ExP causing problems again, but I'm being blamed!

[proseccowithastraw]

Hi,

Long story short, my ex can be a dick. My dp HATES him and somehow we keep arguing about him. It's driving me insane!

Ex is still in love with me apparently, so obviously this is awkward (to say the least) and of course this upsets my dp. Ex is engaged to another woman now (as am I) and I suspect he doesn't treat her well. He gets a lot of female attention and I'm almost certain he acts on\goes looking for it. Nice. This makes me sad for his gf, but mainly for my dd, who will be hurt when things go to shit between her dad and his gf. That's another story.

Occasionally he will say inappropriate things to me, which at one point got out of hand, so I told my dp, hence-she hates him, but since then, I'm on edge ALL the time, in case he texts me something he shouldn't, or makes a remark about how I look at pick up, or drop off for instance. I promised to tell my dp if he does this and I have, even though the comments mean nothing to me and telling dp will only hurt her. She was adamant that I made this promise.

A couple of weeks a go, ex replied to my text and managed to twist a very mundane logistical text, into something dirty! He didn't say anything awful, but it was unnecessary and I was going to tell dp. Temporarily it had slipped my mind. Very busy week, dd being a nightmare etc and literally two days after the text was sent, dp and I had the night to ourselves and were having a nice time, when all of a sudden (after I've been out the room for a minute) dp looks really upset, so asked her what was wrong and she picked up my phone, tapped in my pin number (which she said she doesn't know and I don't know hers) and went to the inappropriate text ex had sent. She went mental. I had simply forgotten, but was going to tell her. I know I would have told her.

She has since apologised for looking at my phone and for over reacting, but I've been feeling really uneasy since.

I don't think I fucking deserve this tbh! I've told my ex to stop on several occasions. I've been honest with dp about all of it! For 48 hours after the text, my mind was on other things and I was punished for it. She was shouting and screaming at me. There were tears and she looked like she hated me. I understand her hating him, but I didn't deserve that and I don't deserve to feel so on edge all the time like this.

What else can I do?! The dust has settled and yes, she's apologised, but I'm still really upset. If I looked at her phone she'd go batshit! I asked her why she looked in the first place and she said she doesn't really know.

I don't want this to keep happening. Our relationship is good overall apart from this.

So do I just continually remind my ex not to ever be in the slightest bit inappropriate or suggestive?

Thanks for reading. Sorry for the angry rambling.

Sorry for the late response.

As somebody has already said, my ex is getting what he wants because his actions are causing my dp and I to argue. I've told her this, but she is the one allowing it to happen. Yes, he's an absolute twunt sometimes, but I just ignore, whereas my dp acts like it's the end of the world!

It's one of those situations where the longer it's been, the more I'm questioning everything. I promised to tell her because I didn't want her to feel I would knowingly hide anything from her, but I can't exactly go back on that now can I?

I asked her again why she looked at my phone and she said that when my ex was mentioned that day, I looked uncomfortable, but I always feel uncomfortable talking about him because I know how much she hates him. I think she trusts that I don't want him back, but no, she doesn't trust that I will tell her STRAIGHT AWAY if he's said something remotely suggestive!

Yes, she's my first gf.

The way I feel today, it wouldn't surprise me if I was bugged!

When I first met her, she was the least jealous person and trusted me completely. Now I feel like that's permanently tainted.

Ok.... so what now?
Will she back off and not behave this way?
If not then I can't see this getting any better.
YOU tell her that you won't be discussing the Ex with her at all.
End of conversation.
See how that pans out and take it from there.

hells, well I really hope so. I can't take another episode like that. It was horrible. At first, I actually felt quite guilty and that maybe I was in the wrong, which is quite messed up. What should I have done? Called her at work and told her. She said if I had told her immediately, she wouldn't be upset, but that's not always practical is it?!

She's making her actions your fault.

She is abusive, make no mistake.

Tell your ex your fuck off and dump your DP, they're both twats.

I think she trusts that I don't want him back, but no, she doesn't trust that I will tell her STRAIGHT AWAY if he's said something remotely suggestive!

Why should you tell her straight away? It is entirely up to you what you share with her.
The fact that this is your ex is irrelevant - he has form for being an arse, yet she wants you to inform her every time he behaves like one? Why? What is she going to do?

Your relationship with your ex is your business - if she is unable to accept him as a part of your life, then your relationship has no future. You are tied to him as a co-parent, and she needs to be able to come to terms with that without micromanaging it on your behalf.

The advice to be completely open to win trust only applies when trying to get past a betrayal, like an affair.

Otherwise,to pander to jealousy in any way only feeds the green-eyed monster. The monster is never satisfied. It just grows.

You have to have firm boundaries for yourself. The other person either respects the boundaries or they have to go elsewhere. The boundaries are for you - not for them. You can't try to use them to get the other person to behave a certain way (ie, to stay with you in a happy relationship) but only to protect yourself.

So I think you should tell your partner that you will no longer report on your ex. She either accepts that you are going to do what's best for you or she doesn't. You can't control that. The only crucial thing is that you don't let her control you.

I also think their are some double standards with the advice op's been given.

If a woman posted that she was suspicious of her dp's relationship with an ex, she would be told to trust her instincts and start digging. She would be told that if he loved her he'd be doing everything to reassure her and put her mind to rest.

Having said that, you know that your DP has nothing to worry about and that you haven't done anything wrong. I think you need to be more forceful with your ex and his unwanted comments. Next time he sends something get your DP to reply with something cutting that lets him know you tell her, and that you both have a good laugh about it. It should reassure her that you don't secretly enjoy his attention, and embarrass him into shutting up.

I think I would also be saying - you know my PIN number and can check my phone whenever you want, but from now on I'm not telling you every little comment he makes because it upsets you and makes you irrationally angry with me.

And yes, if even that isn't enough for her, it's doomed and you should ditch sooner rather than later.

Did you leave your ex for her? Is she an OW?

Is she gay whereas you are bisexual and as such she can't deal with the fact that you are attracted to men as well as women?

She is out of order regardless, but if e.g. She was the OW then insecurity is incredibly common..

This hasn't been said so far, but the level of hate she has for the father of your DC is quite something.

Apart from wanting you back and sending the inappropriate messages, is or was your Ex a bad person? Did he abuse you during your relationship? I'm trying to understand why she is so hateful towards him.

She needs to know that you have to maintain a relationship with him for your DCs sake and having their mums DP filled with hatred for their dad isn't healthy at all.

Thanks for all the comments and advice. Think we need a talk.

Wanna, she wasn't the "OW" in the sense it wasn't an affair, but I did develop feelings for her whilst with my ex. I hadn't loved him for a long time and you could argue my feelings for her gave me the push to leave him. Dp is gay, yes. I'm not even sure what I am tbh. I can still find a man attractive I suppose. I'm probably more bi than gay, but more gay than straight if that makes sense. I guess that makes me around 80% lesbian So yes, I suppose she could worry more about that, but you either trust someone or you don't, right?

I tried to talk last night, but bottled it. I decided to keep my pin the same, but every time I left the room I'm wondering, is she looking at my phone? I have NOTHING to hide, it's just an intrusion of privacy. As I said before, she's promised she'd never do this again and would have to just trust me that I would tell her. I thought this was fair enough at the time, but now and after reading some responses on here, I'm not sure I should have agreed to that. She should trust that I can handle it and that I will use my own judgement as to what she "needs" to know.

To clarify, I have been very firm with my ex. I have told him it upsets me, dp and his dp, who actually read one of the messages he sent and went understandably mental. They almost broke up apparently. I found this out when he actually called to apologise and to say he thought it was harmless, but won't do it any more if it upsets me and he hadn't until this one. Not that that makes it ok.

Dp has been really good about our necessary relationship in the beginning, but since I told her about his behaviour, she has zero tolerance and won't let him be in a room alone with him. I don't know what she thinks he'll do. If he came onto me, I'd obviously reject him and I think she knows that.

I just don't want this for the next 10 years! I don't want it for the next 10 days!

since I told her about his behaviour, she has zero tolerance and won't let him be in a room alone with him.

Oh, OP - that's very controlling. You deserve so much better.

She's training you with her reactions.

You'll either stop doing whatever it is she deems unacceptable and she moves onto something else to fix, or you keep quiet but get "caught" which justifies it in her mind, so she carries on.

*won't let me be in a room alone with him.

It's just so out of character. When we first got together, I was almost concerned with how she never got jealous. I wasn't used to it, so you can imagine how surprised I was with her when all this kicked off.

How does she stop you being alone with him?

Roses, yes. I'm thinking this.

Well she will just hover. It's really obvious and it makes me feel so uncomfortable.

What if you needed to meet for any reason and she was out?

Oh fuck this for a game of soldiers. She's acting like a nut job.

And she's infantalising you. You're not a baby, you can handle your ex, and it sounds like you're doing ok in that regard (btw, next time he does it, screenshot it and send it to his partners Facebook account as it sounds like she's the only thing really deterring him)

She's acting like the prison warden of your life. She needs to back the fuck down. And yes change your PIN. Cos the only way you'll know for sure if she's broken your trust is if she goes mad that you've changed it.

Well obviously then there's nothing she can do, but she'd want to know if anything happened and she wouldn't be happy about not being there. The other day I was on the phone to him because he needed to ask me a few things regarding our dd (stuff he should know tbf!) and I was on the phone longer than she was comfortable with. She wasn't angry with me, but was clearly agitated and wanted to know why I needed to tell him xy and z. Well he should know the answer to xy and z, but he just doesn't and can be bloody useless sometimes. Again, not my fault, but I then have to spend the next 5 minutes explaining to dp, what I've been explaining to my ex.

Elspeth, not a bad idea.

I've noticed her watching when I've used my phone, presumably to see if I've changed my pin. I just couldn't be arsed with another argument.

Christ on a bike. How about giving as good as you get? How about shutting that shit down as soon as you feel the vibes?

That's sneaky. To be looking at your fingers. Ugh. Maybe change it by one digit but the next one over so a person watching couldn't exactly tell - is that possible with your code?

It's all a bit creepy though. I wouldn't like that at all.