"Lovely" husband has a nasty nasty streak

[regularhiding]

I am an old hand at mumsnet but far too embarrassed to reveal my identity for this.

My husband is thought of by all as a lovely chap. He is, lots of the time but has a very nasty streak directed only at me.

I cannot for the life of me decide whether to make a proper issue of this ( which would lead to us splitting up as he will catgorically NOT discuss anything or accept blame)or just accept for a quiet life that he has inherited the "occasional arse" gene from his father and not take it personaly?

If I have challenged him about it in the past he turns t all back to me and threatens to leave and I pretend to be in the wrong so he stays - for the sake of the kids might I add! We Have three young children, no idea if'/ how I woud manage if he left. I love himwhen he is on form but the shitty bits ar getting more frequent.
An example.

I struggle to not descend into complete chaos house work wise. Yesterday I put two old armchairs in our bedroom ith the bright idea it would cheer the place up and give
him somewhere to chuck his clothes other then the floor. to try to make the place look a little tidier.

At Breakfast I asked him very softly and nicely if he would leave all his stuff on a chair not the floor.

He scowled and muttered some insult theat he refused to repeat. I think that kind of stuff is not on but what can I do? It gets me down. he WONT change. CShould I accept his insulting aggressive episodes or bale out?

Bet those who know me have worked out who I am.

No, no offence taken Chinchilla. I know it wouldn't suit everyone but it works OK for me.

Thank you one and all. I have been pondering your many replies.
Pacific sadly our life is approaching the way you describe yours and like you I am overall pretty happy, just not with the i.
Someone asked about sex - almost never. We sleep in separate bedrooms because of work shift patterns.

I think the real crux of our bad relationship is I absolutlet CANT discuss anything with him as he will fly off the handle and say "all you want to do is criticise me!" which is not true. There is no voice soft or polite enought I can use to try to express my concerns about anything or to make any kind of request. No matter what I say or how I say it, if he perceives it as a criticism ( ie most of the time) he goes off on one so I just end up not bothering. We have been living practically sep. lives in the past month or so!

Also he does not do his fair share of chores/housework but there is no way I can approach him about this. He denies it is true(despite compelling evidence namely him sitting watching TV every night while I do housework) and then gets blazing mad at me for suggesting this!!!!
How do you begin to communicate or negotiate with someone like this?

awww regularhiding. it is really difficult to talk to someone like this. can you try counselling? with what you've said already, i dont think hed listen to you, so to have a third person there would be ideal, but someone who cannot be biased.

As a husband and a father of 4 girls the only thing I can think of us he is stressed either at work or at home and is feeling the pressure. He might have worries you don’t know about it he’s just being an arse of a guy and taking you for granted. Either way you shouldn’t just be with him for financial reasons, if you can do better for yourself and your kids then leave and go it alone, it’ll be hard at first but you’ll pull through and have done the right thing for yourself and ultimately your kids too. Don’t stay in a relationship for the wrong reasons, you’ve got one shot at life, won’t waste any of it with someone you don’t want to be with, you’ll wake up one day years down the line and regret it. This is my first time on this page, just joined tonight so hope my advice as a man has helped you

Hi, new to this site, how do I post anonymously?

ZOMBIE THREAD FROM 2004!!!

Click on 'Start new thead' top left Kusz76

ZOMBIE THEAD FROM 2004!!!

He doesn't sound loveable. He sounds vile.
At the very least, I'd kick his clothes under the bed where you don't have look at them and he can retrieve them unwashed and covered in fluff when he's ready.
Or take one of the armchairs and move yourself into the spare bedroom.
As for throwing things - punching the wall - manhandling you ... and you wonder how you'd manage without him! You will manage very well without him and you and your children will thrive. Wait until he grows up? He's supposed to be grown-up now and if he isn't, he's not going to change.

This thread was started back in 2004(!) but keeps being reactivated by spammers. We think it's time to close it.