"Lovely" husband has a nasty nasty streak

[regularhiding]

I am an old hand at mumsnet but far too embarrassed to reveal my identity for this.

My husband is thought of by all as a lovely chap. He is, lots of the time but has a very nasty streak directed only at me.

I cannot for the life of me decide whether to make a proper issue of this ( which would lead to us splitting up as he will catgorically NOT discuss anything or accept blame)or just accept for a quiet life that he has inherited the "occasional arse" gene from his father and not take it personaly?

If I have challenged him about it in the past he turns t all back to me and threatens to leave and I pretend to be in the wrong so he stays - for the sake of the kids might I add! We Have three young children, no idea if'/ how I woud manage if he left. I love himwhen he is on form but the shitty bits ar getting more frequent.
An example.

I struggle to not descend into complete chaos house work wise. Yesterday I put two old armchairs in our bedroom ith the bright idea it would cheer the place up and give
him somewhere to chuck his clothes other then the floor. to try to make the place look a little tidier.

At Breakfast I asked him very softly and nicely if he would leave all his stuff on a chair not the floor.

He scowled and muttered some insult theat he refused to repeat. I think that kind of stuff is not on but what can I do? It gets me down. he WONT change. CShould I accept his insulting aggressive episodes or bale out?

Bet those who know me have worked out who I am.

hi, so sorry to hear wht you are going through, does he get violent ?

aww regularhiding. i feel for you hun. my ex was similar. he wouldnt listen to me, and he wouldnt change or accept the fact that he upset me and made me unhappy. so i decided what was best for me and dd was to leave him, or technically throw him out. i know i made the right decision.

but im not saying you should do that. do you love him? have you tried to talk to him about how you are feeling?

read this and the example looks incrediblty trivial so should explain further. You know the way so called typical teenagers act when, say, asked to tidy their room, all rolling eyes and murderous glances? well that's the kind of thing he does towards me only when noone else is there.

Tonight I mowed the lawn and then painted a wall while he tidied the living room and watched telly. I asked him when he wanted his tea, ( I always cook) he said in a huffy way he did not care and would make it himself to which I said in that case would you mind making eough of whatever for me too and he shouted at me NO I AM NOT MAKING THE DINNER I AM FENDING FOR MYSELF! Is this normal? Acceptable?

personally i wouldnt accept it, but thats just me. is it just shouting at you he does?

thanks so much girls.
Nic he has never actually hit me but he throws things, punches the wall ( about twice a year)then is fine the next day and expects me not to meniton it.
He once physically manhandled me out the house and locked me out!!! Then claimed it was my fault for getting in his way.

Problem is these things are blips in an otherwise okay/normal relationship but he takes no responsibility for the episodes ( always makes out it is my fault)never apologises.

He is a very good dad, don't know how I could physically manage without him so think I have to put up with it till the kids are older/he grows up.

tammy are you happy now?
Yes I have tried talk to him , absolutely cant reach him. If I cry he is either angry at me or laughs at me, is absolutely never moved by me. I have wondered if he is a bit psychotic. Can be a total sweetheart sometimes. Do I love him? Yes but not to the detriment of my mental health.I think we have a very bad relationship.

These episodes happen about once a month and last a week.

i am happy as i am now, its hard as a single mum but i dont regret my decision. the only thing i can suggest is you have to do what is best for yourself and your children. if you're not happy, your children wont be. exp always complained that dd should have a proper family (as in me and him being together) but i wasnt going to spend the rest of my life unhappy. besides i grew up without a dad, and i think i turned out fine. and its not like he cant see dd, although he doesnt exactly much of an effort in my opinion.

i dont really know what else to suggest regularhiding.

or theres counselling, but i dont know if that would be of any help

regularhiding, I really feel for you and know what it's like to have your partner laugh at you when you are crying (my ex did this to me a lot).

Can I just say that in my opinion these nasty streaks may get to be more and more frequent and it is not good for you to feel you have to walk on eggshells (or the children as they will sense a tension in the air).

There are 2 things that you could do. First, next time he threatens to leave, call his bluff and tell him "there's the door". The reason I say this is he knows that you think you can't live without him and he is playing on this (sorry but the phrase "power trip" comes to mind). Or you could try asking him why he feels the need to be nasty to you, but I get the feeling this would either get laughed at or end with him being in a sh**ty mood/blaming it all on you.

If you do feel that the only reason you are with him is that you feel you couldn't cope alone, then please know that yes you can cope alone and that he is revelling in the fact that he can treat you how he likes because you would never leave him. I know this from first hand experience of my ex. He also thought I couldn't cope without him around (so did I for a long time) but he got a shock when his power trips backfired on him and I took my DS1 and moved 500 miles to get away from him.

I'm sorry if I've overstepped the mark or that you feel I am being too harsh on your husband but what he is doing to you sounds a lot like what my ex was doing to me not long before he started hitting me

sorry to hear this, regularhiding. i think hiddenspirit's post makes a lot of sense, sadly.

This sounds, at the very least, like emotional abuse to me. When you say these episodes occur once a month and last for a week, have you noticed any other pattern emerging? Is there anything which seems to trigger them?

The worrying thing is that there is violence, just not directed at you - yet. Perhaps you need to seek professional help. If he won't go, you could try talking to your gp to start with.

Definitely think you have a problem there. Agree that if it carries on like this he may well get violent towards you or the kids too.
Would suggest you keep a diary of incidents and exactly what happens in the run up to them. Try writing it from his perspective and from yours. Should help you work out what his thinking is and whether you're prepared to live with it all or not.
If he won't speak to you perhaps he'll at least read what you've written and come to realise that he needs help.
In the meantime I would type bullying into google and see what you can do to prevent yourself being bullied. Also look up domestic abuse.
Let it carry on and you'll lose your kids' respect and your own self confidence.
Wonder if it's a reaction to your AF or something regular at work? Whatever, he can't behave that way. You CAN manage without him!

I'm so sorry you have to put up with this, and along with hiddenspirit, I also had an ex who was exactly like this, threw things, laughed at me if I cried, spoke to me in a totally unacceptable way, and this did move on to violence towards me, at which point I was straight out of there. I was a lot younger at the time and didn't have children, but I can appreciate how much harder it would be if I had children with him, and look back now and think I'm so glad I didn't.

My husband now (we've been married 9yrs, 2 kids) is absolutely wonderful and couldn't be more different to my ex, there is definately nice men out there, and you shouldn't have to accept being treated like this. You deserve better, and are worth more than having to tiptoe around because you don't want to upset him, it's not a normal relationship, and It may get worse.

I recently had some counselling for some anxiety issues I was having, and this relationship with ex came up, I broke down crying and was told the relationship had deeply affected me, I couldnt believe I'd cried when it was 11 years ago but that's how nasty men can affect us.

I think your husband needs to accept his behaviour and change, or you need to seriously think if this is the way you want to be treated, and the way you want your kids to see you being treated. He may not do it infront of the kids now, but what if he started to.

I'm so sorry if i've rambled,and seem harsh, I'm angry at your husband for treating you this way. I really feel for you having been there, and everyone deserves to be treated with respect. Take care.

regularhiding - my dh is pretty much the same as yours. When he's in a good mood he can be playful and quite good fun. However, he does have some issues. Bascially everything he directs at me is negative eg. "you haven't done anything all day, you're too fat, you're lazy, I always have to do the washing up," etc he threatens to leave if I answer back (but has never actually walked out) and is basically a control freak. He once came out with the comment "how dare you defy me" which just about said it all to me. I insisted we discuss his "place" in the family and my "place" and I pointed out that I was not a child/he was not my parent and in fact if he thinks this is the placing he should leave. I think he was embarrased as he realised what an ar$e he sounded when he said this. Also dh's parents have always run around after him (and still do) and I think he basically expects me to do the same. When he was living with them, I went to collect him one day and was waiting in the hall, he was about half way down the stairs when he realised he'd forgotten his chequebook so he called his mum (who was in the kitchen at the back of the house) to go and fetch it - and she flipping well did!! I quite often remind him of this when he's trying to be particularly powerful and sadly we all tease him about it...

Sounds like he has totally no respect for you, the children, your property and therefore himself. I agree with the others that say his acting out violently, albeit on an inanimate object, spells trouble. He seems unable to control or express his feelings and is throwing a grown up paddy. Sounds like Kevin the teenager (Harry Enfield). You need to decide what is right for you, as it's easier for us on the outside to tell you it's wrong and to sort him out. Mind you, you probably already know you don't deserve his behaviour and that he is out of order. I agree that you should call his bluff. If he threatens to leave, offer him the door. And don't beat yourelf up so much about what you aren't achieving, look at what you ARE achieving. It's all too easy to dwell on the negativities that he appears to be attacking you for. Chin up, and be strong, the answer is probably within you already.

I think he sounds like a bully. It's even worse that he puts on this show of being lovely with everyone else. To my mind that says that he knows what he is doing is out of order. Otherwise why would he only be like this behind closed doors? You say that he 's only like this for one week each month. Flipping it over is it possible that for one week of each month you are less tolerant of his bullsh*t, challenge him rather than accepting it, and then he goes off on one? Whatever the reason I agree with the others that this is a slippery slope. When he threatens to leave, call his bluff. If he goes then he's saved you the trouble of wondering whether to end the marriage. If he stays then he knows that you're not falling for that nasty little ploy anymore.

I'm not trying to be smart, but I have a lovely dh who LIKES me as well as loves me. Why shouldnt you have the same, everyone deserves that. You dont deserve this aggression, no-one does. Of course if it was physical it would be much more serious, but its still aggression and it will wear down your self-esteem til you feel worthless. Imagine having someone who will cuddle you and love the fact that you have chubby bits, or who will say "forget the washing up lets do it tomorrow". Thats what you deserve. Now you get to the "should I think of the kids or should I think of myself" bit. There has to be a compromise somewhere - kids cant grow up with a mum with no selfesteem. Your dh has his good side. Force him to go to counselling with you. He is clearly very unhappy in himself with something. I would try an ultimatum next time this happens, and you might have to carry it out until he agrees to go with you.

Understand the confusion as this is how I felt myself. My xh started off like yours, he used to throw things, punch walls etc. He wasn't always nice when other people were present though he used to ignore people completely if he didn't like them which was really difficult. He was very jealous and accused me of flirting with eveyone and then used to shout at me all night. His behaviour was always my fault. Earlier this year his episodes were getting closer and closer together and my children especially ds 11 were getting really stressed. In Feb, on my birthday he assaulted me and I got the police involved because I just couldn't stand any more. In fact it was because he shook my kitten and threw her across the room that I really decided to change my life. My children seem much more realaxed now and my ds's teacher has noticed he is much more confident. I think I made the right decision although it's no bed of roses being a single parent but at least my kids and I don't have to put up with his abuse anymore. Good luck. I hope things get better for you.

i dont want to depress or upset you and this may not be what you want to hear but as the child in the relationship i can only say that it gets worse. i saw my mother get hurt time and time again and when i got older it started to happen to me too. people who do this dont change and it will affect children for the rest of their lives to see these things happening. even if hes not hitting you now, he is still acting in an agressive and violent way which will frighten children very much. you dont deserve this kind of treatment and neither do they, and however much you are scared of coping on your own...you would. you will find the strength, because we have to sometimes. you shouldnt have to put up with this. hope that has made some sense xx

Message withdrawn

I agree with what everyone else has said. This is emotional abuse and the violence, even if not directed at you, is real. I also was in an abusive relationship, my ex also started with emotional abuse, moved on to breaking things (preferably things that were important to me) and finally to physical violence against me. There was a thread on domestic violence with lots of useful links, it has been archived but will come up if you search in archived messages. In particular I would recommend you look at this .
Being a single mother is hard, but IMO it's better than having to walk on eggshells all the time and wondering when the next "episode" is going to happen.

I'm with you on the chair bit - why do men always seem to think they can use the floor as a dumping ground and expect little wifey to pick up after them???
Although I commiserate, I think its more important to find out why these episodes are happening (male pmt? - surely not (smile) ). Is he getting stressed out at work and you're the easiest person to take it out on?
I definitely think its a bad idea to act as if things are your fault - that will be making a rod for your own back and only make things worse. I know its hard but the next time he offers to leave, tell him okay, if that's what he wants - above all keep calm.
I went through a pretty bad few years with constant put-downs (no violence) until I learnt to stand up for myself. Things are much better now I've decided not to be the downtrodden wife.
Good luck - just try all options before baling out

Though it seems a bit drastic right now, to just up and leave because of a minor irritating part of your dh that's disrupting your relationship, it's bothering you, and you can't talk about it, so it can only get worse.

You already know you can't just accept this behaviour, otherwise you wouldn't have posted, so it's inevitable that one day you'll do something about it.

That means one day you'll have to make him listen, or you'll just get to the point where you don't care anymore, and no longer want to be part of the relationship, which is quite sad in a way.

I can't tell whether his behaviour is leading to worse abuse, or whether he's just immature (like many men are lol) and genuinely doesn't realise how much he hurts you, but either way it's a problem and they need to be addressed in a marriage.

Good luck, I hope you can both work it out.

Oh, and as for the clothes, just do what I do and leave them right where they get left. They soon get the message when they have no clean clothes.

regularhiding, have just read this and wanted to add a message because the way your dh is behaving reminds me so much of my ex.
I remember feeling so powerless. The refusal of someone you love to acknowledge your feelings, and even to laugh at them is so hurtful. So sorry you are in this very very difficult situation
Just another point to add to the excellent ones made already...the thing that scared me far more than being on my own was the thought of my ds growing up to be the same as my ex ....growing up to think that it was ok to treat people (and, most likely, especially women?) that way. There were many other reasons I left but that was a biggie.

No direct personal experience but my bf is going through this at the moment. Her h is in many ways a charming, intelligent, witty and sensitive bloke but he's hugely moody and the main brunt of this is taken out on her,although he is capable of bringing a whole room of otherwise happy people down if he's in one of his moods so we've all witnessed the tip of what he's capable of.
He's not violent and I don't believe he ever would be, but this doesn't make it any easier for her to cope with the emotional bullying.
The big similarity with your situation is his refusal to admit that he had any sort of problem - if there was a problem then it must be her fault because he is perfect.
She left him and her phoned me to tell me that he thought she must be clinically depressed and could I help him get her to see a doctor!
However now that she has been gone a couple of months he's beginning to acknowledge some of his problems, acccept they might need to find professional help etc.
Basically they love each other and she would like to go back to him but, like you, she needs to figure out whether she can live with his moodiness and outbursts, as with all the counselling in the world this will always be part of his personality. And she needs to know that he has at least faced up to the fact that he has a problem so they can discuss these issues when they arise in the future.
So there could be hope for your realtionship but you need some distance, he needs to know that his behaviour is a serious problem, and you need to figure out whether you can reach enough of a compromise to make the good bits worth putting up with the bad bits for. Clearly at the moment they're not.
Is there somewhere you could go, at least temporarily, to let him know that you're serious?

I think your marriage sounds intolerable. You dont' have to live like this. I refuse to believe it doesn't affect your kids, so no, he's not a brilliant dad. A brilliant dad is kind to the mother of his children and doesn't make the home a frightening and oppressive place to be. Relate counselling either for both of you or just you might help you decide what to do. I suspect thought that he is a violent man waiting to happen. Sorry.