making ypou happy op? I mean honestly, can you look at your life and say its better with him than not? I'd wager you'd be happier without the forcing is sexual acts, without the sulking, without the self absorbed 'quiet' days, without being called names.

[angryangryyoungwoman]

His behaviour is abusive. He attempted to force you to do something sexual and called you a bitch.
He uses the silent treatment, bangs doors aggressively and projects blame onto you.
You are worth a lot more than this.

[CalleighDoodle]

Honestly op id consider not trying for a baby atm.

[NorksAreMessy]

Please think very carefully before you have a child with this person.
At the very least.

[TinyTir3d]

You both seem unhappy

I think that this relationship has come to an end

I would suggest ending this relationship

[smilingeyes11]

I would search for the femme and the porn addiction. But whatever is going on with him you deserve better. Fgs don't have a baby with this nasty, abusive man. That way madness lies

[glasgowlass]

He sounds like an immature abusive dick. You'd do well to get rid. The trying to force head down would be a deal breaker for me.

[Keeponmoving03]

SaggyNaggy oh god when you put it like that I sometimes think I deserve better and envy my friend who's partner loves the outdoor and my dp hates going for walks, bike rides etc.

[DoreenLethal]

Id suggest getting a new partner then! Thats the point isn't it, that you get on and like the same things? Oh and no being abusive also helps.

The silent treatment is part of training you not to upset them. dont fall for it, go get yourself a better model.

[Keeponmoving03]

Thank you Heidi42 and angryangryyoungwoman and everyone else who has commented. I really appreciate it. I will sleep on it, I would obviously like him to take responsibility and stop this stupid behaviour but I realise I'm probably kidding myself... I suppose I'm worried that I won't meet someone else not that I can't live on my own I know I can as I did prior to meeting dp.

[ArcheryAnnie]

You tried to do something nice for his birthday - you were thoughtful and considered what he likes (quiet birthday and lamb). He responds by trashing your efforts, picking a fight, calling you abusive names and blaming you for the situation he engineered - a horrible birthday. And he is still angry because you objected to him trying to force you into a sex act that you did not wish to do.

A half-decent man would still be apologising to you for trying to make you perform a sex act that you did not wish to. (A fully-decent man would not ever have tried to make you perform a sex act you did not wish to.) Instead he is punishing you further. This is not the behaviour of a good and decent man. This is not the behaviour of anyone you would want to be a role model to any children you had together.

You might love him (I've been there) but is he making you happy? Is he good for you? Can you really see a future with him?

[Iflyaway]

I read that OP and had a feeling of overwhelming relief for my single status.

Me too.

So sorry you are going through all this with him OP. He sounds a self-entitled bastard who needs to deal with his past rather than dumping that shit on you.

Oh, and tell him he can cook his own fucking dinner in future. You sound far too nice for him.

[Keeponmoving03]

ArcheryAnnie your comments have reduced me to tears, your words have obviously touched me to a point where I know that it would be in my best interest to end the relationship, despite how much I love him, love is not always enough... Thank you, I need to be strong now.

[ImperialBlether]

Me too, Flyaway. He sounds horrible, OP - and you know he'd only get worse if there was a baby on the scene. You can do SO much better than that.

[Keeponmoving03]

Thank you Ifly and Imperial

[jodiebee664]

Hi OP, he sounds like my ex with the awful mood swings and never knowing where you are. I know it's very difficult to end a long term relationship but I can't tell you how much happier I am now than when I was with him. I loved him to pieces and was so loyal to him, ironically he left me on a whim on one of his mood swings (10 years together, married for 3) I was devastated initially but when I got a little bit stronger, I felt like such a weight had been lifted and refused to have him back. I hope you find peace somehow but I feel for you.

[ABunchOfCups]

Him being a bit tipsy doesn't excuse him trying to force you into sexual things he knows you don't like. If he cared about you and how you feel he'd have apologised straight away, not stomp out if the bedroom in a mood, actually, if he cared about you he wouldn't have tried to force you into doing something he knew you didn't want to do.

That alone is a deal breaker. You told him you don't like having your head pushed there, and he ignored that and tried to push your head there again? And then got angry with you for saying no to something he already knew you didn't want to do. What happens next time he's a bit tipsy and he tries it again? Or tries to push those boundaries a little further? I wouldn't be able to relax in bed with a man who'd shown what he wants in bed is more important than my feelings.

[GabsAlot]

the only person who ruined dp birthday is him

getitng ina mood over the other night and then steaks for dinner was all his doing

[Greenandmighty]

I agree, he may be turning the issue of trying to conceive in on himself . He may feel ashamed or angry with himself. It might explain his aggressive action over the BJ because that's the sexual context which is an area of tension. His aggression might need unpicking gently by you. Just a suggestion....

[smilingeyes11]

his aggression should not be unpicked by OP at all, gently or bloody otherwise! - 'just a suggestion'. What the heck? How can you suggest she should solve his abusive behaviour for him. I guess you expect her to control his drinking too?