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Original poster

ExP causing problems again, but I'm being blamed!

89 replies

proseccowithastraw · 13/07/2016 12:04

Hi,

Long story short, my ex can be a dick. My dp HATES him and somehow we keep arguing about him. It's driving me insane!

Ex is still in love with me apparently, so obviously this is awkward (to say the least) and of course this upsets my dp. Ex is engaged to another woman now (as am I) and I suspect he doesn't treat her well. He gets a lot of female attention and I'm almost certain he acts on\goes looking for it. Nice. This makes me sad for his gf, but mainly for my dd, who will be hurt when things go to shit between her dad and his gf. That's another story.

Occasionally he will say inappropriate things to me, which at one point got out of hand, so I told my dp, hence-she hates him, but since then, I'm on edge ALL the time, in case he texts me something he shouldn't, or makes a remark about how I look at pick up, or drop off for instance. I promised to tell my dp if he does this and I have, even though the comments mean nothing to me and telling dp will only hurt her. She was adamant that I made this promise.

A couple of weeks a go, ex replied to my text and managed to twist a very mundane logistical text, into something dirty! He didn't say anything awful, but it was unnecessary and I was going to tell dp. Temporarily it had slipped my mind. Very busy week, dd being a nightmare etc and literally two days after the text was sent, dp and I had the night to ourselves and were having a nice time, when all of a sudden (after I've been out the room for a minute) dp looks really upset, so asked her what was wrong and she picked up my phone, tapped in my pin number (which she said she doesn't know and I don't know hers) and went to the inappropriate text ex had sent. She went mental. I had simply forgotten, but was going to tell her. I know I would have told her.

She has since apologised for looking at my phone and for over reacting, but I've been feeling really uneasy since.

I don't think I fucking deserve this tbh! I've told my ex to stop on several occasions. I've been honest with dp about all of it! For 48 hours after the text, my mind was on other things and I was punished for it. She was shouting and screaming at me. There were tears and she looked like she hated me. I understand her hating him, but I didn't deserve that and I don't deserve to feel so on edge all the time like this.

What else can I do?! The dust has settled and yes, she's apologised, but I'm still really upset. If I looked at her phone she'd go batshit! I asked her why she looked in the first place and she said she doesn't really know.

I don't want this to keep happening. Our relationship is good overall apart from this.

So do I just continually remind my ex not to ever be in the slightest bit inappropriate or suggestive?

Thanks for reading. Sorry for the angry rambling.

OP posts:
TimeforaNNChange · 15/07/2016 10:46

then have to spend the next 5 minutes explaining to dp, what I've been explaining to my ex.

No, you don't. You are choosing to accommodate her.

If she asks why you explained something to your ex, then all she needs to know is that you felt it was necessary. In fact, she shouldn't have to ask, she should trust you. A relationship without trust is miserable for both parties. Why is she remaining in a miserable relationship?

hellsbellsmelons · 15/07/2016 10:56

This just gets worse OP.
Seriously.
Get your big girl pants on and sort it out.
Your life will be like this forever unless you stop enabling her controlling and jealous behaviour.
I really really do NOT like the sound of your DP.

And when your Ex starts with the inappropriate stuff just tell him you talk to his DP about it and let you know what he is up to.
It should soon stop.
You sound like a bit of a walk-over.
Time to get assertive and stop all this nonsense.

Emeralda · 15/07/2016 11:00

This constant conflict has got to be having an impact on your daughter. either on her relationship with you, her dad or your partner. How do you want her to look back in 10 years time and describe the relationships between the adults in her life and the impact on her life?

Original poster
proseccowithastraw · 15/07/2016 11:03

hells, I'm really not a walk over. That's not who I am AT ALL. All this is very new and I told her I wasn't happy with her reaction. The problem is, what I thought was a compromise wasn't. I made a mistake and yes, it seems now I am being walked over.

OP posts:
Original poster
proseccowithastraw · 18/07/2016 14:47

So my ex had to come in yesterday, at drop off time and he said I looked very nice. Dp was hovering in the garden and was within ear shot, definitely. Before I would have thought I needed to tell her, but thought to myself, no. I don't need to. I promised I would tell her if he said anything inappropriate and I'm not sure that really was. Anyway, point is it was my call and I called it unnecessary to tell her. As I say, I'd be surprised if she hadn't called it anyway. Progress?

OP posts:
Original poster
proseccowithastraw · 18/07/2016 14:49

*heard it anyway.

OP posts:
MassiveStrumpet · 18/07/2016 14:56

It's sort of progress, yes. There's no need to report what he said. But you're still second guessing yourself

Original poster
proseccowithastraw · 18/07/2016 16:32

Jeez it sounds ridiculous when I read it back!!! I didn't want to go back on a promise, but there's nothing that needs announcing is there?! And I was genuinely worrying about it.

Fuck me, I really do sound like a walk over Angry

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 18/07/2016 17:09

Mag, you've just been a bit brainwashed. The fog is lifting now, it'll be confusing for a while.

cozietoesie · 18/07/2016 18:29

I thought when reading one of your initial posts about it being so 'massively out of character' for her - 'How does she know that? It's the first time she's been in a relationship with her.'

MsPavlichenko · 18/07/2016 18:37

My XH was a controlling, abusive arsehole. I have often ranted to my current DP about kid related stuff, and still do now and then as he is a poor sort of DF. My DP listens, often agrees but has NEVER interfered in my relationship with XH or expressed an opinion on it (although he will offer an opinion/advice if I ask him. This is normal. What you are describing is not.

Original poster
proseccowithastraw · 18/07/2016 18:40

Well I guess it's a case of, at what point can you make a character judgement? How long do you need to be with someone before you can say something is out of character? Or that you really know someone? We've been together nearly 4 years, so I would like to think I know her well enough. If I don't, well wtf can I do? From what she's shown me over the past (nearly) 4 years, this is out of character....to me.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 18/07/2016 18:51

Been together living together and with your ex out of the picture more or less? If so, when did this behaviour start?

MephistoMarley · 18/07/2016 18:53

You're not a walkover but you are being emotionally abused and manipulated by your dp. Things like this don't get better.

Hissy · 18/07/2016 19:15

It takes on average 2 years for an abuser to let their mask slip. Many can maintain for longer.

I'm not saying your dp is an abuser, but she is certainly controlling. She is also extremely insecure and had probably hid who she is, played the cool girlfriend, but now she can't.

She can never give you what your ex did. The "safe/normal/expected" relationship, the kids etc. She is threatened, knowing that you're not 100% gay.

Ex on the other hand doesn't see your relationship as real. He's not giving you anywhere near the same respect as he would if you were in a relationship with a man. He knows you're not 100% gay too, and he doesn't see that flirting with you is a bad thing. He's not likely to get some huge 6'5" bloke smash his face in.

He doesn't see he's impinging On anyone's patch, he doesn't take your dp seriously. Your dp is jealous of your history and feeling threatened.

You. Can't. Win.

Stop taking this shit from this woman. She has no right to police you or your life. If she can't handle your interaction with your idiot ex, she has to decide to stick with it or leave.

You sadly have to have contact with your idiot ex. You don't have to put up with him and his slimy comments and innuendos though, and it Sounds like you and his poor current dp have the measure of him too and thankfully she isn't blaming you as so many would do rather than blame their man.

I think you should rethink your current relationship. It's not healthy at all. Your dp has massive issues. This issues have issues and nothing you do or say will change that.

Can you take a break? Remind yourself of what freedom tastes like?

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 18/07/2016 19:18

TBH, it sounds like you've gone from one twat to the next. She may not have been like this before, but with the ex still lingering, the mask is slipping.

I'd end that relationship, it wont do you any good.

SandyY2K · 18/07/2016 21:32

In summary, exactly why does she have so much hatred for your Ex? Because if it's just because of his comments towards you she's definetly out of line and has a serious problem.

Has she always felt this way about your Ex?

Atenco · 19/07/2016 00:12

A couple of people have mentioned the possible impact on your dd of this behaviour, I do think you should take that seriously.

Also, I think you should talk about all the promises you have made. You seem to think that you are obliged to use the same pin number for your phone, even though you know she would not tolerate you looking at her phone. You have promised to repeat private conversations with your ex, to the point that you feel guilty when you don't do it and you have to analyze everything he says to see if it fits in with what you promised to recount, screw that for a game of soldiers.

cozietoesie · 19/07/2016 07:02

If anybody accessed one of my devices in front of me and quizzed me about the contents, I don't think I could be held responsible for the consequences. It's such a denial of me as an independent thinking and feeling being.

cozietoesie · 19/07/2016 07:04

It would be such a denial.......

Original poster
proseccowithastraw · 19/07/2016 10:02

Reading these responses have made me really sad.

She was the complete opposite to my ex (one of the initial main attractions) and anyone who meets her will say how lovely she is and actually the few people I've told in rl, seem to agree and think that given my ex has been so completely inappropriate, her reaction and request is understandable.

OP posts:
princessmi12 · 19/07/2016 10:39

a lot of pps saying you cant win, your partner is abusive..
Id say the only person who wins if you break up with her,its your dickhead ex.Dont give him a satisfaction of ruining your relationship
Distance yourself from him . Only essential communications required.
Why are you even letting him on doorstep?? he doesn't have to come in at all.

princessmi12 · 19/07/2016 10:51

Next time he's there just don't let him in yourself. If he asks: Can I come in? say: its not a good idea.
Put distance between you and him

Original poster
proseccowithastraw · 19/07/2016 12:04

princess, since it all kicked off the first time, I have kept contact to a minimum. I would have invited him in for a coffee a pick up, drop off. Although we had a turbulent relationship, initially our split was quite amicable. We've even all been out for a drink together before, but then he started saying and eventually doing things. I told him to stop, but he didn't, so I had to tell dp. This is why she hates him so much. That and the fact he was often horrible to me when we were together and he's a bit of a 'pay as you go' dad and his interest in her seems to go up and down. She is very close to my dd.

OP posts:
princessmi12 · 19/07/2016 12:22

But all this coffees in,going out for a drink are not the minimum contact.
You might think you just being nice and polite,but looks like both your ex and your partner think a bit more of it.
He sees green light and she sees red :)