ExP causing problems again, but I'm being blamed!

[proseccowithastraw]

Hi,

Long story short, my ex can be a dick. My dp HATES him and somehow we keep arguing about him. It's driving me insane!

Ex is still in love with me apparently, so obviously this is awkward (to say the least) and of course this upsets my dp. Ex is engaged to another woman now (as am I) and I suspect he doesn't treat her well. He gets a lot of female attention and I'm almost certain he acts on\goes looking for it. Nice. This makes me sad for his gf, but mainly for my dd, who will be hurt when things go to shit between her dad and his gf. That's another story.

Occasionally he will say inappropriate things to me, which at one point got out of hand, so I told my dp, hence-she hates him, but since then, I'm on edge ALL the time, in case he texts me something he shouldn't, or makes a remark about how I look at pick up, or drop off for instance. I promised to tell my dp if he does this and I have, even though the comments mean nothing to me and telling dp will only hurt her. She was adamant that I made this promise.

A couple of weeks a go, ex replied to my text and managed to twist a very mundane logistical text, into something dirty! He didn't say anything awful, but it was unnecessary and I was going to tell dp. Temporarily it had slipped my mind. Very busy week, dd being a nightmare etc and literally two days after the text was sent, dp and I had the night to ourselves and were having a nice time, when all of a sudden (after I've been out the room for a minute) dp looks really upset, so asked her what was wrong and she picked up my phone, tapped in my pin number (which she said she doesn't know and I don't know hers) and went to the inappropriate text ex had sent. She went mental. I had simply forgotten, but was going to tell her. I know I would have told her.

She has since apologised for looking at my phone and for over reacting, but I've been feeling really uneasy since.

I don't think I fucking deserve this tbh! I've told my ex to stop on several occasions. I've been honest with dp about all of it! For 48 hours after the text, my mind was on other things and I was punished for it. She was shouting and screaming at me. There were tears and she looked like she hated me. I understand her hating him, but I didn't deserve that and I don't deserve to feel so on edge all the time like this.

What else can I do?! The dust has settled and yes, she's apologised, but I'm still really upset. If I looked at her phone she'd go batshit! I asked her why she looked in the first place and she said she doesn't really know.

I don't want this to keep happening. Our relationship is good overall apart from this.

So do I just continually remind my ex not to ever be in the slightest bit inappropriate or suggestive?

Thanks for reading. Sorry for the angry rambling.

No, the coffee etc was before things got messy. Since then, it's been drop off, pick up at the door and no chit chat.

Most controlling partners are lovely to begin with, and appear so to those outside the relationship.

Why don't you change your pin, and don't tell her? If it is because you are worried about her response then she is controlling. Regardless of what is going on with XH, and whether or not he is at it (probably he is, but that doesn't give her the right to dictate to you).

I think you've give confusing signals to your ex.

BUT far more serious are the red flags you present DP is showing.

Is this how you want to model relationships in this way to your DD?

mummy, how am I confusing signals? I hardly see or speak to him now. There's no social chit chat, nothing. We only talk when we need to about dd. I don't deserve that behavior. I haven't asked for, or encouraged it.

Have you talked with her about your relationship recently?

PS - not specifically about the phone incident. You seem to have already been stonewalled on that.

then he started saying and eventually doing things. I told him to stop, but he didn't, so I had to tell dp. This is why she hates him so much.

Wait - why did you "have to tell DP"? What's that about?

Yes and things are generally good. We love each other and both want things to work.

She has admitted she overreacted and I want to believe that she won't invade my privacy again. I guess only time will tell on that one.

Oh come on! You deserve better than this.

Just take one thing, the being agitated because you've been on the phone longer than she likes. If you pander to her over this then there will come a time when you feel so awkward using the phone that you will stop except for dire emegencies. You are slowly being isolated.

If you don't want the whole of the rest of your life to be ontrolled by her, you have to stop pussy-footing around and face her head-on. Stop it now before it's too late.

Did she explain just why she over-reacted?

Because she thought I was deliberately keeping it from her and I had promised I would tell her if he did or said anything inappropriate again.

....She thought I was deliberately keeping it from her.....

And there's your issue right there.

Well yeah, I know why she was upset, but that surely didn't justify the reaction I got.

No, it doesn't explain why she over-reacted.